[Suziebearhugs]

I understand why you took this approach after your relationship with adoptive mom didn't get you very far.

But THIS is NOT the way to go about a reunion with your daughter.

It's one thing to watch her myspace. But this is something completely different.

You need to set things straight and contact her yourself. Wether she accepts you or rejects you is up to her but she deserves honesty.

This reunion isn't a reunion if she doesn't even know it's you she's talking to. How does that benefit her? How does that benefit the relationship you'd like to build with her? How can it hurt that relationship? Or hurt her?

[Nicole28]

As an adoptee - I would never be able to trust you if I were your bio-daughter.

I would also be livid if I were her mother and I discovered that you were manipulating her over the Internet.

Now, I'm not in reunion, but I don't think you are ready.

This really upsets me - and I know it is hard for you, too - but it's so unsettling to me that you would be so deceptive. I had MySpace for maybe a year - I'm almost 24 - but I was always incredibly diligent about my privacy settings. I knew every single person that I was friends with...does it not bother YOU that your bio-daughter would accept a friend request from a much older adult male that she doesn't know?? It makes me sick to my stomach. It SHOULD bother you.

Not to mention the potential for your bio-daughter's parents to become EXTREMELY angry with you - they could go so far as to obtain a restraining order if they felt like you had put their daughter in any kind of compromising situation.

YES - rejection is TERRIBLE. I have a crazy fear of rejection. I think it is selfish of you to use your husband as a cover-up to get to your bio-daughter...he loves you and wants to help you through this but this is the wrong way. He should be encouraging you to be honest and forthcoming.

I'm sorry if I sound angry - I just can't believe this. It makes me so sad as an adoptee because I hold my biological mother in such a high regard, and if she approached contact with me in the way you are I would never want to trust her or build a relationship. How can you build a relationship on a lie? You can't. PLEASE - you need to be honest with your bio-daughter and the manipulation has to stop...I would hate for your bio-daughter to hate you or resent you years from now because of the way you handled this.

[shadow riderer]

I have to agree with everyone else. I would really encourage you to step back and get a grip on yourself. This has disaster written all over it. I would also encourage you to join a support group or get some counseling before you contact her. Your emotions are too fragile right now.

[Oceans]

OK we all agree this was wrong, so what to do about it now?

Since this was your husband it might be hard to distance yourself even if you did “back out” and wait 6 months to re-contact. I’m not big on putting words in people mouths but anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this now?

This is tough and I’m pulling for you CM but you have a couple of BIG hurdles to overcome here. My opinion is that you need to fall on your sword.

Confess to C about MS and who you are. Also tell her that you are doing this against her amom’s wishes (so that comes from you). You know you have not handled this well on both accounts. Let her know you are here for her IF she wants to contact you, apologize profusely (yes, even about her amom’s wishes), and then let it go….

And I know you feel bad so I don't think an apology will be a big act...

For the record, I don’t necessarily think it was wrong to contact C against her amom’s wishes (since she is 19). That said, I think you are in a hole and need to get back in everyone’s good graces here. An apology (maybe many of them) is the best way to start. If her amom finds out about the deception, I also think she’ll be livid (I would be) and no way will support reunion even if C wants it. At the very least, I would be VERY concerned about my child if I were her. An apology may soften her anger some…

I’m sorry you are in this place. Maybe someone else can think of something more helpful as a plan of action… or better words than mine.

[Suziebearhugs]

On your other thread you invited us to go see you on Myspace under the same name "chunkmamma".

So I just checked it out.

OMG. I could only imagine what the adoptive mother thought within the first seconds of logging on (if she searched you out). I can understand why she would be scared away from helping with a reunion.

I definitely think you might want to "re-think" your song choice. Especially if your looking to contact your daughter through your myspace account. The language is very heavy and offensive.

I'm absolutely repulsed/horrified. It would certianly scare me away if I were your daughter.

Please re-think the way you want to go about this. First impressions mean so much.

[browneyes0707]

Chunk:

I've been where you were, I have a relationship with my DD's a mom that is not exactly a two way street. And I understand how frustrating it is to want to know things. But this is NOT the way to go about it. I know before you were upset that her a-mom judged you without knowing you, but to be e-mailing her pretending to be someone else, this just gives her justification for anything negative she might have sensed. I know your intentions are good, but you are going about things all the wrong way, and this is most likely going to backfire.

She is 18 and you don't have to go through her mom for contact, but BE YOURSELF! Have you figured out how you are going to explain this to her? How long did you think you could pose as someone else?

I'm not trying to be harsh, but this just feeds all the creepy internet stories. My ex contacted my DD on myspace, and even tho he is her birthfather and he did tell her who he was and that she wanted her to tell her parents that he wrote, it just creeped me out to think of this 14 year old's reaction to get a message from a 33 year old man with no pic on his myspace.

Tell her the truth. NOW. Don't risk destroying your chances to ever have a relationship with her. Don't burn that bridge. If you are afraid to be yourself, you can't be in reunion, IMO, because reunion is all about her getting to know YOU for who YOU are. Maybe you do need to think about this before it goes too far. A relationship can't exist on a foundation of lies and mistrust.

[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by Oceans

OK we all agree this was wrong, so what to do about it now?

Since this was your husband it might be hard to distance yourself even if you did “back out” and wait 6 months to re-contact. I’m not big on putting words in people mouths but anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this now?

