[chunkmomma1]

Early this morning my husband comes running into our bedroom and telling me that he is sorry to wake me but I have an email. Then he tells me who it is from, I fly out bed half way asleep tripping through my 12 dogs and finally make it downstairs to my computer. There it is
an email from the adoptive mother, saying that she had gotten my letter and thanking me for giving her my contact information. I felt really great that she took the time to email me to let me know that she had gotten it. She had told me that she has not shared it with daughter yet and she told me that the daughter is as healthy as a horse and has had no major illnesses. She had a mild case of chicken pox when she was younger.
The mother has offered to answer any questions I may have, there are way too many questions I have and I dont want to scare her away. But she has asked for medical information, and I have a fear if I give her this information then why would she ever share anything with me about the daughter or tell the daughter anything about me. My heart is somewhat relieved to know that Birthdaughter is in good health. But my heart still akes. yes i should be happy knowing she is healthy but is she happy???
I have to really think how to reply to the mother without giving out too much information. so any ideas would be great.
thanks for your time you all
I told you I needed someone to be me!
I have no clue!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

I say think good thoughts.. think in the direction that the woman genuinely wants to know you..

That you can work things out and you will get what you want from the contact..

Jackie

[loveajax]

Chunk, first of all, congrats that your DD is alive and doing well.

I think you should email your DD's amom back and ask why she hasn't shared this with your DD. Wasn't the letter addressed to both of them and isn't DD over 18?

I am sure maybe this is "scary" for her, but I don't think she has the right to keep the letter from DD (unless she seems to have a "good" reason in your opinion).

[Oceans]

I read this earlier and have to tell you... I'm still stumped. I think it's GREAT your DD's mom wrote back. That takes care of did she get the letter/Do you have a correct address question. On the other hand, it doesn't sound like the door opened up much.

It's just so hard when a third party controls the flow of information (rightly so or not).

I wouldn't answer just yet (meaning today). Give yourself some time to process this. Maybe someone has some good advice.

Do you know if your DD know's she adopted? The big question is if her Mom plans on sharing the letter.... Not sure how to tactfully ask that.

On the medical info, well you said you would give it so yeah, you probably should but I understand your worry.

[SuddenlySusan]

I agree that you should take your time in answering the email that your daughter's mom sent. If you haven't heard from your daughter within a week, I would think about sending another email to her mom, perhaps with a picture of you, thanking her for her last email, etc. I would then ask her if she has had an opportunity to talk to your daughter about your letter yet. I was under the impression that you sent two letters -- is that correct? Or, did you only send one to the mom?

At any rate, I would not mention the medical info just yet. There is plenty of time to do that in future letters. I think it is more than appropriate that you hear from your daughter first, or at least from the mom regarding a conversation about you with the daughter. If your daughter is "healthy as a horse" then it seems there should be no need to rush providing all the data without getting to know you a bit first. Since you do not know the mother or her intentions, it is reasonable to be cautious with the information. After all, the information is for the benefit of your daughter, and you have not heard from her yet.

Just my opinion...

Peace,
Susan

[Scatterbrain]

Ahhhh! Chunkmama--This is so exciting!! I am an amom and just want you to know that we are not all insecure and many of us support the search and simply want to support our children through the process. Best wishes to you and to your daughter. Your gift you bring is yourself. You do not need to act any other way. Your daughter has probably been waiting for this day as well!! Good luck to you!!!

[Scatterbrain]

Sorry I did it again. I didn't read to the last page.

I can't believe she hasn't told her. I hope she sits down and shares everything with her now. Maybe after the amom has a little more time to absorb she will see what a good thing this is. I hope the best for you and your daughter.

[rainmon]

I would send a short note back saying that you were so happy to hear she was well, and would give them a little time to let her know that You have made contact and hope to hear from her when she is ready, and could check back in a few weeks.
as you know, she is now considered an adult , so this is between you and her now. not the a-parents.
my young nephew ( just 18) was recruited... and has signed papers to join the army, he is old enough I guess to fight & die for our country, without any family input or voice from his family....so I'm sure what you are asking is minimal, to say the least.
the next step would be finding out ways to contact her directly... if it looks like the a-parents arent going to help you with this link...and there are other ways.

[Suziebearhugs]

Hi, I've been following your story.

I think it's wonderful that you've been able to make contact with your daughters parents.

I'd take the next step and e-mail her back.(I say e-mail because it seems like that is the most comfortable form of communication for the adoptive mother at this point). Just let her know that you were thrilled that she wrote you back. Ask, her if she has had time to speak with her daughter yet about the letter. Tell her that you would love to answer any and all questions her daughter might have and ask her if she can pass along your contact information to her.

