[txrnr]

For a teen, I think there is a huge difference between being curious about your bparents, and wanting a relationship. I would have jumped all over pictures, or getting to know them from a distance. I personally, would not have been ready to have a relationship. It's hard enough for most kids to relate to their parents without adding the stress (either good or bad) of new parents.

I don't know many teens who would admit they aren't mature or ready to make their own decisions. They're bullet proof at that age. They know everything. Sure, there are a few that may be able to handle the relationship, but I think they're the exception, not the rule.

I also think aparents should let them know there has been contact, and that they will help facilitate that relationship if it's appropriate. I think most birthparents are normal, caring human beings, and I also believe the same about aparents. I know I would have told my parents I didn't want contact. I've been telling them that for the past 25 years. I think it's far to easy to blame the aparents for a "no" than accept that the child may not be ready for whatever reason. (and that isn't directed at any person in this thread, just a general observation)

[crick]

Originally Posted by bumblebeeskies

Brown,

As you know, I follow your blog. I feel angry FOR YOU at what AM has done. In your post, you talked about respect. You feel like contacting M would be disrespectful to her, because you would no longer be respecting AM's wishes. When I read that, I felt like screaming, "ISN'T RESPECT A TWO WAY STREET"!!? If M really has been wanting to meet her birth parents, which is what it sounds like, I hate to see the day that she finds out that AM has been in contact with you. This is just a hunch, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't matter to AM if M was 16 or 26, that she would still have a problem with it. Many kids WANT to have contact w/ their birth parents, but are afraid to saying anything as they don't want to hurt their aparents. If M really wants contact, I'm not sure that you're doing her any favors by waiting. 16 yo is not a baby. They are capable of dealing with a lot

And yet...Brown won't do that because she doesn't know for sure how dd feels about it and she is an honorable, ethical, moral and respectful person who is making it about her CHILD and not herself.

It's not up to any bparent to ASSUME that they'll do them a disfavor, favor or whathave you. Nor is it anyone's right to assume that the minor child is capable of dealing with contact or reunion at that age. How the heck do you know? You don't know the child at all and have no clue what they are capable of or not capable of. Having a Myspace account does not mean "I'm all that I say and appear to be on here with a maturity level of an adult. I can handle whatever is thrown my way." While a 16 year old is not a baby, they are still a minor and there is a reason for parental responsibility here, whether anyone likes it or agrees with it or not.

In Brown's situation, I feel for her, I really do and I would welcome the chance to email with the amom as an amom and tell her a few things. However...just because amom is acting wrong, it doesn't mean Brown needs to do the same thing. Amom's day will come when she has to answer for her behavior and that's her battle and cross to bear. Why the heck would Brown want the same thing to happen to her some day in the future possibly jeapordizing any chance for a relationship?

[rainmon]

Isabo, I also really enjoyed your post, I did not sense any resentment or anything negative about it at all, but instead felt it was in fact very enlightening and thought provoking.... not sure how others misread what you were saying either...?????

[RavenSong]

I have to admit that reading this thread makes me soooo appreciative of how my son's parents handled our reunion. When I relinquished him shortly after birth in 1972 (he was 4 days old), it was the classic closed adoption...his parents were told the basics about me (social status, educational background, hobbies, physical characteristics, medical history, etc.). In turn, I was told maybe one or two paragraphs, at the most. I didn't know if he was dead or alive for years.

When DS was 11 years old, both his birthfather and I went to the county adoption agency, requested non-ID info (the laws in California had recently changed, allowing birthparents to obtain non-identifying information), and we both signed waivers of confidentiality. We went there because I had an overwhelming feeling that his parents would want to contact me during his teen years.

Two years later when DS was 13 years old, I received a registered letter from the adoption agency, stating that my son had some serious behavioral problems and learning disabilities. I sent them my updated medical history and a lot of other personal information that DS's parents wanted. This opened the door for exchanging letters and gifts for the next five years, with the agency acting as intermediary.

