[Janeytwo]

Hi,

I don't remember getting back on the bus after the courthouse but I must've taken it home again. The trip home would've been near twenty miles, I couldn't have walked that far. But I don't remember the return bus. That ride has been wiped from my brain.

You see before my babies there was skid-row brave Janey; she was tough, she withstood poverty, she owned one pair of shoes with holes, her clothes came from Salvation Army, she withstood her face being pounded into the concrete, she stood up and shouted at her stepdad that if he didn't stop beating up her brother she'd call social services, she paid for that but still she stood up.

Then that Janey lost two babies and then she got on a bus and disappeared. Where did she go? I can hear her screaming at me now, I can see her fists on the glass of my memory yelling "don't do this! I can do it! I can take care of them! GET OFF THIS **** BUS!!"

But it was too late. That Janey vanished and another Janey appeared. Morose Janey who knew how to breath and how to put one foot in front of the other but that's all she knew. Except that she knew that she'd lost two babies; that they'd disappeared behind a door marked Court Referee.

And after her; after that Janey came the worst Janey of all. Shiny White Janey. How I hated her!! Her and her stupid secret ingredient chocolate cake. Her and her ability to take compliments about how even though her husband smoked 3 packs a day, still you couldn't smell even a whiff of nicotine in her house. That's because she had something called 'Glass cleaning day' where once a week she'd go around cleaning every friggin window, every picture frame and tv screen, wiping the brown stain of smoke from her life.

But the real stain on our life you couldn't erase, could you Shiny White Janey because every day at some minute you'd look up at the attic and ask yourself, "are they alive? are they being beaten? are they starving? do they have what it takes to survive?"

Now my name has changed again. I am Janey-I-don't-know-what-my-name-is-anymore. I have lost the ability to shrug off what others think. I have lost the ability to care about dust on the glass.

And still two babies are out there somewhere. And still I can't remember the ride home on the bus.

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

What you write Janey is incredibly important.. If you were into it.. you should write a book.. your story..

I think this new person you are is not lost.. I think this new person you are is ready for change.. ready for learning.. and getting ready to actually go out and look for them.. so you know if they are okay..
I hated the not knowing..

I think (heck know) I became a different person after I relinquished.. after I signed the papers..



Jackie

[sstuart]

It is amazing to me how much I have blocked out of my mind. And absolutely I changed after my relinquishment. I am not the same person, but it was more than the reliquishment. It was 9 months of no one knowing but me! It was a very lonely 9 months and then a heartbreaking--lifetime. I wish my vise had been cleaning!! Thankfully we can change and my life is good, but your writing brings me to tears every time. Please continue to write. Thanks

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie & sstuart, thanks for responding and for encouraging me to write. I am sort of embarrassed that people think I write that well. It is hard to take compliments.

Jackie - There is a dividing line isn't there? It's almost like there was this physical wall between who I was before I signed and who I was after and as I read everyone's posts it seems like we try to erase the person before, as if that will fix the now (at least that's what I'm sure I did). I know the old saying "if you went back ten years and passed yourself on the street, etc., etc." But this kind of erasure, it's like I don't want to even go back and see that person!!! I want that person to have never been there!!!

And the not knowing......looking back it was torture. It's odd but I can't remember if I was told I couldn't legally look for my children but it's something I believed. Perhaps I am right to say that I remember it being [b]inferred[b] that I should not attempt contact. And family told me I shouldn't look for them - that that would make me immoral. That the not knowing was punishment for the crime and to endure that to atone.

sstuart - I am stunned by how desperate I have been to keep the past shut out. I had no idea I had forgotten the ride home on the bus (truly)!! And then to see who I became, it is really eye opening.

And you are right - about the heartbreak. It is constant isn't it? And it's not because I'm ungrateful for my life...quite the opposite. Life is vibrant and grand but there is a shadow on my life, it walks with me everywhere and my greatest fear even if I were to ever meet my children would be that the shadow would remain. A constant companion on the road.

