[thanksgivingmom]

Okay, please, no flaming. I'm just being honest trying to discuss something I personally have been having a hard time with recently. I'm looking for other opinions, experiences, and support. Thank you.


Okay, so recently, I've found myself bitter at joyous announcements of TPRs or the end of revoke periods. I do not want to take anything away from the joy that these new or expanding families experience and I know it's completely their right to celebrate. So understand, I'm not asking for anyone to tame down their joy or to censor themselves in their excitement.

Does anyone else have these feelings though? I just feel like I want to check and see if the bmom is okay. I want to know what agency they went through and if it was ethical. I want to know if the bmom was coerced in any way. If she has support. If she's got counseling, if she wants/needs it.

I don't know...am I alone in this?

[sammyhas3]

I agree with what you are saying ......... I always wonder about how the birthmom is doing

[belleinblue1978]

I'm with you. I always think of the bmom too. It's tough b/c one family gets so much joy out of another's family's grief.

[BrandyHagz]

I do. I admit it.

I have a bigger problem with people who 'hope' for children to be removed by the system, so they can foster with the hope to adopt.

This - not as a birth mother - but as a former foster parent.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I have a bigger problem with people who 'hope' for children to be removed by the system, so they can foster with the hope to adopt.

Brandy, I totally agree. My first thought/hope is always that the parents will pull together for the child, not that the child will be removed.

[Oceans]

Okay, so recently, I've found myself bitter at joyous announcements of TPRs or the end of revoke periods. I do not want to take anything away from the joy that these new or expanding families experience and I know it's completely their right to celebrate. So understand, I'm not asking for anyone to tame down their joy or to censor themselves in their excitement.

I get a little pang on both accounts. I am happy for the afamily but am always sad for the bfamily. Sometimes finalization bothers me too. I guess I wonder if the bmom goes through TPR day all over again or just the permanency of the whole thing. I am happy for the family but I think about the bfamily more.

And Brandy - I couldn't agree more.

I usually wont honor prayer request either... Maybe bad of me I just hope for the best possible outcome for all.

[RavenSong]

TGM, I'm so glad you started this thread. I was just thinking about this the other day. I always feel a twinge of pain for the birthmom when I read TPR announcements.

Like Brandy, I'm a former foster parent, as well as a birthmom. And I get pretty ticked off when I read threads where people are hoping that the biological parents will trip themselves up and fail. I was never in the foster-to-adopt program...most of my kids were eventually reunified with their parents or aged out of the system (I had mostly teenagers). I just get incredibly sad and angry when I read a post about how someone is praying that a mother will slip up and lose her child....

[belleinblue1978]

The whole praying for people to lose their kids... that makes my stomach upset honestly. Who would want an adoptive parent that PRAYED that their first parents would fail?

[portlowski]

I am an amom and I feel the same way...yet I also understand the feelings of excitement because I had those feelings myself. I had huge feelings of sadness when TPR happened with my son (I posted here about those feeings) that somewhat muddied my silmetaneuos joy. When the adoption was finalized, however, I allowed myself to be excited because at that point my son was technically a ward of the state and I don't think anyone feels sad when "the state" loses custody! My son's bmom said she didn't feel sad at finalization, just relieved that the parents she had picked made it through the probationary period.

After we were matched I wanted to be a mom so much...and a mom to this baby in particular because I felt such a good connection with the family but I just prayed for strength for both me and my son's mom...that no matter what happened we would each be able to handle the consequences. I never felt rigth "wanting" her baby...although I did. It's a weird position to be in...to develop a relationship with an expectant mom and to begin to care about her very much and then it becomes confusing because in a way you don't want her to choose adoption, and in another way you do. The paradox was very huge for me for a long time and it is only now that I am making peace with it.

[LibbyHawkins]

I foster with the hope of someday adopting. I have never prayed for the parents to fail or to lose their child. I pray for the best outcome for that child. So far that has not been me, I keep doing it because of the pure joy, yes JOY I get from nurturing and caring and Loving these kids. I transition as much as the system or parent allows. I spend a few minutes each week telling my current little ones Dad all the little things he likes with the hope that Dad will know how to comfort him when I am not there to do so. I picked this little one up from the hospital and he is bonded to me and I to him.

It might seem to you that we pray for the parents to fail. I think from a Foster parent's perspective, we only wonder how many chances they deserve . . .and we often wonder if the "System" is really looking out for the best interests of the child. Aren't they the important ones here? You wouldn't want to see your child hurt, left alone or exposed to drugs, how painful would that be. . .That is why we pray for the child, for what is best for the child. We pray for Wisdom for those with the abilities to affect these children's lives. Oh, and often I might add, we pray for the parent to find the strength to walk the right path, to have what is best for their child in mind at all times.

When it gets to the point of TPR, a lot has of happened. I think in the cases of each story I have been personally made aware - each of you would be amazed at the number of chances the parents of our kids are given before the system gives up on their right to parent. Most caseworkers, lawyers and judges will flat out tell us, this is not about the best interest of the child, the parent has a right to parent. It is about the best interest of the Family.

Are we joyous when we are given the right to parent these children, you bet. Weren't you joyous when you were given that right? Shouldn't any parent worthy of the Name feel joy when given the opportunity to be a Parent?

[EZ2Luv]

I am with Brandy on this. I would never pray for a child to be seperated from their bmom just so another mother could have them.

Now if it is a case where the child is already i the system and have had many years of abuses and neglect at the hands of the bparents and have bounced from one fhome to another, I might consider it. Most of the time I will paray that God's will be done.

APs just waiting for TPR after birth type of thing bothers me too. I am talking about posts where the APs are waiting for the TPR of a newborn while the Bmom might still be in the hospital and still be in the throughs of raging hormones and feeling she "owes" the APs the baby cause she is afraid of hurting or siapointing them I can understand the APs sense of relief but first and foremost I can not in good conscience cheer this on. I always say to myself, "this is the last chance for the Bmom to change her mind" Again more like a "Thy Will be done "
Quite honestly(please dont no one flame me) I sometimes pray that the Bmom DOES change her mind. Not to hurt thr APs, but just because of the impact this decision will have on her life andwe don't know that this secision is because of a temporary situation or if the Bmom is being pressured or coerced.
I am not anti adoption, but I also believe that before any adoption Bmoms should really know that they can parent.

EZ

[BrandyHagz]

I want to make sure I am clear that I do support permanency for children. I am appalled and disgusted by some of the things I read that foster parents have to go through with the state…

I am thankful I never had to do that – I only had two placements and both were fantastic – great social workers, wonderful parents, honest mistakes.

Having been active in my local foster parent group for a time before becoming actually licensed (I was somewhere in the middle, short term shelter care) I do know that bad things happen to good people – and it makes me sad to see conclusions jumped to so hastily…but I also understand that after dealing with the same ‘kind’ of people over and over again, you tend to expect the worst…

[SchmennaLeigh]

TPR was harder than the adoption finalization for me.