[Janeytwo]

Hi. This is so scary for me even to write to people like myself but I have to finally talk to somebody, even if it's an "e-somebody".....

Thirty years ago I found myself pregnant, very young and unmarried. After much soul searching, I gave my baby daughter and son up for adoption. I put the pain from that away. I buried it so deep that even I couldn't reach it. I locked it away inside my heart in a cast iron box and threw out the key. I couldn't look back. But I couldn't let go of my secret grief either because I felt it was all I had left of my children. I believed that if I cried, I would truly lose them forever. Anyway.....this is going to seem really strange but a few weeks ago I found myself in a building staring at a white-faced clock with a steel rim that was hanging on one of the building's walls.

The clock was exactly like the one that was hanging in the courthouse the day I went to give my babies up. I felt a stab of pain as I remembered sitting under that clock watching the minute hand tick by and thinking that in less than an hour I would go inside a small room in the courthouse, and surrounded by strangers, I'd sign a piece of paper and my babies would be gone. I remember being so young and wishing, praying that someone, anyone, would come along and ask me to marry them and then I wouldn't have to give my children up.

Giving my children up....that's what it feels like I've done all these years....it feels like I just gave up. I feel "less than" other women. I feel like somehow I am defective because I could do that, part with my children and go on with my life. My heart is broken.

I am so sad.

Janey

[soprano]

Janey,

I wish I could take away your pain. Know at least that here there are many others who know exactly how you are feeling... and there is a certain strength in that. Try to keep in mind that while the pain never totally goes away, it ebbs and flows. You just had a painful reminder that brought that pain to the surface. BTW, I relinquished my daughter 30 years ago this year as well.

Hang in there, and know you are in my thoughts.



Soprano

[Janeytwo]

Dear Soprano,

Thank you. It has taken me nearly two years of constant self-nagging to get up the courage to talk to my own "people" so to speak. Honest to God, I can't stop crying and for some odd reason I feel the need to apologize for that. Thank you though for reaching out. I am really terrified.

Janey

[soprano]

Janey,

What are you terrified of? The fact that those "long-buried" feelings you aren't allowed to feel now seem out of your control? You never had a chance to grieve. So scream-rant-get angry! You deserve to let some of this go--just my opinion.

Soprano

[Boxerlady29]

I understand. Although it only took me 9 years I'm realizing what I gave up those years ago. Its strange the things that happen in our lives that trigger memories. (((HUGS)))

[JustPeachy]

Janey, I am sorry you are experiencing this terrible pain. You are definitely not alone here! It is scary for sure when those strong emotions rise to the surface after being buried for so long. All it takes is one thing, like that clock, and it's as though a floodgate has opened. It's awfully hard when those feelings come rushing through so fast and furious. I'm glad you found the strength to post here. We truly do understand what you are going through.

[hunny0404]

Janey,
Let the feelings out, let the tears come. The pain and the terror are normal. The guilt, shame, anger, loss, and grief are, too. I want to tell you that you have nothing to apologize for, but I don't want to presume to take away your right to feel whatever you are feeling. See if by talking/writing about your feelings you can begin to sort them out.

So many of us have lived our own version of what you are now living. Each of us is an individual, and no two experiences are identical. But there is a commonality of experience that seems to come with relinquishment. I, too, felt so much shame for "giving up" on my son, for not finding a way to keep him. In reunion now I've been able to let a lot of that go, but it takes time and work and love and forgiveness and those are places you can't just leap to. You have to first find the courage to give yourself the permission to feel whatever you feel. It can be terrifying after having denied yourself the right to feel all these years. But if you can, it might be your first step on the path to healing your broken heart. At least, I hope so.

As much as we want to, no one here can take away your pain, but at least here, you can be assured that there is someone who understands.

So let the tears come and keep talking about your feelings. You are processing a lifetime of sorrow. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to do this. And know that you are not alone....

Hugs,
Susanne

[Janeytwo]

Dear Hunny,

Thanks for the kind response. I will take your advice and keep posting. I appreciate everyone's words. I know it can't be easy to reach inside yourself and share.

Much gratitude to everyone,

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Dear Boxerlady,

I know. I would never had dreamed that a little industrial clock would send me here. I suppose I thought nothing would bring me to this point yet here I am. Thank you for sharing that it's taken you nine years to reach some kind of understanding. I will try to emulate that and not do this thing I do where I feel I have to graduate from the next problem in a day and a half so that I can tell myself that I've mastered that and that I don't have to feel weak and vunerable.

