[Janeytwo]

Hi, A sort of long post...thanks for your patience if you read this....


A couple of times God tried to reach me...he sent some boats if you know what I mean........

One was Danny; an adopted son I met through recovery who had been searching for his adoptee mom. He knew about me (I let it slip only once in recovery) and so he sort of asked me to go on this journey with him.

I didn't want to. I uhmmm....well....I had reservations. Not just because of my denial. I had that covered (yeah right). No, it was more that Danny was so hopeful. He and his adoptee mom were going to meet, there was going to be this instant recognition and love and everything was going to be wonderful and his adopter parents were going to completely understand and have no problem with it. (My heart breaking for Danny some years further on.)

I was really scared for Danny but I didn't tell him that. Actually I really dropped the ball. I said "wouldn't that be wonderful" or something cowardly along those lines. Anyway, he asked me to pray for him that this picture he had in his mind would be the outcome and I remember doing so, only with one eye open in a kind of "God, I know that you know that I have reservations about asking you this but...." That kind of prayer.

Here's where the first boat came. I had this gut feeling one day that I should take my baby daughter for a walk and go see Danny. When I got to his house he was sobbing hysterically, one hand on the phone, something like three cigarettes lit at once and he was just crying like I've never seen any man cry in my life. When he hung up the phone he looked at me all wild-eyed and said "THAT WAS MY BIRTHMOM! THAT WAS HER!! SHE LOVES ME!! SHE WANTS TO SEE ME! I HAVE SISTERS!! I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THEM!! SHE EMAILED ME A PICTURE! I LOOK LIKE HER!" He went on like that for near ten minutes. I just let him ramble without interruption, except I hugged him...I know I did that.

But the whole time I'm looking at the sky going "What are you up to? Don't give any crapolio either! What's going on? What kind of game are you running and don't deny you do that kind of thing either because I know you do!"

I heard God say, "I'm trying to help you, Janey. You are lost and I don't know what else to do but put this boy in your life. It's my job to help you."

My answer. "Find new employment." I stayed with Danny for a time then went home and cleaned my rugs.

The second boat was a nun (true story). That's the kind of sense of humor God has. He sent a nun! She was using our recovery group's room for an adopter parents meeting. I had the duty of running the meetings that month and everybody wanted the room so I had to talk to the nun. Stupidly, I saw what the group was about and said as if I was discussing the newest flavor of Stroh's ice cream. "Oh I gave two babies up."

She asked me if I would be willing to talk about that. I said that, no, I was over that, it was a long time ago, and that life went on.

She gave me this sad smile and this look of compassion, then handed me her business card and said that if I ever needed to talk she was there to listen.

I threw it in the trash on my way to get the books for the meeting. In the middle of walking back to the room, I stopped dead in my tracks...stunned. I realized it was my babies birthdays! I looked up at God and said, "That was cruel. Whatever it is you think you're doing, don't do it again."

He said, "I can't give up on you Janey. It's not my way."

I've kept a watchful eye on God for over ten years since, taking great care not to speak to anyone about adoption, even my therapist.

Then one day last week, God finally got what He wanted. After I saw that clock, I logged in here, sobbing like Danny and found an old e-friend who I'd missed over the years. There she was, just waiting! There I was finally so devastated that all I could do was look at God and say, "Thanks. Thanks for the boat."

I can feel him now above me grinning that grin and saying, "You're welcome Janey."

One last thing, though Danny and his adoptee mom did hook up, she began to cling to him so tightly that it frightened him and he spent a lot of his time running from her. His new sisters struggled with accepting him and the sister he had been raised with refused to speak to his new family. She also accused him of devastating his adopter mom. His adopter mom cried a lot but hung in there but things were broken for quite a time. Danny stopped speaking to me after that.

Danny, if you're out there I pray that your prayer was answered. I mean that. You were a good friend.

Janey

[kakuehl]

Hi Janey,
Thank you for sharing your story. So I guess the question is, where are you now emotionally, etc? What does it mean that you are in the boat now?

Blessings on your journey.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Kathy,

Thanks for your reply. What does it mean about the boat?

I wrote this big response then erased it all because the truth is I just don't know what it means.

I only know I'm in the boat, the oars are rusty and I don't have a clue where I'm headed.

That's the most honest I can be.

Last night I was beating myself up because of all the posts I've been sending. Then I saw how many posts you have. Don't take that the wrong way. It was a blessing. It gave me permission to keep writing and not feel ashamed of that.

Thanks to all the people like you in here who've worked so hard,

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

A couple of times God tried to reach me...he sent some boats if you know what I mean........

A way to your feeling self.. IMO

But the whole time I'm looking at the sky going "What are you up to? Don't give any crapolio either! What's going on? What kind of game are you running and don't deny you do that kind of thing either because I know you do!"

A running away from your feeling self.. a running away to clean the carpets..

I heard God say, "I'm trying to help you, Janey. You are lost and I don't know what else to do but put this boy in your life. It's my job to help you."

My answer. "Find new employment." I stayed with Danny for a time then went home and cleaned my rugs.

