[Dixie229]

Hi all!

Just wondering… How many bmoms believe that their families and/or agencies lied to them or coerced them into relinquishing their children?

Over the years (19 years now), I’ve learned that several statements and conversations that occurred when I was placing my daughter might now be considered coercion or outright lies.

Case in point… Just the other day, I called the agency to ask questions about releasing identifying information (my info not daughter’s) and was told something different from what I was originally told. I asked “Patsy” (not her real name) if their policy had changed and she said, “No. All birthmothers misinterpret what we say because they hear what they want to hear.” (WHAT?!? I can’t believe she just said that! I know she didn’t just imply that birthmothers are incapable of understanding what we’ve been told.) (Oh wait… maybe I didn’t hear her correctly, I probably just heard what I wanted to hear. **Sarcasm** )

First, I told her that I am not like “all birthmothers” and that I didn’t appreciate being lumped in with” all birthmothers”. Second, I told her that since she was not my counselor back then, she had no idea exactly what I was told. Third, I said that apparently someone, at one time or another, must have given the same “misinformation” to “all birthmothers” otherwise we all wouldn’t have “misinterpreted” what they said. (Hmmm, guess I caught her off guard. She didn’t say a word.)

Finally, she gave me a half-hearted apology. But given her statement that showed an obvious bias against birthmothers, I don’t believe her.

I don’t mean to gripe, but I am really frustrated and angry! This is just the latest issue that I believe I was lied to about. I can only wonder what else has been a lie?

Anyway, before I started ranting, I asked if anyone else believed that they have been lied to or coerced when they placed their children... I’m listening…

Jen

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________


Bmom since 09/19/89

And still thinking of her every day!

[JustPeachy]

I was fortunate with my agency in that I did not feel I was lied to or coerced when I placed my child. I felt the agency I chose and the social workers who were assigned my case were very professional, empathetic, and not trying to pressure or manipulate me. I wasn't told it would be easy, or I would just "forget about my child and move on" or anything ridiculous like that. To me, those are among the worst lies.

I do think misunderstandings or miscommunications can occur when there are different social workers transitioning in and out of an agency. Some social workers also don't think to tell a bmom things unless they specifically ask. For example, my mom was not allowed to see my child in the hospital. The nurses chased her out of the room and said they would take my baby and not let me see him if she didn't leave immediately. It was only for husbands or the baby's father to be there at the last feeding. I was very hurt by this as the baby's father was not in the picture. I mentioned it after the fact to my caseworker, and she said "you should have told me, I could have arranged for your mom to be there!" I felt at the time the caseworker should have been on the ball and let me know in advance that this was an option, but I feel now that they cannot predict every single issue that may or may not come up for a bmom, espeically given they are often way overloaded with cases. I don't think she maliciously kept this from me, though, or deliberately lied about anything. I do know that a lot of agencies did use these tactics, mostly in the closed era. I wouldn't be surprised if my agency did it, too, back in the day, but when I placed, they did not. I know they did not give "options counseling" (the agency was just not set up that way back then), but I was well aware of other options (welfare, child support, extended foster care, etc.) and was not interested in those options.

[Jackiejdajda]

I have a hard time remembering what happened.. I remember it in bits and pieces..

Jen

and she said, “No. All birthmothers misinterpret what we say because they hear what they want to hear.”

What a trite answer.. what a bankrupt answer.. I would have gone into a tailspin if I had of heard that..

Jackie

[Oceans]

Being from the closed era, I was given so little info you would think they wouldn't have had the opportunity to lie... but they did.

I asked that the family be Catholic
I was told the family was Catholic
I found out (about a month later) only one parent was Catholic

Perhaps I should have been more clear being the level headed 17 yo that I was...

Sheesh... Too much to ask

[paigeturner]

Same here Oceans. Though I had weekly counseling sessions, not once did we explore the potential I had for parenting. I found out recently that they lied about the following:

1) I was told that after I left the hospital I could NOT see my son even though TPR had not occurred.

