[Emberbit]

So I’m matched finally…and I’m confident in the match and the couple is great...supporting my desire to nurse in hospital and room-in with baby and my assorted other wishes. They want more contact that I do btu I know that will even out and doesn’t need to be set in stone.

We’ve had several weekend get-togethers in the past few months and I invited the possible a-mom to come to an OB appointment with me because my usual support person could not go and this late in the pregnancy, I feel better having someone along in case they send me over to the hospital for additional monitoring.

After the appointment, we had brunch. Then the p-a-mom drove home and I went to work. We both post on a certain message board…and she posted an OB appointment update before I got a chance to.

I’m upset. I feel that the pregnancy stuff is mine and I should get to share, you know? I don’t want her to post the birth story either if she’s there for the delivery (the tentative plan is she’ll be there, I want her there). That’s mine. I’m sure she won’t want me posting baby updates later….because those are hers. I guess it wouldn’t matter if we didn’t post on the same board…but we do…and we share a set of online friends on those boards.

I need to tell her that I’m upset and make it clear that future OB updates are mine to post…and I’d like to post my delivery story first (then she can add her perspective. Maybe I’m over-reacting. It’s such a small thing…but if I don’t tell her that I’m upset, I think it will make it that much harder down the line to tell her something’s bothering me, you know?

Any suggestions for how to discuss it?

[keds]

Emberbit - be open, honest and just tell her - point blank. Tell her that you're happy to share your experiences in advance but you would like to post your comments on the board first and she can add hers afterwards (if you're ok with that). I suppose she might just be so thankful and excited that she simply hasn't thought about it and, without you telling her she might not ever do so. Best wishes.

[Rondidondi]

I agree with keds.
Just explain that you know she excited, but you would like to share pregnancy and labor issues first. - She probably was just so excited to be apart of your appointment.
Let her know that you intend to let her post first once she has the child in her custody.

[Oceans]

I agree with Keds... She probably didn't think about it and would rather you tell her so she doesn't make the mistake again. You sound like you are off to a great start in this relationship. Just be honest, be yourself and you will be fine.

Do you talk more on the phone or by email? I am horrible at this type of stuff so I might email a light note. She'll get the point.

[kelceesmom]

Amom here and I would appreciate you letting me know that you would prefer to post first about all the happenings. I wouldn't want you to get even more upset down the road with something that could have been prevented by you just being honest with me from the get go.

You aren't being mean about it just letting her know your feelings on this situation.

[portlowski]

Hi..amom here just adding my voice to say yes, by all means tell her your feelings.

You have expressed that you want her support right now and it sounds like you have a good relationship. I don't want to butt in too much but I would suggest thinking about drawing some boundaries right now. You are still going to need some unpressured time with your baby after the birth, no matter how firm you are in your decision right now. I hope I am not overstepping here...but despite your desire to build this relationship (completely understandable) you also want to make sure you don't get into a situation where you feel beholden to the potential adoptive parents should your feelings change after the baby's birth.

All the best to you!

[belleinblue1978]

Just tell her how you feel. You're right, the pregnancy and birth are your stories, you are allowing her to be there, which is nice of you, but if you want to share those stories, you need to tell her that.

I won't tell my son's parents about the night he was born. That is mine with him, they get all his other firsts, I want to tell him that first. They were hurt when I told them that the first time, then I think they understood.

Set some boundaries now. Have you written a birthing plan? You need to so that everything is very clear and no feelings are hurt during the birth.

[Emberbit]

I've sent her a quick light email asking that she let me post my own pregnancy updates in the future as I'm sure she'll want to post the baby updates herself.

I sat down and did a birth plan...and sent it to her. She made comments on it, asked questions to clarify and sent it back. Mostly, we did clarify that if she's going to be there as labor support, she has to be labor support and not trying to be "mommy" just yet. Her main request in my birth plan was to either allow them to save the cord blood or to donate it.

