[Janeytwo]

Here is a hard admit. Very very hard.

I'm not particularly religious, just walking along if you know what I mean.

But once upon a time, some thirteen years back I admitted to my therapist that I had always secretly resented Mother Mary. I told my therapist that she seemed an impossible icon for women. That I resented her purity in relation to someone like me; a fallen woman in the eyes of my family.

Truly, I held a bitterness in my heart for Mary. I hung my head and told my therapist that there were times when it felt like I actually hated her.

I figured my therapist who was extremely spirtual would throw me out of her office.

Yet she only looked at me and said, "Janey, you don't see it do you? That the reason you fixate on Mary isn't because she's an icon of purity. It's because she's a woman who lost a son."


I have to go now. The tears are flooding me.

Janey

[jrainbow]

I spent this past Christmas with my bmom for the first time - unbelievable. My only request was that we attend a Christmas Eve Service. As we were listening to the Christmas story during the service, my bmom leaned over and whispered - "I never realized before that Mary was an unwed mother."

[Jackiejdajda]

I used to resent the ones that got to keep their babies..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Dear jrainbow,

God bless you for this simple, yet overwhemlingly wonderful response.

And I can't imagine a better answer to a prayer than to sit in such a place and feel loved.

Wishing you all good things in life.

Janey

[RavenSong]

Janey, I have often felt drawn to the Blessed Virgin Mary when I'm dealing with the grief of losing my son to adoption. And she has always, always helped me. I truly believe that Our Lady has a special place in her heart for birthmothers, that she understands our sorrow and grief, even when we, ourselves, do not. Every single time I've ever approached her for help in dealing with my son, my prayers have been answered.

I was raised in the Methodist church, but I converted to Catholicism as an adult, mainly because of my feelings toward Mary as the Mother of Christ. I was drawn to her as a teenager, shortly after I relinquished my son. One night long ago, I was contemplating the sacrifice that Mary had made when she watched her Son go out into the world. And suddenly I realized that she understood the heart of a young birthmother. She has sustained me thru the years as my true Mother and friend.

Your therapist was right, IMO....

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jackie,

I was thinking about the resentment. And it is strange...I was envious of that but even more, somehow I equated it with respectability. That only respectable girls got to get married and keep their babies. How long I have thought of adoption process as punishment........

:-(

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Remembering....when I learned I was pregnant dropping to my knees and telling God that I would do what my soul felt was right if he would stand by me and help me through it.

I am thinking about when exactly it was that I let go of His hand......

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

That only respectable girls got to get married and keep their babies. How long I have thought of adoption process as punishment........

But the babies are safe.. I think this is key in this.. Or supposed to be safe.. and if they are not safe that is another thing to sort..
It’s the intention.. And we do not have control what is going to happen..

Jackie

[julie23]

I am thinking about when exactly it was that I let go of His hand......

i hung on so tightly that first year.... but with each passing day.... each time the mailman delivered mail.... and there wasn't a letter... there wasn't a picture....

each day my grip loosened....

i think when i realized that these Christian adoptive parents were not going to keep their promise... i think that's when i let go....

that is when my pain took over... i think when i was still hanging on to God's hand, the pain was not so raw... it was easier to bear....

but when i realized that my daughter was going to be raised by people who did not keep their promise to me... by people who hated me.... for no reason other than i gave birth outside of wedlock....

i let go

and i tried alcohol instead of God.... because clearly, God wasn't working...

and i tried for many years to numb the pain... to dull the ache... to ignore it...

i didn't really start dealing with it all until about 5 or 6 years ago.... and yes, God is part of my sorting.....

i've decided it's better to hold on to his hand... than to try to drink it away...

and sorting it... helps.

sorting it.... feeling what needs to be felt... walking through what wasn't walked through years ago....

even now, it hurts... a deep aching... but i have learned to live with it... with some semblance of peace...

i have learned how to deal with it.... in a healthy way... i think...

julie

[Jackiejdajda]

julie23

i think when i realized that these Christian adoptive parents were not going to keep their promise... i think that's when i let go....

that is when my pain took over... i think when i was still hanging on to God's hand, the pain was not so raw... it was easier to bear....

but when i realized that my daughter was going to be raised by people who did not keep their promise to me... by people who hated me.... for no reason other than i gave birth outside of wedlock....

i let go

And you feel the pain and you become real..

