[WhatzUrPlan]

Okay, not that this is about your husband...but I have one question about the whole "better she reject him than me" theory...you say your husband is your best friend, he is (hopefully) the love of your life...and you are content to throw him under the bus like that. What does that REALLY say to your daughter about the type of person who is attempting to reunite? You live with and love him daily and are willing to throw him under the bus, THEN you come to her under a blanket of lies...

[WhatzUrPlan]

Originally Posted by rainmon

I'm wondering if you are all reading what chunkmomma is saying , as there is a lot of words being slung around that don't fit what has happened so far.....
imaginations seem to running amuck....
she has explained the control problems she was having with the music and made corrections, she has also explained that there was not an ongoing dialogue going when she came to us to ask our opinions, and then followed through with connecting with her b-daughter upfront after some of our advice was taken.
so now it is up to Courtney.
maybe in CM's excitment of finding her daughter on myspace she momentarily lost it,
but just breifly....as she recouped quickly and seems to be on the right path now.

yes, I've read what CM is saying and I still have to disagree with you, in part. She's made some positive changes in the way she's handling it, however, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. She maintains the position that she is not being deceitful and has done nothing wrong.

I could have gone about contacting my bio-daughter a bit more carefully, however, I was honest with her and cautious at the same time. I wasn't positive it was her, so I didn't just blurt out that I was a birthmother looking for a bio-child. I didn't even know whether she knew she was adopted, because her Aparents had already established themselves as liars. Therefore, I took a different approach. The difference is...I approached her as myself and only myself, never misled her in any way, shape or form and broke the news to her very gently. In fact, was very vague and she told me it seemed as though I was her birthmother...at that time, I confirmed it.

CM maintains that nothing damaging was done in the initial contact...what is lying, if not damaging.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one, rain...

[WhatzUrPlan]

Nicole, I think maybe you've mistaken one thing that CM said...if I understood her correctly, about MS and the music, she was referring to her own parents, their awareness of the music she listens to, the fact that they don't care about her choice of music and that her parents are too old to be on MS.

I don't see how her own parents were relevant to the conversation, but I believe she was referring to them, rather than to her own children as far as being too old to be on MS.

CM~ the earlier references made to "parents hearing the music on your MS page and being offended" was not about your parents, it was about C's parents being offended by your MS page. Regardless of her age, they will have an impact on how she feels about reunion, if she has any kind of decent relationship with them.

[RavenSong]

Well at least Chunkmomma waited until her daughter was 19 years old, legally an adult, before contacting her on MySpace. And she contacted Courtney's adoptive mother first, out of respect.

Sheesh, I'm just amazed at people who are contacting their kids while they're still considered legally children and living at home. At least contact the aparents first if the child is under 18 y/o. This is really boltstering some negative stereotypes of birthmoms barging in while the kids are still kids. Just my two cents, for what it's worth...

[WhatzUrPlan]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Well at least Chunkmomma waited until her daughter was 19 years old, legally an adult, before contacting her on MySpace. And she contacted Courtney's adoptive mother first, out of respect.

Sheesh, I'm just amazed at people who are contacting their kids while they're still considered legally children and living at home. At least contact the aparents first if the child is under 18 y/o. This is really boltstering some negative stereotypes of birthmoms barging in while the kids are still kids. Just my two cents, for what it's worth...

What you DON'T know about my situation is that the Aparents promised to remain in touch with me, send pics, etc., and have NEVER kept to a SINGLE commitment they made in the adoption process. If they had maintained some measure of INTEGRITY then I would never have contacted her while she was under 18. They have proven themselves to be liars and, as such, have left me wondering for 15 years how she is, what she looks like and so on. I won't go into the OTHER promises they broke because that's too many details. Before you accuse me of stepping out of bounds, you would want to have a little better understanding...

[RavenSong]

WhatzUrPlan: I'm sorry that your daughter's aparents broke the promises they made to you. But that still does NOT give you the right to contact her without their permission while she is still legally considered a child and living at home.

I do know exactly what it feels like to wait those last few years until the child turns 18 years old. It's hard, incredibly hard. But unless you want to cause trouble, it's my opinion you need to wait.

