[rainmon]

Ravensong,
what do you mean by questions...what kind of questions? like medical stuff or something else?

[RavenSong]

Rainmon, my son's parents began placing him in psychiatric hospitals when he was 14 y/o. And I really think they were looking for someone to blame, other than themselves. I don't know how many times they insisted the post-adoptions caseworker inquire as to whether I had taken any drugs during my pregnancy. One time, the caseworker called me up and told me that his adad had come into her office, slamming his fist down on her desk. She apologized profusely to me, but said she had to ask me one more time, just so he'd leave her alone. It was absolutely crazy because I had answered the same question a dozen times, both over the telephone and in a long letter that included my medical history.

DS was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st or 2nd grade, although his parents decided not to medicate him for it. They truly believed, I think, that his ADHD was hereditary. They said he was severely learning disabled, and I think when they found out there was absolutely no history of learning disabilities or ADHD in my family, they wanted to believe I had taken drugs when I carried him. The strongest thing I took during pregnancy was Stuart's Prenatal Vitamins with Folic Acid. I did take Bendectin, an antinausea medication for morning sickness, during my third month of pregnancy. But I never even finished the prescription...I took it for about a week or two.

When his parents met me, I think they were a bit embarassed when they found out that I had earned two college degrees and had graduated summa cum laude. They then decided the learning problems came from DS's birthdad. The only thing wrong with that picture is that his bdad's subsequent children were all honor students, with straight-A averages.

I've never quite figured out why it was so important to them to blame DS's learning disabilities on his genetic background. After all, their biological son, who was born four years after they adopted DS, also had learning problems. And even if the learning disabilities and ADHD were inherited, how in the world would that have changed the situation??

In writing this long post, I just realized that I'm so glad I don't deal with them anymore....

[chunkmomma1]

When I sent the basic letter to both her and Courtney(daughter) it just had my name and Courtneys birthname and the agencys name and my contact information.
I asked her
How did she know I was the birthmother?
Was it in the adoption papers? Did the agency give her some information on me?
Or did she reconize Courtneys birthname?

Those was the questions I emailed her friday(21st).
I was wondering if I made her mad by asking them or did she deside to do further research to make sure I am the right person before continuing our emails. Or maybe she is out of town.
Or maybe she is mad because I have not answered the question about how I found them and their address.
Out of all the questions we have asked each other that is the only one I am not willing to answer.
I would hope maybe she is talking to Courtney about me finding them. But who knows
So now I will set and wait
I hate to wait

[chunkmomma1]

Last night I got an e-mail from the mother. she said she was sorry but she has been busy. And she answered my question about how she knew it was me.
My name is really strange, and most people can not even say it right. I guess when I lost Courtney(my Cheyenne) I wrote a letter to her and put it in the bag of clothes and diapers and other items. The agency actually gave it to the adoptive parents. Yea!!
So there is no doubt that Courtney is mine.
Now if I could only remember what I wrote in this letter to her.
Would it be weird for me to ask the mother for a copy of the letter??
And how would I ask her??

[JustPeachy]

I would just come out and tell her you would very much like to have a copy of that letter as a keepsake, since you didn't even know it was included in the bag given to the aparents. The worst thing she can say is "no" but I wouldn't think it would be a problem to get you a copy.

[quantum]

Yup yup! I think being straightforward is the best way.
My son has the letter I wrote, but I'm scared to read it!

[rainmon]

you don't have to mention that you don't remember...
just say you are sooo happy that she got your note... and that you had always hoped she might.....
and then say it would mean alot to you to have a copy as a "loving keepsake" as you were soooo young and fragile at the time you wrote it.
and it really is so cool that you thought to do that !!!......as it is something a loving mother maybe would have "tried" to get away with.....high five!! Ha!!
(no telling how many notes were intercepted by other b-moms !)

[rainmon]

did she say whether your b-daughter has read it or not?

