[ceparana]

27 years ago I gave up my son for adoption. I was recently reunited with him. I have 4 children at home ages 15, 12, 8 and 6 that I need to tell. HOw do I do this without rocking their world? The two oldest are girls.

THanks!!

[Janeytwo]

Dear Ceparana,

Strangely enough my daughter is 12 and I was beginning to fear that if I didn't tell her before her true teen years she might not get the benefit of something that could help her as she tries to deal with sexual issues that will surely come up for her when she begins dating.

Anyway, that's what I told myself. So I guess I just plowed ahead in a way. I asked if could speak with her for a minute. Then I held her hand, told her that I loved her but that something sad had happened to me once and that I wanted her to know because I always wanted the communication to be open and honest between us. I told her that once I gave two children up for adoption, that somewhere out there she has a brother and sister. Then I waited....... She was surprised and had lots of questions which I answered to the best of my ability in a way I thought a little 12 year old girl could grasp.

She did cry and I asked her why and she said she was crying for me. Something that until a few days ago I was not able to do for myself and feel terribly ashamed of now that I can.

Her questions continue once in a while and I answer them how I can.

I hope this helps. It is a frightening thing risking your children's "picture" of you (for lack of a better word).

Much peace to you,

Janey

[quantum]

Janey, that is so lovely!

Honesty is definately key.
I wish I could be more helpful. I have been quite lucky since I reunited with my son last year when he was nearly 22, the daughters I am raising were 4 and 2, so they are growing up knowing their brother!

Good luck and please let us know how it goes and use us for whatever support you need!

[JustPeachy]

The older girls are certainly capable of better understanding the issue, and grasping the complexities of it, given their ages. Maybe sit down with the older two first and be as direct and straightforward as you can. Then you can deal with their quesetions and reactions before telling this news to your younger ones, who you can explain it to in simpler terms. I like Janey's approach:

I asked if could speak with her for a minute. Then I held her hand, told her that I loved her but that something sad had happened to me once and that I wanted her to know because I always wanted the communication to be open and honest between us. I told her that once I gave two children up for adoption, that somewhere out there she has a brother and sister

It is straightforward, honest, and no need for a huge long-winded explanation. Just lay it out there and give your daughters time to respond/ask questions. I think if you are calm and collected when you tell them, and simply "matter of fact" they will feed off of that energy, rather than if you presented it with a lot of fanfare and did a lot of over-explaining.

Good luck with this. I know it is not easy to come out with something that you've kept "hidden" from them all these years, but I think you will feel relieved once you do.

[ceparana]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I only reunited with my son 3 weeks ago and just want to tell everyone. But of course I can't till the kids are told and are ok with it. I am so tired of hiding this part of my life for 27 years. I didn't realize this till I met him. He is a wonderful man, graduating from med school this month. He has written the kids a letter to tell them that he has had a wonderful life and thought I had done the right thing. Great words for any mom to hear!

Thanks again.

[KimEverson]

ceparana,
I don't have any words of wisdom...I gave my daughter up 18 years ago & she recently found me!!! We have not met. I have a 13 year old son & I told him when he was 10! I am lucky enough to have a picture of her when she was 7 months old & it has been displayed for as long as he can remember....as he grew up he constantly would ask me who the baby in the picture was & I would say I will tell you when you are older...then I just told him...I started out by telling him that when we are young we do irresponsible things & that there are times when the irresponsible things need to be "fixed" so I told him & he was fine with it...he was just as excited as I was when I received the email from her for the first time...she now emails him & she the first thing she asked him was did he know about her before or after she found his mom....she was thrilled to know that it was along time before!!!! It will work out but hiding it will only hurt your children....tell them...& if they don't understand tell them they will when they have children....I go to church with a woman who is an adoptee & she told me she NEVER understood what happened until the day she had her son & then she knew how much her birthmom loved her!!! P.S. I know what you mean about the words....my daughter told me she had a great life & she thanked me for that...she is going to be a freshman in college this coming fall!!! But my happiest day was the "Happy Mother's Day" message I received from her...that was all it said but trust me it was MORE than enough!!!!!

[kakuehl]

I told my son when he was 15 as I tried to help him understand some issues of sexuality. (His response: That was you, I'm me... so much for learning from someone else's mistakes.) He immediately told his younger sister. (Again, not what I had in mind.) However they both know of D's existence, and were both present at our first f2f. In some ways, I think their relationships with D have developed more easily tan D's and mine. (It's easier to have more siblings than another mother...)

[Janeytwo]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

(His response: That was you, I'm me... so much for learning from someone else's mistakes.) He immediately told his younger sister. (Again, not what I had in mind)

Kathy, I found myself smiling kindly at this response of yours. How simple and uncomplicated children are, aren't they? Here we adults think we're being all deep and dramatic and they just shrug and say, "yeah okay mom. Can I have a brownie now?" :-)

I love gifts like that, little moments that help me not to take life too serious even when the subject matter is.

Thanks for sharing this wonderfully human story.

Much peace to you today,

Janey

[kakuehl]

Thanks, Janey. The relationships between the three of my children are not perfect but they are good.