We've decided (with the SW & lawyer in agreement) not to even disuss the placement with the hospital. I'm nursing and rooming-in. The a-parents will be there some of the time but not all of the time and they will not be spending the night. Baby and I will be leaving the hospital together with the SW driving and will be meeting the a-parents at their hotel to give them the baby. The SW says that if I decide at the last minute that I would prefer to go home with baby, instead of taking baby to the hotel, she'll drive us home instead.

I plan to pump post-birth for a few weeks (there are health benefits) and the a-parents have offered to rent the pump if I'll send the milk to them. We're still discussing this but it is a good start for the baby so I'm considering. Has anyone had experience with this?

[Rondidondi]

I do have experience pumping for my son while he was at the PAPs.
You will need strength, hun! You will wake up at night because you are engorged and will need to pump. It will be hard to face the fact that you have a pump attached to your breasts instead of your baby.
It's not impossible though and one of the most wonderful gifts you can give your child. To have your child know later on in life that you really wanted the best for her/him. They'll know you pulled out your heart every 2hrs to pump, so you could provide the best food for them.
My only warning is...adoption is emotional enough and to add this, will be adding more emotion. You will truely be giving yourself to your child. THAT IS LOVE!
Good luck and when the time comes and you may need someone to talk to - PM me I will be there for you!

[Rondidondi]

I just wanted to add that you may want to contact the lactation nurse at you hospital. Get advice from her.
Inform her that you plan on nursing in the hospital, but will be switching to bottle feeding at discharge. I believe you will want to nurse and pump in the hospital to supply breastmilk upon discharge to the PAPs. Your other option would be to suppliment with formula until you have a supply of breastmilk.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

I've sent her a quick light email asking that she let me post my own pregnancy updates in the future as I'm sure she'll want to post the baby updates herself.

I sat down and did a birth plan...and sent it to her. She made comments on it, asked questions to clarify and sent it back. Mostly, we did clarify that if she's going to be there as labor support, she has to be labor support and not trying to be "mommy" just yet. Her main request in my birth plan was to either allow them to save the cord blood or to donate it.

We've decided (with the SW & lawyer in agreement) not to even disuss the placement with the hospital. I'm nursing and rooming-in. The a-parents will be there some of the time but not all of the time and they will not be spending the night. Baby and I will be leaving the hospital together with the SW driving and will be meeting the a-parents at their hotel to give them the baby. The SW says that if I decide at the last minute that I would prefer to go home with baby, instead of taking baby to the hotel, she'll drive us home instead.

I plan to pump post-birth for a few weeks (there are health benefits) and the a-parents have offered to rent the pump if I'll send the milk to them. We're still discussing this but it is a good start for the baby so I'm considering. Has anyone had experience with this?

It sounds like you are establishing a really great foundation for a healthy relationship with this other family, if you choose to place your child with them. I am late (as usual) but was coming back here after reading yesterday and thinking about this to encourage you to say something honestly to the prospective parent because these decision, and you being able to express what you want and need in your relationship, is the core of making it work, if you choose to place your child. And I hope that by being able to make THESE decisions ~ decisions only YOU should make...I get tired of the situations where those looking to adopt think they have any say in the matter ~ that when you have to finally make your decision about whether you place your child in another family or parent him/her yourself, you will feel free to make that decision, and not even think twice about anything but what you as your child's mother needs to do.

I have to say that I really appreciate how you are being honest and stating what you want. You are not asking...you are saying this is what I need. Are you blogging this, or keeping a journal of your decision making process? I know that this is oh so very personal but what an amazing resource your story would be REGARDLESS of your decision to place or parent. It saddens me so often when I hear of those who placed their child and didn't feel empowered to ask for what they wanted or needed while they were expecting. Your story shows someone who has taken control of the whole decision, and there seems to be honesty in your relationship with the prospective parent and in the end, I hope you are able to make the decision that works for you and your child.

As for the breastfeeding, I have an amom friend who is parenting a newborn and her child's other Mom is pumping for the baby. PM me if you are interested in getting in touch with her and I'll see if she's interested.

Blessings on this journey... and (((((Hugs)))))