[Isabo]

Originally Posted by chunkmomma1

i ask basic questions like: is she in highschool? is she in college? did she have any sibilings? not personal like whats her favorite colors and music? ....... I am in one state and they are in one over 1500 miles away, its not like I am going to drive down there and stalk them. i just feel if she ask questions like where do i work? and whats my job? then what is so hard about my questions

Chunkmomma1,

I am sorry that your attempts to reach your daughter are stalled at the amom. I read the entire thread, and my impression is that the amom is trying to determine if you are really your daughter's mother (with the picture of you at your daughter's age) while trying to keep you physically away from your daughter.


I think amom is refusing to answer your questions about college and high school and refusing to give you a current picture because these are things that could help you physically locate your daughter. As far as amom asking you about your job and how much money you make, she is probably trying to determine is you are going to be asking for money anytime soon. My son's aparents were actually disappointed to discover that my salary was about 3 times adad's salary. I did not fit the stereotype they had of first mothers.

As far as sending pictures to the agency, she may or may not have done that. My son's amom lied to me about those things. She really had me going and had me confused, because a lot of the things she said didn't make sense based on things I already knew. Amom finally admitted to others that she lied about all that, but she won't admit it to me. She wanted to make herself look good in my eyes - like she had actually made caring gestures towards me when she had not. I would take the pictures to the agency thing with a grain of salt, especially since she won't give you one now.

Just a thought, but some agencies transfer their records to other agencies when they close. My agency did. I was able to locate my records. I would call several other agencies in that state, even in the same town, and ask them what happens to adoption records when the agency closes.

I'd say hope for the best but expect the worst. You will probably get something in between.

Good luck,

[Butterfly2008]

I too have read through all the posts. I would hope A-mom isn't showing signs of insecurity on this issue and denying you the opportunity to meet your daughter! It seems almost as if she's trying to sum you up(who are you,what kind of threat could/would you be)which is why she's asking questions and avoiding many of yours. I truly feel for you in your situation.

As SO many adoptees have stated,while it's nice to contact A-parents first,it's much better to leave the outcome of this situation with adoptee first. While A-parents have so lovingly been granted the opportunity to raise our children,they don't own them as neither do we. What the a-parent wants,or the b-parent wants DOESN'T MATTER here-it's what the adoptee WANTS AND NEEDS that's important.

I wish I could console you or help you in contacting your daughter...instead I'll send some hugs your way!

[chunkmomma1]

well i sent an email to her friday(21st)
asking the following:
how does she know for a fact that I am the birthmother. did the agency tell her my name or was it in the court papers
or was it the daughters birthname.
she has not replied yet. her last email after seeing pictures of me when i was younger she made the commit that the only thing the birthdaughter shares is the hair color. now the picture i sent her i was maybe 10.
so since she said we dont look alike in her opinion i figured i would ask her those questions. if you have read all my postings then you would see the first letter i had written to her and the birthdaughter was a basic letter just giving her the birthplace, the agency that handled the adoption and my contact information she contacted me by email. she had to know it was really me.
now i am wondering does she even look like me at all or she could look more like her bfather. i just need to see a picture.
i try to keep my emails with her short
and when i ask any questions i put them at the end.
when she emails me they are a little longer so i print them off that way i can answer each one of them.
as far as my job and income i didnt ask her for that before they adopted i dont think money should matter, as long as they are loved and can give them a good home.
i think i will start asking about how often does her and the daughter talk about adoption and reunions. i honestly feel that she should tell the daughter that she has been found and see what the daughter wants to do.
but that is just me
you all are really great
it is good to have people to talk with
and giving different ideas
thank you so much

[rainmon]

I think at this point I would start doing all the asking of questions about daughter, how to best approach a reunion so a-mom knows exactly what your goal is.
I would not give her any medical info or family history etc...... as this is none of her concern now that daughter is 18....if you give her all the info she needs upfront..... she may feel satisfied with it and not help you in anyway to a reunion with your daughter.
when she asks....just say you are in the process of compiling some information for b-daughter. and just repeat that when needed. and I would hedge myself a bit when you feel she is prying into things that should be saved for b-daughters own ears.