And my heart goes out to you in your sadness.


Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Sstuart

It is amazing to me how much I have blocked out of my mind. And absolutely I changed after my relinquishment. I am not the same person, but it was more than the relinquishment. It was 9 months of no one knowing but me! It was a very lonely 9 months and then a heartbreaking--lifetime.

Secrecy and lies.. It became a way of life for some of us.. didn’t it.. I did not tell my sister about my pregnancy.. and the relinquishment.. I held her son and did not say a word.. I moved back to Canada a year after I relinquished and stayed with my sister and her husband and their year old baby.. months older than my baby.. my relinquished baby.. They wanted me to baby-sit.. stay in their home and baby-sit…
I think they were being kind and heck they did not know anything about what had happened to me.. but my reaction was no and I moved into Toronto on my own and into the rest of my life..

I think my change was not trusting any one any more.. Not leaving myself vulnerable any more.. but then I put myself in harms way over and over again.. took chances no one should take.. I was a throw away person for a while..

One way I did change for the good was I ended up with empathy.. I did not have empathy for years but then I got it.. I got how vulnerable a person can be..



Janey

Jackie - There is a dividing line isn't there? It's almost like there was this physical wall between who I was before I signed and who I was after and as I read everyone's posts it seems like we try to erase the person before, as if that will fix the now (at least that's what I'm sure I did).

I was so ashamed of the person I was.. I had failed.. I had moved to Boston on my own with two hundred dollars in my possession and I wanted to survive and find a life.. a solid settled life..
And I failed.. I got fired.. I got pregnant..

I know the old saying "if you went back ten years and passed yourself on the street, etc., etc." But this kind of erasure, it's like I don't want to even go back and see that person!!! I want that person to have never been there!!!

And then the self help books say.. go back and embrace that person.. Go back and love that person.. that seized up person..
And love that person that is in fear.. such terrible terrible fear..
I remember being in that motel and two weeks overdue.. sitting and waiting..
Waiting for a pain or anything and then calling mom and dad and them taking me to the hospital in the dark..
Fear that they will send me back.. and I was not going to deliver yet..

And the not knowing......looking back it was torture. It's odd but I can't remember if I was told I couldn't legally look for my children but it's something I believed.

I was told.. I was told real clear..
I was told my son was not my son.. a signing of a piece of paper and he was not my son..
I think of the times in my life when I have signed a piece of paper.. when we bought our house when I got married.. life changing stuff..

Perhaps I am right to say that I remember it being [b]inferred[b] that I should not attempt contact. And family told me I shouldn't look for them - that that would make me immoral. That the not knowing was punishment for the crime and to endure that to atone.

And you are left behind.. not important.. your feelings are not important..
Me signing that piece of papers standing in front of this man who said to me my son was not my son any more.. and did I really get that..
We got to fight this.. we got to stop this big brother thing IMO..

The woman that says no contact and if my bson or bdaughter does contact throw them into the brig.. the jail or fine them..
But if this relinquished person is not my son or my daughter (according to the laws of the land) then how can we ask for protection from them?
Its all so crazy.. our society is crazy on this..

And heck it’s the old codependent thing.. other people telling us what to do and us doing it..
We being enmeshed and wanting acceptance and not saying.. "No I wont do as you say.. I will go and look for him"..
"Them"..

This is this business of loving ourselves enough to say "No.. sorry what you want won’t compute any more and I am a person of the first order and yes I got fired and yes I got pregnant when I should not have gotten pregnant.. but still I am good people.. and I do have a right to know"..

And no one has this kind of control over me.. to give myself up for their sake.. is wrong..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Secrecy and lies.. It became a way of life for some of us.. didn’t it..