I'd also send along a picture of yourself. Write maybe a paragraph about yourself, what you do,what hobbies you enjoy, I'd share some basic medical history with her as well. (this might help make the adoptive mother more comfortable with you as well as be able to share with her daughter some perosnal info about you. To get the ball rolling.

Ask her about herself and her family and what her daughters doing going school/working etc. Ask if she has any special hobbies or interests. etc.

Basically just be friendly and interested about her and her family, while at the same time hinting that you'd love to hear from her daughter and be able to talk with her personally and answer any questions she may have and just get to know each other.

Good Luck! It sounds like your reunion is off to a good start, at least you've already done the hardest part, making that first step.

[chunkmomma1]

I have been e-mailing the mother all last week we seem to have pretty good communications back and forth. There are only a few things that are bothering me. 1# The mother has stated to me that she was sending pictures to the agency over the years and the agency was to forward them to me, since I did not get any pictures I asked if she could send me couple. She said she did not feel comfortable right now to do that. At first I agreed but then I got to thinking if she had sent them to the agency for me to have. Why is she not comfortable sending them now? What has changed??
2# Yesterdays email scares me, She informs me that her job takes around the world she goes and stays for different peiods of time to asia, africa and europe
How do I know that she wont just stop this whole thing and just takes off?Then all this talking to her would have done me no good!!
I am going crazy. So many worries.
3#She says the daughter knows she is adopted. Why wont she tell her that we are in contact?
I have tried to goggle the daughters name and nothing pulls up she is over 18.
I am stuck.
HELP

[Oceans]

I'm a little irritated right now with my own situation and my patience is running thin. My situation is not even close to where you are but I wanted to tell you that and give you an idea of my frame of mind while writing this

First, I would call your agency to ask for those pictures and see if you can get them. She may be reluctant to send pics today without your DD's permission (since she is 18). I would understand that - This if course does not explain why she doesn't ask your DD.

Second, Don't worry about her taking off. She most likely will have Internet where ever she is. If I were to guess, she is not likely to cut contact if she is afraid you will try to contact your DD "behind her back" so to speak. Which brings me to my last point...

I don't know why she wont tell your DD about your contact. I can only suspect she is trying to "feel you out" to make sure you are "safe". That said, I would be wary of continuing a day to day relationship with her. Your DD may end up feeling like things were happening behind her back. She is 18 and an adult (especially in her own eyes). Check out this thread started by EZ2Luv: Question for Adoptees I hate to say it but you may need to wait until your DD is in a position to receive contact without her mom's involvement.

For now, I would be wary of getting “too close” to her mom….It may backfire.

I can only imagine how hard this is... I hope others have some great advice for you...

[chunkmomma1]

The agency went out of business years ago.
so getting those pictures that was sent for me to have is impossible.
I can understand about checking me out. But shouldn't the daughter have some say so too? Since she is over 18 she is an adult. She is old enough to come to her own conclusions about me. I really hate feeling like this is sneaking around the daughters back.
I really dont know what to do???

[Oceans]

Dang - So the agency is out for pictures. Have you searched MySpace? I don't like it for contact but it might be a place to see a picture. Keep in mind, she may have a tracker on her page and can see whose been lurking (not by name).

She is 18 - Do you know if she is out of high school yet. For me 18 and out of High School is more of the adult "milestone" than just 18...

Again, consider my mood today, which is quite straight forward but...

Take sometime and think about what you are willing to risk. There is a part of me that thinks you should ask straight up, what is she planning on doing - telling or not. That's easy for me to say, but I have nothing at stake... You do.

If amom says she isn't going to tell, well then I think you back up for awhile and let it go. At least until she is out of HS (if that's the case). Then come up with a plan so that the next time, you have direct contact. If you contact right away (directly) you WILL alienate amom (but you know that).

If you aren't willing to risk another 6 months to a year of no contact, then I guess you continue a "light" relationship with amom BUT I would tread lightly and not have too much contact. At 18, I would have been upset if my bdad was talking too much (maybe at all?) to my parents, about me, behind my back. I think I would have been more upset with my parents than bdad but you never know...

Wish I had better advice for you.... hang in there..

[youcan2]

Have you asked amom whether you could arrange a phone conversation with her and / or daughter sometime?

[Jackiejdajda]

If the amom is playing games and not being straight with you.. I say contact your birthdaughter if she is over 18 and is an adult.. You have done your best..

Jackie