When DS was about 16 years old, his parents actually tried to find me. The agency would not disclose my last name or street address due to California's laws at the time. His folks had decided that it would be best for him to get to know me and to build a relationship. Long story short, they weren't able to locate me, although his dad worked at the hospital he was born in and did try to find my medical records, based on DS's birthdate. Since I hadn't been treated in that hospital in 16 years, my medical records evidently were archived in storage somewhere, and his dad couldn't access them.

So, when DS turned 18 years old, his parents and he went to the adoption agency together and signed their own waivers of confidentiality. The postadoptions caseworker then called me, giving me DS's last name, phone number, and address. I flew back to my hometown to meet him several weeks later. The following month, I moved back to California from New Mexico.

One thing I am so grateful for is that the night I told his parents I was moving back home, his dad's face lit up. And he told me that was "the best thing in the world you can do for DS right now". After reading this thread and all the various opinions of reuniting with 18-year-old teenagers, I am so thankful the Internet wasn't in full swing in 1990. I think if I had been reading message boards back then, I would have constantly questioned myself and all the "what if's". I think I would have been scared to death.

It wasn't like I didn't prepare myself for reunion. A couple years before we reunited, I joined a very active triad support group that met formally at least once a month. Most of the members were focused on search and reunion issues. So I had a lot of input from adoptees and their aparents, as well. Many years before that, I had joined Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), but at that time, most members were bmoms. When my son turned 16, his parents let me know that he wanted reunion, so I decided I needed to join a triad support group, specifically so I could learn from the adoptees and their aparents.

I guess I'm posting this part of my story to let people know that it isn't always the same for every adopted teenager. My son's parents wanted my help...they were pretty much at their wit's end about how to deal with him. I'm glad they turned to me, and I'm grateful they trusted me. My son did indeed have some serious problems throughout late adolescence and early adulthood. But with a lot of hard work, patience, and love on all of our parts, he overcame those problems. He is now 36 years old, owns his own home, is happy in life, loves his profession, and is an extraordinary human being. Just thought I'd share that....

[Nicole28]

Raven, that is such a great story.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I have to admit that reading this thread makes me soooo appreciative of how my son's parents handled our reunion. When I relinquished him shortly after birth in 1972 (he was 4 days old), it was the classic closed adoption...his parents were told the basics about me (social status, educational background, hobbies, physical characteristics, medical history, etc.). In turn, I was told maybe one or two paragraphs, at the most. I didn't know if he was dead or alive for years.

When DS was 11 years old, both his birthfather and I went to the county adoption agency, requested non-ID info (the laws in California had recently changed, allowing birthparents to obtain non-identifying information), and we both signed waivers of confidentiality. We went there because I had an overwhelming feeling that his parents would want to contact me during his teen years.

Two years later when DS was 13 years old, I received a registered letter from the adoption agency, stating that my son had some serious behavioral problems and learning disabilities. I sent them my updated medical history and a lot of other personal information that DS's parents wanted. This opened the door for exchanging letters and gifts for the next five years, with the agency acting as intermediary.

When DS was about 16 years old, his parents actually tried to find me. The agency would not disclose my last name or street address due to California's laws at the time. His folks had decided that it would be best for him to get to know me and to build a relationship. Long story short, they weren't able to locate me, although his dad worked at the hospital he was born in and did try to find my medical records, based on DS's birthdate. Since I hadn't been treated in that hospital in 16 years, my medical records evidently were archived in storage somewhere, and his dad couldn't access them.

So, when DS turned 18 years old, his parents and he went to the adoption agency together and signed their own waivers of confidentiality. The postadoptions caseworker then called me, giving me DS's last name, phone number, and address. I flew back to my hometown to meet him several weeks later. The following month, I moved back to California from New Mexico.

One thing I am so grateful for is that the night I told his parents I was moving back home, his dad's face lit up. And he told me that was "the best thing in the world you can do for DS right now". After reading this thread and all the various opinions of reuniting with 18-year-old teenagers, I am so thankful the Internet wasn't in full swing in 1990. I think if I had been reading message boards back then, I would have constantly questioned myself and all the "what if's". I think I would have been scared to death.

