[Suziebearhugs]

[quote=chunkmomma1]Then all this talking to her would have done me no good!"

I understand the ultimate goal would be for you to be in direct contact with your daughter.

But I'd hardly say "all this has done you no good".

After all your searching you've been able to talk (it sounds like quite a bit) with the mother who raised your child/her child.

She may be very nervous and scared how to proceed, but I wouldn't say it was all a waist of time.

It may take a little longer than you had thought to reach your ultimate goal. But what a wonderful opportunity to get to know the woman/family who raised your child and who will always be a very important part of her life.

I think she just needs some more time to process all of this and feel you out. But I'm sure she will come around and it sounds like your daughter will be blessed to have BOTH of you in her life. (especially if both of you remian on friendly terms).

[hollyhunter]

I have kept my opinon to myself but I had really wanted to say not involve amom at all as daughter is 18 but people will do what they feel best in their situation anyway and thats ok. Our journeys are all unique. OK I gotta say this. Stop communicating with amom and send a registered letter to daughter.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm as confused as you are about the questions you are asking. The letter should have been shared with the daughter and there should be openness for everyone. Just as much as I don't think saying the aparents have nothing to do it isn't right...to have the adopted child totally left out, as the amom seems to be doing, makes no sense whatsoever. The hard part is, even if she is 18, if she is in high school and living at home, the family dynamic is not that of co-habitating adults...it's parent/child.

I would tell the amom you don't understand why she wouldn't be comfortable now since she sent you the pictures years ago and I would assume, thought you would already have them? Also, that as much you wanted to get to know and be in contact with her (amom), it was your intention to contact them together and to get to know both of them.

As much as I hate (and I do) people assuming that all aparents are going to try to block and prevent contact...I hate it even more when it turns out to be true in any given case. GAH!

[portlowski]

Hi Chunkmomma,

You've been getting a lot of responses and I think the overwhleming sentiment is that although it was very sensitive of you to contact amom first, the relationahip that matters most is the one between you and your daughter.

I come to this from a very different perspective, yet I can relate. I am amom in an open adoption. My son's mom is 19 but living at home with her parents. Her parents are great but I recently came to realize I cannot funnel things through them and I do not need their permission to have contact with their daughter, the other mother of my child. I am closer in age and experience to my son's bgrandma than his bmom, so it was only natural that I gravitated toward them. But my primary responsibility is to his mom.

You are clearly a very caring person and you don't want to make too many waves. But from what I can tell, there is sometimes no getting aorund it. You don't need the mom's permission to have a relationship with your child, although it would be nice and it wouldn't hurt for things to be civil.

Good luck to you. You are worthy and deserving and don't need permission from anyone except yourself to proceed in contacting your daughter.

PS I agree that if your daughter is still living at home she might feel pressure to to deny contact if she senses her mom disapproves...so it might be best to wait if that is the case. It is hard to turn on a dime and assert your independence just because you have passed your 18th birthday. I am really praying that amom sees the light on this.

[agathaj]

Search myspace asap and see if you can find her. I have found my bchild - 17 year-old and it has been a minefleild of information - photos, friends parties etc it's all there in COLOR pics. But I wouldn't contact her via her myspace page as she could make it private or shut it down and then you will loose access to her life. I think you should have contact bdaughter first - so what to do now? Perhaps take a break for a month or two from contacting amother and then find a way to get a message direct to bdaughter.

[chunkmomma1]

Their is nothing on her, I have checked myspace, hi-5 , facebook, myyearbook, Bebo, and IMEEM.Not anything.
I have also used her birthday and still none of them are her.
Her mom e-mailed me again last night telling me a story of the daughter when she was younger. Then she asked me for a picture of me about the daughters age now which is almost 19. I got to thinking she wont send me a picture of the daughter and now she wants one of me.
How is this right? I am wondering if I send pictures of me first will she feel comfortable enough to send me some of the daughter?
I guess I will just have to see what happens

[Saya]

Hey there,

I've been following your story, and I just wanted to give an a-mom's perspective on what might be going on in you daughter's a-mom's head. It sounds like you've been thinking about and working towards reunion for a long time. So now you've made this initial contact with your daughter's mother, and of course you want to move full speed ahead to your real goal, which is a reunion with your daughter.

But think of it from her perspective. From what you've written it seems like it's been only about a week since you made contact with her. That means she's only had a few days to process a LOT of important information. I'm sure there are multiple questions swirling in her head - "What is this woman like and what are her intentions?" "Is this really my daughter's birthmother?" "How is my daughter going to feel when they get together?" "How can I best make sure that this is a positive experience for my daughter?" "What is this going to mean for our family?" Yes, I know your daughter is 18 and legally an adult. But to her a-mom, she may well still feel like her baby who she wants to protect from the world. (I know my mother sometimes acts like that about me, and I'm 38!)

I think the fact that she is telling you stories and asking for photos is a very good thing! It seems like she is trying to share details of your daughter's life with you - albeit not as quickly as you would like! I wonder if she wants to get a photo of you to 1) see if you look like your daughter, and 2) use it as part of a conversation with her about how you've made contact and want to talk with her. My hope from what you've said is that the a-mom is not trying to be an obstacle to reunion here, but that she is trying to move ahead with this in a thoughful way that will be in the best interests of the child you both love,

Good luck!

