[keds]

Hi friends - sorry, this may be off topic but my middle daughter came home yesterday from a school trip and told me that there were "rumours" that she had spent the night with 2 boys but the last thing she remembers was having a drink with them at the bar around 9:30(they were buying) and waking up alone. I thought if she was drinking/drunk to the point where she blacked out she would have been sick - right? I'm thinking something else was involved but from what the doctor says if it was there wouldn't be any trace in her system after 12 hours.

My problem, and the reason for my post, the talk around town is "well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". As I feared, my history is coming back to haunt her. Of course, I wasn't under the influence, had sex one time with my steady boyfriend of 2 years and we are now married and have been together for almost 30 years. I forced myself to walk into school with my head up and ignored the comments, notes and disgusting things left in my locker and did my crying at home. I don't think she has the same strength. Too, I'm worried that she's living away from home this year for school and I'm about 10 hours away. Firstly, I told her to go to the clinic and get checked out - and do as they say. Then I told her to call the two of them and find out what really happened - there is a possibility they were just "bragging" about nothing but I highly doubt it, something stinks. The worst is they've been friends for years and it just doesn't make sense. Mind you when I was younger your friends watched your back.

Any advice? I can't think of anything worse than this, I feel that my past is making it so much worse. Thanks so much.

[bajj]

Keds, first of all, your past is not why your daughter is in this position now. I do hope that they just took her to her bed and left her alone, but I also don't blame you for being concerned.

I think you are right in telling her to go to the clinic and get checked out. She should also talk to her friends and hopefully they will be honest with her.

BTW, no matter what other people think, you are not a bad apple. I know what it feels like for people to say such rude and inappropriate things (my own mom does this to me all the time). I am so sorry you are reliving your past while trying to help your daughter.

You will both be in my prayers. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

[kakuehl]

Keds, how old is your daughter? I have to admit the date drug comes to mind. It amazes me, btw, that in this day and age there is a lot of talk about this. Most of the places I've been that attitude is that "anything goes!" Also, it's easy for us to think that our children are not as strong as we are. Usually we underestimate them!

Recognize that your "past" is making it worse for you (Not necesarily for your daughter). I continually wonder how my past choices have impacted the lives of the children I raised (as well as D). When my daughter (as a young teen), learned about her oldest brother, her comment was "At least I know you'd understand if I got pregnant". Inwardly I was screaming NO! That's not the lesson I want you to learn!

Ultimately, our children need to make their own mistakes; harder for me to accept is that my children cannot/ will not learn from MY mistakes.

YOu are in my thoughts and prayers.

[keds]

Bajj and Kathy, thanks it is probably "all in my mind" but, as you know the family blames me for a lot so it's sometimes hard to separate - one reason I love the forums - just the facts! Anyway, she's 20 and is very careful so when she told me that she didn't remember anything and there wasn't any "evidence" so to speak I figured they either used something or it didn't happen. For me, I'm not taking any chances, she went to the clinic, asked for a drug test too and we'll see. I just hate the fact that some people thnk less of her because of me - it was stated but I made a point of calling the individual today and said "if you have something to say about me, then have the courage to tell me directly, otherwise keep your mouth shut". Needless to say the point was made and I feel better. The good thing was the husband (a former friend of my husband) called him later to tell him he was listening in and she feels very badly that her daughter spoke about what she said - talk about apples and trees! Thanks for the comments. I have to keep telling me it isn't about me!!!

[Oceans]

Keds... I am so sorry that others are just plain mean. I have to agree with Kathy - the first thing that came to mind was a date rape drug. Hopefully this wasn't the case but please remind her to NEVER, EVER leave a drink (even water) unattended in public. Don't even allow someone to buy you a drink at the bar and walk back to the table with it... It's just not safe anymore (sadly). Remember the days when us girls went to the bathroom together? lol Now you have to leave someone behind to watch your drink...

It's so sad!! But do not blame yourself or feel bad for the ignorant comments - this is not your fault. ((( Hugs )))

PS: Good for you for fighting back!!

[RavenSong]

Kate, my niece was given the "date rape" drug unknowingly when she was 14 y/o. When I took her to the hospital, they were able to run the toxicology screen even though 18 hours had elapsed. I was infuriated with how the ER staff treated her, though, before the tox results came back. This kid had been raped by a 27-year-old man (who was later convicted for it). The nurses and the ER doc scolded my niece for "putting herself in that position to begin with." I went ballistic on them...I was a volunteer rape-crisis counselor and outreach worker for over 20 years, so I was really appalled at the "professional" response.

