[EZ2Luv]

Chunkmom,

Sorry you got a disconnected numberd . Maybe it is meant that you write a letter. Don't worry about ho long it s, I am sure you will do fin. Just reading your posts I can see that. I think a letter is good too because it isn't lke putting her on the spot like phone call would be. KWIM? At least a letter gives her the chance to initiate further contact. Of course being excited and having to wait kind of bites, but at least it gives her a chane to read and think about out. Personally I would have liked a letter to me, rather than a phone call. Agian, I know you will do fine. I pray your daughter recieves your letter and contacts ASAP.

MamaS,

I think you are missing what I am trying to say. You obviously think that bmom contacting adoptees with consenting with aparents is somehow pushng the aparents out o triad and not in the best interst of the child.

First, if you read my post, I said that I love my amom to the moon and back and she is my "mother" as far as I am concerned.
It;s funny you mention the "triad" because the only true victim of the "triad" is the adoptee. Triad means all sides equal. Where did the adoptee ever have a choice? Bmoms choose to relinquish,Aparents choose to adopt and adoptees live in limbo with sealed records caught in between. But that is a whole different debate

I am however appaul that you would ever reffer to an Apaerent as a babysitter. My Amom was NOT a babysitter, she was my mother, but I did have a firstmom and tha is the reality.

So are you saying that because Aparent raise the adoptee,that they are owed first contact from the Bmom?

I beg to differ but an Aparent could NEVER ever feel the loss of adoption that a Bmom or Adoptee feels. That reunion is for them to work out and if they feel that Aparents should be involved, so be it. Bmom and adoptees are the ones more often than not living their life with a hole in their heart and a head full of questions. They are the ones that have a right to know.

Have you any idea how many adoptees don't let their Aparents know how they really feel? It is only in these last few years that adoptees are finally speaking out. Many aoptees don't want their A parents to know they have a yearning to know or are seaching because of the very attitude you are showing here. They don't want to make their Aparents feel less than, they feel that they are being dsloyal to their Aparents. I could go on and on. But I am done trying to express how I feel.

My point is just because a Bmom contacts their bchild, does not mean that the Aparents are less than. It however is up to the Adopee to decide.



I still believe as an adoptee should be the one to be contacted first.

EZ

[Oceans]

it is like putting me in a COACH store and saying i can only buy the change purse. what good is the change purse if you don’t have the matching purse and wallet.

LOL - That got me laughing for sure!!

I think you should write a 20 page letter telling her everything you have ever wanted to say to her. Get it all out, cry, laugh, rejoice in your letter... then.... put it aside - for now. Someday, it will be a beautiful letter to share with your daughter, but not today.

In your one page letter, stay light, warm but unemotional, offer your hand in friendship but don't overwhelm her. I agree, she will probably share this with her parents. If you have their blessing, this will go much easier. Be gentle.... Be open, but try to avoid overwhelming her...

You can always run it by your friends here if you are unsure...

((((Hugs)))) I am so happy for you!

[rainmon]

Yes...I agree with Oceans....write a letter just to put away for now, let out all your emotions in it...say what you've always wanted to say to your daughter... then just store it away.
then write a simple, friendly introduction letter, with ways to contact you, so you don't scare her or ANY of them away from the start. if she writes back... "then" send the medical....if requested, and see where she wants to go from there giving her a chance to lead the relationship from that point.

[rainmon]

I would save "all " the personal information for a future letter ...when you know you've made contact with "YOUR DAUGHTER". the first letter should not include all the personal information about why & what & where and whatever......wait until you know you've made contact, and "SHE" asks for what she wants.

[paigeturner]

What Oceans said...perfect. In fact, this is what I will do if ever given the chance.

MamaS...ugg...what else is there to say? ugg.

[Jackiejdajda]

chunkmomma1

the number you dialed has been disconnected.

IMO first clue to slow down..

but how can i do just one page and say everything i want to say.

Early days.. first kick at the can.. you have the rest of your life to sort this.. this is the first step in a journey of a thousand miles..

but i dont want her to feel like i am pressuring her in any way.
I would like for her to be my NEW BEST FRIEND and see where that ends up

Look out for the fantasy.. the dreams.. reality is very different..

am i asking too much

Reunion Socialization
(author not identified)

The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs. Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food, clothes, mannerisms and social rules. The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.

Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing. These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to misunderstanding, hurt and confusion. Each person must learn to adapt to the other's as well as their own, perplexing, vacillating emotional changes. Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from, but profoundly bonded to--each other. We come together as "Familiar Strangers." Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship. Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.

Reunion Socialization

Top 10 Ways to Have a Successful and happy Reunion with your adoptee, birth mother or birthfamily


Lots and lots of things to learn about.. small steps..

I am so happy for you.. this is wonderful news..

Jackie

[chunkmomma1]

Okay i have started my letter. and i have started and thown it away at least 30 times. i think i am going to need another notepad. i am leaning to make it short and make the letter to both the parent and the birthdaughter. i dont want anyone to feel left out. i think if i get a reply then i can write a more personal letter to the birthdaughter.