You have to think of your daughter's needs first, and keep her best interests in mind. Going behind her parents' backs can very well backfire on you big time. And it can easily leave her stuck in the middle. Why would you want to do that?

[JustPeachy]

I agree that you need to take a huge step back, and correct what you started with your husband friending Courtney on Myspace. I don't agree that you need to fess up immediately and make a big drama out of this right now. I don't think it would be a good way to start a reunion. Whether you fess up down the road or not is up to you, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary to bring up at all. I do think you need to take a huge step back, settle your emotions, and approach your daughter when you are in a much better frame of mind and ready to do it directly and honestly. I would highly, highly, highly recommend counseling of some sort. I say this to anyone going through reunion. It's too highly-charged emotionally and things can get out of hand so easily. Chunk, you're too scared right now. Take a step back and breathe................you want to approach your reunion from a position of strength, not fear and desperation.

Edited to add: I somehow skipped over the last page, and didn't realize that Chunk had gotten in touch again with Courtney before I posted this message. I need to be more awake when I come on here!

[majicka414]

Whatzurplan, I have to agree w/ Raven... I too was promised updates, granted I was lucky and had gotten a handful over the past 15 years. Yes, I feel ripped off! I've found my daughter's myspace/facebook pages and as tempted as I am to msg her, and as much as I have spouted online about the temptation and it killing me, I won't contact her.

She's 15. She's a child. Think back to when you were 15, put yourself in her situation. I guess maybe because I'm adopted myself I can. I would have been mortified if some strange woman contacted me to say she was my mother. At 15 your life is a total drama-ride as it is..throw that type of thing on a 15 yr old girls head..woah.

It was very selfish of you to do that. I hope your child is mature enough to handle it, or atleast has a good enough supportsystem behind them to help them deal with it.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I am.

[Nicole28]

Nicole, I think maybe you've mistaken one thing that CM said...if I understood her correctly, about MS and the music, she was referring to her own parents, their awareness of the music she listens to, the fact that they don't care about her choice of music and that her parents are too old to be on MS.

If thats what CM meant - what does that have to do with anything? When did we start talking about her parents? But who even knows at this point?

I think there's a lot of BS going on here - - I feel like I'm being duped into believing that certain people have no clue when they really know exactly what's going on.

I think the point of this entire mess is that we all make mistakes, especially in difficult emotionally-charged situations like first contact between a bio-mother and her relinquished child - no one is condemning Chunk for her lapse in judgment. The issue we're all charged up about is the inability to suck it up and admit that these mistakes were made - now it just seems to me like the entire communication on MS was calculated and manipulative, and it breaks my heart for Courtney. Somewhere along the line the topic was shifted to music and MS profiles and lack of education and I think it was all in a blatant effort to distract us from the real issue. I don't appreciate it as an adoptee - - I think it is ridiculous.

As much as I hate to admit it, this entire scenario makes me want to halt my search immediately because I'm afraid that I'll find out that my biological mother is a person who doesn't have my best intentions in her heart.

It's just sad.

[Oceans]

I myself think that there should be complete honesty. If the goal is reunion then I guess it's better to sugar coat how contact was made and tell a white lie or two. If the goal is a relationship built on trust and respect then I would own what I did and why I did it - apologize and hope for the best.

CM: I'm not really clear on your response so that's just my opinion. Not a flame or anything.

As far as MS goes, I think removing the offensive songs is the way to go. Maybe I'm prudish but I don't care how old my son is, I wouldn't want him listning to those lyrics. Nor would I want him thinking that I approved of such depricating words towards women.

Honestly (and I can not stress this enough) remove the song... You can always put it back on later. You are creating a HORRIBLE first impression and i don't care how far down the playlist it is. I think there is a small chance C will think you're "cool" because of it and it could backfire.

If it were my child, it wouldn't be worth the risk..

But again... Just my opinion.

[loveajax]

CM, take this for what it's worth...but I think you are simply in "reeling" mode (I have been there myself in other circumstances and I find that I lack a little insight/judgment when I am "there").

What I am confused about is have you YET told courtney who you are? Let's assume that her amom DID tell C you wanted contact and C said she wasn't ready (I know it's the amom saying she's not ready, but do we know for sure that she didn't talk to C)? I'm just wondering if it makes sense to "come clean" now, explain to C that you really wanted to be in touch with her, that you sent a letter to both her/her amom, and you would love to know if she wants to have contact with you. I would be a little wigged out if I was communicating with my birth mom unknowingly, you know?

