[bmomto2_momto2]

I am new here and hope not to ramble too much, but I need some solace and support from others who can understand my pain. I gave birth to a wonderful son in 1989. At the time of his birth I had a son who was just 14 months old. I lived with the father of both children. Just a few short days later he left me. I was home with both of these children when my neworn stopped breathing twice and had to be rushed to the hospital. I was a single 18 year old and had Medicaid. I asked the doctors if he was asthmatic as it runs rampant through my family...including me. I was assured he did not have it and he was diagnosed as having sleep apnea and placed on a monitor. Upon taking him home, he didn't thrive. He spent the majority of his waking hours screaming and crying. He could only be calmed by me and only by me holding him and walking the floor with him. He would only sleep an average of 2 hours in any 24 hour period and only in increments of 15 to 20 minutes here and there. I was exhausted. When he was about 7 months old I made the most difficult decision in my life. I removed both of my children from my care. My plan was to have family members take one or both of the boys and keep them until I could get myself better prepared to care for them. My oldest son was gladly taken by his paternal grandparents. No one in my family or his father's family felt that they were prepared to handle my youngest son though. Finally one night in desperation and exhaustion I call DCFS and told them I could do this no longer. They came immediately and took my youngest son. I told them right away that I knew it could take a long time before they would deem me okay to have my son back and I did not want him to go from foster home to foster so I knew I would be placing him for adoption. I was assigned a caseworker and when he was just 9 months old me and his father were in a courthouse relinquishing our paternal rights. We were not allowed to help pick out his aparents at all. That child turned 18 last year. My state laws do not allow for search and reunion withouth the aparents consent until he is 21. I started searching for a way for the agency to contact the aparents last year to seek permission for contact. They could not find the family. I was excited last week when I had contact from an agency worker requesting I contact them. This was a new "volunteer" with the agency and she was going to try to find them again. She had them found in less than 24 hours! However, the afather stated they did not think it was a good time in my son's life (he turns 19 in a little over a week) to initiate contact. He gave some very brief information about my son to be passed on to me. He would not agree to allow me to have a picture of him either (not even from grade school). I do know that 2 weeks after he was adopted, he was diagnosed with severe asthma and allergies. I am married to my son's father now for almost 16 years and did regain custody of our oldest son in 1991. I am an emotional wreck and there are no local support groups. Hoping to find some support here. My husband doesn't even understand as he only spent the first 2 days of our son's life with him. He never knew him and bonded with him. I did. He feels that I am just upsetting myself more by looking around these websites (he is not a very emotional person but he is a very good person). Thanks for listening.

[BrandyHagz]

My state laws do not allow for search and reunion withouth the aparents consent until he is 21

No! This isn't true! The law in your state (and several others) indicates that the STATE will not release information or assist in the search until the child is 21. It is NOT saying you can't search or reunite.

The child is 18 - and while you have been courtious enough to involve the adoptive parents - the plan truth is that this child is now an adult and should be allowed to make this decision on his own.

It’s very possible that his parents are acting in his best interest – or not. You would be well within your rights (and well within the boundaries of the law) to make direct contact, should you want to.

I’m not saying you should – especially in light of the response you’ve gotten – but I did want to correct the misinformation that it is not ‘allowed’ – because as two adults, you’re allowed to contact/have contact with each other as much or as little (or none at all) as possible…unless there were some type of restraining order in place.

Adoption severs your right to be a parent – it does not sever your right to contact the child you placed to see if they are interested in contact, once they reach the age of 18.

As for the states that specify the age of 21 in their laws with regards to offering services to the triad – it’s silly, in my opinion.

[bmomto2_momto2]

Brandy

Thanks for the corrected information. I have always believed that I was not able to do anything about finding him until he was 21. I was provided information tha the has been very sick off and on throughout his life and has had many struggles. I would like to get him a letter, while respecting the aparents wishes to some degree, just to explain the circumstances of his adoption. Do you know of any place to get information to help any search effort I might want to do on my own.

[Jackiejdajda]

bmomto2_momto2

Upon taking him home, he didn't thrive. He spent the majority of his waking hours screaming and crying. He could only be calmed by me and only by me holding him and walking the floor with him. He would only sleep an average of 2 hours in any 24 hour period and only in increments of 15 to 20 minutes here and there. I was exhausted.

And you were 18 years old..
I remember when I had my second born ten years after I gave my son up for adoption and she had colic..
I used to think it was my fault.. my mother in law visited and she told me I was eating the wrong food.. and it was a terrible negative time for me..
A sick baby is something that is beyond difficult..

When he was about 7 months old I made the most difficult decision in my life. I removed both of my children from my care. My plan was to have family members take one or both of the boys and keep them until I could get myself better prepared to care for them. My oldest son was gladly taken by his paternal grandparents. No one in my family or his father's family felt that they were prepared to handle my youngest son though. Finally one night in desperation and exhaustion I call DCFS and told them I could do this no longer. They came immediately and took my youngest son.

You made sure your baby was okay.. I honor you for that..

I was excited last week when I had contact from an agency worker requesting I contact them. This was a new "volunteer" with the agency and she was going to try to find them again. She had them found in less than 24 hours! However, the afather stated they did not think it was a good time in my son's life (he turns 19 in a little over a week) to initiate contact. He gave some very brief information about my son to be passed on to me.

I am a birthmom that belongs to the camp that believes that we need to respect everyone in reunion.. The adoptive parents may have issues or they may be speaking total truth.. who knows.. but.. the son or daughter is in the family of the ones that adopted he or she..
That family unit needs to be respected..

He would not agree to allow me to have a picture of him either (not even from grade school). I do know that 2 weeks after he was adopted, he was diagnosed with severe asthma and allergies.

And you were not equipped to take care of him.. and you knew it.. and you gave him into a better situation..

My husband doesn't even understand as he only spent the first 2 days of our son's life with him. He never knew him and bonded with him. I did. He feels that I am just upsetting myself more by looking around these websites (he is not a very emotional person but he is a very good person).

The only way out is through.. to me.. closing off the emotions of giving a baby up for adoption cause problems..
And now you have a reunion over the horizon.. and being solid in self.. emotionally stable will help you in the reunion..
Give you a chance to have a successful reunion.. giving everyone the respect they deserve..

If we do our grief work and if we are able to stand solid in self.. IMO we can see what is happening to the person we are reuniting with.. see and then act accordingly and not force the person (or ourselves) into situations or emotions that they can not handle..

Jackie