[echox]

Don't give up. If I was contacted today by bmom I don't know if I would even be able to talk to her. I want to find her so bad, but it hurts to even think about it. Maybe she has told your daughter and she needs a little time to figure out what she is gonna say. I would give it a little time and if you don't get a response send another.

[Suziebearhugs]

I'm sorry your having a hard time. Unfortunatley, I'm sure this is only the begining. When you actually do get in direct contact with your daughter it will probably be 10X worse as you wait for her replies. A relationship takes time to build trust and friendship with each other.

I think you've done an excellent job so far. I'd give the amom another week or two and then write her a "friendly" direct letter asking her the questions you listed for us of if/when she is planning on sharing your letter/contact info with Courtney.

Let her know that your purpose in searching for your daughter was to contact her directly and be able to build a relationship with her. Let her know that you appreciate all the things she has shared with you and that you hope to continue to hear from her. But let her know that if she won't pass on your contact info to her that you will seek her out directly yourself.

Maybe that will give her the incentive to share the info herself with her daughter rather than knowing that you will contact her directly one way or another. Better for her to be a part of it than for Courtney to find out from YOU that her amom had contact and would not share that with her.

But be careful to make it sound nice and not threatening.

[paigeturner]

This is great advice!

I feel for you! I hope so much that you will meet your daughter soon!

[JustPeachy]

At this point, I think I'd want direct contact with my child. Your daughter's a-mom doesn't seem to be entirely up front with you. IMO, she should have asked you, point blank, if you wanted her to put you directly in touch with your daughter. As she is over 18, the relationship should be primarily between the two of you. I'm not saying the a-mom should be dismissed or excluded, but you are really seeking contact with your daughter and she should know you've made contact with her a-mom and decide for herself where she wants to take this. I think right now, the a-mom has too much control of the matter, personally. I wouldn't wait on pins and needles for the a-mom to contact you again. I like the idea of letting her know you want courtney to know of you contacting her mom and to be put in touch with her and if she is unable/unwilling to do that, go ahead and hire the PI again. At least you are giving her the option to be involved, but if she chooses not to, you can still get in touch with your daughter on your own. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Don't give up.

You've been gracious, respectful and patient, but by no means should the fate of your reunion be entirely determined by the amom.

It's time for your daughter to know you want to contact her. If the amom is unwilling to take advantage of the privilege you offfered her of being the one to share such huge emotional news with her, then it's time to find another way. You were gracious (though by no means required) to want to connect mother-to-mother first. But it's not right your daughter doesn't even know. She needs to know so she can decide for herself what to do.

[Oceans]

You've been gracious, respectful and patient, but by no means should the fate of your reunion be entirely determined by the amom.

It's time for your daughter to know you want to contact her. If the amom is unwilling to take advantage of the privilege you offfered her of being the one to share such huge emotional news with her, then it's time to find another way. You were gracious (though by no means required) to want to connect mother-to-mother first. But it's not right your daughter doesn't even know. She needs to know so she can decide for herself what to do.

100% Agree...

[browneyes0707]

I third this. She is over 18, and I think you are being more than patient. I'm in your boat, and had my DD been 18, I would have gone directly to her, but she wasn't, so I wrote her a-mom (who I had met and became friends with pre-placement) It's tricky, and it makes things harder that it really has to be.

Why don't you offer her your phone # and ask her to call you? I agree with everyone here that e-mails are hard. I've been trying to get a phone call for a long time for the same reasons.

But she is an adult, and I think she really needs to share her e-mails with her. It's gracious of you to want to include her, and in a perfect world it would be nice to have a-mom's support, but you don't need it, KWIM?

I hope you hear soon!