Jackie, it must've been sheer hell holding your sister's baby. My God! I can truly, truly emphathise with the whole part of yourself you had to "put away" to do that! It is amazing the ability we have to muffle that silent scream. To shove it down a 1000 foot well and clamp the lid at the top. I can hear the message in my mind "someday you'll deal with this, but not now". The secrecy and the lies...oh yeah. My kitchen was shiny, it positively sparkled. I was married and respectable. I had gone so far from the street that people thought I was raised in Grosse Pointe Farms. I once joked to my husband that I could've been one heck of drug dealer because no one would've EVER suspected! I swear, all I needed was the pearl necklace. How sad........

but my reaction was no and I moved into Toronto on my own and into the rest of my life..

Or we tell ourselves we move on... What is that old saying? No matter where we go, there we are... I ran a long way from the alley but when I stopped running a couple of weeks ago, I looked up and the alley was still there.... I have been a little mouse in my own maze.

I think my change was not trusting any one any more.. Not leaving myself vulnerable any more.. but then I put myself in harms way over and over again.. took chances no one should take.. I was a throw away person for a while..

Oh Jackie, this has brought something up so true. My therapist once said that victims of violence have a perpetual, unseen "V" blinking on the forehead. That perpetrators see that V and come straight on.

Well, maybe I had a perpetual "A" on my forehead....a subconscious one only I could see but that made me look at other people through bitter eyes, hungry eyes.

One way I did change for the good was I ended up with empathy.. I did not have empathy for years but then I got it.. I got how vulnerable a person can be..

Yeah, that's the lesson in the end isn't it. I have two choices in this life, learn from what has happened to me and extend to others or take what has happened to me and destroy myself and everyone else with it.

A famous author said "Experience is not what happens to us. It's what we do with what happens to us."

I am going to repost later on the rest of what you wrote here. Have to think on it awhile because it's true stuff.

Many hugs your way,


Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

Jackie, it must've been sheer hell holding your sister's baby. My God! I can truly, truly empathize with the whole part of yourself you had to "put away" to do that! It is amazing the ability we have to muffle that silent scream. To shove it down a 1000 foot well and clamp the lid at the top. I can hear the message in my mind "someday you'll deal with this, but not now". The secrecy and the lies...oh yeah. My kitchen was shiny, it positively sparkled. I was married and respectable. I had gone so far from the street that people thought I was raised in Grosse Pointe Farms. I once joked to my husband that I could've been one heck of drug dealer because no one would've EVER suspected! I swear, all I needed was the pearl necklace. How sad........

They met up.. My bson and my sisters boy.. Had drinks together.. part of me is really jealous and part of me rejoices..
I bought my sisters boy a car.. a little red car that he could sit in and peddle around in.. I was working at that point and had a penthouse apartment.. I was working as a commercial free lance artist and I wore high heels.. and took cabs.. and pretended all was well..

Then one day (night) I was doing a job for Eaton’s.. (our local department store) and I said to myself.. I don’t want to do this any more..
I hate doing this.. Hate it..
That was the beginning of me breaking the game.. stopping what I thought I was supposed to be doing.. in order to make it right with everyone.. be a success in order to be approved..
After that I proceeded to stop.. it took a year or so as commercial art was my livelihood.. the way I supported myself..
I moved into a house with friends and kept working freelance and paid for a lot of groceries because some of my friends were not working..
They went to Woodstock.. I could not go as I had to work..

I think my work got worse.. and I know I was not getting as many pages to do.. but then photography took over.. and I became redundant..
Photography was cheaper..

I was glad and I became wrong according to my mom.. they drove up from Florida to see me and they hated the life I was having.. I stopped speaking to my mom.. I did not want her disapproval any more..
I realize now.. she wanted (in her way) what was best for me.. what she knew..

Look good.. do good work pretend that all is well..

No break downs for us..

Or we tell ourselves we move on... What is that old saying? No matter where we go, there we are... I ran a long way from the alley but when I stopped running a couple of weeks ago, I looked up and the alley was still there.... I have been a little mouse in my own maze.

