[zxczxcasdasd]

I am really sorry.

Please save all your communication. Try to contact Courtney directly when you can (which may not be now). She still may not be ready, but you will know she at least got the chance to decide for herself.

I am so sorry.

[SuddenlySusan]

So sorry to hear about the email, and your basement. I hope you are able to find your daughter's address and contact her directly. Reunion can be such a difficult journey... good luck getting her address. Can the PI help you again?

Best wishes,
Susan

[RavenSong]

Oh, Chunkmama, I was so afraid this was going to happen. IMHO, Courtney's adoptive mom never had any intention of letting Courtney know that you were in contact with her via email. I think you're right about her just wanting your medical history. I don't know...something just didn't feel right to me about her emails.

If I were you, I would wait a year or so before directly contacting Courtney. Although she is technically an adult now, it sounds like she's still dependent on her parents for financial support. I'm just afraid that with her amom's current mood and state of mind, Courtney will go on the defensive if you try to contact her right now. Conflicts of loyalty seem to be a common theme among many young adults who were adopted.

I'm just so darn sorry this has happened to you. You've tried so hard on your end, and you've been so respectful. Hopefully, the amom will think this over and change her mind. I have a huge problem with her being the one to decide if and when you reunite with your grown-up daughter. I wish there was a magic wand to change all this for you...

[quantum]

YOU did NOT do anything wrong.
Please don't think you did!
It just sounds as though her amom is afraid...
Please don't think you did do anything wrong.
It was nice of you to respect your daughters parents and attempt to contact her through them first.
I would do as the others have said, wait some time and then contact Courtney directly.

My son's amom got contacted first when I was looking for him, she said the same things 'He's not ready for this or interested' a few months later we made contact with his stepmom- she gave him the info directly and we have been in contact ever since. He was quite p'o'd that his amom had made that decision for him. She knows we're in contact, but not that we've had a FTF.
His stepmom on the other hand has invited us to stay at their beach house next time we come to the USA and is thinking about coming to visit us sometime with the family.

I'm just saying, this is NOT the end for you! ok? You have done right. You have never asked for or said anything offensive. And there is still hope for your daughter.

(((((chunkmomma)))))

[rainmon]

It sounds like to me that she was waiting for any little thing you said or did to cut you off.... granted, it could have gone on for months & months with you both talking about the weather and such stuff.... and her getting more and more power over the situation .....and "you" being on pins and needles....

but like others have said....it really appears she had "NO" intentions from the start to deliver the initial letter that you wrote to your Daughter....
which is totally wrong. period. "she" is flat-out in the wrong. not you. and you need to get your mind off the fact that you were doing something wrong....
or she will surely win.... those kinds of feelings will drag you down and bury you........don't let that happen. you need to understand this. stay strong.

it seems she chose just to lead you on... maybe hoping to get jusification in some way on why she should not introduce you to her daughter...hoping there would be "something" to justifie her lowly secretive actions....but there is nothing.... and you will win in the long run.
she has just done both your daughters a terible injustice, and in time, your daughter will eventually know of this, that she was denied the chance to make that choice on her own.....to "know" you made contact. why would she deny that ?!
her a-mom does not own her....she is not her possession, she has "no right" to deny her this information. "she" is in the Wrong!

[Archive]

Chunkmomma--I am so sorry. I could almost understand if she would have told you that she talked to Courtney and was sharing information. Maybe that Courtney was having a difficult time with the info. and needed more time and/or counseling to process everything. Then maybe I could understand her holding back a little--Never cutting you off like that though. It doesn't sound like that though does it? It sounds like her mom is scared and not very open minded.

I have been following along and the things you have said are very respectful and appropriate. You have done nothing wrong. Please know that it is not you or something that you have said or done.

I wish I had words to make you feel better. Someday Courtney is going to be ready and may even come looking for you. Hopefully your contact will be sooner than later. I know this is breaking your heart. Hang in there and take care of yourself!!

[chunkmomma1]

I went to bed feeling really angry and disapointed with myself. I went through every email that was sent to her and the ones I got back from her (I have them all printed off) And I can not find anything wrong with them at all. I have even shared them with my birthmother. And she cant believe how thoughtful and respectful I was to this woman. I am not a mean person but I would not normally be so caring to a complete stranger and not be willing to tell her my life. In the fear of being hurt.
But I did with her, hoping she could see I mean no harm to anyone.
I now feel like the mother included me in, when she told me stories of the things Courtney did as a child. Im not going to lie
I was really confused by her doing that. I felt like she trying to share with me some personal things to help me know how Courtney is. And now I feel like she did those things just so it would hurt me again. Or maybe she was testing me to see how I would handle this situation.
I feel like I have lost Courtney again. I may not have heard from Courtney. But I felt included. I do not think it is right to play games with peoples feelings. And lead a person on falsely is totally childish.
Now it makes me wonder what kind of person is she really? What kind of mother would do this? What has she taught Courtney? It is not right to use someone just for your own personal gain or amusement.

[JustPeachy]

I don't know that the a-mom purposely and maliciously lead you on, but I do think she opened things up and is now freaking out about it. Probably some feelings surfaced that she was not expecting and can't handle right now. I don't buy that "courtney is not ready for this." I think a-mom is not ready. We don't know for sure what courtney is ready for because we don't know if a-mom ever told courtney that you two have been in touch and you are looking for her. Until you can be sure your daughter knows you are looking for her and get a response from her, you just don't know. I would try to get in touch somehow with courtney directly. I can't tell you when to do so, how long to wait, etc. as I really don't know what is the best thing, but I know one thing for sure. My next attempt at contact would be with courtney directly. You can use a PI to get her info and when you are ready and think she is ready, make the contact directly. This way you will hear FROM HER whether or not she is wanting to be in touch with you. Right now, the a-mom is projecting her own insecurities on the situation.

