[Janeytwo]

I have been remembering my mother standing behind me in the hospital lobby after my sister Susie* had her baby. I remember mom saying to me, "See Janey. Good girls get to keep their babies. Good girls get to have husbands."

I remember all the years at various family functions sister Susie loudly announcing that she was a virgin when she got married. I remember her saying "I wasn't a slut like you, huh Janey?" Then laughing. And everyone else laughing too. Her saying that in front of my brothers.

I know my children have been ghosts...ghosts in my heart....I know I have spent a lifetime apologizing silently to my family for my children.

Apologizing by accepting these labels "blacksheep"... "slut".... "the girl who liked boys too much".... "boy crazy"...."the girl who got around"

Dear 16 year old Janey....this Janey here now is reaching across time to try and help you.

Janey

[josh1788smom]

(((((Janey)))))

Big hugs go out to you!

Are you sure your sister is not my husband's sister???? Seems like every family has to have one of them.

Sorry for your pain - caused by your own family.

[SchmennaLeigh]

So, so sad. Families can be so cruel at times.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Joshsmom,

Thanks for the hugs. I am trying to understand how it is that people I love can do this to me. I can't imagine doing it to my daughters or my sisters.

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Dear SchmennaLeigh,

You're right. Cruel is the only word for it. And it has caused me to be cruel to myself. Now...to try and find a way to undo that.

Thanks for listening.

Janey

[JustPeachy]

I am trying to understand how it is that people I love can do this to me.

I think people who do things like this are terribly cruel and insecure, and need to put others down to boost themselves up. Also, if your sis was making grand announcements about how she was a virgin when she got married, I would wonder if in fact she really was. Why the need to make an issue out if it?? Methinks she doth protest too much.

Janey your mom and sister were wrong to do this to you and say those things, but you do not have to believe these messages. They are not truth. And I'm willing to bet your mom and sister have things in their background that aren't so perfect, either.

[kakuehl]

Funny (not), how our society still considers sexual "sins" to be the worst possible sins. It seems to me that "minor sins" like gossiping can do far more damage to individuals and society.

As some of you know, I am a firm believer in the unconditional love and forgiveness of God. I also know that humans find both more difficult to do. My more was both forgiving and judgmental (years later when my sister married - about 15 years after I did - she wore Mom's wedding dress; mom commented that she hadn't wanted me to wear it although she hadn't said so to me at the time.) I also learned a long time ago that it was easier to believe in God's forgiveness than it was to forgive myself. God be with you Janey.

[RavenSong]

Your sister sounds like a cruel woman. I think I would have slapped her upside the head... If my brother ever made such a statement to me, I can promise you he'd live to regret it. I don't take crap from my family at all anymore, especially when it comes to my history of teenage pregnancy and relinquishment.

[paigeturner]

Janey,

I'm so sorry you were put through so much cruelty. I'm with Raven...I would have made any of my siblings suffer for being that mean...It says way more about their character than it does yours.

(((hugs)))

[Patty-cake]

Janey,
How sad. I hope that you are now surrounded by kind people who love you and will stand behind you. Patty

[Janeytwo]

Dear Raven (and everyone),

It is so hard to hear people standing behind me. Scary even. I have resented all the comments of my family all these years but I have loved them anyway. I don't know what that means but there it is.

Sigh....so much to sort through.

Thanks for listening.

Janey

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Dear Raven (and everyone),

It is so hard to hear people standing behind me. Scary even. I have resented all the comments of my family all these years but I have loved them anyway. I don't know what that means but there it is.

Sigh....so much to sort through.

Thanks for listening.

Janey

Janey, I don't find it surprising that you loved your family anyway or that it is hard even scary to hear people behind you. Let us say rather that we are sitting in plain view, letting you know that we are supporting you, that many of us have been there too.

The question I ask myself, is how did your mother upset her parents; how did she fail to live up to their expectations? Families are good at identifying one member as the "bad one"; it takes the focus off themselves. My mother always felt when one of her children was less than perfect it meant that she was a bad mother. Imagine her feelings when her firstborn got pregnant "out of wedlock" and then "gave the baby away." She forgave me... I had much more difficulty forgiving myself.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy,

Thank you for this post. I think of my mom and I and what happened a lot. How it affected our relationship.

Roughly 14 years ago I did write her a letter of apology for causing her to lose 2 grandchildren. After a few years in another recovery group, I came to realize that perhaps I owed her this; that perhaps she suffered as well. It did help me to ease some of my guilt.

She never acknowledged receiving the letter as she would think of such an act as weakness but I am hopeful that in the part of her heart that is broken that it helped her in some way.

Tonight I think I'll go in here and read some of the stories people have written about themselves. I think it would be a very healing thing.

Wishing you good things today!

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

It is so hard to hear people standing behind me. Scary even. I have resented all the comments of my family all these years but I have loved them anyway. I don't know what that means but there it is.

Getting angry is okay.. Anger points the way.. Helps a person to sort..

from her wonderful book.. "The Artist Way" Julia Cameron, page 61

Week 3
chapter called. "Recovering a Sense of Power"


Anger
Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone,
break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those
bastards. But we are *nice* people, and what we do with our anger is
stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate
it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but *listen* to it.


Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a
demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a *map*.
Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want
to go. It lets us see were we've been and lets us know when we haven't
liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery
of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.



I had a terrible time sorting my anger towards my mom and dad.. I was afraid of it.. I was afraid of what I would do..
And now I can not even remember what it was really about..
Sorting our past and understanding what really happened is key..



Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out..
Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take
the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little
thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending
us..


Janey you are not alone..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie,

Anger....I am glad you and others keep typing this word in posts to me. It is an acknowledgement that I can't get around my grief by keeping quiet. The anger is there like a massive block of concrete...

And I would love to say something cutesy-pie like "and I'm an artist chipping away at it..."

Yeah right. That concrete is threatening to smash me. It feels like the thing will tip, there'll be this huge BOOM and I'll be flattened....nothing left of Janey but some broken bones and pieces of hair.

That's what scares me Jackie.... who will I be after this? Will I be a more humane person one step further down the road, or will I be some shrew standing in the ditch trying to keep people down with me.

I am many things but I'm no fool. I know you've experienced this too, people walking into the rooms to get better, sharing their anger and then using it, turning into one-steppers caught in the snare of their own hatred. Lashing out at the world and everyone in it.

I don't want that! If that happens to me Jackie, then I will have lost my heart that has kept my babies within it all these years. Then they really will be gone.

Janey