[chunkmomma1]

I have started playing the lottery everyweek for the last three months. Just knowing I am going to win it big time, and I havent hit it yet. But this Saturday I got up and came down to check the winning numbers, and I had 2 e-mails from Courtney through myspace. One of them said to ask to be a friend and she would except cause she wanted to make her page private, and she wanted me to be able to look at her pictures anytime I wish. It made me feel so tinglely, then the second e-mail
saying she was not upset for me contacting and then she went on to explain that she is having some personal problems and she is trying to get a job so would I mind if we did not talk for a few months and then she ended the e-mail with thank you for finding me.
Now my reply was done all at one time.
I told her that I was really happy and I understood about having too many things going on at a time and that I would wait as long as she needed. I gave her all my contact information so that way she has it.
and I thanked her for wanting to share her pictures and the request was sent.
Oh my I did not even care about that lottery anymore I felt like that was all I needed. My heart was full of joy and nothing was going to ruin my day I knew I won the lottery it may not be money but that does not matter, the feeling is so overwhelming.
Then last night I come down stairs and there it was on my computer an e-mail for the amom.
I wanted to pull her through the email and just tell what I really thought. But I showed my husband the e-mail and he told me to be nice and do not say anything that she can use against me with Courtney.So I was very careful in what I said to her, even though she was not so nice. But I did end my email with the a mom telling her how beautiful and what a good job she has done
I figure that would end it with something nice.
Now I am hoping that the amom does not keep emailing me. with her opinions I am not meaning to sound rude but I have delt with her in the begining and she is a very controlling person.
I had to go back and read Courney's e-mail to make myself feel better. So now I have figured out that now I do not have the desire to to talk to the amom and I will wait on Courtney.
Am I wrong??

[quantum]

Hiya Chunkmomma,

I'm so glad that you have been able to open a positive dialog with Courtney!

I don't think you are wrong not really wanting to have contact with her a-mom right now. I guess the place where I personally would tread lightly! is that you do not want to come between them.

If it were me, I guess I would consider writing back to the amom and saying that this whole thing is a bit emotionally overwhelming for you (true, right?) and that you'll be back in touch with her when you're ready(may be never, but she doesn't need to know that).

Maybe others will have better advice, but there is my 2 cents!

[soprano]

CM-

First of all, I am thrilled for your contact with Courtney! She sounds like a really "together" young woman, not blocking your access but asking for time (for alot of reasons, I'm sure). I know that euphoria of first contact... you don't quite believe it's real because you've dreamed of it for so long.

Secondly, congratulations on the way you responded to the amom... you definitely took the high road with her, thinking of the long term with your daughter.

Finally, I've held back responding to the last thread you posted because there were such strong opinions posted there--it seemed to take on a life of its own, didn't it? As another bmom, it's really hard to look at right or wrong when we've waited so long. FWIW, I feel you got the absolute best result from this. If the amom continues to contact you, just answer as briefly as possible that you're in contact with C now and would like to wait to communicate directly with her.

All the best!

Soprano

[dpen6]

Wow, thats awesome that courtney had the ability to say waht she needed. Good going courtney! she is telling you she needs space. She needs to figure out alot of things.

As far as the amom, I like what quatum said.

Yes, this whole thing can be very emotional for all invovled. Coming from an adoptee.

[RavenSong]

Chunkmomma, it sounds like Courtney is quite a mature young lady who has a good head on her shoulders. I like the fact that she was able to tell you what she is comfortable with and that she needs a few months to process everything while she's looking for a new job.

As far as her amom, I think you handled her email graciously. If she continues writing you, just keep things positive in your replies. I know how very difficult that can be, but you need to always remember that being civil to amom is best for Courtney in the long run. I can't begin to count the number of times I've had to hold my tongue and be civil over the years. The frustration was worth it in the end, however. Just keep a bottle of Rolaids handy, lol!

I am so pleased for you!

