[j11221144]

I am really torn. I placed a set of twins up for adoption a 3 yrs ago and while I love the adoptive parents I am not in favor of how they are handling the twins. They are NOT abusing them in any way I just disagree with their choices of how to handle certian physical limitations of one of the twins. The twins were adopted at the age of 1 due to financial circumstances I was dealing with. It was my choice and I know I did what was right at the time, but now I am having second thoughts. I know I am horrible for even thinking of wanting to upset their world and attempt to get them back (if I even can) but I just cannot shake the feeling I need to. Do I even have any rights? Or should I just ignore the feelings that I don't agree with what the birthpatents are doing and reminder myself I was the one who approved the open adoption? For 2 years I have wanted to undo the adoption and I have not wanted to take the children out of their home. Please- advice! Another part of my says to never even think of attempting to undo the adoption and just give some well worded advice but I do not think it will be received well at all by the adopted mother. I just ache for the twin that I believe is having too much pressure put on her by the mother (who seems to be very negative about her physical limitation) and I know this negativity is effecting the 4 yr old. I cry nightly just wishing I could help her through this in a positive way. It's true, I have never stopping loving or wanting them.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would assume that two years later you have already signed that Termination of Parental Rights and the adoption has been finalized. You likely have no recourse unless you can prove duress which, in your case, doesn't sound like the issue.

These are the chances we take when we relinquish our children for adoption. Disrupting their home now would be worse than whatever mishandling is going on (which you mentioned is not abuse). (If it was abuse, I'd have a different post but, it's not and therefore I don't.)

[JustPeachy]

I'm not against OA, but one of the difficulties I see with it is just what you are going through--that you will be seeing how your children are raised, and if you don't agree with it, there is little or nothing you can do. It must be terribly frustrating and very difficult. I get the feeling from what you are writing that you have an urge to "co-parent." I would have felt the same way if I had an OA (I had a semi-open as OA was not yet available when I placed).

You say you love the adoptive parents. I was going to suggest trying to express your concerns without overstepping any boundaries or attacking their parenting, but you already feel the amom would not take this well. I agree, it's a sticky situation. Have you tried to talk with a counselor to see how you could best process your feelings on this? I think reversing the adoption, even if it were possible (and I don't think it is) would not be good for your children at this point. It must be very hard to see your children being raised differently from how you would raise them, but the fact is, they are now the parents and short of any abuse, I think you will have to just deal with this as best you can. How often do you have visits? Can you give a specific example of what the amom is doing/saying that is upsetting you? Maybe when you are there, you could "model" how you would want your child to be responded to, and if the result is positive, perhaps the amom will pick up on it without you needing to say anything at all. Just a thought.

[Jackiejdajda]

j11221144

Another part of my says to never even think of attempting to undo the adoption and just give some well worded advice but I do not think it will be received well at all by the adopted mother. I just ache for the twin that I believe is having too much pressure put on her by the mother (who seems to be very negative about her physical limitation) and I know this negativity is effecting the 4 yr old. I cry nightly just wishing I could help her through this in a positive way. It's true, I have never stopping loving or wanting them.

I do not think you can go back and change it.. I am sure you can’t..

Right now today is the task at hand.. and how do you deal with this incredibly difficult situation..
Can you get some counseling?
Therapy?

Reaching out and talking about what you are thinking and getting some outside input..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

j11221144,

I'm not sure I have anything more to add. I hear your pain. Even if you could "reverse" the adoption (I agree with the others that it's not possible.) think of what it what put your children through. It would undoubtedly be a lengthy court battle which would not be healthy for the children. If you lost, you would probably have NO part in their lives. This way you at least get to be there and they know you.

This has to be incredibly difficult for you. Talking with a counselor could help you sort through all the "stuff" of adoption and perhaps help you to see your options more clearly.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by j11221144

I am really torn. I placed a set of twins up for adoption a 3 yrs ago and while I love the adoptive parents I am not in favor of how they are handling the twins. They are NOT abusing them in any way I just disagree with their choices of how to handle certian physical limitations of one of the twins. The twins were adopted at the age of 1 due to financial circumstances I was dealing with. It was my choice and I know I did what was right at the time, but now I am having second thoughts. I know I am horrible for even thinking of wanting to upset their world and attempt to get them back (if I even can) but I just cannot shake the feeling I need to. Do I even have any rights? Or should I just ignore the feelings that I don't agree with what the birthpatents are doing and reminder myself I was the one who approved the open adoption? For 2 years I have wanted to undo the adoption and I have not wanted to take the children out of their home. Please- advice! Another part of my says to never even think of attempting to undo the adoption and just give some well worded advice but I do not think it will be received well at all by the adopted mother. I just ache for the twin that I believe is having too much pressure put on her by the mother (who seems to be very negative about her physical limitation) and I know this negativity is effecting the 4 yr old. I cry nightly just wishing I could help her through this in a positive way. It's true, I have never stopping loving or wanting them.

Hello, I too am a Firstmom, I do not know if there was semi/open adoption in 1986, but if it were available, I was not told...so I have a closed adoption. I relinquished twin sons in 1986, and in doing so, hope for the best world they could possibly have. I make myself believe this each day, worrying never stops, nor does the grief and heartache. But some days are esier than others, and we continue to go forward. I relinquished and in doing so, also reliquished ALL rights to parentally guide them. If your twins are not being abused, you really have NO say in intervening. I agree with all the others, if you signed, you WILL NOT get that overturned, and this would not be good for either of your children. If I were in your situation, and had a good relationship with their parents, I would try to have a sit down and have a heartfelt talk. Tell her what specifically bothers you (in a very humble non-judgemental way)and how it makes you feel. I am a pro-honesty/truth person, and think this is the best way to handle all issues. I do so much understand how painful it would be to watch another mother raise my twins, especially if their ways differ from mine. You had your chance to parent and did what you felt was in their best interest, I am sure you chose them , because they were the BEST choice (other than yourself) to parent them in a loving , healthy way. I agree you should most definately seek a support group in your area. If one is availabel. I live in such a small twon, I know of none that exist, so I tried to read, learn from all the triad, and pray each day. I wish you luck, please try to come back and tell us exactly what the parents are doing you think is so harmful to them . We have some really great, kind, caring men and women here, and they are all wise in thier own ways. Blessings!

[Suziebearhugs]

I agree with what the others have said.

I'd try and have a nice talk with the adoptive parents about your concerns, but you will have to do it in a loving, heartfelt way that won't push them away or make them feel like you are judging them, or trying to co-parent the child.

In the end all you can do is say your piece and let it go. For your own sake. The decision to take that advice or let it go will be up to them. But don't let this tear you apart.

Children are remarkably resiliant and there is more than one right way to do things. You may not agree with their way and that's okay.

I think you'd be doing more damage to the children and to yourself by trying to step in and overturn the adoption. That IMO is not the way to go, especially after all this time.

[quantum]

I guess the only thing I can think of adding here is to be as positive an influence as possible to the child you feel is having negativity thrown at her. Perhaps her amom will learn by example, and at the very least you know that your daughter is getting positive reinforcement from somewhere.

This must be hard on you!