Sorry you are going through all this and also about the flood. That really stinks. We had the same thing happen twice. First time, no flood insurance. Then we put it on our policy, so at least the second time, we were covered.

[paigeturner]

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. It really is unfair for her to cut you off. Not even sending a picture of your daughter...very cruel. Very hurtful. I would wait a bit and like others have said, and then I would contact your daughter directly. You've done everything right. You've given her amom the chance to be involved in the reunion. She's shown you what her true colors are...I would not give her another chance. Your daughter is an adult.

Please hang onto all the emails so you can share them with your daughter someday.

[Suziebearhugs]

I would not be so harsh on the adoptive mother.

No things didn't work out as you had hoped but that doesn't mean she is this terrible person or terrible mother.

It sounds like all of this just came about so quickly and she was trying to be open with you and trying to get to know you. But it was just too hard for her at this time. She wasn't ready.

Maybe she has good reason for not sharing all this with Courtney right now. Maybe Courtney is going through a rough time. Maybe she wants to break all this news to her in her time not yours. Maybe she felt pushed/pressured to move faster than she was ready to.

I'd write her another e-mail.

Let her know that you are so grateful for all she has shared with you so far. Let her know that you didn't mean to make her feel pressured. Let her know that your main hope in searching for Courtney was to speak to her directly and to let courtney decide if/whne she is ready for comminucation. Tell her that while you respect her wishes and grateful for all she did/does as your childs mother. Tell her that you've waited 18 years to be able to finally make contact with her and to get to know who she is. Not to take her place as mother but for you two to just get to know one another and hopefully become friends. Tell her how sad and heartbreakign it is to have finally come close to making contact and then for it to all be tossed aside. Ask her to once again please pass on your contact info to Courtney. Let her know that she is now an adult and that you plan on searching for her with or without her help and you had hoped that you could both be there to support Courtney during this reunion.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you should be understanding of how hard this must be for the adoptive mother and not judge her to harshly. While at the same time make sure "she" doesn't detour you from your goal of getting in direct contact with Courtney and lettign courtney decide what she wants.

[Oceans]

C: In a way, I am happy she told you no more contact. I had the same feelings as Raven. She never had any intention of letting you in from the start. At least she told you and didn’t continue stringing you along.

I would NOT respond to her email. Leave her hanging and wondering on that one.

I agree with the others, let sometime go by, recover (personally) from this and then contact directly. Courtney may not be ready for reunion but you deserve the opportunity to hear that from her and tell her it’s OK. You will wait. This is not the amom’s call since she is 19…

((Hugs)) I’m so sorry about this!

[paigeturner]

Suzie,

I don't think anyone's been too harsh with the amom. No one has said she's a terrible mother. I said I thought her actions were cruel and I stand by that. The OP has bent over backwards to answer all of her questions and to send her pictures with very little in return. Courtney is an adult. While Chunk went out of her way to go through the amom for contact and to respect her position, the respect has not been reciprocated IMO.

I hope Chunk is successful in contacting Courtney without the amom's involvement.

Anyway, Chunk, again you did nothing wrong. Hang in there and stay patient. Your reunion will come.

[RavenSong]

Chunkmomma, it's okay for you to feel angry right now. It's so easy for us bmoms to blame ourselves for everything. It seems like we're always walking on eggshells, just to ensure that we're reunited with our children. I know...I played the game for 5 long years while waiting for my son to reach adulthood. I always felt that I had to give exactly the "right" answer to whatever my son's parents asked of me, just so they would leave that door open.

Go ahead, and let yourself feel the anger for a day or two. Don't try to bury it or justify the amom's behavior. I think that most people who have followed your story from the beginning will agree that you have only shown the utmost respect and honesty in dealing with her. The very fact that you contacted the amom first, even though your daughter is now legally an adult, shows your respect and integrity.

You haven't lost Courtney again. I know it feels like it, and this whole thing probably smacks of rejection for you. I would imagine it's also dredging up old emotions from 18 years ago, following the adoption. Hang in there, and know that we are all here for you. You have members from all three sides of the triad rooting for you, girl. Remember that....

[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by chunkmomma1

And now I feel like she did those things just so it would hurt me again.... I do not think it is right to play games with peoples feelings. And lead a person on falsely is totally childish.
Now it makes me wonder what kind of person is she really? What kind of mother would do this? What has she taught Courtney? It is not right to use someone just for your own personal gain or amusement.

This is what I was referring to I really doubt she did this to hurt you and I don't think this shows her true colors or paints her in a negative light or says what kind of a mother she is. Other than a very 'protective' mother which is probably a good thing.

I think she did the best she could, she tried to reach out to you. To share things with you (things she felt safe sharing). But it was all moving to fast for her and I can see how she felt pressured into talking to her daughter about it and talking abotu a re-union.(not that it was bad or anything) just that she wasn't ready for it.

But that's ok. She may not be ready but Courtney might be and that would be my next step to tell adoptive mom your thankful for her efforts and it's time for you to seek her out on your own if she isn't ready/willing to help.

But no she isn't a bad person or mother. Just scared. I don't think she had bad intentions.

[austin0i]

While no one can truly be sure of the amom's intentions, two things stand out in my mind.

Why couldnt she send a picture? (and it could have been a baby pic...it didnt have to be recent)

and second, why she never mentioned what Courtney wanted?

Kim