There is always the possibility that your daughter experienced her first alcohol-induced blackout. No, you don't have to feel sick before going into a blackout state. If she has any future blackouts, she may want to consider abstaining from alcohol. Blackouts are often indicative of potential alcoholism. They can be really scary from what I've seen. I remember being in a bar with a good friend many years ago who went into a blackout. I didn't even realize she was in a blackout ~ if anything, she seemed to be less intoxicated than other people in the bar. She seemed to be aware of everything going on around her, was able to play a great game of pool, and talked to me like normal. The next day she called me, asking where in the heck we had gone the night before. She couldn't remember a single thing...

[Janeytwo]

Dear keds,

I think it is really amazing how you handled this, putting your daughter's needs right out in front of all other concerns. You are quite a mom!

Messages from the past are terrible things. Anything like this comes up and it's like someone rips off a scab and there you are standing back in the past, emotionally drained.

Hope everything turns out well and that your daughter is okay. Also, that you can find some peace in this.

Janey

[keds]

Raven, you're right about blackouts - a friend of mine is an alcoholic and I remember watching her very carefully when we went out. None of my kids drink very much - she is usually a 1 drink girl and she did say she had more than that but I talked to the bartender and he only served her 3 (it pays to know people). Honestly, I think it's a couple of boys trying to make a name for themselves but I'll wait for the tests.

Janey, great analogy - the scab has been torn off again and again. I think we, as moms, always want our kids to avoid the pain we may have suffered but those are the life lessons. I spoke with her a few moments ago and a couple of her friends are rallying around her so I think it will all work out. I'm now into feeling a tremendous rage - so I'm sticking close to home tonight and not talking to anyone. I swear if I saw these 2 kids right now I'm not sure what I would do! thanks again to everyone and I pray that I can keep my Irish temper under control.

Oceans, thanks I did try and drill that into them but she said she felt "safe" because they were her friends. HA! If anything, they really weren't! I'll pass on your comments, sometimes when it comes out of my mouth it's blah blah blah.

[kakuehl]

Don't you love the "Oh, Mother" responses from our "grown" children? BTW, my congregations are the same way. I can suggest something till I'm blue in the face and they ignore it. Someone else can say the same thing and everyone will say, "What a great idea!" (And I wonder why I feel old, LOL)

[keds]

You and me are just a couple of fossils. I have to admit though, my kids usually tell me that I was right but I have NEVER said "I told you so". No matter how much I've wanted to!

It's like when we were on vacation driving around in circles because a friend just bought a GPS and didn't quite know how to work it and, finally, my husband said to me - you've been here where do we go and 10 minutes later we were at our destination! Of course, only the wife remembered that we talked about it at breakfast before we left! Technology and teens - surely a test that I'm failing miserably!

[quantum]

((((keds))))
Let us know how things go for your daughter. How scary!
I guess this is what I have to look forward to.

I almost feel like re: 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree' comment 'Thank goodness'. In the sense that I think you're a fabulous person and I'm sure that your kids have some of that fabulousness in them as well.

[Janeytwo]

Hi keds,

I have given this some more thought...thought about your post a lot yesterday actually....

I think part of the problem for myself has been that many times I've heard the old adage that we can't really see ourselves until we've seen ourselves through the eyes of others.

I have come to see that particular little ditty as well...kind of tyranny. I'm learning (every learning...never graduating) :-) that the only way to know myself...see who I really am...is to look within...to use my soul's eyes to see me...

Other people's judgements are always predicated on what they themselves have witnessed in their own lives and often they aren't in touch with their own grief. I am guilty of this as well and so I am striving (and failing a bit these days) to understand that other people look at me through their own pain and are likely to judge me from it.

Hopefully I will reach a point where the old messages fade into a box named "this is what I use to believe about myself and I will forgive myself for that. I am after all only human."

Sigh....so much I learn from other people who reach out. I am going to begin a thread to myself based on your thread.

Thank you. You have opened a window of education for me and I will take the opportunity to learn just a bit more.

Much kindness your way,

Janey

[keds]

Janey, very insightful. I too have to adjust my perspective of myself. Take care of yourself.

[kakuehl]

Keds,
What's happening with your daughter?

[keds]

Hi Kathy, thanks for asking. She's doing OK. Lots of rumours swirling at school which is making it worse. All her tests came out OK but the doctor said that too much time passed to find what I was afraid of in her blood. I spoke with her "friends" yesterday (actually, I chastised them a bit) and made it clear that I wasn't impressed and, for what it's worth they did show remorse.

As for going forward, she seems to be over the mom I need you my life is over and moved on to mom it's all your fault. So be it. I've endured worse. I told both my raised kids years ago that you only hurt the ones you love because strangers won't put up with it! This too shall pass but it sure isn't easy! The only thing I'm really worried about is my performance at work is sliding - from first contact with bson to this - it"s a wonder I'm still standing! Thanks for asking! I will survive.