[paigeturner]

DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old daughter, "Nola," is pregnant. My husband and I are, to say the least, very disappointed in her. We do not believe in abortion, so we're going to have Nola home-schooled until the baby is born, and then it will be given up for adoption.

What I need is advice on how to deal with this with our 10-year-old daughter. There is no way the pregnancy can be hidden from her, especially since the girls share a room. Our youngest daughter knows the basic facts of life, but does not fully understand that girls who are not married sometimes get pregnant and have babies.

I obviously do not want the same thing to happen to her, so I want her to understand that this is very wrong, but want to do so without demonizing her sister, whom she loves and looks up to. -- WORRIED OUT WEST

DEAR WORRIED: Your younger daughter will learn a great deal as Nola's pregnancy progresses. She will see your disappointment, hear your disapproval of sex outside of marriage -- not to mention how irresponsible Nola and the father of the baby were for not using birth control -- and witness firsthand the pain Nola experiences at placing her child with another family. And if that's not a sobering object lesson, nothing will be.

So worry less, and spend more time letting both of your daughters know you love them unconditionally.

_______________________________________________

I know we don't get enough information from a short advice column, but I'm just feeling coercion, coercion, coercion. This seems like shades of decades past with the hiding of the pregnancy. And, I suppose Abby answered the mother’s question…but she didn’t address the important parts of making sure that adoption is what her daughter wants.

What do you all think?

[RavenSong]

Oh, cripes...this sounds like a scenario right out of the 1960's. Teach the no-good daughter a lesson ~ punish her by forcing her to give the baby up for adoption. That'll teach her, alright.

And home-school her until the baby is born??? Aren't they aware that school districts were forced to change their policies on pregnant students back in the 1970's? You can actually attend high school nowadays if you're pregnant! Sounds to me like they want her "unseen" in her current "condition".

Sheesh......

[paigeturner]

the "unseen" part was what got to me too, Raven. It hits a little close to home KWIM? Let's hide her out at home so no one finds out our child isn't perfect...it might reflect on us. Poor kid. Makes me feel very troubled.

[RavenSong]

Paige, this situation just has stirred up all sorts of terrible memories for me. I was living in a foster home when I got pregnant. My mother wouldn't let me come home until I agreed to relinquish my baby. Well, my foster home had no heat, very little food (I panhandled down at the beach every day to ensure I had the proper nutrition), and my foster mother was a drunk who passed out every night by 8pm. Well, I don't know if you've ever lived down by the ocean during winter with no heat, but the dampness goes right down to your bones. They used to leave all the burners on the gas stove going all day and night. My bedroom was right off the kitchen, so those lovely fumes really got to me. When I was about 6 or 7 months along, I told my mom I had decided to give up the baby, and she let me move back home. My mom and I barely got along, but her home was always spotless, clean, warm, organized, and she wasn't a drunk.

Well, I moved back home, only to find out that I had to hide in my bedroom whenever neighbors or her friends came over. It was demoralizing, to say the least. We flew to New Mexico to visit my uncle, a scientist in Los Alamos, and she made me wear this really huge coat on the plane. She made it clear that I was an embarassment to her, and she didn't want the flight attendant thinking negatively of her.

Oh, and 19 years later when she met my son, she told him that she had never pressured me to surrender him to adoption...that it had all been my very own idea. I did notice that she didn't tell him how she referred to him as "the little bastard" the entire time I carried him. It's funny how time can change some peoples' memories...

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Raven~
I think you need to write a book. At the very least, send in a letter to Dear Abby telling her your concerns with her lack of response to the previous post of WORRIED.

Kim

[thanksgivingmom]

ugh, what a horrible response for Dear Abby to have!!! I am so disappointed in this "advice."

I think she needs a little lesson in all of this....

[lahdh4]

One of worst responses I have read from her.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

Raven~
I think you need to write a book. At the very least, send in a letter to Dear Abby telling her your concerns with her lack of response to the previous post of WORRIED.

Kim

Kim, I think we ALL should write Dear Abby and educate her on how adoption has changed in the last 40 years. Wouldn't that be cool if both amoms and bmoms spoke up in unison?!!

I've seriously thought of writing a book throughout the years. I'm an editor by profession, so I do know some in's and out's of the trade. I've always been kind of hesitant to do it, however, because I hate upsetting anybody in my family. I'd have to write it under a pseudonym, I guess, to avoid my mother suing me for slander.

A lot of people, including adoption caseworkers, have asked me to write a book about my experiences with my son. But I haven't been able to wrap my head around that one... I feel like I would be invading his privacy in doing so. Which is kind of sad because there are no books that give any type of advice for bmoms in reuniting with young adoptees who have serious psychiatric and/or behavioral problems, including drug addiction. But I still think about it from time to time. I would only write a book on this topic if my son was 100-percent okay with it.

So until the books come out, ladies, we should bombard Dear Abby with some eye-opening letters! What do you all think??

[paigeturner]

Raven,

You could always fictionalize your story. That way, the story is told, but your son and mother are protected. I'd love to read it!

