[SchmennaLeigh]

Do you feel equal with new people that you've just met and/or old acquaintances until they learn of your status as a birth mother?

[belleinblue1978]

It depends on how they react to learning that. Really, I'm at a point in my life where I don't care what people think too much. I'm really just most tired of hearing "I could never do that." To which my standard response is, don't say that until you lived my life then.

[JustPeachy]

I'm the same way. It really depends on the reaction, but I also try not to let other people's opinions get to me and recognize that I should not allow myself to feel ashamed or suffer low self esteem because of negative responses. I spent too many years doing that in my younger days. But people can be cruel, that's for sure. Some times I wonder where they get the nerve to say some of the things they do!

As far as the "I could never do that!" statement, I have some good responses.

1. "Yes, well, it takes a lot of strength and courage to make an adoption plan" (I like this response because it implies that the other person is lacking in strength and courage without acutally saying it--a snarky dig, I suppose, but some deserve it!)

2. "If you were in similar circumstances and wanted what was best for your child, I think you would."

Bottom line is, we should not allow other people to make us feel less than or unequal because we are birthmoms!!

[keds]

Good point! I don't feel equal to anyone but I tend to live my life in a fog anyway. I focus on my own little part of the world - kind of like the "Truman show".

[quantum]

This question has kind of been bothering me since I read it.
I guess it's because I don't really tend to think of myself as better than or worse than people (at least I hope so).
I've been disappointed in some peoples reactions. I get angry if they try to imply they are better than me, because they aren't! As it's been said, they were not in my situation.

I guess I've felt like if someone thinks they are better than me, well frankly, I don't need those people in my life and if anything it lessens my opinion of them.

Am I making sense? or just being hypocritical?

[kakuehl]

hmm. Interesting question!

I guess it's my Christian/Lutheran upbringing, but my status doesn't depend on whether or not others know about D. "All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." God does not rate sins...humans do. In God we're all equally sinners. His unconditional love applies to all of us equally regardless of whether we think we're better than or worse than someone else. So to answer your question, I don't feel less than equal to someone else after they "know." Now if the question were "How do you feel when some one thinks I am not equal to them because of my "past"? That's a different story, LOL!

[agathaj]

you summed it up pretty well jenna - that's how I feel so I don't tell anyone plus I can't be bothered explaining it and answering the stupid questions that follow. Infact I refuse to explain. If someone found out and asked me I would say that if I had wanted to tell them I would have and since I didn't it's not open to discussion. as for that I could never do that comment I say back I didn't ask what you think about my situation so you didn't have a right to comment and since you've never walked in my shoes then how would you know what my life was like near 20 years ago? I also know that when you are a mother with young children mixing with other mothers it can be a brutal social situation inregards to parenting ie parents judging each other.

[vbigelow]

Yes. All the shame they laid on you for young, unmarried pregnancy during the Baby Scoop Era comes rushing back to envelope me. I become very small and am filled with self loathing.
A big part of the problem for me is my own judgment of myself. Not for the pregnancy, but for going to court and signing the papers. I will never forgive myself for that. Of course not signing would have meant overcoming the tranquilizers they injected into me every time I cried and protested the papers they shoved into my face in the hospital; the will of my parents; and the 104 degree fever I had the day of court due to a breast infection. Doesn't matter that it wasn't my decision and that I was underage and powerless. I will never forgive myself for not being strong enough to overcome all the obstacles. So, it's very easy for other's comments and judgments of my first mother status to affect my self image. I avoid it by not telling.

[bromanchik]

I am sure I have lost opportunities for friendship with some people, but if they cannot accept my birthparent experience I don't want them for a friend anyway.....

[JustPeachy]

Oh, let me be clear. I do have a hard time being "out" about my bmom status, because of comments I've gotten. I don't like to have to go into so many explanations either, espeically if it's to someone I don't know well. I don't keep it a secret from everyone, since most of my family and friends know, but for instance, none of my coworkers do. When I was pregnant, I was working all throughout and was fodder for all the office gossip. I don't want to be back in that position again. I know I shouldn't feel "less than" but I just don't like being talked about like that. OTOH, I'm not ashamed of being a bmom, and wish I could tell everyone! Maybe one of these days I'll muster the courage to "come out," even if it means dealing with the gossip, but I find that a lot of people react negatively, or else they have that awkward silence and just dismiss it, or what is sometimes worse is they put you on a huge pedestal. Still, I can't help but feel that a lot of the shame or negativity birthomothers feel has to do with being silenced. Perahaps is some of us were able to talk about it more, without shame, society would stop shunning us or at lest show a little more understanding. I was thinking the other day, I am probably not the only person at work who is a bmom. I'll bet there are others, or other workers who have family members who are bmoms. But because it's such a "hush-hush" thing (sometimes I feel it is like being gay and in the closet), I mistakenly think I'm the only one.

[elledarcy]

When I mentioned I was adopting to a woman who works in another department (who I know vaguely through working on projects together) she said, “when my husband and I were 18 we placed our son for adoption. Now he’s 17 and we still write letters and see him for visits.” We talked a little about adoption after that and I was glad that she had shared with me. Perhaps she felt comfortable doing so because I knew a little about adoption and she wasn’t afraid I would “judge” her.

I had never thought of this woman as anything more than very accomplished, hard working, and intelligent, and, of course, I still do. I would imagine it would be very hard to decide where and when to talk about your birthmom status with others. I know I even question when I should tell people we are adoptive parents (because really, it’s nobody’s business anyway).

Even when we were in the process of adopting, I had female friends and relatives tell me, “I could never do that,” meaning relinquish a child. And I would say, “it’s because there are women who are able to do that, that a child will join our family.”

[lahdh4]

Hard to say for me since my self esteem took a really big hit with Supergirl's placement. I am still working on it because of it. Maybe if I felt like a stronger person then I would say no but it is really hard to figure it out.

[agathaj]

thanks for your post Elle.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I just wanted to say that by coming to this forum and reading "outside my thread" I have learned much and understand MUCH more than I ever could have before. I have felt the anguish in many of the posts, the sadness, and the strength of this group.

I am sad to say that I am someone who would have judged you in the past. I would have made the "how could you, I could never do that" comment. I would have thought I was better than you. You would not have wanted to be my friend and I would not have been a good friend.

I am changed. I will not be judgmental towards anyone I meet who shares with me a relinquishment story. That is in part because of the birthmothers/firstmothers on this forum. So if it helps at all, please know that as you share you actually have the ability to create less judgment for those who have been where you are.

Kim