[chunkmomma1]

I have asked her those questions and I am waiting for a reply. I really hope that she has shared it with Courtney.
And I also asked her if she would still had it and would she be willing to share it with me.
I wish I could remember what I said back then. I figured it had to be okay for her to even mention it.
Well I want to thank you for ideas of questions to ask they was great.
I will keep you all up to date

[chunkmomma1]

I have given in.
She has sked me again how I found them?
I have been putting this answer off.
I replied the truth I told her "I hired a PI".
Now I wonder if she will hold that against me? I am hoping she takes it the good way, like I cared so much and I was willing to do anything to find them. But there is a bad way she could take it ,like invasion of their privacy. Which it was not ment that way.
I know I had said I was against telling her but then I figured just because I hired a PI does not mean I have to tell her who it was, So that way the PI and all the other people involved does not get in to any trouble.
Now I have to wait to see if she will answer me back, or did I just give her an excuse to keep me away from Courtney.
Oh No what did I do
I hope it was right
I could have lied but honesty is the best.
Surely she would not hold that against me for being honest, would she??

I need some reassurance that I did do the right thing. Or if I didnt?

[Archive]

Chunkmomma,

As an a-mom it would not offend me that you used a PI. I would consider it as strong desire to contact and to commit to a reunion--a good thing, not bad. I think I would see it as being dedicated to making the reconnection happen. I wouldn't even have considered it to be stalking or anything like that. I think you are handling everything just fine. No need to 2nd guess yourself and your motives. You simply want to reunite. You do not seem aggressive at all to me and have been very considerate of your daughter's feelings as well as her mom's feelings. It is time they do the same with your feelings and just let you know where they are emotionally with all that is happening. If daughter is not ready-they should tell you. If they have reservations, they should share them with you. Openess and honesty goes both ways. Keep your heart open. The day will come--and hopefully soon!!

[alinev]

I'm an amom and hiring a PI is not a bad thing. Your daughter was adopted 18 years ago - a very long time in an ever accelerating world of adoption openess. Also, just because aparents are supposedly "part of the triad" (I must admit I hate that expression) doesn't mean that they/she is keeping up with all the change. Note, I am in no way supporting the amom's keeping the info from her/your daughter, I am simply saying that change does not come easily to many. All the participants on this website or others like it are updated all the time as part of an active "special interest group". Blah, Blah. The short answer is your heart and head, and handling are all in the right place because you have been preparing for it. Don't worry about the PI, if she really wants or needs to shut you out, she would find another reason to do so.

[alinev]

One other thing. The fact that she may not have told Courtney is really not surprising to me at all. I would never dream of not telling my children their story but I am truly amazed at how many people continue to ask me if I will and are actually surprised by my answer. A possibility is that your patience, care and respect with her mother will be the one of the things that endears you to your daughter the most. I haven't a clue how this will turn out but I am certain she should be honored to meet you.

[chunkmomma1]

Well I have not heard back from the mother yet.
Maybe Courtney is still in school and they are on spring break.
Maybe they left the country.
Maybe she is just to buzy to answer. Maybe she got really pissed about me hireing a PI.
There are so many MAYBE things I could come up with.

I have been wodering for sometime now.
Will she tell Courtney that I found them?
Will she tell Courtney anything?
Will she tell Courtney we have e-mailed each other?
Will she tell Courtney how she can get in touch with me?
Will she tell Courtney that I seem to be a caring person?
The last e-mail I sent was on 3-28-08
and I have not heard anything back.

I do not like not having control, normally if I do not get an e-mail from someone I know within a couple of days I would call them to make sure everything is okay. I cant with her cause I do not have their phone number. She refused me from having it.
And if it was someone I didnt know real well then I would just let it go and assume they do not want to talk to me anymore.

But with this being so important. I just have to wait until she graces me with an e-mail!
She has control over this whole thing and I have no say so!! I feel like a puppet.

As far as repling to the e-mails.
You know I could understand if she worked but she is retired.

I am fighting a battle that I know in my heart that I can not win.
So should I give up??
Should I wait for her to GRACE me with another e-mail?
Should I just quit this cat and mouse game?
I think I will just surrender and just be happy with knowing that Courtney's mom says that Courtney is happy.

I dont have a clue what to do anymore
well tears are rolling down my face so I will let you all go.

Thanks for sharing and caring!!

[loveajax]

Chunk, don't let it go. If you hired a PI to find them, you can also figure out where your DD will be when she is out of the house and contact her directly then. I am not making excuses for the amom, but I can imagine from the closed generation, while you have been waiting for this day to come, she's been "avoiding" thinking about it, kwim? It's not right, but that may be why things are moving so slowly (or you could be right and she hasn't told C, and that's really a problem...but not YOUR problem).

I hate email. I am really wondering if maybe you could give her your number and ask her to call (I forget...have you done that?). Hang in there!!