I bet you are on part two of your journey.. I read somewhere that when we have an issue it keeps coming up till we look at it..
I like that.. I can sort of take a pass on some things knowing that they will not go away.. they will come back..

And I also believe in kismet.. in things happening when they are supposed to happen..
Its probably time for you to face this stuff again..

And maybe you are in a comfortable time in your life.. I know when I faced it we had just bought a house and money was okay.. and I could sit in a power place and read and deal with it.. do the crying I needed to do..

Oh Jackie, this has brought something up so true. My therapist once said that victims of violence have a perpetual, unseen "V" blinking on the forehead. That perpetrators see that V and come straight on.

Well, maybe I had a perpetual "A" on my forehead....a subconscious one only I could see but that made me look at other people through bitter eyes, hungry eyes.

I think we can change.. I know we can change.. all is change.. change is all we have..
I am changing again right now.. I started a painting yesterday and when I get off here I will go back to the painting I have started.. It's a very controlled painting..
I need to do controlled paintings right now.. but I also know that will change..

The IChing (chinese book of changes) said to me once.. “it would further you to have something to do.”
When I was a commercial artist I was a copyist.. I copied others in a very slick way.. and I hated it.. I felt such a fraud..
It was all outside looking in at me and I had to perform.. like a dancing bear..

Yeah, that's the lesson in the end isn't it. I have two choices in this life, learn from what has happened to me and extend to others or take what has happened to me and destroy myself and everyone else with it.

A famous author said "Experience is not what happens to us. It's what we do with what happens to us."

I think of the velveteen rabbit.. (the book is on line and easy to google)

THE
Velveteen Rabbit
OR
HOW TOYS BECOME REAL
by Margery Williams

And she held the little Rabbit close in her arms and flew with him into the wood.

It was light now, for the moon had risen. All the forest was beautiful, and the fronds of the bracken shone like frosted silver. In the open glade between the tree-trunks the wild rabbits danced with their shadows on the velvet grass, but when they saw the Fairy they all stopped dancing and stood round in a ring to stare at her.

"I've brought you a new playfellow," the Fairy said. "You must be very kind to him and teach him all he needs to know in Rabbit-land, for he is going to live with you for ever and ever!"

And she kissed the little Rabbit again and put him down on the grass.

"Run and play, little Rabbit!" she said.

But the little Rabbit sat quite still for a moment and never moved. For when he saw all the wild rabbits dancing around him he suddenly remembered about his hind legs, and he didn't want them to see that he was made all in one piece. He did not know that when the Fairy kissed him that last time she had changed him altogether. And he might have sat there a long time, too shy to move, if just then something hadn't tickled his nose, and before he thought what he was doing he lifted his hind toe to scratch it.

And he found that he actually had hind legs! Instead of dingy velveteen he had brown fur, soft and shiny, his ears twitched by themselves, and his whiskers were so long that they brushed the grass. He gave one leap and the joy of using those hind legs was so great that he went springing about the turf on them, jumping sideways and whirling round as the others did, and he grew so excited that when at last he did stop to look for the Fairy she had gone.

He was a Real Rabbit at last, at home with the other rabbits.


I think of all the secrets and lies some of us had to do.. and I see how some of us are still caught up in them.. and I see the pain caused by those secrets..

Jackie..

[Janeytwo]

I had moved to Boston on my own with two hundred dollars in my possession and I wanted to survive and find a life.. a solid settled life..

The dreams of youth. That belief that anything is possible, anything is within our grasp. And then getting pregnant and having to face that along....Not only do we have to grapple with failure of our dreams - and dreams die hard - but then we have to grapple with loss...loss of children. So hard.......

I remember being in that motel and two weeks overdue.. sitting and waiting..
Waiting for a pain or anything and then calling mom and dad and them taking me to the hospital in the dark..

