[Isabo]

Originally Posted by crick

If my kids were okay with me giving out that info/pics then I would have no issue giving the bparent an update.
While I don't legally have an obligation, I do feel a moral obligation to do that and I would. Call it a common courtesy. If my kids were not okay with it, I'd at least give general information and let the bparent know that at this time, the child is not okay with it. Would I give any reason as to WHY? I don't know...depends on what the reason is. I'm pretty protective of my kids' privacy, so that's something I would honor and it would come before my moral obligation I might feel towards their bparents.

I liken it to adoptees requesting medical information or general info (say, bdad's name etc.) from bparent. I feel the bparents who say "No, this is my info and it's my secret and it's my business, go away" are in the wrong and have a moral obligation to provide that information requested.

Crick,

You stated that you felt that there are exceptions that trump what you feel is a moral obligation to update your children's first parents (the exception is your child's wishes to not provide an update). Do you think there are acceptable exceptions that trump a first parent's moral obligation to provide information to an adoptee? I'm just wondering. I haven't thought of any myself, except that I am getting very tired of being alternately treated like family and then treated like a biological resource only, when my son decides to have very dramatic issues.

I hope I haven't misquoted you - I thought it was a worthwhile topic to explore, as I am struggling with that right now.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

I would like to pose a question to bmom's. Let's put the shoe on the other foot, and for arguments sake say, how would you feel if you found out that your birthchild had gone on the internet and before contacting you, for lack of a better word, spied on you.

I am a first mom, and I am happy to answer that. I have lived my life so my son could be proud of me. My life is an open book. I have lived a very moral, upright life, and I am proud of the life that I have lived. I have worked hard all my life, and educated myself (I have Bachelor, Master and Doctorate degrees). I have a good career, and I have been married more than half my life to the same man. I have no criminal record of any kind, and I haven't had so much as a traffic ticket in over 15 years. I am a contributing, normal member of society. I am someone my son and his adoptive family can be proud of. However, they are not proud of me and condemn me for my accomplishments, because my success makes them feel "less than." This makes me very sad, but ultimately, it is their problem that they did not lead a life they could be proud of.

When my son searched and found me, he DID "investigate" me. He searched out where I lived, made plans to drop in unexpectedly (but chickened out), and read my Internet profile which had been published by my firm on its web page. He knew all kinds of things about me. I had no problem when I found that out. In addition, if I had a public MySpace page, I would fully expect that anyone and everyone who wanted to could lurk all day long, and I wouldn't find it creepy at all. I would be flattered that they were interested. If I didn't want people to read my page, then I would either make it private or I wouldn't have one. Expecting members of the public not to read a public page is a bit ridiculous, IMO.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Do you think there are acceptable exceptions that trump a first parent's moral obligation to provide information to an adoptee?

First time I'm popping in on this one. To clarify your question...what kind of information are you referring to? Do mean anything they know, or contact info or medical history? Just wondering, before the answers start coming....

[thanksgivingmom]

With regards to the "creepy lurking on MS issue" I think it's the internet in general...I mean, how many of us can honestly say that we haven't spent time "googling" people from our past looking for info? Seeing what people are up to? If they're married, children, where they work, etc.? I know that I have.

I can't imagine that curiosity would somehow be turned off for someone that I physically brought into this world. Or likewise, that my daughter wouldn't have that curiosity to "google" (or any other search) me! I assume that if it's on the internet people can and will find it. That goes for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I suppose I really don't see the big deal in searching where you can...how is finding info on the internet more creepy than having a search angel find the info and deliver it to you? Adoptees and birthparents alike use search angels to find info on their bps/children all the time and we don't get accused of being creepy for doing that, so I'm not sure I see how one is so much worse than the other.

I'm not trying to be snarky or anything, seriously just trying to understand. Right now the only possibility in my particular situation would be for DD's Mom to find my myspace and if she did, so be it! Search around

[quantum]

I have NO problem with the idea that my son could 'spy' on me via the internet. Actually, pretty soon into reunion I told him about my previous marriages and so on, no secrets there. Frankly HE has been my biggest 'secret' in my life,and that one he absolutely knows about...
Now we actually are BOTH on facebook and friends. Some of my other relatives have started relationships with him because of that.

OK sorry, little off off topic that was.
If I'd known my son's name before, I would have googled him, if he'd had myspace, I would have checked on it. I don't think it's creepy. To me, creepiness comes in when you consider the intentions behind checking up on someone. For example, my ex-(abusive) hubby, stalking me online so that he can figure out where I live and then give me hang-up phonecalls IS creepy. A birthmother reading about her birthchilds accomplishments, and looking at pictures for her own piece of mind, I don't find that creepy at all.

I think it's more about the intentions behind gaining information and the intentions on how it's going to be used.
Anyone searching for things on the internet about me because they want to know about me and my life, that's ok. If they want to use it to try to hurt me in some way, that's not ok.

Does that make sense?

