[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm writing a series of posts over the next week and a half dedicated to biological fathers and the issues surrounding relinquishment and Father's Day. I wrote a post here asking a series of questions. I'll repost here the questions that I have asked of birth/first mothers.

are you a birth mother? How does Father's Day make you feel with regards to your relinquished child and his/her biological father? Are you able to set aside resentment and wish him a happy day or not? Does his involvement or lack thereof make you feel happy, sad, angry or ambivalent? Despite what may have been a rocky past, are you able to let him "have his day" whether he acknowledges it or not?

Please feel free to contact me privately via the e-mail address on the post. Or to comment directly on the post. Or to comment here.

Feel free to share the good and the bad but I will not be posting anything degrading birth fathers as a whole. (Any comments making generalizations about biological fathers on the blog will be deleted.) Your stories are your own, not everyone elses, so own your words.

(And yes, I'll be hitting the other forums (adoptive parents and adoptees) over the next few days as well as making a plea to birth fathers themselves.)

ANYWAY... please share.

[BrandyHagz]

are you a birth mother?

I am, yes. As well as a mother.

How does Father's Day make you feel with regards to your relinquished child and his/her biological father?

This year is bitter sweet - my daughters parents are divorcing and I worry about how that impacts her. Beyond that, I dunno.

Are you able to set aside resentment and wish him a happy day or not?

I have no resentment towards B at all, but our friendship changed with the birth of M 12 years ago...I'd love to be able to wish him a happy day.

Does his involvement or lack thereof make you feel happy, sad, angry or ambivalent?

I am sad for him, his parented kids and M that he isn't more involved. B is a single father raising three kids, one of which is his step child.

Despite what may have been a rocky past, are you able to let him "have his day" whether he acknowledges it or not?

Like I said above, our friendship has changed a lot. It's been over a year since I last talked to him but if we were still as close as we were prior to my marriage, then my answer would b yes. It is his day.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Thanks, Brandy.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I am a birthmother to 2 children placed under vary different circumstances and at different ages in their lives.

I have different feelings regarding the father and the relinquishments for each child. One of them I do have some resentment regarding (even though I am married to the birthfather of both children placed for adoption) but the other one I do not. It is based on the circumstances but it is not overwhelming for me. I am sure he has his own negative emotions connected to that particular child. I acknowldege my husband (the bfather) as the father to all of his children and always wish him the best on father's day. I never push the issue of the relinquished children though. It is not my place to do that for him.

I am saddened for him regarding the lack of involvement. I think he has similar feelings but he is not the kind to talk about that very often. I try to be there for him when he does talk and be non-judgmental. AFter all, no one is perfect... we all make mistakes.

Our two children we raised and I work very hard to make him feel special on father's day. We let him shape his day and throw in a few surprises for him. He is a wonderful person who is full of love and devotion for his family. He deserves nothing but the same in return.

[thanksgivingmom]

I emailed you Jenna.

[lahdh4]

I will have to try and write this again.

[SchmennaLeigh]

bmomto2_momto2; Thank you for your input. You (and a commenter on the blog) have brought up the point that there are a number of birth mothers that go on to marry the birth father of their relinquished child(ren). I know this, of course, as Tara is always the one I defer to for this point of view. I had already planned on writing about this next week but I think you for expanding that point of view... that you can still be married and have some negative feelings.

Tmom; Got your e-mail!

Leigh; write right now!

[belleinblue1978]

I don't have any contact with him and don't care to, I reserve this day for my dad.

[quantum]

I've never thought about my son's bdad on Father's day. I guess I always thought of him barely involved in the conception, not involved in the pregnancy at all and begrudgingly involved in the relinquishment so I've never really thought of him as a 'father'.
For many years Father's day has been about my dad, which brings up a whole bunch of other issues! And now is more about my husband and father of my daughters.

Although I think I will think about the birthfather this year. Wish I knew how to contact him.

[bromanchik]

are you a birth mother?
yes

How does Father's Day make you feel with regards to your relinquished child and his/her biological father?

I try and send a card to both my son's birthfather and adoptive father. I am not all that consistant, but I try.

Are you able to set aside resentment and wish him a happy day or not? Does his involvement or lack thereof make you feel happy, sad, angry or ambivalent?
Matt is almost 24. We worked out our issues a long time ago.

[lahdh4]

I know, I know.
My last one was just to mean.

I really don't have any feelings. He chose not to have a relationship with Supergirl. I didn't stop him. He has a son who he is suppossed to be parenting but long story and I won't get into that : who tells him Happy Father's Day.
He just lost out on a chance to know a great girl and I will not be the one to tell him about her. I stopped that awhile ago. I will tell him that I had a visit but he doesn't ask; he doesn't know.
I am happy that Supergirl is not involved with him or the way his life has turned out. So it is his loss.

[thanksgivingmom]

Hey Jenna, I don't want to miss the post your writing when it happens so would you mind posting the link here when it's up?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Of course.

[keds]

are you a birth mother?

Yes and mom to 2 other great kids - full siblings as I DID marry bdad.

How does Father's Day make you feel with regards to your relinquished child and his/her biological father?

I've always been very angry that he was able to "forget" our bson and now, in reunion, can't face the past - his problem but hurtful to me and I'm sure bson. I just want to say "get over yourself". He left after bson was born and the papers were signed and went off to school and I stayed behind and dealt with "people".

Are you able to set aside resentment and wish him a happy day or not?

Since reunion, I have tiptoed around the week of father's day but it's not like bson is sending cards/letters. Besides, he's not my father so why should I ruin the day for them?

Does his involvement or lack thereof make you feel happy, sad, angry or ambivalent?

Yes, sad, angry, disgusted, ticked off. I realize that he doesn't have the coping skills and his family was so disappointed in him (even though he's gone on to great things). There are days when I wish I hadn't married him so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this but the heart wants what it wants and, for some reason, I feel like bson would be disappointed if we hadn't stayed together - strange and weird but feelings nonetheless.

Despite what may have been a rocky past, are you able to let him "have his day" whether he acknowledges it or not?

Yes. He knows if he does want to be a part of the reunion it would be great to celebrate together but I won't force him or make it difficult for him.

[JustPeachy]

I'm a birthmom and never really gave any thought at all to father's day as it pertains to my son's bdad. We are not in touch and have not been for decades (since before my son was born). In fact, father's day doesn't ring much at all on my register, as my own father has been deceased for many years. We don't make a terribly big deal out of mother's day in my family either.