It wasn't like I didn't prepare myself for reunion. A couple years before we reunited, I joined a very active triad support group that met formally at least once a month. Most of the members were focused on search and reunion issues. So I had a lot of input from adoptees and their aparents, as well. Many years before that, I had joined Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), but at that time, most members were bmoms. When my son turned 16, his parents let me know that he wanted reunion, so I decided I needed to join a triad support group, specifically so I could learn from the adoptees and their aparents.

I guess I'm posting this part of my story to let people know that it isn't always the same for every adopted teenager. My son's parents wanted my help...they were pretty much at their wit's end about how to deal with him. I'm glad they turned to me, and I'm grateful they trusted me. My son did indeed have some serious problems throughout late adolescence and early adulthood. But with a lot of hard work, patience, and love on all of our parts, he overcame those problems. He is now 36 years old, owns his own home, is happy in life, loves his profession, and is an extraordinary human being. Just thought I'd share that....

Raven, that is a great strory and its prove postive the the needs of the child CAN be addressed and are by both sets of parents.. Because the needs of the child are put front and center..
Its a horrible feeling to think that you may be stuck in the middle between the 2 mothers , one that gave birth and the one that raised you.

One of my favorie strories is anadoptee who had hgone shopping with both her mothers. She was very much an adult but got seperated from "the mothers". They had her paged The page was "Would Elizabeth please come to the front, your mothers are looking for you!" I thought that wa.s really cute. But one of my first thoughts was geez, if I was Elizabeth, I may have run like heck!!! 2 mothers to answer to..yikes!!!! (whatdidyoubuy, how much was it, will that match your couch, where are you gonna put it, where you , WE were looking for you, whose that man you were talking toect..lol)

[dpen6]

Raven, the other thing I wanted to point out was that your reunion was for his benefit. It was done by all parents to benifit him....thats what makes it differnt from other situaions when one parent or the other is either denying or pushing for contact for their own reasons. Then will place bame on the failure to either the other parent of the adoptee themselves.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by crick

And yet...Brown won't do that because she doesn't know for sure how dd feels about it and she is an honorable, ethical, moral and respectful person who is making it about her CHILD and not herself.

It's not up to any bparent to ASSUME that they'll do them a disfavor, favor or whathave you. Nor is it anyone's right to assume that the minor child is capable of dealing with contact or reunion at that age. How the heck do you know? You don't know the child at all and have no clue what they are capable of or not capable of. Having a Myspace account does not mean "I'm all that I say and appear to be on here with a maturity level of an adult. I can handle whatever is thrown my way." While a 16 year old is not a baby, they are still a minor and there is a reason for parental responsibility here, whether anyone likes it or agrees with it or not.

In Brown's situation, I feel for her, I really do and I would welcome the chance to email with the amom as an amom and tell her a few things. However...just because amom is acting wrong, it doesn't mean Brown needs to do the same thing. Amom's day will come when she has to answer for her behavior and that's her battle and cross to bear. Why the heck would Brown want the same thing to happen to her some day in the future possibly jeapordizing any chance for a relationship?

Thank you Crick for answering for me since I wasn't around yesterday, LOL! Because this is what I would have posted.

The thing is is that there are so many things I don't know FOR SURE. Half of what I "know" are things that are actually great hunches with some over rationalizing to back it up. Honestly I think my DD would be OK if I contacted her, but what if she's NOT. It's too big a what if. And if she isn't OK with it, and tells her mom, it's a whole can of worms that's all on me. I won't do it. Whatever negativity or insecurity she feels for the situation will suddenly be justified, and I won't let that happen.

As far as I know, contact with her birthfather didn't have a negative effect on her, she still gets straight A's and excels in sports and is well adjusted and happy. I think she is telling her mom no to contact because she is afraid of hurting her. But there's nothing I can do about that. As long as she says no, her mom will believe she is not ready. And I agree there is a big difference between being curious (which we all know she is ) and being ready to start a relationship. I don't blame her for that. My issues with a-mom are over the way she treats me, and what she hid from DD, not that she is not allowing contact.