2) I asked that my son be placed with parents that would want to adopt again, but I wanted him to be the oldest child - I recently found out they had a 3-year old daughter.

3) I asked that he be placed with parents that loved fine arts and music - rock-n-roll's son was placed with crafty, square dancers (that still gets to me).

4) I asked that his parents keep a small painting I painted for my son during while I was expecting him...it's still at the agency.

5) I wasn't allowed to name him and was told that it wasn't "done".

Makes me angry to think about how easily they disregarded my wishes. IMO birth parents don't matter to agencies. Not even a little.

[Oceans]

I was told that after I left the hospital I could NOT see my son even though TPR had not occurred.

I was told this IN the hospital but my parents stood up for me. Even then the nurses would come in and try to take him when I was asleep. They said it wasn't "good" for me to spend time with him.

After the first night I threatened to NEVER sign if they tried to take him again...

I still giggle about that! YAY for me for standing up to them! Would hate to see what they wrote in my chart tho....

[sjanae76]

How long ago was your adoption experience, PaigeTurner? I am just now going through the process of placing my baby and was curious to see what had been said on this thread.

So far, I feel very comfortable that I'm going to have the plan that I want. I also know that if, at any point, I don't feel comfortable I will find another agency.

~Sarah

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jen!

I had no problem with the agency at the time. Two days ago however, I discovered that I was...shall we use the word "misled".

I was told that my name would be "left open for my children to contact me if they felt it was something they wanted to do. That that information would be filed at the State level on my behalf." Not so. Apparently the second that I signed, my name was closed permanently. There is a certain embarrassment in realizing I was chumped. I have to admit it eats at me. I feel used in a way.

Oceans - I too stood up for my children. I threatened not to release them into adoption unless they were adopted together in the same household. I simply refused to sign and I made quite a stink about it.

Here's something that opened my eyes. When I contacted the person through the courts who's helping me with my search she check my file and said "Just wanted you to know they did indeed go to the same household."

I was taken aback by that. She informed me that just because I demanded that didn't mean it would've happened that way. Stupidly I had assumed it would.

Hmmm....it is a treacherous and bramble-filled education I am getting here.

Glad for it too.

Janey

[paigeturner]

It was 25 years ago. Hopefully things have changed some! Still, it wasn't exactly the dark ages then, but still mostly the closed era...I didn't know about open adoptions until about 10 years later, although I know they existed...

Sarah - I'll be thinking of you during this very difficult time. I won't sugarcoat...you're about to do something very painful and difficult. Just please make sure your interests are covered.

[JustPeachy]

and she said, “No. All birthmothers misinterpret what we say because they hear what they want to hear.”

What a trite answer.. what a bankrupt answer.. I would have gone into a tailspin if I had of heard that..

I would have also gone into a tailspin over that comment, and then I would have taken it to that social worker's manager. The comment was uncalled for (I meant to respond to this in my previous post) and her supervisor should be notified.

In reading about others' hospital experiences, I have to say the hospital personnel were far worse to me than anyone. A few of the nurses were compassionate, and I had a great obstetrician (although I did not like the fact that she was pressuring me to parent--I don't think pressure is good either way), however, most of the nurses were Nasty with a capital "N." They at least ASKED me if I wanted to see my baby, but when I said "yes" they told me it wouldn't be good for me to see him, and it would only make it harder, etc. I'm very glad I stood my ground and didn't let them manipulate me there. I wanted him every feeding and I got him. They also kept making comments like "how could you give away such a beautiful baby?" both to me and my mom. Especially because he was a boy, they just couldn't fathom it (as if it would be easier to give away a girl or if he was not a beautiful baby!). That is the one thing I do wish the agency would have prepared me for and protected me somehow from: the nastiness of hospital staff. My agency now has guidelines for how hospital staff should treat women who are considering adoption, but I understand there still needs to be work done in this arena (i.e. they can still be terrible towards women who are planning for adoption).

[SchmennaLeigh]

When I pointed out that my agency had lied (by omission regarding the fact that OA's weren't legally binding in our state) they pretended like they didn't KNOW that and then proceeded to cut all communication with me.