I'm up for sending a letter to Abby. Her "advice" is really bothering me. I was sent away when I told my parents I was pregnant. I was a dirtly, little secret to them. My Mother was humiliated. It was the most lonely time of my life. But, I think it would have been worse to be held hostage in their home, hidden away in a house full of anger and secrets.

[RavenSong]

Paige, that must have been so hard for you. Did you have to go to a maternity home? One of my friends who became pregnant at the same time I did had to go to the Salvation Army Door of Hope in San Diego. I felt so bad for her at first, but she actually preferred it to living at home, where she would have had to put up with her parents' disapproval and disappointment on a daily basis.

It was lonely living at home, cast off in my bedroom. But I had my guitar and my books. LOL, I was the kind of kid who loved being sent to my bedroom when I was in trouble, so I could curl up on my bed and read all day. And I got really, really good at the guitar when I was pregnant...a lot of time to practice! But it still was lonely, and I remember wishing that I could just talk to my mom about my feelings. But I don't think she wanted to hear them. I don't think I ever told one human being how I was feeling during my entire pregnancy...and nobody ever asked. I remember when I signed the relinquishment papers wishing that my son's new parents would adopt me too. At the time, I thought he was the lucky one. I don't feel that way now, but I did back then.

Do you think Dear Abby would really read our letters if we sent her our views on adoption? I at least want her to know that she's perpetuating a very old societal stigma about unwed motherhood. And she really needs to be told that adoption should never be used as a punishment or "sobering object lesson", as she puts it. I don't understand why she didn't even bother to ask if relinquishment is what this teenager really wants.

[paigeturner]

I wasn't sent to a maternity home. I'm not sure those existed much in 1982. I was sent 3 states away to a "foster" home thru my parent's church. I was 18 and it felt silly. But I went. No one ever asked me if I wanted to parent. I'm not sure I was "coerced", I just wasn't shown any other options. And, I wanted so badly to be back in my mother's good graces that I would have done whatever she wanted at that point. To hear of a 16-year-old going thru this in this day and age breaks my heart.

I'm not sure if Abby would read our letters. I'm not a regular reader, but just ran into her column today. I was pretty shocked. I think I'll sleep on what to say tonight and draft something up in the morning!

[lonni]

There are still Maternity Homes NOW!!!!!!! There was still one in Lexington KY. in 1988 and as far as I know it is still there. There was one in Jackson MI. until a couple of weeks ago.
I know a woman who refused to allow her 16 year old dd any pain meds or pain intervention, attempting (her words) to "teach" her a lesson. The Mom had never been pregnant or given birth (dd was adopted as infant)and I was able to influence her to change her mind. I am not sure if the hospital would have even allowed the Mom to make that decision?
She was my babysitter actually. This child became Grandma's Joy and gave her the strength to battle cancer.
Paige-I think no option would be "mental force" although not physical force.

[Jackiejdajda]

That mother is not helping her daughter.. she is controlling her (as has been said).. and she is also controlling the ten year old.. by example..

“Don’t do this because if you do bad will happen”.. “and look out for that bad because its really bad”..
A baby.. a special wonderful baby..

I read the posts written by the ones married or related to the ones reuniting and I see their pain as well.. and it all comes from this woman (man collective souls/some of them) hiding her head in the sand and saying.. no way.. no way am I going to think outside of the box..
Hide her and get rid..

I wonder if the mother or the daughter will show up here..

Jackie

[JustPeachy]

I'm wondering how a ten year old can not fully understand that girls who are not married sometimes have babies. Do they keep this girl locked in her room with no access to any sort of outside world/media?

Another thing I fully don't understand, is, even if a person's religious beliefs do not condone birth control, given that teens can be so impulsive and not always consider all the consequences, wouldn't it be better to have them use it as a precaution rather than be faced with an unexpected pregnancy and then forced to go through the trauma of having a child and giving it up? Especially if an unintended pregnancy is so disgraceful, shameful and horrible as these parents say it is and abortion is not an option?

I can understand if the parents don't want to or cannot take on the responsibility of their grandchild. I can even understand if they feel the best thing for their daughter/grandchild would be adoption. What I don't understand is how they can deny their daughter any voice or input whatsoever, how they assume their beliefs are her beliefs, how they want to shame her, hide her away and are so concerned about "damaging" their younger daughter. In fact, their whole attitude towards their older daughter is far more damaging than anything!

Given they are so controlling, I doubt this girl will be able to stand up to them at all. And to be forced to have a child and give it up as punishment is something I will never understand. I think if they would take the time to talk to their daughter, listen to her concerns, evaluate what they are all willing and able to do, and treat her with respect, even if she ended up relinquishing, the trauma would not nearly be as bad. Adoption can be a very good thing for all involved (it was in my case), but I was not treated as this girl is. It's when all this shame and secrecy are put behind it and the girl is being punished that turns it into the worst nightmare.

[lonni]

Just in case it is not clear, this was a "pregnant" 16 year old I referred to in my earlier post about no pain intervention. It is too late to edit and some times my posts are written so that most of the facts remain in my "head only" and not in the post-lol.