[Oceans]

As far as your occupation? I would be general but you in NO WAY need to share your income level. Did she ask that? Yikes....

I think it's great you asked about how she knows that you are the firstmom. Totally appropriate given what she said... Good catch! Did you even reference your DD's birthday in your first letter?

when she asks....just say you are in the process of compiling some information for b-daughter. and just repeat that when needed. and I would hedge myself a bit when you feel she is prying into things that should be saved for b-daughters own ears.

Completely agree!

[Sun8]

You may want to see if you can get your information to searchers or search angels and see if they can find a direct route to your daughter. If amom seems leary perhaps a dna test would help or mentioning it might get a response that will give you more insight. I guess at this point I might be wondering IF she is the amom. Call it the cynic in me.

[RavenSong]

In my opinion, it was totally inappropriate for your daughter's amom to ask where you work or what your income is. It is none of her business. If she just asked what your occupation is, that would be one thing. But to ask you where you work and how much you make is way too personal a question at this point in time. Courteous people do not ask how much money you make...it's a simple matter of etiquette.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I know we birthmoms often have to walk on eggshells if we want to reunite with our children. I had to play the game with my son's aparents for several years before our reunion, and I know it's extremely frustrating. Feeling like we always have to give the "right" answer or we won't be allowed contact is an incredibly hard way to live.

On a side note, I've noticed that you always refer to your daughter as "the daughter". And I'm wondering if there is a reason you refer to her this way. I know for many years after my son was born, I referred to him as "the baby", not "my baby". I think I did it for two reasons: one, it was a way to distance myself from him; and two, I didn't feel like I deserved to call him mine. One day when he was about 6 or 7 years old, my mother and I were talking about him. Somewhere in the conversation, I said something to the effect of "when I gave the baby up for adoption". And my mom stopped me right there, and said "he's your baby, not the baby". For some reason, that was a really important milestone in my journey of recovery from grief. It was only when I could really reconnect him back to myself as "my baby" that the healing began.

[chunkmomma1]

There is a couple of reasons why I call her "the daughter".
1# I dont know her and I dont want her to think that I am trying to step in and be mom, just in case she or the mother is on here. I did not raise her, so I feel like I have not earned that right yet.
2# I also have another daughter and she lives with me and I do know a couple of people on here and I dont want them to think I am speaking about my other daughter.
I dont have a problem calling her mine I guess I should just call her by her name, but that is really hard to do. I gave her one name and that is what I have called her for over 18 years, I named her Cheyenne Nicole.
Now she has another name and it is now Courtney Diane. But when I speak to friends and family I try to get use to the new name but it is really hard.
The cool thing about her new name is that my middle name is Diane. But in my heart she will always be my Cheyenne.
How do you all deal with the new names??
She was Cheyenne for the first 3 months of her life while I had her. It will take me some time to get use to the new name.
When and if I get to see her I dont want to call her by the wrong name!

[soprano]

For me, once I talked with my daughter, the new name became real. The name I gave her (which I have alway preferred, btw--LOL), was more a "concept", a "memory" for 20 years. Her name becomes ingrained with the person once contact is established. At least that is how it was for me...

[chunkmomma1]

Today I am feeling really blah. I have not got a response from the mother yet. I am begining to wonder if I made her mad when I asked those questions. Normally I get an e-mail with 24hrs. And I e-mailed her friday. I know if I was to get those questions I would answer back.
So do you think I might have scared her off?
Should I e-mail her and ask if she is okay?
Should I wait the rest of the week and see if I get an email from her and if not then try emailing her again?
I would like to know what is going on.
Should I apologize for asking those questions?
This is driving me crazy, I dont know what to do.
Have I made a mistake??
I really hate worring about things.
I just wanted to know those answers.

[Jackiejdajda]

I say stand back and look at what is going down from a place where no emotions are involved..