[Oceans]

There was a thread a few days ago from someone who was writing a letter to her birthmom. I actually saved the letter for my own use someday. You can find the thread here: I need some help with first contact

I am a firstmom too, so many of the words will need to be changed but I thought much of the sentiment was good. Caring but not overemotional - Also, letting her mom know she had a good life. Your daughter would want that for you so let her know you are OK.

I agree that you should limit your personal info. The fact that the phone is disconnected may indicate you have a wrong address - You might do a bit of research with some on-line directories first.

I would also enclose a note card with a self address stamped envelope saying something like:

___ I am not ready for contact yet.
___ Please send my medical information.
___ You have reached the wrong person
___ Other: __________________

Something like that - Make it easy for her to tell you if she is NOT ready (just in case). No response would be agony.

I, personally am about 65/35 on WHO to contact first. I think with the right letter, it should be sent to your daughter HOWEVER, there is the risk that she doesn't know so her parents are the safest option - on the other hand, they may not tell her about the letter or you run the risk of alienating her. It's a hard call...

[jrainbow]

Chunkmomma1,
Congratulations - and welcome to the Reunion Rollercoaster. You have all the symptoms and, hate to tell you, this is probably not the first time you will feel this way. Reunion, in my opinion, is totally unlike any other relationship that I have ever know. It is emotional, incredible, marvelous, scary, obsessive, hurts sometimes, and makes you second guess yourself all the time. And this is from the adoptee side - in a fairytale reunion with both sides.

In my opinion, you ought to write your letter to daughter - making it so that she can read it to anyone, including her parents, if she likes. This is between the 2 of you. If she doesn't know that she is adopted, that is between her and her aparents. Don't do this to disrespect her aparents or to cast them aside, but because your daughter deserves your respect as an adult and deserves to make her own decisions in this very personal area.

One of the rules of thumb that I have seen is that the person who is found gets to set the speed of the reunion. All those things that you talked about, I wanted to know - but I think I would have run if I had gotten them all at once. Someone once said it was like running into a parked car while you are going 70 mph. You have to let the other person catch up.

Good luck. Breathe. and again Congratulations.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Just to clarify- I don't think at any point I suggested that anyone needed the aparents permission, or that they had to be the first contact, or that contact had to go through them. I do, however, disagree strongly with the statement that they have nothing to do with it and should be left out of it entirely. There should be openness, respect, kindness and compassion for everyone affected, IMO.

[chunkmomma1]

okay this is what i did

i wrote a generic letter
stating the following

i put the birthdaughter and the partents name
then i told them my name and explaining that i did not want to cause any problems
i also included all my contact information
and said that i was willing to answer any questions. and signed it as a friend.
then i read it back to my mother and she said it was cold
no feelings, not me at all. and then asked why did i not tell her how i feel, how long i have been searching ?? i tried to tell my mom that this was more less like just opening the door and getting my foot in and not getting the door slammed in my face, if i was to write all the feeling i could scare her and the parent and i dont want to do that, plus i dont even know if the daughter lives there she could be going to college. and i dont want the parent to feel threatened by me.
i know you all said to write to the daughter first and i wanted to, but i put myself in the adoptive parents shoes and if i was the adoptive parent i would not mind getting my letter and sharing ,but i did put the birthdaughters name first. and i put a self addressed and stamped envelope inside.
i have also started another letter just for the BD. i may not get to send now but at least i will have it for when she is ready to have contact.
now here comes the part i am the worst at , the WAITING
it will drive me crazy i will be waiting to meet the mailwoman everyday. and since we have 3 phone lines, i will make sure not to miss a call and every fax that comes across i will be there , every email i will have to check before deleting and leave the cell phones on. i said in my letter that i can be reached 24 hours and i would not want to miss this at all.

i think you are all the greatest
thank you so much for your ideas and opinions, they helped me out a lot
i dont know how i would have handled it without you all helping me.
if i would have done it the way i wanted to i would have sent a couple of notebooks of letters that i had written to them both over the years. could you imagine getting books of all these strange persons feelings and thoughts .so i will save those notebooks for another time.



so they should get the letter saturday the 8th and i figure i might hear something in the begining of april.

[bajj]

Once again, I want to thank you.

I hope you do hear something and are able to build a wonderful relationship with both your daughter and her parent.

(((((hugs)))))

[Oceans]

Congrats!!! I am keeping everything crossed for you!!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Keep us updated.

I hope you hear back soon!

[rainmon]

yes I think you did the right thing keeping it simple for now. I just hope now, that they are the kind of people that would have enough respect for her to give it to her and let her make her own choices about what she wants to do.
did you send it so someone will have to sign for it?
that way you'll know who excepted it. the Signature of the person signing for it will come back to you.

sometimes city directories for their area will have a lot more info.