The older I get, the more aware I become that it is the keeping of secrets that is so destructive in families. Those secrets eat away at the ones in on the secret and can destroy the trust of those not in on the secret. Our children can end up wondering what else we haven't told them!

[ceparana]

Janey,

What questions did your daughter ask. My husband wants to be prepared for anything that the kids might ask. I am going to tell them in two weeks before my 12 year old goes to visit her grandmother. We live in Italy and she get to go by herself this year. My son who I gave up wants to visit her and get to know her. i think it is wonderful, I just hope she does.

thanks for all of your kind words.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Ceparana

Good morning to you! :-)

You live in Italy! Wow! My grandmother who died in 67 was British and used to love to go to the Italian Riveria. She said the sea there was like nowhere else.

What questions did your daughter ask.

Let's see....(jump starting my brain with my morning coffee LOL!).

The very first one she asked was "Why didn't you tell me before?" I explained that I wanted to wait until I thought she was old enough to understand.

She also asked me what their names were. I told her what their names were when they were born but that they'd probably been changed once they were adopted. I explained why, as she asked me why.

She asked what they looked like. I told her what they looked like as babies.

She asked where they lived. I told her I was trying to find that out. That that was why I'd joined the forum to try and figure out how to do that.

She said she wanted to meet them and would I be mad at her because of that. I said of course not. That she had every right to be curious but that they may not want to meet us. Then there were questions about that which I fielded as best I could to a 12 year old's mind. (Whew! She can be very analytical my youngest!)

Then she asked if her older sister knew about them and if she'd met them. (A little sibling rivalry there I think. LOL!) I told her yes, she knew and no, she hadn't met them either.

She also asked if the family knew - in fact we went through almost the entire list of my brothers/sisters and their kids. THAT took some time (big family)

Most importantly She was very quiet for a little while after this. Anyway, you know that mother's sense you get when your kids are upset and you think you know why?

I had that - so I asked her a question: Do you think when and if I meet them that I'll push you aside for them? She nodded her head and started crying and I hugged her for a long time and just kept repeating that nothing and no one could take the place of her and her sister; that I loved them both more than anything but that I also loved my other children and just wanted to make sure that they were okay so that I could have some peace; so that I could stop worrying and feeling bad about myself.

She asked me questions about why I felt that way and I talked some about that.

She processed everything for a time. I expected more questions but then she only looked at me and asked me if she could have a raise in her allowance!

Oooo boy! Kids, huh?

One thing I will say, the questions continue. Every once in a great while she'll come down and close the office door and ask if she can talk about A & R (my children).

My eldest; she's another issue. The other day I had the papers I was signing to open my name sitting on the kitchen table. She asked what they were and when I told her she said "Oh" and pushed them to one side and went on talking about my grandson's love of blueberries. I asked her if she had any questions about the process of finding her brother/sister or if she'd like to be kept undated. She said "no. Uh-uh". So I backed off and changed the subject myself.

I think with her this could be a long road but I'm not pushing it with her. Half because I don't want to upset her; half because I don't want to upset myself. I love my family like the sun in the sky but this I am doing for myself. And if others don't understand? Well....I've been down that road before when I joined Al-Anon. Family tried everything to get me to stop going but I went anyway and I am glad for it.

Anyway, hope I helped. Please feel free to ask anything that you need to in order to help you and your husband with telling your kids. I would kindly suggest that you try not to dramatize things too much. Just talk at their level, put things in simple terms and let them guide you where they want to go.

Kids are usually a lot more forgiving of us then we are of ourselves. That's been my experience at any rate.

Have a wonderful day today!

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

My eldest; she's another issue. The other day I had the papers I was signing to open my name sitting on the kitchen table. She asked what they were and when I told her she said "Oh" and pushed them to one side and went on talking about my grandson's love of blueberries. I asked her if she had any questions about the process of finding her brother/sister or if she'd like to be kept undated. She said "no. Uh-uh". So I backed off and changed the subject myself.

My son is like this.. He met my bson and they talked in the car but that is about it..
I just read the thread about ‘Difficulty accepting my newly discovered sibling’.. or something like that..

And I read the tension.. and the who should get what from whom..

I do not think it is fair to ask my third born son to accept anything about my bson.. of course their will be complications.. how could there be not..

I am sorry your daughter does not want to know the process etc.. but then I am sure she has her own issues to sort..and how can we expect them to support us.. help us..
Boards such as this give me so much.. on terms of understanding how complicated it is..

I think with her this could be a long road but I'm not pushing it with her. Half because I don't want to upset her; half because I don't want to upset myself. I love my family like the sun in the sky but this I am doing for myself. And if others don't understand? Well....I've been down that road before when I joined Al-Anon. Family tried everything to get me to stop going but I went anyway and I am glad for it.

I think of the line in the Al-anon book where it says.. if one member of the family gets better the rest will follow.. says it all..

ceparana
All I can say is its all lessons.. if your kids have a hard time then they got some learning to do.. as do we all..

But to me acceptance is the key..
Accepting their (anyone connected to this) reaction no matter what it is..
We can not go back and change it..


Jackie