[chunkmomma1]

the mother emailed me saturday evening.
she says she still has the letter and it is packed away in a box. and when she finds it she will scan it in and email it to me.
she did not answer if she had shared it with courtney. she did say that was another way she reconized me was from my handwriting she says it has not changed to much over the years.
i really hate asking her simple questions and she just ignores them all and only answers what she wants too.
i have given her my phone number and told her that she could call anytime, she would rather keep it email. maybe hearing my voice maybe to personal or it makes me more real.
i dont have a clue.
she didnt say anything about me telling her about the PI which is good.
but i really need is to talk to courtney. and since she is still living at home(i guess) i have no way to get ahold of her. the mother reconizes my hand writing and she knows where i live. so i cant send a letter to her certified, and since i do not live anywhere near them i cant just pop up.
this is really upsetting.
i really wish i knew what to say to the mother to make her let me talk to courtney.
and then if courtney does want anything to do with me from then on at least i would know from her and not her mother leading me around like a lost little puppy.
this whole thing is so screwed up. since the first letter i wrote to them both and courtneys name was first why did the mother have to open it, or why not share it.
she knew i would be looking for her.
she already told me that she knew this.
why not share it.

what to do next
oh my i think i am in a big mess
i always seem to get in a mess when i try to do the right thing.
i told ya all i needed someone to be me

[Mommy24]

OK, I could go back and read for my answer, but I will just ask here. Does C have a MySpace or Facebook?

[chunkmomma1]

i can not find any for her.
i have emailed every girl with the name courtney diane
and none of them are her.
i have also goggled the name and i can not seem to find her.
what teenager these days does not get on the internet.

[Angeleak1]

Congratulations on finding your daughter. I would write a letter to her Adoptive parents asking them if it's alright if you contact her and if she knows. My Adoptive mother has told me that she thought alot about my birth mother over the years. Through my search and reunion, I would say she was just as curious as I was. My adoptive mother was very supportive through it all. That's not the case I know with some adoptive mothers. Even if they never told your daughter, maybe if you send a letter they will tell her and she will want to meet you. Don't worry what you'll sound like because you didn't go to college. There are tons of people on here that will help you write a letter. Most importantly, I would just write what's in your heart. Good luck. Please keep us updated.

[Angeleak1]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize there were so many responses and I replied to your 1st post. If Courtney didn't respond to you and you addressed the letter to both of them maybe Courtney's away at college. She might not have gotten it and since you addressed it to both of them, that's why the mother opened it. I would be direct with the mother. Ask her straight up if you would be able to talk to Courtney. Since she is 18 now, this is not the mother's decision anymore.

[SuddenlySusan]

Hang in there, Chunk... it takes time and patience, lots of both. Sounds like you're doing the right things.

Keep in mind that the burden of patience lies with the seeker... you must travel at the speed of those you have found.

You will be okay... take a brisk walk when you find that you are getting anxious. And, remember to breathe... slow and deep. Concentrate on taking care of *you*...

Peace,
Susan

[Jackiejdajda]

chunkmomma1 I had my information up on the net for years before my bson contacted me..
He just plain was not ready.. or was not thinking of connecting with me.. until he thought of it there was nothing.. nada..

Jackie

[chunkmomma1]

i get up this morning and come downstairs to my basement being flooded. i should have went back to bed right then. but not me, i get ahold of my insurance company and find out that i am not insured for flooding!!
so i cry my eyes out not wanting to deal with the crap. after mopping up the floor i sit at the computer and the i get the e-mail from h___!!
the mother emails me after waiting for her response to my easy questions. like has she had a chance to share with Courtney that we have been emailing each other?? and has she and Courtney done any research on meeting and reunion on adoptions? like how to deal with the different feelings.
and then here is her reply to me.
"I am feeling pressured and do not want to continue communicating. I will be in touch when I think the time is right for Courtney. This is in Courtney's best interest. Thank you for respecting my wishes."
now what was wrong with me asking those questions?? it took everything in the world to hold me back from getting in my car and drive that 1500 miles and telling her what i really think.
i have given this woman everything she has asked for and then she tells me stories about Courtney and things she did when she was younger. getting me more involved then i needed to be. yes i am grateful for her sharing and i told her that.
i have sent her pictures of myself without a thought. and when i asked for a picture she replies "she is not comfortable with that"
i am beyond p____sed.
i have not done anything wrong and i can not seem to figure out what i said wrong.

i have a feeling she was just using me to get medical information. she has always know that a reunion was in the future. did she think i only wanted to talk to her and not Courtney.

i am totally loosing my mind.
i have no idea what i did wrong.
did i ask the wrong questions???