[julie23]

in another thread.... as often happens here... there is that never ending discussion of what to call the woman whose uterus you grew in....

i don't recall a discussion on our forum about what we call that now grown baby who grew in our womb....

son? daughter?

i am not being sarcastic.... but in all honesty, it has been something i have struggled with since i met her when she was 18 (4 years ago)

up until that day, i thought of her as my daughter.... 100% my daughter....

yet... meeting this total stranger.... she did not look like my daughter... she did not feel like my daughter... we did not connect like mothers and daughters do...

looking at her, she was her amom's daughter.... she is every bit her amom....

so... i grappled with it... and i got chastised here... when i tried to say i love her differently than i love my other daughters...because most birthmoms swear they love all their children the same... including the 22 year old stranger... or the 40 year old stranger...

but i am finally finding some peace with it all... my daughters are my daughters because we have a relationship...

we have the mother daughter relationship... and there is something sacred about that...

and i do not have it with this genetically linked stranger.

what do i call her, then? the stranger who hates me that came from my uterus?

julie

[Suziebearhugs]

I understand how you could love your children differently. I don't think you should be chasitzed for that.

For some love is something based on a relationship or a connection.

If you feel like you have no real connection/relationship than how can you feel you love her the same as the children you have parented and built that strong bond with?

I can understand where the confusion would come as to what to call her. I say what ever you feel most comfortable with is what is probably best for your situation. Maybe just her name will due for now until your relationship has a chance to grow into something more friendly/close.

[paigeturner]

I’m actually very glad that you posted this, because I was just getting ready to post a similar thought on the other thread.

On this forum, I’ve seen “those of us who placed children” referred to as birth-moms, b-moms, natural moms, first moms, bio moms, tummy lady, birth lady, carrier and egg donor/uterus. I refer to “the child I placed” on this forum as my birth son as a way to identify who I’m speaking about to the reader.

Julie your post resonated with me, even though I have yet to be reunited. He is a stranger to me – jeesh, we may not like each other at all! Still, while referring to him as my “birth son” seems a little weird – if I knew his name I’d call him by that - I would never disrespect him as a human being by referring to him as something other than a complete person. I’m going to take some of the above terms that make me cringe when I read them and add the counterpart in my perspective…I mean no disrespect.

Tummy lady = tummy boy
Birth lady = birth kid
Natural lady = nature boy
Carrier = disease
Egg donor/uterus = lump of cells

I can’t imagine anyone referring to “the child I placed” as “Tummy Boy” or “Slide into first, lump-o”….

Outrageous? YES!

But, when I read these types of titles, I try to just go with the flow and imagine that we all have to use identifiers when telling our stories.

But, if “the child I placed” refers to me as an egg donor/uterus, it makes me wonder why I spent those months getting excellent pre-natal care, exercise, nutrition, I read to him (Shakespeare no less), danced a lot (so he’d be blessed with my excellent sense of rhythm), gave him a running commentary on politics and art and told him I loved him everyday (but also let him know he was only on loan to me). Why would I do all these things and endure the pain of his loss for a lump of cells? Why?

[jwmjwm]

Ouch. I think this really hits at my deepest fears regarding my first mother - that she didn't/doesn't love me like a daughter, that I'm just a "genetically linked stranger" to her, that if she met me she might be disappointed and not want to know me. Because I'm not that three-week-old baby anymore that she loved (I believe).

I'd like to think my first mother calls me her "daughter," but the truth is, she probably doesn't call me anything at all. She hasn't told anyone about me, as far as I know (and refused contact with me a few years ago for that reason). I'd love it if she could know my name, and call me that.

[SchmennaLeigh]

....Her name.

[Mommy24]

When speaking of him here I call him my birth son, when speaking of him on my blog I call him M and when speaking of him to people I know I call him my son whom I placed. In my heart he is MY son and will always be MY son, but then I have other children who have fathers and they are still MY KIDS..LOL

Yes my son has another mom, but he is mine as well, without me he would not be who he is genetically.As for loving him the same as I love my parented children, well I love them all but I love them in different ways for different reasons but still love them with all of my heart.

[soprano]

I'm sorry, JWM.

When talking to someone about her, I refer to M as my daughter. She doesn't come to see me, so I've never had to introduce her to my friends/acquaintances. If that ever were to happen, I would introduce her by her name. She introduces me as her birthmom.

[Oceans]

I know what you are saying... It's hard being in love with a memory. I can't tell you how many times I looked back and questioned if it really happened. I always allowed myself the luxury of calling him my son. Yes, that was a luxury b/c most people in my life had to be convinced by me he actually was....

IRL... I will call him by his name. In my heart, he will always be my son. He is the only child I will ever have by birth so I have nothing to compare it to. Maybe that is the one bright spot of infertility (for me at least).