I think that you really did try to be respectful...I think you should continue on that mode and be honest. I find that you are not "uneducated" at all....you appear to be a very bright, thoughtful person. I think it may be time to either A) come clean; or B) take a step back to when you feel more in control, etc. Sometimes people are judged solely on "first impressions"...sad but true. you want yours with Courtney to be a good one.....in any event, don't continue to "talk" with Courtney on MySpace without revealing who you are....

Dr. Phil (haha).

[chunkmomma1]

hello all
there is some good news
after we emailed her last night explaing that we are both talking to her she replied back asking for more details on her to make sure we are who we said we was.
so we told her what her birthname and other items that only she would know.
but she stumped me
she asked what kind of stuffed animal i sent with her. i instantly called my mom and asked if she could remember any needless to say neither one of us can remember, but all the other questions she asked she got the answers. the good LORD must have his hand in this cause after reading all of your commets i began to wonder. but i have went through this before with my oldest son i found him through myspace and he completely understood why my husband is so much involved and he is very grateful to my hubby. which is great. i am a firm believer that all good things come around. GOD knows my heart and knows I need all the help I can get.
Courtney is a very understanding person and I am very grateful for this.
So now my heart is skipping around and nothing could ruin my day, well almost nothing.
I have to always remember GOD does not give out more than a person can handle. He has a plan for us and now I have to have faith in him and see what happens next.

Even though some of the commets I have read made me a little frustrated but I think it was more with myself than anyone here.

So now I just have to wait to see what she wants to do. I am hoping we can be friends.
Thanks for all your opinions
Have a great Day!!

[One_Happy_Momma]

That's so good to hear!

You must be on cloud 9 to actually be speaking with her even if is just thru e-mail now.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shadow riderer]

As an adoptee who has reunited with both sides of my bio families, I have to admit this whole thing breaks my heart.

I'm just going to be blunt now and say that if you are looking to reunite, you do not get to test the waters first to see if you are going to like what you find. It doesn't work that way. Reunion is a risk you take. There are no guarantees of anything. If you think when you find your bio parents that they will have your best interest at heart, then you are setting yourself up for a let down. It's just not that simple. No one, not adoptees, not birhtparents, or anyone else knows what will be found at the end of a search. You don't get to check things out to see if you will be rejected or if it's safe.

If you want to go into reunion then go into it with the understanding that you risk getting hurt. Go into it with the understanding that the person you have searched for may not want you in their life. If they do, then you are blessed. If they do, understand that this isn't a fairy tale. Understand that the person you find may not be someone you like. They may have problems you might prefer not to deal with, or be unable to deal with. There will, no matter how well adjusted those involved are, be problems. It is a difficult relationship. One that takes more patience,understanding, and selfless ness than any other in your life. If you aare so emotional that you are reacting from emotions of fear and anger, then you do not need to initiate a reunion. If you are not willing to put the other person's feelings and well being, whether adoptee or birthparent, ahead of your own (in a healthy way), then you are not ready for reunion.

Reunion is emotionally charged and very few get through it unscathed in some way. If you can't deal with your emotions, get proffessional help. Both my bmom and bdad put the emotional issues on me. They expected me to bear the weight of their problems and showed no consideration for my feelings, my issues, or me at all. A 20 year reunion with bmom is damaged beyond repair because of her issues and the "lies" she told me. My reunion with bdad is in serious jeapordy because of his issues and the lies he told because of his fear of rejection. The truth always, always comes out. They both lied and put their issues on me,, made me feel responsible for them, and "I" am the one now hurt, angry, rejected, and heartbroken. Don't do that to your Bchildren or your bparents. They don't deserve it! It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions, past and present. Until you can do that leave you Bchildren or be parents, whichever the case may be, alone.

Reunion isn't just about the adoptee or the bparents. It doens't just effect the two reuniteees. It effects everyon tied to them, and if you search ane reunite, you better be prepared for anything.

[loveajax]

CM, I am so glad that Courtney now knows she is talking to YOU and that you were able to answer her questions...I hope everything continues to go well. Good luck.