Its grief work to me.. and the first part is denial.. and we end up with acceptance..
Travel through it..

And each and every path is different..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Dear Julie,

>>>>but when i realized that my daughter was going to be raised by people who did not keep their promise to me... by people who hated me.... for no reason other than i gave birth outside of wedlock....<<<<

I remember once reading somewhere that in Iceland no woman is stigmatized by single motherhood. That it is accepted as simply part of life. I am not sure if that is so as I've only met one person from Iceland and only briefly. But I thought too myself when reading about that that it is a shame everyone can't be like this. Can't simply embrace the gift of children in whatever package they appear.

And you are right, numbing out doesn't work real well does it? All those years when I would feel myself beginning to want to grieve...all those years when I'd tell myself that I had no right, that there were chores to attend to.....a little voice in my head would say,

"You are kidding right?"

(soft smile). My answer was always the same..."No. Now shut up and let me drive."

Much good things your way Julie,

Janey

.

[Janeytwo]

Oh Jackie,

I know and you are right. But the message, the oh so brutal message always came....

"Don't worry, you're kids are safe and you're still scum."

How embarrassing to have to admit that.

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

"Don't worry, you're kids are safe and you're still scum."

We… all of us.. need to learn how to counteract this kind of thinking.. Its aobut how to love ourselves enough to stop that part of our thinking..

I believe more than a few birthmoms think this way..
At a very traumatic time in our lives were were made to feel like scum.. some of us..
Our babies are gone.. we are bad and we need to shhhh and redeem ourselves..

Its control.. its someone controlling and someone else complying..

Writing our lives down.. seeing what really happened from out adult eyes.. is IMO the way out..
It’s the fourth step inventory in Alanon (a lot of Alanoners do not do the steps).. its looking at our resentments and then seeing them and our part in it..

Seeing how we were put down by being thought of as scum (<resentment) and seeing how we allowed it..
How we again.. allowed other to control us..

We (some of us) live our lives for others.. its how we cope.. Its how we avoid actually dealing with our life issues..

I was raised by drunks and I married a man that drank.. I had given my son up for adoption and that was not important in my world.. that was pushed away.. and not thought of (the scum part of it especially).. what was important was him.. or them.. they had to be taken care of.. they had to be made happy so they would not drink.. or drug..

Jackie

[julie23]

We… all of us.. need to learn how to counteract this kind of thinking.. Its aobut how to love ourselves enough to stop that part of our thinking..

for me, going through the adoption process as an adoptive parent taught me how to love myself.... it taught me how to respect myself and offer myself compassion....

truly, i have the deepest compassion for my daughters birthmother... she simply did not have the resources to raise this child... financially or emotionally... although our circumstances were different, i, too, found myself giving birth to a baby that i did not have the resources to raise...

if i offered her compassion, how could i not offer it to myself?

if i offered her love and kindness.... how could i not offer it to myself?

if i offered her basic human dignity... how could i not offer that to myself?

it's about saying "no" to society... it's about saying no to judgement... and "yes" to compassion...

dignity. our dignity was stripped away.

but now... i can look back and view myself differently...

i'm not proud of myself for making the decision to relinquish my parent rights.... but i am understanding of myself... a human being can only do the very best that they can do...

j

[Jackiejdajda]

I am just logging off for the day.. and I just want to say.. (I have to go and dig up my garden.. oh my aching back..)

Bravo.. Julie..

Forgiving ourselves.. and understanding that we are human.. works..


Love Jackie