[loveajax]

Chunk, I know it is frustrating, but as I read Saya's post and yours, I do think a mom is definitely making an effort, not trying to shut you out, etc. It HAS been a short time and I'm sure she is really still processing this. I mean I still think she should share the letter with DD, etc., but I think I would only start to think she may NOT if weeks go by. I think the fact that she is emailing you/is curious, etc. is really a good sign. I think for your part, it may be best to just be friendly, responsive, etc. (especially when the opportunity for contact while DD is living with her parents seems limited). I don't think when a kid turns 18, the "mama bear" instinct disappears (I am almost 40 and when I come home, my parents yell, "the baby's here!") and she may really want to feel comfortable. Hang in there!!

[chunkmomma1]

I understand what you are saying about her wanting to protect. I have no problem with that. And I would do the samething, but she can do a back round check on me and see that I have not had any problems. I answer all questions she asks me without a problem, but she only answers questions she wants to. should i not answer every question she asks. I would feel like I am hiding things, I am being honest with the mom, but her total disregaurd for my question is not right or fair, its not like i am asking anything outragous. i ask basic questions like: is she in highschool? is she in college? did she have any sibilings? not personal like whats her favorite colors and music? her weight? her height ?whats her hobbies? what she want to be when grows up? does she have a boyfriend or is she dating? Those are personal questions that i would only want to ask the daughter. i dont ask how much money? she makes whats ss#?
I am in one state and they are in one over 1500 miles away, its not like I am going to drive down there and stalk them. i just feel if she ask questions like where do i work? and whats my job? then what is so hard about my questions

[paigeturner]

Chunkmomma,

You have every right to be upset!!! In your shoes, I would be upset as well. What does it take from us? How much sacrifice are we expected to give?

This isn't about the Amom being comfortable. This isn't about her fears! I was derailed by your post a couple of days ago about her asking you for a picture of your kids but not being willing to share a picture of your birth child! Strange...and selfish, IMHO. Every move you've taken has been thoughtful.

Still, remember, most expect us, the first mom, to be irrational. They expect that we'll be difficult. Prove them wrong. Look into yourself and find patience and understanding. Step lightly and carefully...remember you've waited 18 years already; don’t take the chance of alienating your child by alienating her mother….

Sucks, doesn’t it?

[chunkmomma1]

I was hoping someone would kind of agree with me.
I also need ideas what kind of questions to ask where I am not being so nosey? I am having problems asking unpersonal questions? I am very friendly and have a good sence of humor!

Since the mother is 13 years older than me and I dont have a clue how to talk to her(well email).

I think I do better in person or on the phone. But she has not given me a number that I can call. And there are too many miles between us. So email is the only communication for now. Until she is comfortable.
Before I found them I would read other peoples post saying how stressful reunions can be. I use to think, How can it be stressful when you are getting your dream to see or talk to the adoptee that you have waited for so long.
Now I know!! but I havent even talked to the daughter just dealing with the mother is stressful enough.
I keep wondering if she thinks if she keeps putting me off, that I will just go away. And I have thought about it! But then I get to thinking I do have a rights too, and I have waited over 18 years.
I am not going to give up!!

So ideas in questions to ask would be great. Cause I am beyond clueless.

[loveajax]

Chunk, I hate email too....It's so hard to get to "know" someone through email. I am sorry she is not answering your basic questions...that is rude.

I wonder if maybe you could just say, "I am not an email person....I would love to talk to you on the phone...My number is _____." I think you may figure out what is really going on more easily through a phone conversation.

I really hope that a mom is able to tell her DD (I would never want to keep this kind of thing from DD...ack!). And I hope that you are able to communicate directly with your DD soon.

[Oceans]

i ask basic questions like: is she in highschool? is she in college? did she have any sibilings?

i think you are asking all the right questions...

Are you emails long or short. Sometimes in long emails, I tend to lose track of what I need to answer...

[rainmon]

I would ask questions about what kind of conversations they have had in the past about "you" or the posibility of you or the b-father entering her life in the future....any conversations childhood thru now about her adoption may be important....
any conversations about that which the daughter had initiated... or that the mother herself had initiated... to prepare her daughter for the posibility of meeting any b-parents in the future.
and ask if the daughter has read any books on adoption & or reunion might be a good question.... that would also give you a clue on where the a-mothers head is at with all of this, to see if she has even tried to prepare her daughter for any posibility of this.
and if daughter had ever talked about the future posibility of reuniting with any of her b-parents.

It would be very important to me as a B-mother to know these things...for her to at least tell you how much she as the mother has prepared her daughter for any posibility of this... and where her head is really at and also your daughters. you could also read up yourself on these subjects or get ideas here from adoptee's on a book that is not too heavy...but would serve as more of a guidance, so you could suggest it to her if it is needed to help prepare her daughter if it is needed.
although....some of the adoptee's I have read here on this forum and elsewhere, don't share their secret dreams and wishes with "anyone"....and some others only with a real close friend, so she may not have shared any secret thoughts with a-parents unless she felt really comfotable in doing so. some feel they may hurt a-parents feelings to talk about such things or appear ungrateful if they share their secret thoughts about it.

[rainmon]

also....make these "direct questions"....don't mix them in with how the weather is in your area, how Easter Holidays went or "anything else", just those direct questions so she cannot hedge around what you really need to know the answers to.
she may take all the other questions you have asked as personal...who knows....
but these questions I have mentioned directly concern you & your daughter....nothing else.
Let her know how important it is to you to know how to best prepare your daughter. as that is your goal.

and like some of the adoptee's here themselves have said ...your goal is not to know your daughter through her a-mom....as she is now an adult and should be included in this decision and have her own access to your door.