Wishing you a good day.

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

The clock was exactly like the one that was hanging in the courthouse the day I went to give my babies up. I felt a stab of pain as I remembered sitting under that clock watching the minute hand tick by and thinking that in less than an hour I would go inside a small room in the courthouse, and surrounded by strangers, I'd sign a piece of paper and my babies would be gone. I remember being so young and wishing, praying that someone, anyone, would come along and ask me to marry them and then I wouldn't have to give my children up.

I think this is a sign of health..
Remembering those places is a way into those memories.. and finding your grief..

I think that some of us get stuck in the first stage of grief.. the denial stage..
I was in that place for at least twenty years..

I ended up locked up in my home unable to go out.. I would go out and get groceries etc.. and I would go down town and speak with strangers but I cut off my friends.. and cut myself off from all of it..
I would not pretend any more..
Could not..

The second stage of grief.. is.. Anger..

Ha… How many of us can do that there anger thing..
I had a real hard time with it..

But then Kubler Ross said we do not do the stages in sequence.. some of us..
And who knows if she is correct..
But it’s a journey.. for me..
A journey to myself.. and my heart and my feelings and my ability to protect myself..

I knew when I was hidden away.. I could not protect myself.. I could not put up boundaries with people..
I hated myself too much..

I went for therapy.. and I worked at learning how to love myself.. and forgive myself..
Tall order..

So ‘welcome back to the war’.. That is a line in a song..
I can’t think of it.. now..


Jackie

From Wikipedia

The stages are:

Denial: "It can't be happening."
Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

[Janeytwo]

Jackie,

What you wrote about locking ourselves away....about a year ago my husband starting asking me why I was finding excuses to stay indoors....why I was pulling the shades down and keeping the house dark...keeping the sun out.

The sun...always one of my favorite blessings of this life....

This journey is so hard isn't it?

Janey

[hollyhunter]

Janey,
Just chimming in with the rest who know your pain too well. Never lose faith in the ability of the spirit to heal itself. Of course, accept help when it comes your way because its so hard to do all on your own. I know what you mean about thinking you have overcome something but really, you haven't. When you are really there, your spirit will know.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Hollyhunter,

Thank you. And you are right...I guess my soul has known all along that I have in turmoil.

So glad to have found this place.

Much happiness to you and yours,

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

What you wrote about locking ourselves away....about a year ago my husband starting asking me why I was finding excuses to stay indoors....why I was pulling the shades down and keeping the house dark...keeping the sun out.

Once (in my shut in the house time) I walked past an old friend and her husband.. I pretended I did not know them..
I could not enter into a conversation with those two people..

I was unable..

I had pretended for such a long time I could not pretend any more..
I could not put on a happy face..
And I did not like people..

I went on the computer.. on CompuServe.. and I learned how to type..
I used to quote from my books and learn how to type from them.. and I met people that helped me..
And…. big big..
I got on a plane and flew to Florida to meet my on line friends..
I was in charge of the Adult Children of Alcoholic forum.. and I loved sorting the ACA stuff.. I would quote John Bradshaw my hero.. over and over again..
But these on line friends got me out of the house.. Got me connecting real time with people..
I even did some paintings again and I sent them to one of the persons that helped me the most.. I smile now when I think of it..

Then I went to real time meetings.. Alanon.. and others..
And therapy with different therapists..

I think of these therapists as guides.. people that tell us the right path to follow.. and to help change our shut down thinking..
The therapist that helped me the most was a woman that said to me..
“Well if you said it it must be so.”

Ha..
What is that about..

This journey is so hard isn't it?

It is.. but I believe we need to sort the traumas of our past.. and you and I got some real hard traumas..
You on that bus will be in my thoughts..

I used to do a lot of inner child work.. and I can remember the first time my inner child came out..
She came out in MacDonald’s.. Wanted a hamburger.. LOL

I will post a painting I did of my inner child in my profile.. there is a picture there of me and hubby when I met bson.. I did not post the part of the picture of him in it because I do not have his permission.. and a picture of me in the sixties..

Jackie

[hollyhunter]

Jackie, That poor child looks so abandoned and confused. Just wanted to give her a hug and tell her its OK.