Paige: I totally get what you are saying. As much as I love my son, if I ever heard those words from him in a disrespectful manner, I would set him straight on how that made me feel. He may be angry but until he knows my story, he needs to be respectful.... Even if he said them in a respectful way, I would correct him... In a second.

jwmjwm: Not sure who's post you are referring to but maybe it was Julies? I dont want to speak for her but i can give you my thoughts on

if she met me she might be disappointed and not want to know me. Because I'm not that three-week-old baby anymore that she loved (I believe)

I can't describe how I feel suddenly seeing a 26 year old man instead of the 3 day infant I kissed goodbye. Just know I accept and love him even more today. The progression is hard tho... I read somethings he said on the Internet. I was taken back that he knew how to write (he's 26). I'm sane, I'm logical but this stuff is mind boggling beyond my wildest imagination.

Hard to describe really... I want reunion enough to work on this now, but there have been times in my life I know it would have been too much.

((Hugs)) Hang in there... I don't know your story enough to know if that even helped Hope it did..

[jwmjwm]

Thanks, soprano and Oceans. I was referring to the OP.

Thanks for sharing your experience, Oceans. It does help. What's hard for me is that I can't ask my first mother how she feels about things, so it really helps to hear from you and others. It helps me understand how things might be for her, though I know everyone is different.

[RavenSong]

I posted on another thread several months ago my feelings on this issue. At the risk of boring everyone to tears, I'll repeat myself. My son was, is, and always will be just that...my son. He is not my "birthson", he is my son...the child of my body, the child of my heart, the child of my soul. I may not be his mother in the world's eyes, but he is my son. Always was, always will be...

Our eighteen years in reunion have seen some major up's and down's, that's for sure. But even during the worst of times, I've always considered him my son. I don't know ~ maybe it has something to do with the fact that we reunited when he was only 18 y/o.

I have always told other people about him...he was never a secret, although I'm sure some people in my family wished at times that I would forget him. I mostly call him by his name when speaking to him, but I also call him "son" in letters and emails. I introduce him to other people as my son because that is who he is to me.

[JustPeachy]

My son is my son. I will sometimes use bson on this forum if it needs to be worded that way for clarity. When referring to him in conversation, I refer to him as my son, or refer to him by his first name. If we get to meet someday, I will ask him how he would like me to refer to him, for instance, if we are out somewhere and I need to introduce him to someone else. I'd like to be able to refer to him as my son as well as by his first name, but he may not be comfortable with that. In which case, I would introduce him by his first name only. I don't expect him to think of me or refer to me as his mom, unless he would like to. However, if he thought of me as an egg donor, tummy lady, birth lady, womb lady, walking uterus, incubator, or any other such term, I would be appalled! I may not have parented him, but I did mother him in a nurturing way for 9 months, as I took my prenatal care very seriously, ate healthy foods, did not smoke or drink during my pregnancy, got proper rest, bonded with him in utero, etc. After birthing him, I held him and fed him in the hospital. I saw him as much as I could in the few days I got to be with him. I loved him then and have always loved him. I will never claim the title of parent, but for a time, I was his only mother, forever I am his birthmother, and nothing can change that. To me, he will always be my son.

[paigeturner]

Peachy,

You managed to say what I was trying to with so much eloquence and grace (I always have to add a touch of snark...). Since I don't know his first name it's always difficult. How about Womb Woman? I heard that one once too...

[Nicole28]

I am quite confident that my biological mother never ever mentions me - - my theory is that after hiding out for 9 months and traveling to a different city to give birth and subsequently relinquishing, she went back to her old life and never, ever mentioned me. I am very sure that she is married & has children but that her husband - and definitely not her children [my half-siblings!] have NO idea about me.

If I met her & she called me her daughter, I would feel uncomfortable, yes.

In her head, when she thinks of me on birthdays or when she is alone and having a quiet moment, do I think that she says to herself "I wonder where my daughter is now?" I don't know.

If we were in reunion, I'd be at a loss as to what I'd want her to introduce me as - hearing her say "Oh, this is my daughter Nicole" would make me SO uncomfortable. I'd prefer to not be labeled as such, and I don't feel badly about that.

[paigeturner]

Nicole,

I don't know your story, however i hope if my child knows that I was sent away to "hide and then give birth" by my family when I found myself pregnent that he takes into consideration the times and my family's religion and doesn't hold it against me. In my case, it wasn't my choice, it was painful and lonely and I wouldn't relive it for anything.

I could be that by calling him my "son" I would make him uncomfortable...since I don't know his name, I'm not sure how to refer to him. "The guy who once occupied space in my uterus?" Confusing...until I know his name, I'll refer to him here as my child or birth son...

[thanksgivingmom]

For me there is a difference between thinking of DD as my daughter and introducing her as one. We are in an open adoption and I don't imagine doing that one day. If she would like it then I will embrace that, but if she prefers I call her just by her name, I will absolutely do that.

Nicole, I'm not sure why you're so confident that your birthmother never ever mentions you. I too hid my pregnancy for nine months and gave birth alone. Although I didn't grow up in the era of "don't ever talk about it and just move on" - it's possible that your birthmother has shared this information, perhaps with her husband, trusted friends, or other family.

I can't imagine any other language that I would even be able to use when thinking about my daughter other than "my daughter" - or of course her name, however others are not as fortunate as I to know thier child's name, so I certainly don't know how they would proceed....