[quantum]

When talking with my son at different times I've mentioned an adoption forums that I've gotten support/advice etc from.
He said something about checking me out on adoption.com...
I got a momentary panic! Has he been reading about me here? Reading my posts and so on? Then after thinking about it, I felt like 'You know what, I pour my heart out here. He may not be ready for me to tell him these things, but if he makes the choice to read them, so be it. It's me. Take me or leave me.'
Then I offered to tell him my user name if he was really curious (I don't think he would have ever guessed it).

[agathaj]

I think bmothers should answer questions from adoptees ie bfather's name, reasons for relinquishment, medical history etc not matter if there is a relationship or not. I feel it's the adoptees right morally and it should be a legal right as well. I would feel a bit resentful if that was all my child wanted - information, facts and thats it but I believe it's everyone's right to know that information. I can't think of reasons not too - perhaps protecting someone else...protecting herself...not sure why or what sort of circumstances. Perhaps bmother thinks bchild would hate her?
If my bchild did find out all sorts of information about me well good on her, I don't imagine there's much out there of interest. Although I do have a very common name and when I google it I always laugh because people with my name have done so many things....She could get very confused as to if it was me or not...hmmm.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

First time I'm popping in on this one. To clarify your question...what kind of information are you referring to? Do mean anything they know, or contact info or medical history? Just wondering, before the answers start coming....

I guess I was thinking of information beyond the basics, with basics being family history and medical information and of course the identity and location of their first father, if they haven't already determined that. My son, his adoptive family and his wife have pumped me for information about EVERYTHING, about things that are extremely personal and which most mothers NEVER tell their children. I have answered all questions as best I can, but it has led to some very uncomfortable situations for me because they don't like what they hear (that my son's father date raped me, for example), and then the information is broadcasted and used in ways which are a breach of my confidentiality. I have answered the questions because I felt that my son deserved to know what he wanted/needed to know. However, I am honestly done answering any and all questions about anything personal. Quite frankly, they are not mature enough and ethical enough to handle any personal information that I give them. That was a very difficult realization to come too, but that is the situation I am stuck with. I will however continue to provide them with medical information as needed, although even that will probably come from my Mother.

And just for clarification, my son is almost 30 years old. This is no teenager I am talking about.

[lonni]

"I can't imagine that curiosity would somehow be turned off for someone that I physically brought into this world. Or likewise, that my daughter wouldn't have that curiosity to "google" (or any other search) me! I assume that if it's on the internet people can and will find it. That goes for the good, the bad, and the ugly." TGMOM said.

I agree. I certainly hope my Mother would love me and be interested in whether I was okay or not okay instead of NO INTEREST at all.

[bumblebeeskies]

I am a big time cyber snoop! Since my bmom decided to be so secretive and not even tell me who my bio father was, what choice did I have? I not only found him, but a picture of him. I also found my bio aunt and bio brother.

If I had already known these things, I doubt I would've had such a strong urge to snoop. I have occasionally felt creepy, but what else can I do? Better to look them up on the internet, than show up at their house!

[crick]

Isabo - beyond the medical facts, names of bfamily, general info, I don't feel there's a moral obligation to answer very personal questions. Some I can see answering, if it has to do with their past. But some..as you said, there are things that you just don't tell your kids or anyone really.

I mean that's just rude, imo. I would NEVER ask my kids' bmom about some things I'm obviously very curious about, but these things are just not my business nor my right to have.

I'm sure my kids might ask some personal questions (why did you choose drugs over me? might be one) but that doesn't mean they'll get an answer they like or acceptable to them. Life's hard that way at times.

As for his family to divulge private details to others or use against you...uh uh...not cool and that would be more than enough for me to not divulge anymore info if they ask you. Just because you relinquished does not mean you are at their every whim, so by all means..."I'm sorry, why do you ask?" might be your answer the next time they ask.

[agathaj]

bumblebee - good on you. I don't think you are snooping. I would find out as much as possible too before meeting someone face-to-face in a reunion. BTW divorce is tough/emotional etc on teenagers but that doesn't stop many parents from going through with it. So why is contact with a first parent too much? I would have thought that divorce would be way, way tougher..

[txrnr]

I'm an adoptee who has also used the internet to learn more about my birthmother and her family. I'm glad to see most of the bmom's here would not be insulted or angered by that. It's been a cool way to feel a bit more connected to them, without creating an intrusion.

I have a MS page, and it's private. While I understand the weird feeling mentioned by a strange (to the child) adult looking at a teen's page, I have no issues when it's adults involved. Of course, those are just my feelings and in no way to I claim I'm right, just how I feel. Then again, I rarely look at any of my student's pages who I'm "friends" with on MS. It just seems like an invasion even though I've been invited. It's the whole age difference an all. I do understand a bparent's curiosity, and don't know if in your shoes I could resist either.

I'm also careful what I write here. It would be my luck my bmom is also on here, and if we ever reunite, she'd look up everything I said and be offended by most of it. I try to remember who may be looking at this, even though I'm sure I've stumbled plenty.