[Janeytwo]

Hi.

So I will keep writing. Scared, terrified....I will keep writing.....

That day, it's in flashes of minutes. The nurse who came to me and said that she'd heard I was giving my babies up. There I am laying there, my little 16-year-old c-sectioned body, wrapped in bandages. I tell her that, yes, that's the decision I've made.

How could I have forgotten this, her saying to me, ........"Now dear, you seem like a nice girl, you're not one of those awful women who throw their children away. Yes, you've made a mistake but you're going to make that right by keeping your babies aren't you dear? It's going to be hard but that's how you're going to atone for your mistake. You seem like a good girl. I know you'll do the right thing and keep your babies. You're not one of those bad women. When your therapist comes back, you are going to tell her that you've changed your mind and you're keeping your babies aren't you dear?"

That little old nurse. I wanted so badly to please her, wanted so badly to prove that I wasn't one of those awful women!! I promised her that yes, I was good and that, no, I wouldn't give my babies up and that, yes, I would tell my therapist I'd changed my mind. And the whole time, a part of me is screaming at me WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR BABIES UP...YOU KNOW IT!! Your mother has told you you can't come home if they come home with you. And you know that you'd be poor and so would they. What are you doing you gutless little coward of a girl promising this nurse that you'll keep your babies when the whole time you know you're just saying it to please her. You coward!! Gutless!

Flashes...me giving my babies up...me saying goodbye to them through the window of the infant room at the hospital...that glass with it's strange little x's in the center...I couldn't bring myself to reach out and touch the glass trying to touch them....hoping, hoping that that little old nurse isn't standing behind me scowling at me....

Flashes...me getting into the elevator and riding down to the bottom to the lobby....me hearing that voice in my head saying....this is where gutless tramps like you get to go little girl....all the way down to the bottom...all the way to the street where you belong.

I hate myself today.


Flashes 14 years later...me at the hospital with my new baby daughter being told by nurses that if my husband doesn't bring an infant car seat with him I can't take my baby daughter home with me. Me getting hysterical screaming NO PLEASE NO NO DON'T KEEP MY BABY FROM ME! PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER AWAY!! PLEASE DON'T!!

Oh this is so hard..............

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

That day, it's in flashes of minutes. The nurse who came to me and said that she'd heard I was giving my babies up. There I am laying there, my little 16-year-old c-sectioned body, wrapped in bandages. I tell her that, yes, that's the decision I've made.

Sixteen years old.. two babies..

How could I have forgotten this, her saying to me, ........"Now dear, you seem like a nice girl, you're not one of those awful women who throw their children away. Yes, you've made a mistake but you're going to make that right by keeping your babies aren't you dear? It's going to be hard but that's how you're going to atone for your mistake. You seem like a good girl. I know you'll do the right thing and keep your babies. You're not one of those bad women. When your therapist comes back, you are going to tell her that you've changed your mind and you're keeping your babies aren't you dear?"

What she said to you was beyond wrong… She was wrong..
Sixteen years old and two babies.. how could you have done it?

She said bad woman.. and then connected it to giving babies up for adoption..
Again wrong..

Women that knew they could not care for their babies properly (today and yesterday) gave their babies to someone that could care for them..
The babies were the prime directive.. The babies are what was thought of..
Babies need so much.. as you know..

That little old nurse. I wanted so badly to please her, wanted so badly to prove that I wasn't one of those awful women!! I promised her that yes, I was good and that, no, I wouldn't give my babies up and that, yes, I would tell my therapist I'd changed my mind. And the whole time, a part of me is screaming at me WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR BABIES UP...YOU KNOW IT!! Your mother has told you you can't come home if they come home with you. And you know that you'd be poor and so would they. What are you doing you gutless little coward of a girl promising this nurse that you'll keep your babies when the whole time you know you're just saying it to please her. You coward!! Gutless!

That nurse is a horrible human being.. in my thinking..
You were trapped between a rock and a hard place..

Think about it.. stand back and see this time from your now adult eyes..

Flashes...me giving my babies up...me saying goodbye to them through the window of the infant room at the hospital...that glass with it's strange little x's in the center...I couldn't bring myself to reach out and touch the glass trying to touch them....hoping, hoping that that little old nurse isn't standing behind me scowling at me....

I have a memory of a priest standing over me.. saying something and me in my black nitie a bad girl..
A fallen woman.. a horrible person..

This is what we need to work through.. re map this stuff..
Someone can say and do anything and it is us that take it in.. allow it in..

Flashes...me getting into the elevator and riding down to the bottom to the lobby....me hearing that voice in my head saying....this is where gutless tramps like you get to go little girl....all the way down to the bottom...all the way to the street where you belong.

I hate myself today.

But this is not true..This can be re-mapped.. re done.. re thought..

Flashes 14 years later...me at the hospital with my new baby daughter being told by nurses that if my husband doesn't bring an infant car seat with him I can't take my baby daughter home with me. Me getting hysterical screaming NO PLEASE NO NO DON'T KEEP MY BABY FROM ME! PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER AWAY!! PLEASE DON'T!!

Oh this is so hard..............

I had my daughter ten years later.. I was alone after the labor in the hall.. they wheeled me out there..
A nurse came to me and asked me why no one was there.. and I told her that since I had been in labor a very long time.. days.. it seemed..
My husband had gone home.. and again.. I felt so alone.. so disconnected..
But that was the place I knew..

Good for you that you are telling the world this.. typing it up..

Learning to love ourselves.. and how to do it.
Learning to turn around and understand that what happened back there was beyond wrong.. the people that said awful things to us were beyond wrong..

Learning how to tell people like that how wrong they are and standing in our power..
Standing in our power..

That is the journey at hand..

Jackie