[Janeytwo]

Has anyone here ever hired a private detective to search for their children? I had suggested this to hubby and he was very skeptical. He says that there's a lot of sheisters out there. I wasn't sure if a PI was a smart thing to do or not. I am just curious if anyone had done so how that had worked out for them.

Janey

P.S. Also, I have added to my journal. I started one, then panicked and had to start again. Sorry to anyone who may have read my first entry and went "huh?"

Anyway, feel free to read it. I'm trying not to hide in the silence anymore so it's open to everybody.

hugs to you,

janey

[JustPeachy]

If I recall correctly, ChunkMomma, who had posted here recently, used a PI to find her daughter. I'm sure there are others here who also went the PI route, but I don't recall offhand.

Since my adoption was semi-open, I've always been able to communicate with my child and his family through the agency, and have been using them as intermediaries in opening communication up more (we are not quite at the reunion stage yet, though I do know his identity). I know my agency does help other birthmothers locate their children, so perhaps this would be an option for you as well, assuming you placed your children through an agency.

[Janeytwo]

Dear JustPeachy,

I had the thought of contacting the agency I went through but wasn't sure how they'd react to me. It is a little unnerving this stepping forward thing.

But it is good to hear that someone else went this route (agency route). You are right. It is worth a try.

The PI thing is just something that came to mind as there is so much information out there. It is like finding a needle in a haystack!

Thanks for responding and a great day to you!

Janey

[sstuart]

My dh found my daughter, He just went to the county I delivered in and they gave him the names of all the perosns born in that county on that day. There were only 3. I do not think they were supposed to give him her name--but they did! It is worth a try--You never know.

[EZ2Luv]

The first thing I suggest is going to the agency and seeing what they can give you as far as information. I know adoptees can get non id, possibly you could get some information about the APs and start from there. Also, there are agency that search and have a no find, no fee policy. I would go with that type of searcher this way your not forking out money for nothing.

One more suggestion, please do not go through aparents if your children are of age. ALWAYS go directly to the adoptee yourself. There are a few threads about contact that you may want to read.

Good Luck, it is a big step.

EZ

[quantum]

I checked out the agency and they actually did the search and initial contact for me. I found them extremely helpful, positive and supportive!
It's worth asking...

[Janeytwo]

Thank you everyone for your answers and support. Especially EZ2Luv; I had not thought about the aparent scenario but I can see how that might happen to anybody. Forearmed is indeed forwarned.

And you are all right about reading posts of people who've already been down this path. I am monitoring people's stories of contact with the aparents, though I don't comment on them as I don't know what to say really.

Also, I'm suprised by how many people have said the agencies were helpful. I hadn't expected that.

So, that will be my first stop. Luckily though that agency has moved locations they are still only 15 minutes up the road.

Thanks for you help and kindness.

Wishing you all a great day!

Janey

[JustPeachy]

Janey, my agency has been very helpful to birthmothers who are searching. They really offer a lot, including counseling. Some birthmoms may be leery of going to their agency for counseling or search services, especially if they were treated poorly when they were relinquishing, or if they were coerced by their agency, but not all agencies are bad, and still others that may not have been good in the past have changed their methods of working with birthmoms. I think all agencies historically have been guilty of some kind of wrongdoing but over the years many of them have realized their wrongs and worked toward change. Of course, if you call the agency and feel you are given the run-around or treated disrespectfully, go another route. But it might be a really good place to start and you could be pleasantly surprised. Good luck!

[Jackiejdajda]

A PI gives you control of the thing.. You can pay for his or her services and use the information on terms of contacting or not contacting or watching from afar till you are ready..
I know of one adoptee that used a PI for lots of info.. she knew more about her birthfamily then they did..
Her birthmom had refused contact..

If you go to the agency you will probably get non identifying info.. that is what helped me.. when my bson contacted me through the net I was able to give him information about his adoptive parents..

Searchers who do it for free or money or are intermediaries.. are great.. but.. sometimes they get control of the thing and get emotionally involved and contact before you are ready.. these are the horror stories I have read and who knows if they are true or not..

Jackie

[EZ2Luv]

I second what Jackie said about these alleged "search angels" Be cautious of just giving your information out to just anyone online, it could fall into the wrong hands. You can PM me if you would like to know how I was able to complete my search (on my own) in less than 2 weeks.

EZ

[Janeytwo]

Dear Jackie & EZ2Luv,

Thanks for the added info. I am going to start with the agency and see what I get from there.

I am glad you guys gave me a "heads up" on the search angel thing. I was skeptical of that the second I saw it...not exactly sure why but it sent off that little "buzzer" in my brain.

I did register with adoption.com and am going to spend tonight searching through more pages of that.

I am trying to take my time with it though as it sort of overwhelms me....so many people searching for answers...for truth.

This may sound...I don't know....selfish but I figure I may as well go at a sane pace in this. My children have been gone 30+ years. What difference will it make if I take a little time right? Keep my head in the game sanely.

I don't want to give in to the "desperate" urge.

I am so very afraid of making any mistakes in any way when finding them.

Thank God for you all being here.

Janey

[JustPeachy]

Your instincts are correct in taking it slow, Janey. And when things get overwhelming, take a step back, process that information, breathe, and reflect. I totally agree with you about not wanting to come off as desperate. It's very easy to get overwhelmed in search/reunion and the emotions that come out can blindside you, no matter how prepared you may be. There is nothing wrong or selfish about moving at a pace you are comfortable with, and AFAIC, it's better to move more slowly and pace yourself than to bite off way more than you can comfortably chew and then be completely overwhelmed. Good luck!

[chunkmomma1]

Yes I used a PI and my birthdaughter was found along with her amom. I was very happy to get the information from the PI. and my PI was awesome she did not charge me anything until the birthdaughter was found. I had tried using the search angels and they could not find anything out so they advised me to use this one PI. I could not talk to the agency cause they was no longer in business. Now remember all I had on my birthdaughter was the basic information like the name I gave her and her birthday and place she was born and the agency i used. After hiring the PI I got her amoms full name, address, birthday, and the daughters new full name and since she was still living at home I got that too. I have been talking to my birthdaughter through e-mails on myspace. She keeps new pictures of herself all the time. If nothing comes from our e-mails at least I have a peace of mind that she is healthy and no more wondering what she looks like.
So my advice to you is to try the search angels cause they are awesome and they help alot of people.But if they cant find you birthchild they will get you too someone that can. Just dont give up!!

[Dixie229]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

One more suggestion, please do not go through aparents if your children are of age. ALWAYS go directly to the adoptee yourself.

Why?

Jen

[nxilmom]

I agree, don't go through adoptive parents if the child is an adult. Why would you?