Bottom line for me is that if I were the a-mom and I found out my daughters b-mom went behind my back and contacted my daughter as a minor, I would be VERY upset. I would even be more upset if I had been corresponding with b-mom and told her that DD didn't want contact and after telling me multiple times that she would respect that, she then turned around and contacted her. I have to behave in the manner that I would like to be treated. Does it suck that I have to deal with half stories and broken promises, YES. I have a blog filled with entries attributing to that. But going behind her back is not the answer. Contact with DD is not a prize to be won, it's something that needs to unfold in time. And soon enough she will be 18 and then I can contact her and see if her a-mom was right. But until then, I feel it would be wrong to try.

It's hard to be in my situation, sometimes I do just want to say to heck with it and do what I feel is right and try to see for myself, but this isn't about me. And if DD is not able to tell her mom that she is interested, then maybe she isn't as ready as she thinks either.

And yes, someday she will have to answer to DD as to her behavior and I feel awful about it, because it very well could have a negative impact on thier relationship, much more so than contact would. I hate the fact that DD might have to go through that one day, but that is something I can't control.

[lalgee]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

you are right that teens CAN make up their own minds about things. And sometimes they think they want things they cant handle and they get in over their heads.

That is kind of what a birthmom goes through in surrendering. I was a kid myself and I thought I wanted something (was told that I had better want it), but I am in way over my head. I never knew how difficult it would be to live without him.

I sure want to know him now, but not at the price of integrity or trust. Until he is 100 years old, I would always want my contact with him to be OK with amom. I love her though I have never met her, because she holds all the stories, and all the time that I lost with him. She has such a dear place in my heart - whoever she is.

By the way, how in the WORLD does anyone find someone on myspace??? I don't know if I'm just OLD or what, but I can't find ANYone nor woudl I even know where to look! Sheesh!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

Thank you Crick for answering for me since I wasn't around yesterday, LOL! Because this is what I would have posted.

The thing is is that there are so many things I don't know FOR SURE. Half of what I "know" are things that are actually great hunches with some over rationalizing to back it up. Honestly I think my DD would be OK if I contacted her, but what if she's NOT. It's too big a what if. And if she isn't OK with it, and tells her mom, it's a whole can of worms that's all on me. I won't do it. Whatever negativity or insecurity she feels for the situation will suddenly be justified, and I won't let that happen.

As far as I know, contact with her birthfather didn't have a negative effect on her, she still gets straight A's and excels in sports and is well adjusted and happy. I think she is telling her mom no to contact because she is afraid of hurting her. But there's nothing I can do about that. As long as she says no, her mom will believe she is not ready. And I agree there is a big difference between being curious (which we all know she is ) and being ready to start a relationship. I don't blame her for that. My issues with a-mom are over the way she treats me, and what she hid from DD, not that she is not allowing contact.

Bottom line for me is that if I were the a-mom and I found out my daughters b-mom went behind my back and contacted my daughter as a minor, I would be VERY upset. I would even be more upset if I had been corresponding with b-mom and told her that DD didn't want contact and after telling me multiple times that she would respect that, she then turned around and contacted her. I have to behave in the manner that I would like to be treated. Does it suck that I have to deal with half stories and broken promises, YES. I have a blog filled with entries attributing to that. But going behind her back is not the answer. Contact with DD is not a prize to be won, it's something that needs to unfold in time. And soon enough she will be 18 and then I can contact her and see if her a-mom was right. But until then, I feel it would be wrong to try.

It's hard to be in my situation, sometimes I do just want to say to heck with it and do what I feel is right and try to see for myself, but this isn't about me. And if DD is not able to tell her mom that she is interested, then maybe she isn't as ready as she thinks either.

And yes, someday she will have to answer to DD as to her behavior and I feel awful about it, because it very well could have a negative impact on thier relationship, much more so than contact would. I hate the fact that DD might have to go through that one day, but that is something I can't control.

browneyes

THANK YOU!!

I can uderstand your wanting to say the heck with it and contact her anyway, and yes that contact may not hurt her or upset her. but the fact that it holds the possibly of hurting her and you underestand that shows an understanding of the adoted child.

