[WoofLess]

Hi all. Forgive me as I am new at this, and haven't sat down to share my feelings with ANYONE (save for my husband, who went through everything with me) since I placed my baby for adoption in Feb of 2007.

I have no idea how to start talking about this, so I'll just go with what comes out of my fingers.

This is excruciatingly difficult for me as I have many mixed feelings about what went on, and I worry that many of the experiences I had (and my feelings now, after the fact) are NOT normal. I sometimes worry if I'm messed up, abnormal or possibly in denial?

What little I've read online, and even here....it seems there are many birth mothers who endure a lot of pain, guilt, and a sense of loss after placing their babies. I experienced NONE of that.

What I did experience was a lot of shock, anger, despair & dread when I discovered I was pregnant. Much of my pregnancy was a very dark time in my life....I was probably in one of the worst mental states I have ever been in (there were other factors involved NOT related to the pregnancy). I ranged from depressed, to self-destructive, to downright suicidal. I've got no history of mental issues & have generally been a pretty resilient & happy person other than those 9 months.

I guess I should point out that I have never wanted to have kids. Never. Not even as a little girl- I did not play with dolls, never played house, when the teachers asked us to draw pictures of ourselves "all grown up" I drew myself with a big house and a bunch of dogs!

I have never been fond of kids. Other people (especially those who don't know me well) have always been fond of saying "you'll change your mind" or "It'll be different when it's your OWN kid". Yet I've stayed firm on my position my whole life....and I have to say, nothing changed when I gave birth to & held my own baby, except to further convince me that motherhood is NOT a job I am equipped for.

My pregnancy came during a very difficult time in my & my husband's life. He and I are alike in our goals, ambitions and our desire NOT to have children. I was fearful at first that he would be angry and reject me when I got pregnant but looking back, I cannot believe how irrational that fear was. He was more than wonderful throughout the whole ordeal.

Abortion had been discussed as an option, but due to the fact that I was 5 months along before I actually took a pregnancy test (I had NO symptoms beyond my missed period, which was NOT something unusual for me, I have never had a regular cycle and once skipped my period for 11 months)....abortion was not an option mainly due to the cost factor. It wasn't until I was 7 or 8 months along that I *could* have afforded it, and by then there were no laws in the US that would have permitted it.

I was 8 months pregnant when I called an adoption agency. I'd had NO pre-natal care & now that I had the financial support of the agency, I couldn't find a doctor who would examine a pregnant woman 8 months along with no prior history of care.

Contacting the agency was a big relief however...they were wonderful & supportive and my husband and I did take a lot of pleasure in selecting a family. For the first time in 8 months, I actually had positive feelings about my pregnancy and the plan we were making for this baby. Until that point, my baby was just "this darn thing in my belly that's making me miserable". Selecting a family for the baby made me realize it was NOT the baby's fault he was concieved by the last people on earth who were capable of raising him.....and he DESERVED the best possible family & life I could possibly give him. For the first time I felt GOOD about the future.

Since I'd had no pre-natal, we had no clue when my due date was....but a "best guess" put me around Feb 10. Early in the morning on Feb 10, my water broke....and I had a relatively normal, uneventful delivery (that's what THEY say....it was horrific for ME!) My baby boy was nearly 10 lbs and he ripped me open from one end to the other...but he was healthy.

My whole life everyone had told me "You may not like kids, but when you hold your own little baby in your arms for the first time, everything changes".

To be fair, I wanted to take the opportunity to do just this....just to make SURE I wasn't going to look into his face and suddenly change my mind. The state law gave me a mandatory 48 hours before I was allowed to sign any adoption papers, so I took advantage of it and spent as much time feeding & holding my baby as I could manage.

Every time I held him & thought about changing my mind & keeping him, I felt sadness and despair. Not for me, but for him. I did have a feeling of wanting to nurture & protect this little baby, but I also felt empty & inadequate, as if I KNEW to the depths of my soul that I was unable to do the job myself. By keeping him I felt like I'd be doing him a grave disservice. Every time I thought of his potential life with the family we'd chosen, I felt positive & happy about his life and his future.

There was never any question in my mind about my decision. I worried my husband would have second thoughts- but he remained supportive & to this day says he has no regrets either. 48 hours later I signed the papers, was discharged from the hospital. My husband and I continued on with our lives. No regrets. No guilt. Just a feeling of RELIEF and the feeling that we'd truly made the right choice.

We've gotten pictures & updates on "Charlie" periodically, and he's doing well. I haven't communicated with his adoptive parents because I really don't know what to say or where to start.