This is tough and I’m pulling for you CM but you have a couple of BIG hurdles to overcome here. My opinion is that you need to fall on your sword.

Confess to C about MS and who you are. Also tell her that you are doing this against her amom’s wishes (so that comes from you). You know you have not handled this well on both accounts. Let her know you are here for her IF she wants to contact you, apologize profusely (yes, even about her amom’s wishes), and then let it go….

And I know you feel bad so I don't think an apology will be a big act...

For the record, I don’t necessarily think it was wrong to contact C against her amom’s wishes (since she is 19). That said, I think you are in a hole and need to get back in everyone’s good graces here. An apology (maybe many of them) is the best way to start. If her amom finds out about the deception, I also think she’ll be livid (I would be) and no way will support reunion even if C wants it. At the very least, I would be VERY concerned about my child if I were her. An apology may soften her anger some…

I’m sorry you are in this place. Maybe someone else can think of something more helpful as a plan of action… or better words than mine.

I disagree. I think she needs to first(stop talking to her using your husbands account). Second, "clean up" her myspace and then contact her directly that way. In a friendly,loving none threatening way. As their relationship starts to take hold then she can mention her efforts to contact her through her mom and then later she can mention that she was so scared of her rejecting her that she decided to use her dh's account first.

She needs to see where her daughter stands at this point...without all the negative stuff right off the bat. Her daughter can forgive her for this mistake later and hopefully will be so happy with their reunion that she'll be understanding of why she went about it the way she did.

Good Luck Chunckmamma. You don't need anyone else to be you "not even your husband". Just be yourself. That is who and what your birth daughter deserves.

[Nicole28]

Before you send her a MySpace message - you need to do some work on your profile. What kind of message do you want to send to your bio-daughter...or anyone who views you on MS, for that matter? I don't understand the offensive music, etc. You're representing the person that you are...what if your bio-daughter saw that? What if her parents saw it? There's consequences to our actions, you know?

What if you sent her a message from your own profile and say something like:

C - I have to be honest and let you know that it was me who was sending you messages via [insert your husband's name here] profile. I am very interested in contacting you and learning more about you, but I was so afraid of rejection. This process is all very new to me. I apologize for being dishonest and manipulating you. I am aware that I am contacting you against your mother's wishes and I apologize for disrespecting her wishes as well. I made a terrible choice in not being forthcoming with you and I regret that, but I would like to move forward in honesty with you. If you would like to get to know one another, I would love that - but we would need to be honest with one another from here on out. I promise to be patient with you. If you do not want contact, I respect that as well.

etc, etc.

I think this could progress into a great reunion as long as you end the lies and misrepresentations.

[Oceans]

OK Everyone... I just found CM on MS and her profile is set to private so you couldn't have heard a song nor is there anything offensive. Also, she hasn't signed on since yesterday so I don't believe this just happened.

Do you see a pic that matches her Avatar (sp?) cuz I do..

I think you are on the wrong page (and yes I saw one that was not so nice) - Just to let you know. We don't need CM feeling worse than she does...

[Nicole28]

Then I apologize if it is the wrong person...

the profile I saw could have been anyone's I guess...there were no distinguishing pictures, and I don't know if CM's avatar is her or someone else or recent or what. But I saw the same profile and got heated up - so again, oops and I'm sorry if I got on my soapbox for nothing.

I certainly don't want CM to be hurting - - I think we all just hope for a successful reunion based on mutual trust and honesty.

[Oceans]

CM: I found your MS (was wrong in my other post)... You need to change that hun. Make it "Mom" friendly for C....

[bumblebeeskies]

How do you find chunkmomma's page? I can't find it. What do I click? TIA

[txrnr]

I'm going to agree with the others, not wanting to kick a person when down, just to toss in another opinion. I'm an adoptee and I definitely would not want to discover my first contact with my birthmother was under false pretenses. It would create huge trust issues.

I have not checked out your MS page. While Courtney may or may not like it, I say be who you are. If your page truly represents you, then leave it. You want her to accept who for who you are. As we've said with the false messages, pretending only makes things worse. If your page represents you, then it won't do much good for long to clean it up if that's the true you. If it shows who your are when mad/sad, or only in a certain mood, then please rethink it.

May I suggest you take a step back for a bit and reign your emotions in. I'm sure that's a hard thing to do, but I think you'll make more rational decisions and be able to meet Courtney in a much saner frame of mind.

Good luck CM, I think your heart is in the right place.

[Rondidondi]

Do listen to the others and stop wht you are currently doing. No good will come of it.
I was once affected by someone "pretending" to be someone they weren't. And it really did hurt.
I understand you are scared of being rejected. Sometimes when we are scared we don't make good judgements. It's time for you to take a few deep breaths and just slow down.
You've made a mistake. Now, it needs fixin.

[bumblebeeskies]

Ugh! I would be totally freaked out if I found a page for my bmom and it looked like that.

I agree w/ Suzie about not fessing up just yet. I think you should do the following:

1. Unfriend your husband from C's account
2. Clean up your myspace page. Do not have a song popping up about "suck my d*ck!!!
3. Tone down the "People I'd like to meet" section. (you don't want to sound desperate or obsessed w/ her)
4. Unfriend your husband from your page
5. Contact her yourself
6. DO NOT bring up anything having to do with posing as your husband.

I think what you did is better left unsaid.