Here is something strange. I have always hated motels. I have always thought they were such lonely places. Sometimes I drive by the 'no-tells' and I see a car parked in front of one of the rooms and I think "somewhere behind that door are two very lonely people, filling the void with sex that's disguised as intimacy, disguised as devotion". That is what always come to my mind. I will have to ponder why it is I always think that. But it never occurred to me that behind that door might be a young pregnant girl with no one to help her. Someone else in here posted that the road of the birthmother is lonely. So true.

I think of the times in my life when I have signed a piece of paper.. when we bought our house when I got married.. life changing stuff..

I sort of blank out when I sign things like this. I go to this hard, cold place that tells me "this is just the business of living". I become all-business woman; corporate wonderbar. Ick!

The woman that says no contact and if my bson or bdaughter does contact throw them into the brig.. the jail or fine them..

You are the second person in this forum who has expressed this threat of jail time for trying to contact a child. What is society afraid of?

No.. sorry what you want won’t compute any more and I am a person of the first order and yes I got pregnant when I should not have gotten pregnant.. but still I am good people.. and I do have a right to know"..

"


There is a person in here with the tag line "I will never be silenced". At first I wasn't sure what to make of that. It was so anathma to what I had lived...forced myself to endure. I kept looking at it and saying "What do you mean you will never be silenced? And then it dawned on me that I walked away from the courthouse with this is my mind Your sentence Janey for being less than human, for being a coward is to bow down before the decent people of the earth and never forget you are not one of them. Sure, you will work hard to live among them but you always be a marked woman.

Question to self.....what the heck is a marked woman? Work on that.

Anyway, I am not sure if this person ever put themselves there but that's what I got out of that title. Don't exactly know why I got off on that tangent. Sorry.


Lots to think about. As always,

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

The dreams of youth. That belief that anything is possible, anything is within our grasp. And then getting pregnant and having to face that along....Not only do we have to grapple with failure of our dreams - and dreams die hard - but then we have to grapple with loss...loss of children. So hard.......

I think I have hardened myself.. emotionally..
My husband was angry at someone in the post office this morning and has been ranting about it.. he sent a letter with this original receipts etc to a man in the post office in order to get his money back from the insurance he bought when he originally sent the parcel..
I can not listen to his rage.. I tell him to just give up on these people..and what is the point to even getting angry.. because most people are crap..

Here is something strange. I have always hated motels. I have always thought they were such lonely places. Sometimes I drive by the 'no-tells' and I see a car parked in front of one of the rooms and I think "somewhere behind that door are two very lonely people, filling the void with sex that's disguised as intimacy, disguised as devotion". That is what always come to my mind. I will have to ponder why it is I always think that. But it never occurred to me that behind that door might be a young pregnant girl with no one to help her. Someone else in here posted that the road of the birthmother is lonely. So true.

After we I.. decided that abortion was not going to happen.. I got to work.. I had gotten a job when we thought abortion was going to happen.. as an airline stewardess.. how stupid was that.. a skinny airline stewardess.. But then the fantasy was I was going to wave a magic wand and all would have been well..

I was less than three months on.. I know that.. and I took the job.. Grand Bahamas to Miami.. back and forth.. I was stationed in Grand Bahamas Island.. and this is what brings my memory to motels.. We would drive to Jack Tar Village which was at the end of the Island and we had to go through a locals village.. the motel there was called the ‘No Tell Motel”.. I will never forget that..

I worked till I showed.. I was wearing two girdles at that point and when I had the last flight our of Freeport and we had to wait for the first out of Miami in the morning.. I had to sit in those two girdles.. I remember sitting in a washroom.. in a toilet stall.. with my girdles off.. just breathing..
Incredible.. Just incredible..

In the end I had to sit up all nite because my back went on me.. and I had to quit.. I had enough money to get a motel for the rest of my pregnancy.. I had saved every penny.. I guess mom and dad must have helped me as they brought me food etc..
And I do not know how I would have sorted sitting in a hide away home with other unmarried pregnant girls.. and I do not know if they would have taken me or not.. as I was 20/21..
We pretended my husband was in Viet Nam.. what a romantic thought that was.. Part of me romanticizes on that..

