[chunkmomma1]

well if you have kept up with my story Courtney has been found
yea!!!

I found her on myspace.com
i have not said anything to her cause i am scared she will not want anything to do with me.
So I have my dearest friend email her and tonight she answered.
I got so nervous but she is talking to this person with out any problems.
My friend has not said anything about me.so how does my friend not knowing her get details about her and other things.
i had my friend erase me as a friend so that way it does not look funny
oh my i just want to tell her i found her, she is not going to college this year. so what kind of damage can this do to her?

oh any ideas would be good
help me

[RavenSong]

Chunkmomma, I'm afraid you're going to have to just bite the bullet and contact Courtney yourself. I'm just afraid that having your best friend email Courtney thru MySpace without disclosing who she really is may backfire on you. I think I'd be pretty angry or feel betrayed if I was in Courtney's shoes and found out that one of my "friends" was actually working on behalf of my bmom to get information about me. I might be wrong about his...maybe some adoptees will chime in here soon with their thoughts on it.

If I were you, I think I'd bite the bullet, and go ahead and contact her thru MySpace.

[rainmon]

I'm not an adoptee, but I agree with Ravensong, your friend has to introduce you somehow or this may all backfire...she has to be able to trust you....and this could goof that part of it up. "the trust' that is so important to your relationship,
Is there a way your freind can ease into the fact that "her friend" would really like to talk with you too but is a bit afraid and has asked her to open the door for her? and that it is someone who has been wanting to meet her for a really long time and has just found her on My Space and would like to connect with her. and would it be alright for her to write?

[quantum]

I guess part of my feeling would be what do you really have to lose at this point?
In the worst case scenario, Courtney doesn't want to have contact wtih you right now but she would find out that you do! So it would leave the door open for when she is ready to contact you.

Of course, I'm hoping she wants to have contact and that you guys have a fantastic reunion. :-)

[Nicole28]

I would tell you to contact her yourself - otherwise it seems like you're not quite sure whether or not you want contact. Is she 18?

As far as potential "damage" that contact would cause, I think damage is the wrong word. It will rock her world, of course, so your message to her needs to be very sensitive and well thought out...tell her that you are very thankful that you have found her and that, if and when she is ready, that you would like to be in contact with her.

I'm an adoptee, and I know I'd feel better if I knew that the contact would be on my own terms.

[shadow riderer]

I'm an adoptee and I agree with the others. Contact her yourself with a well thought out message of introduction. I don't recall if her Amom actually told her you were trying to contact her or maybe just said she told her, but you should find out for yourself from her.

JMO, contacting her yourself shows courage and maturity. Going through a friend is a bit sneaky and may undermine any trust you will want to build. I know it's frightening. I called my Bdad out of the blue oneday, not even knowing if he really knew I existed. He didn't exactly. How do you gently tell someone you are their long lost relative, who has been searching for them for a long time, and not rock their world?

I think you just have to do your best, be honest with your feelings, and take it slow from the beginning. Maybe just start with a brief introduction and ask for contact? It's just so hard to "know" what is the "right" thing to do. Be sure to prepare yourself, as much as possible, for a response either good or bad before hand. Good luck.

[JustPeachy]

Chunk, I know it is scary, but having your friend "pose" as a myspace friend to get info to you about your daughter could come off to Courtney as very sneaky and secretive. There is so much about adoption that is already shrouded in "secret keeping" and that is just not healthy in the long run, IMO.

I think if you wish to contact her, you should do so directly, or perhaps through an intermediary or the agency you placed with (assuming you used an agency). At this point in time, I don't have direct contact with my child, even though I could (I have identifying info). We are still going through an intermediary. That may be an option for you, too, but I would play with open cards no matter how you go about making contact.

You could decide to come clean about your friend opening the door, or just have your friend not communicate with Courtney any more (I'm curious how she got Courtney to "friend" her in the first place).

I can totally understand your position, though. You want more info about your daughter. But ultimately, will that satisfy you?? I think in the end, you will still desire to contact her anyway, no matter how much info you find out about her on myspace.

[Oceans]

CM: I agree with the others. This will backfire if it goes much further. Have your friend "ease out" of the situation then wait a bit to contact her yourself or have your friend come clean and act as an intermediary.

Given that amom will not be happy about this, you have enough challenges ahead without coming off as sneaky (even tho I know you're not trying to be).