Thats all I am asking from both the birthparent and adoptive parent side. I know how hard it was for me at the age of 28, with me doing the contacting, and it being a decent reunion. I can't imagine how an 16, 18(not much differnce there) or even a person in their early twenties. I don't undrstand how 18 is such a magical age anyway. It is expected that "they can just deal with it", and don't need anyone to support them.

Aother thing that I thought of is that many women(girls) relinqished at an early age, their reason were that they were forced to, some at 16,18,and some at 21, 22. they didn't have the fortitude or the maturity to say to their parents that it wasn't what they wanted. thats to be expected many don't have the maturity to do so, so then why would a biomom expect a child athe age of 16, 18 or even 21 be able to handle such incredible emotional heavy stuff at such an early age. then be "hurt" when this young person acts out because THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. And the reunion goes down the toilet.

Aparents are blamed, adoptees are blamed, society is blamed...when in fact it was the timing that was wrong, or an approach that was wrong.

[bumblebeeskies]

So much for trying to speak up for someone.

[rainmon]

It seems to me if the adopted parents do not feel the teenager is ready at the time of contact they could at least send a picture or two and a little report on how the child is doing and maybe even explain why they feel the child is not ready at that point so there would be some understanding about it.
then the birthparent isn't just left with nothing but rejection at that point. otherwise it just seems so heartless. just like a slap in the face !

[Nicole28]

It seems to me if the adopted parents do not feel the teenager is ready at the time of contact they could at least send a picture or two and a little report on how the child is doing and maybe even explain why they feel the child is not ready at that point so there would be some understanding about it.
then the birthparent isn't just left with nothing but rejection at that point. otherwise it just seems so heartless. just like a slap in the face !

If a biological parent attempts to contact their relinquished child prior to the child turning whatever age is legal for contact in their state - generally 18 - then the adoptive parent has every right to intervene and respectfully ask that the biological parent please step back & avoid contact. Granted, if my biological mother attempted to contact me before I was legally able to obtain information on my own accord and my Mom or Dad would not allow it, I'm sure that I would have been angry and tried to convince them that I was capable of making such an adult decision, but as parents, they would have been making a decision in my own best interest and they have every right to do so. They are not obligated to send a picture or a note to the bio-parent after they ask her to back off, either - it's not "the least they could do" in this situation. I do agree, though, that the parents should briefly explain to the bio-parent why they are barring any contact at that particular time, though, simply out of respect. Once that happens, I think that the wishes of the parents should be respected until the adoptee turns 18 - - then the bio-parent has every right to try to contact he or she again, or the adoptee can attempt to contact the bio-parent, etc.

A parent making decisions on the behalf of their minor child that may ultimately hurt a biological parent isn't heartless...it's their right. Granted, not all parents would be denying contact for the right reasons...some may feel threatened by the bio-parent and, for their own selfish reasons, would want to prevent contact at all costs. I get that. But I just find the sterotype that adoptive parents are selfish and threatened by biological parents to be insulting - - I know that, if my bio-mother were to have contacted me, my parents would have been nervous and concerned and conflicted, but ultimately they would have either acted in my best interest or asked me what I wanted to do and then supported me.

[rainmon]

I am saying if the bio-parent respectfully contacted "adopted parents" just to touch base with "THEM" and to ask how the teenager is doing. and give them her contact info.... it just seems like they could reply in a respectful way knowing it would just be a matter of time anyway that teen will be an adult.
no... I don't believe in contacting underage kids.
but is there a hardfast rule about the a-parents?
are they out of line for just wanting to know how they are doing?

[agathaj]

rainmom we are not out of line we are normal people who want to know what our children are doing, if they are happy, loved and safe and doing well...jeeze - is that a crime yet? Thankfully MS. Facebook etc has provided these answers for me and many other bmothers.
dpen6: In my case, I got lucky and I do not blame the APs or my bteen for the lack of a relationship. They let her choose and it isn't to be for whatever reason. I just wish that other APs could be like them.
lalgee: schools and networks are the key for most of these sites. Also it took me months to find my bteen. She had cancelled her page but then reappeared sometime later. They often do not go under their name - or it could be a version of their name ie Nicole could be nikki or kita etc