[rainmon]

Chunkmomma, it sure was great to hear Courtney answered you!!! and let you know she needs a bit more time and also let you know that she was happy you have contacted her and that it did not upset her. that was really very nice.
I'm wondering now, if the a-mom is as controlling as you say......maybe she told Courtney that while she lived under her roof she would have to abide by her rules, which maybe meant no contact with you. so Courtney may feel she needs to get the job in order to be on her own so she can get to know you.
I think when Courtney said she had some personal problems....that may have been it.
But it's strange if that is true, that the a-mom does not realize that she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. why can't she think ahead enough to know how different things could be if she would only put her fear and jealousy aside and just open her heart to this... she may just end up putting Courtney in such a corner that once she finally gets out....too much damage may be done to keep the respect she seems to be demanding. I just don't undersand why the a-mom can't see this. how this is only going to hurt their relationship in the long run if she continues trying to control everyone like this.

[rainmon]

I would be very careful about answering any more letters from a-mom...at this point you owe her nothing more, you were so very nice to her, and she has been so rude to you and especially now...if she is angry and maybe out to get you....you may say something innocent, and she could take it the wrong way and cry to Courtney how you hurt her so.
I would not play her games anymore.
she may just be trying to keep tabs on you now,
just more control tactics.
I would not trust her....I just have a bad feeling about that one.

[chunkmomma1]

My husband said for me not to answer anymore e-mails from the mom either, even if they come over seeming nice. Cause of the way she handled things in the begining, and the one she sent sunday. He said something about an old saying beware of something bringing flowers. I dont remember whats bringing the flowers but it wasnt nice.
I am not the type of person to just ignore an e-mail I feel like its rude and what happens if there is something rather important, but with this mom I am going to have to block her.
I do understand her being mad but being childish and not thinking on how to work this out and not even taking in the thought that Courtney has told me to wait a few months.
While Courtney is working on getting a job the mom and I could be working on how we are going to handle all of this. But no. She would rather be mean and I think it is Courtney who is going to be hurt in the long run. I dont want that to happen. So I feel I am better off just ignoring the mom and just be there for Courtney when she is ready.
Is this wrong for feeling this way.
or should I give the mom another chance??
They always say the third time is a charm!!

[JustPeachy]

I'm in a semi-open situation and have always communicated through the aparents, however, now that my son is grown, it has been stressed to me that all communication should go through my son. This way, he can decide if he wants to share that info with his parents and he has a say in everything and knows what is going on, not that his parents and I are conducting a relationship behind his back and he knows nothing about it. If I were in your shoes, I would try to have a similar arrangement. Maybe tell the amom that you want the primary relationship and communication to be with Courtney and if amom wants to send you emails, Courtney should be aware of this and OK with the communication. You would, of course, need to hear this directly through Courtney, as the amom can say she talked to her and got her OK, when in fact she may not have. Maybe you can respond to amom and say you've gotten in touch with C, and since she is needing some space right now, you feel it would be best if you and amom not communicate w/o C's knowledge.

[rainmon]

if it was me ...I would not tell her another thing....
don't give her any fuel.....
Hey were'nt you just about to leave on your trip to visit with your Friends from Arizona ??? LOL !!!!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Chunkmomma~
Your daughter sounds so sweet and thoughtful......despite her role model growing up. HeeHee

You are in reunion with Courtney, not Courtney's amom so your only focus has to be on Courtney......which is where the amom needs to place her focus as well.

Good Luck! I always love reading your posts because you are always so diplomatic and thoughtful.....traits that Courtney obviously got from you!

Kim

[belleinblue1978]

Chunk,

Your reunion is between you and Courtney. You are Courtney's firstmom not their firstmom. You don't owe her adoptive mom anything. She had the honor of raising her, and even though I would imagine it is hard and her adoptive mom is scared, she needs to let Courtney go.

You rock, I wish my firstmom would care as much as you!

[Nicole28]

I'm glad to hear that the communication with Courtney is going well. She seems like a mature young woman.

However...

You don't owe her adoptive mom anything.

belle, what about respect for Courtney's mother? Any bio-mother certainly owes their relinquished child's parent that much. I think CM did a good thing by carefully wording her reply to Courtney's mother so as to not stir the pot, so to speak, but the name of the game in ANY reunion is respect for everyone involved. Like it or not, Courtney's family is involved - especially if Courtney still lives at home, you know?

I think it's encouraging, though, that Courtney feels comfortable enough to tell CM what she needs as far as time goes - - that seems like a good foundation to build a relationship on later, when she is ready.