[bajj]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Thanks guys - This was my topic of conversation with myself when I woke up at 3AM. He and I have a lifetime to build a relationship - I just want to start off on the right foot with his parents.

So, as far as being the gift, LOLOL let's hope his parents think so!! I am probably not giving them the credit they deserve. I'm not 17 anymore, I'm not someone to be pitied because I am in "trouble", and I certainly pose no threat to the relationship that they've had 26 years to establish.

I'm glad you realize that and hope that they do, too.

[One_Happy_Momma]

[quote=Oceans]

I have 2 manila envelopes from his birthfather. One is addressed to our son, the other is to his adoptive parents.
[quote]

Both envelopes do not belong to him, only one is addressed to him, the other one is addressed to his adoptive parents, and IMO should be given to his parents, not him. To give him both envelopes would be to undermine the decision of his bfather. Would you like that done to you?

[Oceans]

To give him both envelopes would be to undermine the decision of his bfather. Would you like that done to you?

You know that's a good question. I would also like to think that he would not have written anything that couldn't be seen by his son - but that I don't know.

I thought about this and here's what will probably happen. If I got a name today (oh please mailman!), and was able to locate him tomorrow, I would write my son a letter. If he responds, I will contact his bdad to let him & his wife know. No one needs to be blindsided even tho I know they are both open to reunion. I can get bdads contact info quickly if I needed. Bdad can make the decision to use the old info (both packets to son only) or send new info, either directly or thru me (this once only).

What I will not be, is the filter for their contact. They can do that themselves. I also will not deliver mail to the aparents directly. If bdad wishes to do that - again his business.

OK - Now I'm thinking out loud. I appreciate the question tho... It helped me think through some boundries I need to set early on with bdad (if appropriate)...

Now just pray that by some miracle I get a name

[belleinblue1978]

Oceans,

It may not be addressed to his adoptive parents, but he can certainly be the one to give it to them.

You are the one that wants to establish contact not the first dad. So there you go... you give him what you have. Your son is an adult and can pass the information along.

[kakuehl]

Oceans, my personal thought is to check with bfather and check what he wants to do. Unfortunately, F's bdad died in 2000 so he will never meet D. I asked him once, years ago what he'd want me to tell D if D found me. J told me he'd trust my judgment... I wish I had a letter to D from his bdad to share with him.

[zxczxcasdasd]

No advice...just wanted to say that it's great you're being so thoughtful: seeking input but making your own judgment.

I hope that whatever you bring/don't bring, pass along/don't pass along, your son and his aparents will be as open and considerate and eager to connect with you as you are with them. I hope everything goes well: for you, your son, his parents, your family, bdad and his family...everyone.

Do keep us updated!

[loveajax]

Oceans, I just want to wish you luck!!

I'm sorry if I missed this but do you have his contact information? What is a "CI" (an intermediary)? This is exciting!

I think if you hear from your son, you should return the letters to his bdad to do with what he wishes. (Men! Always having us do their dirty work).

I know SIL found her birth mom when SIL was around the same age as your son.....My inlaws got to meet her as well and it was apparently an amazing experience (SIL's birth mom died of brain cancer shortly thereafter...so sad). I know people think a parents tend to want to "interfere" with reunions or are afraid of them, etc., but I haven't found that to be the case with my ILs. (I don't know other a parents at the reunion stage!).

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[Oceans]

Thanks everyone - You guys did make me think and I will contact birthdad IF I get any ID info. He is a good guy and I know he misses his son too. I cringe to think about having to use a Confidential Intermediary (CI) because it irks me to have anyone speak for me - in any situation. Well, that's what I'd be doing to birthdad so yeah... not good. He can make up his own mind as to what he wants me to do with the envelopes - and my son can make up his own mind to accept them - or contact birthdad on own...

As for his parents, I'll just wait and see. Deep down I have to believe they are great people. Why worry otherwise until I know for sure. I'll deal with it when the time comes...

FOR SURE... You will all know what happens I think accidental misses of names usually happen to the adoptee's vrs the birthmoms but you never know...
One step at a time. Thanks again for the support!

LA: I am waiting to get my non-id info and put in a few vague lines about needing a first name as verification for a possible reunion (could be considered a white lie in some circles - like my Priest's LOL - but technically true!) - We have a great CI service where I live - claim 100% success but I am 50/50 on going that route. It may end up being my only option for contact however. Or I just may wait it out another few years... We'll see I guess... He's young and men usually seek contact more in their 30's..

[Scatterbrain]

Oceans,
As an adopted mom I can say if it was my children's first mom contacting I would very much consider you to be the gift that you bring. I spend many nights holding my children and drying their tears as they mourn the loss of their first mom and the many unanswered questions. They were all adopted as infants and all feel a void and a need to know their first mother. I know that this is not about me, but about my children and their first love. They are all happy and well and loved. As the amom I feel anxiety too about the meeting. I very much need their first moms to know that I did all that I promised and they had a good life.
We talk about what questions they would ask and what they would like to share. We talk about what their first-moms look like and what parts of them they think they got from her and what part are they like me.
I can tell you too that I will be excited for them when that day comes, but I will also feel a little self-conscious and have a need to be accepted by their first-moms as well, even though I know their reunion is about their bond and their need to connect. I feel a closeness to my children's firstmoms.
I hope you and your son find each other and continue the relationship that began 26 yrs. ago. I hope after that reunion that you and his amom can sit down and share all that you both have dreamed for him over these last years and find a lasting friendship.

[Oceans]

Scatter - That made me feel GREAT! Thanks. It's crazy - this thing called closed adoption...