((( Hugs my friend )))

[chunkmomma1]

okay my best friend is my husband,
i am the one actually emailing her but i am just signing his name.
i just remembered when i was 18 i enjoyed talking to guys more than females i found it to be easier.

but i am so scared to introduce myself cause i know she will talk to her mother and them her mom will be made at me.
i guess i will just log on to myself and let it all out.
if nothing else comes out of this i will have a least seen what she looks like.
oh my goodness, i know how i feel i wonder how is going to feel???

[shadow riderer]

Good luck. Above all be honest with her, but you don't have to tell all right off, not that you were planning that. I don't want to give you advice because this is for you to decide what you need to do. Some things for thought: She is 18, so this is really between you and she. You don't know for sure she will tell her Amom anything, or how much her Amom has really told her. I'm not sure I would even mention her Amom. Just let her know who you are, that you care, and would like to get to know her, if that is something she is interested in. Let her take it from there.

If she tells her Amom that will be between the two of them. If she isn't interested, you will know. You will know it came from her either way, and you can then leave the door open for the future, and go from there. You will have done all you can to let her know you are there, and you will know she knows. If, and I hope and pray, she wants contact, then you will know her Amom did not tell her the truth. That will be their problem to work out, and I would encourage you to let the two of them work it out with out getting involved. It will be frightening and emotional and very difficult know matter what happens. This is just the beginning, but you aren't alone. We are all pulling for you. Again, this is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Curiosity is getting the better of me, and I don't really know anything about My Space, but If your husband has a page, has D been to his page? If there are pictures on his page, and you are in them, or even if you aren't, I think you may have some explaining to do if you ever do meet? Better come clean as soon as possible, before things get out of hand. The upside to that is, maybe post some pictures as you come clean? Just rambling here, I really got no clue, so I'm just speculating. I hope things work out for you.

[BrandyHagz]

Deception is a wicked web to weave. Starting your relationship off on a lie is neither good nor advised. Rarely do things like this stay buried – often, the party that has been lied to finds out and it ruins any chance you have at building a sound and solid relationship.

Honestly, this is the kind of story that gets everyone up in arms about reunion (namely the media) and how people sneak around and spy on/pretend to be something they aren’t. This is the type of situation that has anti-reunion organizations salivating…

Nothing good can come of this. Sure, you might eventually connect and build a relationship, but you will always have the knowledge that what you’ve created is built on a foundation of lies and half-truths.

I’d be lying, of course, if I said that you’re attempt to deceive those here by saying ‘friend’ when the reality is that it’s really you, isn’t concerning. I wonder if you’re really prepared for reunion or building a relationship. It seems you struggle with honesty – and honesty is a keystone of any relationship.

Go ahead – flame away – I am aghast at this, I really am.

[Nicole28]

Just a question - no intention to offend - but why is your bio-daughter talking to a much older man that she doesn't know on MySpace?

It makes me uncomfortable...and, as an adoptee, if a much older man were sending emails [even though I know that it is YOU signing his name] and fishing for information I'd be suspicious of everything BUT this person potentially being bio-family.

[chunkmomma1]

I can understand where you are all coming from and your thoughts.
I have been so confused with this whole thing. I told you all in other post that I needed someone to be me. My heart is always in the good but some of the things I say does not come out right. I said my husband was my friend cause he is, hes my best friend. And he knows everything I have gone through. I feel like if Courtney rejects him then I dont have a chance, but if she excepts him then my chances are a little better. I know it may not be understanding to you all, but in my brain she would reject him and yes that would hurt but better him than me. I would know in my heart that it was me that got rejected. See what I mean My brain takes things differently and my heart seems to think its okay.
I just want to know more about her.

[crick]

If you think her mom is going to be mad at you for contacting her, you can bet she's going to be absolutely LIVID when she finds out you manipulated Courtney. (not that amom dictates your reunion, but trust me, the mother bear will come out in full force and your actions certainly caused it.)

And it IS manipulation what you are doing, besides appearing to be someone you are not. You justify it by saying you just want to know more about her and that your husband is your best friend?

No, this is just wrong on so many levels and I can't help the picture of the "creepy old men preying on young girls on the net" from entering my head. Bad enough we have to worry about strangers and evil people on the net but to worry about someone who should truly have their child's best interest at heart lying, deceiving and manipulating? I just can't go with it. Sorry, but your fears of rejection are not an excuse for doing what you are doing.

[kelceesmom]

I am very much on this one with Crick. You are deceiving this person from the start. Nothing good will happen if you continue down that path.

If I found out that my daughters bmom was trying to get in contact with her the way you are I would probably try to talk my daughter out of having a relationship with her. You would strike me as a very dishonest person right off the bat.

Step back and rethink your approach.