As John Bradshaw said on that TV show.. “If I could drive you out of your minds I would do it!”

Turning around and feeling feelings is soooo hard.. When I first started doing it.. I would go for long walks.. my walkman on and I would just break out in tears while walking.. I do not know what folks thought of me..
I just cried and cried..

I think it was my grief finally finally coming out..
Us women from the closed era (some men I am sure as well) did not grieve.. we did not go through the stages of grief.. we stayed in the first stage.. according to Kubler Ross’s thoughts.. we stayed in denial..
Push it away.. don’t go there.. it hurts way too much..

The second boat was a nun (true story). That's the kind of sense of humor God has. He sent a nun! She was using our recovery group's room for an adopter parents meeting. I had the duty of running the meetings that month and everybody wanted the room so I had to talk to the nun. Stupidly, I saw what the group was about and said as if I was discussing the newest flavor of Stroh's ice cream. "Oh I gave two babies up."

She asked me if I would be willing to talk about that. I said that, no, I was over that, it was a long time ago, and that life went on.

She gave me this sad smile and this look of compassion, then handed me her business card and said that if I ever needed to talk she was there to listen.

Talking about it.. is something some of us could not do..
If we talked about it that would mean we were vulnerable and open for discussion.. open for someone entering that very very hard place and putting their thoughts in..
Pushing a button that must not be pushed..

Opening a door that was locked tight..

Not allowed..

And this is why some women (men I am sure as well) say.. no contact.. don’t speak to me.. don’t go there..
Its like I am hanging on as tight as I can and if you make me cry I will fall..
And I am afraid of falling..

I threw it in the trash on my way to get the books for the meeting. In the middle of walking back to the room, I stopped dead in my tracks...stunned. I realized it was my babies birthdays! I looked up at God and said, "That was cruel. Whatever it is you think you're doing, don't do it again."

He said, "I can't give up on you Janey. It's not my way."

Nope.. I believe that until we go into the emotions of this.. we will continue to stay in that hard hard place of locked down emotions..

The only way out is through..
Prisoner in a dark Cave..

From Healing The Shame That Binds You.. John Bradshaw.. page 115

To heal our toxic shame we must come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it. In order to change our toxic shame we must embrace it. There is an old therapeutic adage which states, “The only way out is through.”

Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid. In fact, most of our neurotic behavior is due to the avoidance of legitimate pain. We try to find an easier way. This is perfectly reasonable. However, as Scott Peck has said, “The tendency to avoid emotional suffering…… is the primary basis for all mental illness.”

In the case of shame, the more we avoid it, the worse it gets. We cannot change our “internalized” shame until we “externalize” it.

A Parable:

The Prisoner In The Dark Cave

There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness..

I've kept a watchful eye on God for over ten years since, taking great care not to speak to anyone about adoption, even my therapist.

Then one day last week, God finally got what He wanted. After I saw that clock, I logged in here, sobbing like Danny and found an old e-friend who I'd missed over the years. There she was, just waiting! There I was finally so devastated that all I could do was look at God and say, "Thanks. Thanks for the boat."

I can feel him now above me grinning that grin and saying, "You're welcome Janey."

I think you are ready for the next step..
All this takes time.. and the great trauma you suffered is beyond wrong..

Being alone when we need others isolates us.. Grief.. when giving a baby up for adoption.. or two babies.. needs to be done..
I do not think we can pretend it away.. or brave it away..
Bury it.. below our feeling self..

I used to write that birthmoms or dads need an Irish wake when they give their babies up.. A place to rage and cry and yell and get stupid..
A place to be loved and hugged and cried with..
It did not happen for me.. I had to be quiet about it.. mom would say.. “The walls have ears Jackie.”

I remember a girlfriend that was raped.. she told me that she could handle the rape but what she could not handle was the way the doctor spoke to her when she told him about what had happened..
We humans need others.. We need love and nurture..
I know my mom did not get nurture when she was growing up.. and in turn she did not know how to show it to me at a terrible time in my life..

One last thing, though Danny and his adoptee mom did hook up, she began to cling to him so tightly that it frightened him and he spent a lot of his time running from her. His new sisters struggled with accepting him and the sister he had been raised with refused to speak to his new family. She also accused him of devastating his adopter mom. His adopter mom cried a lot but hung in there but things were broken for quite a time. Danny stopped speaking to me after that.

Danny, if you're out there I pray that your prayer was answered. I mean that. You were a good friend.

You were there for him at a time in his life.. when he needed someone..
A listener.. Someone that understood.. I wish you had of had someone when you gave your babies up..
Its why I keep trying to connect here.. We need human understanding in order to heal in order to give ourselves permission to heal..

What a thing..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Hmm... I started to reply and my four year old grandson made it go away! (LOL)

Janey, I post all over the forums; sometimes I vent, sometimes I share a good time, sometimes I just add my "two cents." I hope you continue to post as often as you want or need to.

I also believes that God never gives up on us (although I think sometimes he has to hit me over the head with a 2X4 to get my attention.)

[stephaniejurek]

Was one baby boy peck?