[Janeytwo]

Hi,

Telling my mom that this is the day I have to go to court to give up my babies. I have no car. I need a ride. But what I really need is someone to go with me because I am so desperately....God...there isn't even a word for it.

Mom saying call Semta, get the bus schedule and then take the bus. Mom turning away to do dishes. Me digging around for the bus money.

Standing alone on Gratiot looking down to 8 Mile the dividing line between rich and poor. I am poor. Sitting on the bus...does the old black man across from me know my secret? What I am about to do? The bus stinks of motor oil. Riding past the mall...seeing a mom holding her child's hand going into the mall. She is a have of the most blessed kind. Soon I will be a have-not. Sign posts and street names flashing by...traffic lights...sitting on the bus. One more hour to be a mom...one more hour. What would happen if I ran from the bus?

But no, I don't.

Sitting beneath that **** clock watching the minutes tick by......... No one with me...just a court appointed someone or other to guard my rights...but she's not sitting with me...she's in that room through that door. I am alone. Then an angel appearing...the lady from the adoption service. She sits with me a while.

Alone, taking the bus back after. But I don't remember that. I don't remember a single thing about that.

Forgive me for writing. I just can't help it.

And for making wounded people in here bear witness to this, I swear to God insanity, that I am dumping out of my soul. God, I am so sorry for that and I promise....When I am on the other side of whatever this is...I will buy a little white industrial clock with a steel rim and hang it on my wall!! That is what I will do!!! And I will have it engraved on the bottom with this: It's not a clock. It's a lifetime.

Janey

[timni]

Hugs..... my heart is breaking for you....I hope you can find some peace.

[bromanchik]

It sounds lke you are flashing back. This can happen with traumatic events. Have you considered counseling?

BTW, I live in Royal Oak.

[Janeytwo]

Thank you Timni,

It is amazing how much people here have reached out. All I expected was judgement....Trust is so hard....

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Dear Bromanchik,

Yes. I do need help from counseling. I am sure of that.

I am not sure I want to go back to CSS.

Is there a clearinghouse number I can call to get info? Understand if you need to post that number privately.

I have learned that there are tri-ad meetings in the area but I know that I am not nearly ready for that. Is there meetings just for women like me?

Thank you for responding.

Wishing you peace,

Janey

[kdecrow]

Hi Janey...

30 years for me also. It hurts like nothing else, but knowing there are others out there that have gone and are going through the same thing helps. There is a sisterhood and we are there for you.
If you think you needs some psychological help, go for it! I did....

God bless and keep you,

Kim

[JustPeachy]

I have learned that there are tri-ad meetings in the area but I know that I am not nearly ready for that. Is there meetings just for women like me?

Janey, when you ask if there are meetings for women like you, do you mean specifically other birthmoms? If so, yes, there are some meetings that are just for other birthmothers, without other triad members present. It just depends on what is available in your area.

You may feel more comfortable at this point with individual counseling, if you are ready for that. I know it is hard to trust, but a good counselor will never judge you. It has helped me tremendously.

[hollyhunter]

Janey
You are right to steer clear of adoption agency counselors for the most part. In my experience, they are not there for first moms once those papers have been signed. While I was pregnant, I refused counseling. Just didn't want to hear anything that might make me mindful of the situation(know what I mean?). Actually, the lady from CSS who dealt with me was a nice lady and didn't try to counsel me at all. She was a social worker who was just there for me. She brought me and my young son some groceries because there was no food in the house at the time. That meant a lot to me just knowing someone cared.I've tried counseling a few times when emotions began to surface but never really found a good match. Coming here helped a good bit but mostly I rely on my faith in God.

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

Standing alone on Gratiot looking down to 8 Mile the dividing line between rich and poor. I am poor. Sitting on the bus...does the old black man across from me know my secret? What I am about to do? The bus stinks of motor oil. Riding past the mall...seeing a mom holding her child's hand going into the mall. She is a have of the most blessed kind. Soon I will be a have-not. Sign posts and street names flashing by...traffic lights...sitting on the bus. One more hour to be a mom...one more hour. What would happen if I ran from the bus?

But no, I don't.

How strong and brave you are..

In the inner child work.. (aka self help.. and I agree therapy right now is a good thing) a person goes back and hugs/loves that girl on the bus..

And your mom was wrong to not go with you.. (In my thinking)
Lesson learned was a wrong lesson.. and I bet she wanted you to go alone because she thought you would never do it again.. and what she was really doing was helping the traumatizing along..

Sitting beneath that **** clock watching the minutes tick by......... No one with me...just a court appointed someone or other to guard my rights...but she's not sitting with me...she's in that room through that door. I am alone. Then an angel appearing...the lady from the adoption service. She sits with me a while.

Alone, taking the bus back after. But I don't remember that. I don't remember a single thing about that.

I remember the worker person from CC picking me up in her car.. I remember standing in front of the judge..
Him questioning me.. and me being so good to give him the correct answers..
What a good girl I was..

At the cost of myself..

Forgive me for writing. I just can't help it.

Keep going dear heart.. tell the world.. Its what helped me..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Dear Kdecrow (Kim),

Thank you for your kindness. I hope you received my private response as well.

May the Buddha light your path as your travel.

Much gratitute,

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Dear JustPeachy,

Thanks for writing and yes, I did mean groups only for women who've given children up. (Forgive me. I am having a hard time for some reason referring to myself as a birthmom. Think it's a distance-from-pain issue. Not sure though.)

Anyway, I am contacting some service agencies this week. But that cold shut-off part of myself is already writing a list of what kind of therapist I will and will not accept. Which scares me because it's like I'm shopping for a dentist or something. This is not good. Scared I guess.

Wishing you a sunny day! :-)

Janey

[Janeytwo]

[quote=hollyhunter]Janey
While I was pregnant, I refused counseling. Just didn't want to hear anything that might make me mindful of the situation(know what I mean?).

>>>I do know exactly what you mean. Condescending people....that pat on the back while they're taking our babies to the foster parents. It's like it's a business transaction...like some corporate deal. I'm sure I'm not saying that right because, like you, I found the social worker at CSS to be quite lovely. But the system itself...so impersonal. A handshake and a "good luck", like you're trading in a car instead of parting with the light of your life.<<<<<

Thank you for your compassion Holly and for your courage in extending it.

Janey