[Emberbit]

Baby and I left the hospital together about 30 hours after delivery. The SW and I took baby to the a-parents hotel and the a-parents headed home afterwards. They came back today so I could see the baby again before I signed the TPR papers.

We discovered that baby will still nurse and so far, I’m doing okay with pumping. I told the a-parents that I couldn’t commit to it for a full year, that I wouldn’t even commit to pumping for any definite period of time…but that I’d try and see how it goes. They assured me that there’s “no pressure” to continue but they would like breast milk for as long as I feel able to provide it. Part of me wants to ask, “Haven’t I given you enough?” But really, it’s all for baby and doesn’t she deserve the best start I can give?

The TPR papers seemed anti-climactic. I continued to be calm and sure of my decision through the hospital stay and this last week. I signed and didn’t cry. After the papers were done, we went out to lunch and spent the afternoon together. I nursed baby when she was hungry; the a-parents soothed her with rocking and clean diapers when hunger wasn’t the problem. And I watched them load baby in her car seat and go home an hour ago. I didn’t cry.

I don’t feel like crying at all. I feel too calm. Where is the storm of emotions I was expecting? Or the numbness of depression? I’ve dealt with depression before…I don’t feel numb or depressed.

So when do the emotions start? Are they something that kicks in a little later? I expected to feel really broken up and bad and then gradually feel better…but I don’t feel bad now and I’m worried about when those emotions will hit. When can I expect them? Will I get some sort of warning? Is there something wrong with me that I’m not currently a puddle of tears?

[quantum]

Wow! kudos to you for pumping!

As far as the emotions go, everyone is different. It could take days, weeks, years, or maybe you'll never have that rush you expected.

Your body is really a mass of hormones right now. Remember that!

Hang in there. There is nothing wrong with you!

[belleinblue1978]

Emotions are different for everyone. I was a bawling mess at my TPR. I cried like a baby in front of the judge, my son had been with his mom and dad for six months at that point.

Don't worry about how you feel, just feel it. For me things hit about a month after my son was released from the hospital. I have experienced more anger than anything I think. Anger is easier for me, I can turn into positives stuff like a clean house.

I wish there was a manual for this, to give us some guidelines, but you just do what you have to.

Good for you for pumping. If you can't keep doing it though, don't. You are allowed to protect yourself sometimes too..... my mom always reminds me of that.

[RavenSong]

As the other posters have said, everybody is different when it comes to emotions. Like you, I didn't cry at all when I signed the relinquishment papers. I didn't feel much of anything at all. I went home, and I still didn't cry. I just had a feeling of resignation, I guess a kind of stoicism.

For the first several years, I was always surprised at my lack of emotion. I thought I was just handling the adoption well. Boy, was I wrong! A few years after relinquishing my son, the emotions came floodiing out of me. It was then that I realized I had actually been numb for those years. I wasn't handling it well at all, I was just dissociating the pain and grief. I remember reading "Lost and Found" by Betty Jean Lifton. She talks a lot about the emotional numbness that some birthmothers experience. Well, somewhere in the middle of the book, she said that if you were a birthmom and you had read this far into the book, you were probably starting to "unnumb". And then she said, sorry, but you'll never be able to go back into that numb space again. She was so right...I never was able to go back to that unemotional space again.

[Oceans]

I agree. It OK to feel what you are feeling. You may break down at some point, you may not. Everyone is different. I cried the night before TPR like I had never cried before. Then, I didn't cry at TPR, or when I left him, or when I went home. Now that I think about it, I don't remember crying after that (am sure I did but..)

I remember crying more as I got older... But my adoption was closed from the get go.

Not crying doesn't mean you don't care, it doesn't mean anything...

The end of the pregnancy (when you have made an adoption plan) is also a new beginning, or at least a return to some place of normalcy. You may just be processing that for the time being.... Don't worry, and please do not feel bad about it.

[taramayrn]

Whatever you are feeling that is normal. I think I was pretty numb at the time of the birth and signing of TPR. I didn't cry until our entrustment ceremony and when we all said goodbye before leaving the hospital. Then I didn't stop crying for a week I'm sure. I have felt guilty for many years that I didn't cry when T was born, but I have to learn to let that go. As someone else posted just because you didn't cry doesn't mean you didn't care.
Remember your experience is your experience, your emotions are your emotions and that's normal.
Take care....

[lahdh4]

I didn't cry either when we signed the TPR papers. Infact my ex was cracking jokes and I remember the agency worker making a comment about how calm we were. It didn't last. It took me a few days and then I was a basket case.
Just take care of yourself.