Classy!

[Janeytwo]

Hey JustPeachy,

I agree. This woman's professional code of conduct should be called into question. Her supervisor should be notified.

Janey

[Dixie229]

Unfortunately, this lady is the Supervisor. I've checked and there's no one to complain to about her.

[susieloo]

It was coercion from my family that prompted me into the worst decision of my life.
"don't bring that baby under my roof" from my father was a good starter!!!
susie

[lalgee]

well well well. Yes, lies and misrepresentations. OK, first let me say that i take full responsibility for my actions, and have no one to blame but myself for the pain i must endure forever and ever.

MOM told me:
1. you will 'get over it'. I haven't. I won't. I can't.
2. you shouldn't talk about it or even think about it. I should have.
3. you will never be able to do or have anything in life because you will always be strapped down with a baby. LIE on so many levels I can't go into it - plus, don't they grow up and become self sufficient eventually?
4. you will have other children and forget this ever happened. uhhhh, rrrrright, mom.
5. he will be adopted by a family that can give him everything you can't. Really??? Prove it!


AGENCY told me:
1. You can contact him when he reaches 18 years old. OK, so what are his digits? I'd like to call him up! OH? you can't give me that information? OK thanks!
2. You shouldn't put the fathers name on the birth certificate and that I should tell the judge that I don't know who the father is. Really?? How does THAT help? OH, I know, it makes it easier for YOU so you don't have to contact him for surrender! Sure, well let me just falsify these records so that if he ever wants to find his parents he WONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HIS FATHER'S NAME IS!!!
3. You will go on with your life without a worry in the world and wont even remember it happening. Yeah, OK, when exactly does that start? So far I have not seen those results in these 24 years or so since it happened.

HOSPITAL:
1. You can only see your baby for 15 minutes today and 15 minutes tomorrow. Really? Well he was MY baby at the time until I signed those d___ed papers 3 days later! Shouldn't I have been able to keep him in my arms 24 hours a day if I wanted?
2. When I went to get my hospital records last year in 2007, I asked for my son's record as well - I mean, as far as they were concerned, he was MY baby when I was in their hospital right? They told me they "didn't have anything about that baby" in their records, although I was holding in my hands the record they just gave me that documented his delivery!


Man! You think I might be a little bitter about all this? You're right! I mean, most things may not have been out and out lies, but you got a pregnant 14 year old here as naive as they come and you're gonna tell her half truths and manipulative statements and have her believe that she is of no value to her child because of her age? All because either A you don't want to deal with social stigma or worry about helping her provide for and raise her baby (mom), or B you want her to give you her baby really bad so that you can give him to another couple and be everyone's hero (agency) or C you want to be sure she doesn't have an ounce of self esteem left as punishment for this most heinous of all crimes (hospital).

Ok, well, I feel taken. I feel violated. And what's worse is that it was "my decision" right? I did this to myself. I believed what everyone wanted to be SURE I got out of all this - that my baby was a terrible mistake for which I should be ashamed and shunned, and that I didn't have what it took to raise him, nor did I deserve him, and that I would never be a good mom because I needed to ACHIEVE something in THE WORLD like graduating high school and college and get a great job and lots of money money money!, in order to prove my worth. Everyone wanted me to believe that it was "BEST" for my baby to be removed from me, as if I were the last thing in the world he needed because of all my shortcomings and worthlessness. On the other hand, I was supposed to believe that it was "no big deal" and something that I would "get over" and "get on with my life" EASILY.
WELL NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE!!! I COULD HAVE RAISED HIM! I COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM WHAT HE NEEDED - ME!!!! HE WASN'T AN UNWANTED CHILD, BUT I WAS AN UNWANTED MOTHER!
And I am really really angry and hurt about it, even after all this time. I am awakening to the realization every day that more and more of what I was told and led to believe was a load of BULL! And at such a high cost, I mean, my son, my FIRST born is out there somewhere thinking I didn't want him??? OH, my heart just aches knowing he most likely believes that. What a price I have paid, almost more than I can bear.