Lonely and ashamed.. for all that time.. I do not know what it really did to me..

I sort of blank out when I sign things like this. I go to this hard, cold place that tells me "this is just the business of living". I become all-business woman; corporate wonderbar. Ick!

To sign ones child away.. what a thing to do.. put pen to paper and then the child is gone..
It seems silly almost.. and its wrong..

You are the second person in this forum who has expressed this threat of jail time for trying to contact a child. What is society afraid of?

It’s the cry of the ones that want their original birth certificate.. their knowledge that was signed away.. a word on a piece of paper..
A signature..

In Tennessee there is a law that if an adoptee contacts a birthparent when the birthparent has put their 'no contact' in a specific place.. that person can be fined or go to jail and or any child/relative of that person..
Its obscene.. and I think the same applies to the birthparent..
In opening up the various states and provinces.. (Canada) the law makers put this special thing in the records to say that if someone is afraid of contact afraid of themselves and their past.. they are protected.. from said person wanting contact..
This signature on a piece of paper.. this what you did on that end of a ride all alone on that bus..

What is society afraid of..
Interesting question..
I think its fear of being human.. fear of making mistakes and having sex when sex was not supposed to happen..
Fear of someone talking about someone behind their back..
Fear of shame and failure..
In my time.. unmarried pregnant women were not allowed jobs.. were fired.. (some of them as always)
No money no food no place to stay.. shunned..

My mom did not want me to be one of those people so she sent me to doctors offices to ask for an abortion.. Illegal one..
More laws.. that crush people..

There is a person in here with the tag line "I will never be silenced". At first I wasn't sure what to make of that. It was so anathma to what I had lived...forced myself to endure. I kept looking at it and saying "What do you mean you will never be silenced? And then it dawned on me that I walked away from the courthouse with this is my mind Your sentence Janey for being less than human, for being a coward is to bow down before the decent people of the earth and never forget you are not one of them. Sure, you will work hard to live among them but you always be a marked woman.

Yes.. And I do not like most people..
I shun them now.. I am much happier alone..
There are some amazing people out there that will not be silenced.. Marley Grenier.. who was one of the originals at Bastard Nation.. a group of adoptees.. that opened up Oregon completely.. no special parts that say if someone does not want to be contacted and you contact you will be fined.. etc..
One state.. and all the rest to go..
And the women of CUB.. Concerned United Birthparents..
Incredible women that started up a group.. in the seventies.. said thing.. tried things.. worked to help women that were in the silence mode..
I knew nothing about them in the seventies.. as I was in the silence..
I did not start my journey till 1985..

Question to self.....what the heck is a marked woman? Work on that.

My daughter.. whew.. She is a strong woman.. She wrote songs a while back.. was in a punk band.. a yelling band.. and she yelled and yelled.. and the fellows behind her played very loud..
She wrote a song called.. Revenge of the Alien Baby

I do not know where it came from.. but I bet some of it is what she learned from me..
Now she is working in the film business.. and she marks herself..

I remember speaking to my son.. my third born about her and how she keeps putting herself out there taking chances.. getting tattoos..
And he said.. Mom she is a woman living in a world where the pretty thin ones are expected to rule..
Are used.. (not his exact words but pretty close)

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Yesterday I was reconnecting with a high school friend on face book (ah the things I do in my old age), and she commented how much I had changed my senior year in college and after. She had put it down to my getting married (assuming I had been distracted by dating I guess.) but said now she realized it was probably my response to being pregnant with D and unmarried. She's right... I turned in on myself and built a wall, because I never knew what peoples' reactions would be. Even after I placed D I held my pain inside and went on with my senior year as if nothing had happened. (Right). I married (a good friend) because it seemed safe. I've made many safe choices in my life. It hasn't been a bad life at all, just not what it could have been. I love unconditionally but I don't trust easily if that makes sense.