*whew*.....Sorry this has been so long....this is just the first time I've happened across a forum like this & I really need to hear from people who have been through this as well. Am I totally screwed up for having no maternal emotions? Anyone else experience anything like I did? Let me have it! (well, be nice please

Thanks in advance!

[carlam]

I just wanted to say that I never have been in your position. I don't think there are any written rules on how people should be though. I am glad you are happy with your adoption plan though. Everyone is different on how they feel, and your feelings are exactly that.. YOUR FEELINGS. You're not less of a person for not feeling like "everyone else", you are your own person with your own ambitions, goals and dreams. I am just happy you were able to place your child with a family that would nurture and care for your child the way you didn't feel you were able. Some people don't think children fit into their lives, some people long to have children fit into their lives. As for letting you have it.. not in this lifetime girl.. you did what you and your husband felt was right and that's what ultimately matters!

[austin0i]

I would say "good for you" (and better for your child) for being honest about how you feel.

I have seen many times where people have children because they think it is the "thing to do" and they are horrible parents. The child suffers.

Luckily, you are honest with yourself and placed your child in a loving home, to get what he deserves.

Kim

[Jackiejdajda]

WoofLess

This is excruciatingly difficult for me as I have many mixed feelings about what went on, and I worry that many of the experiences I had (and my feelings now, after the fact) are NOT normal. I sometimes worry if I'm messed up, abnormal or possibly in denial?

I honor and respect your decision..
If a woman does not want to parent then that woman or man has an absolute right to relinquish the child to someone that wants to parent..

I do not think anyone has a right to put their ‘dogma’ on another person.. for and or about the decisions that person has made.. I know there are places on the net where your reality would be stripped away and you would be told that you are in denial or something worse..
Its wrong when that happens.. as wrong as it gets..

A child’s mind is so darn important to me.. those early years are prime in the sorting of the rest of their lives.. a child thrives in a nurturing environment..

I gave my son up in 1965.. and I did not even go into the thinking of keeping him.. It was not possible that is the bottom line.. I lived with that for a long time.. even tho I did the unhealthy thing of blocking my emotions.. but when I met him I went into a tailspin and tried to become a victim.. a “it was done to me” victim..
I gave my son up so he could have a better life then the one I could provide for him.. and that is the bottom line fact..

These emotions come and go and I believe we can navigate the waters.. knowing the child is okay… Don’t deny your emotions they are normal.. tell yourself when the dark days come that they will pass and you are doing the best you can.. etc etc..

Welcome to the forums and I am glad you are here.. Your voice is very important..

A woman’s right to give her child up for adoption is a very important woman’s right. Just as the womans right to keep her child is important..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

Not every woman longs for children or has an innate desire to be a mother. I never really did either, and like you, didn't play with dolls as a girl or other typically "girly" games like playing house, dress-up, etc. I found babysitting boring, though I did like to get paid! When I was pregnant I thought it would be easy to just have the baby and place him for adoption. In my case, much to my surprise, I DID bond strongly with my child, but I still followed through with my adoption plan because I simply was not ready to be a parent. It was very difficult for me, moreso than I ever could have imagined, however, I have not had other children since and never really felt a burning desire to have more kids. I didn't have the terrible guilt that a lot of bmoms struggle with, but I have had a bit of it, and also missing him very much, and I did grieve the loss, which was especially hard the first year, but for the most part, I was alright with my decision and didn't have any regrets other than really regretting my circumstances. Strangely, for me, it got more difficult as he got older, and now that he's an adult. I think it's because I don't care much for kids, like you, but relate more to teens and young adults. Things can and do get emotional for me, but I don't feel the "hole in my heart" that I've heard a lot of bmoms speak of. If I could turn back time and make the decision again, even knowing what I know now, I believe I would still place my child. I simply wasn't ready to parent and wanted things for him that I could not provide. I was fortunate, however, that it was solely my decision and did not feel pressured from family, bdad, friends, agency, etc.

I would try not to compare myself to other bmoms. If you are content with your decision that is great! I don't think you are surpressing or denying your feelings so I would say enjoy the fact that you are as well-adjusted and OK with this as you.

[EZ2Luv]

I applaud you for being true to yourself. Nothing wrong with that at all

EZ

[Janeytwo]

Dear "Woof",

I am extremely new here...just joined. Even though my search for truth is going in another direction, I just wanted to say I appreciate how tremendously difficult it must be to open one's self up this way.

It strikes me too as I read your post that it seems harsh self-judgement surrounds we "birthmoms" (as they seem to want to call us - I just call myself Janey). It surrounds us no matter how informed and straightforward our choice was.

For it what may be worth to you, I respect what you've said here. It is never easy to be honest when what you relay may not sit well with the status quo.

Wishing you peace.

Janeytwo