Try and stand in their shoes.. individually..

Raven.. interesting.. I am going to think about what you wrote.. I always say the bson.. I do not say my son..

I do think of him as my son.. I do go into the memories of grieving him as my son..
But here and elsewhere.. he is bson.. and maybe I do this so I do not get hurt.. I do not think he wants to be my son.. Or does but wants me to keep a step back.. and I can not not.. bridge that gap..

Jackie

[Archive]

Chunkmama, I am so sorry that you are struggling through this. I would not be too worried about the time she has taken to respond to your last e-mail. She might have been waiting through the holiday weekend. She could have been out of town for Easter or who knows what, but as it seems like an eternity to you, in reality it has only been a few days. Some people take a long time to process things and figure out what they want to say.

About an apology---You have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for. You are not intruding. You have every right to ask questions--any questions. You are being honest with your daughter's mom and that is exactly how you need to keep it. You cannot control how a-mom reacts or responds. You can only be responsible for your actions and in the end when your daughter is ready to meet you, you will have shown that you did everything that you could to be open and honest.

Have you considered using someone as a mediator if you and the a-mom is not comfortable? Our social workers and adoption counselors are so VERY VERY helpful at our agency. I would maybe suggest having someone meet with you, a-mom and and daughter privately and then set up a meeting. The social worker or counselor could be a support person for you and for your daughter and maybe make a-mom more comfortable too.????

[rainmon]

I'm not sure what your questions were exactly, but I beleive you were going to ask her what kind of talks she and your daughter have had about adoption, reunion, etc... and if so, like (scatterbrain) has said " you have nothing to apologize about"....these are just simple,normal, questions to ask, in order to understand where your daughters head is at as far
as her adoption & any thoughts of birthparents go.
but if she thought that you were going to settle for talking to "only her" (a-mom) for a few years....
well, then yeah....I guess she could be a little unrattled about the fact that you are hoping to connect with "b-daughter" in some way. but really that is not her choice to make now. when her daughter was younger ...then yes. but now that she's considered an adult, she now has a say in things. and the birthmother should really respect that. maybe the daughter is ready and maybe she is not....but she should know you have made contact, and she should have access to your contact information so that when she "is" ready she can contact you whether a-Mom is on board with it or not.
please have patience....it could be just that she got a bit busy, or maybe she just wants to slow things down a bit...who knows, maybe she has decided to talk a bit about this subject to her daughter to see just where her head "is" at with the posibility....of you, coming into her life.
I'm sure she will e-mail back .... after a bit you could send a little "Hello card" in the snail mail...as sometimes computers do have trouble.

[rainmon]

Ravensong, you mentioned that you had to wait it out for years only talking to the a-parents before your reunion....was this also after the child was 18 ?
or just while child was a minor? just curious

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by rainmon

Ravensong, you mentioned that you had to wait it out for years only talking to the a-parents before your reunion....was this also after the child was 18 ?
or just while child was a minor? just curious

Rainmon, it was while my son was between the ages of 14 and 18. I surrendered my son to adoption in 1972, which is considered the "closed era" of adoptions. However, the laws here in California changed somewhat in the early '80s. In 1983, I discovered that I had the right to non-identifying information, which I requested. I also signed a waiver of confidentiality at the same time (my son was 11 y/o). Two years later, his adoptive parents contacted the county department of adoptions, asking them if they could locate me for an updated medical history. Since I had already signed a waiver, the agency contacted me. They then acted as an intermediary for the next 5 years. I was allowed to send my son letters, photos, and gifts thru the agency, which then passed them onto his aparents. In turn, his parents sent me photos. The catch was that I had to always answer new questions (often the same questions over and over again) before they would send a new batch of photos. It was pretty frustrating. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells, and that if I didn't give them what they wanted, they would just shut everything down as far as DS was concerned. When DS turned 18 y/o, he signed his own waiver of confidentiality, and we never had to go thru the agency again. The agency gave each of us the other's full name, address, and phone number.