[Mommy24]

I was right where you are just a little over a year ago. I too remember all the emotions you are feeling. Breathing is good, LOL. It is such a bittersweet moment and the reunion ride is just beginning, PM me if I can lend an ear or a shoulder.

Good luck!

[chunkmomma1]

MOMMY 24 do you remember me
when i first joined we spoke about the
ADOPTION CENTRE INC
MAITLAND FLA.

[Mommy24]

I do remember you! I am thrilled you have been able to locate your daughter. If I can help, please Pm me.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

As an adult adoptee I would have been mortified if my aparents were contacted before me. As an adoptee, everyone around me made choices, this is the one time that"I" have a say in whether I want contact or not, why invade my decision or take that away from me.EZ

Totally agree. If she is 18, it is her decision and her decision only.

As an adult adoptee, I cant tell you how difficult it is to be denied access to my records, my origins and MY STORY!

Do not go and ask her "parents" if she can have HER information. It is hers and hers alone.

Show respect to your daughter. She is now an adult. It is between you and her. No one else.

Kim

[RavenSong]

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. The initial phone contact was just between the two of us. BUT, our initial face-to-face meeting included both of his parents. The poor kid was so scared to finally meet me, and I really believe it made it a lot easier on him to have his parents there for moral support.

Eighteen is a funny age. Legally, they're adults, but emotionally they're still adolescents. I think that by connecting with my son's parents in the beginning, I was able to allay their fears somewhat about what reunion would mean to their family structure.

Yes, I agree that it is the adoptee's story and personal choice. But I also think it's important to realize that many more people than just the adoptee and birthparent are affected by reunion. We don't live in a vacuum. If at all possible, I think that birthparents and adoptive parents should meet and develop their own relationship. It really can avoid potential problems down the road. That's just my opinion though....

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

But there is already a "mother and child" relationship here and Chunkmama IS going to interfere in a way, and I totally support that, but if we are going to make it about mother and child we must not forget the mother already involved, right?

Gosh, I really don't want to start a huge fight over this because I know you and I are really on the same page but I was really surprised to read this from you!

"Interfere" is the key word to my discomfort but I think it says volumes...I think this is really how a lot of folks feel about FirstMom's making contact with their children...that we are interfering.

Why is our love and desire to be a part of our children's lives viewed as such a negative - to be seen as interfering...reading that was a real punch in the gut. I don't think I'm interfering, I think I'm contacting my grown child to develop a relationship that is totally separate from anyone else’s relationship with my child.

From my own perspective - if anyone wanted to have a relationship with me the worst mistake they could make would be to "clear it" through my other first...I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions.

You can read for yourself what the adult adoptees are saying...these are the children we want to find and be in contact with - even they are saying talk to me, not my parents.

[riverview]

As an adoptive mom, I would like to say good for you for finding her, wanting to chat with them... how wonderful... what a great story. Hope it ends beautifully! How could she not like you, your heart is in the right place!

[Mommy24]

You are assuming we are on the same page because I am a First Mom, but you see we are all different including the adult adoptees we will come in contact with. My birth son wanted contact to go through his mom, he was totally freaked out when his first father contacted him via myspace, he had no clue who this man was and what he could possibly want.

As for interfering, you used the word first, that the adoptee and the first mom needed no interference from the adoptive mom or anyone else, that rubs me wrong and honestly I find it a punch in the gut to the adoptive mom's who were needed to raise our children when we couldn't. I personally find it hard to expect respect if it is not given, it is a 2-way street. I contacted my son's mom first, as I said, he wanted it that way. I respect the adoptees here on this thread that didn't want that, however, just like you and I, they are not the voices for ALL adoptees and I believe that we need to hear more than 2 pages worth of opinions to make an informed decision.

Again, best of luck Chunkmomma as you make your decision!

[bajj]

I love how much you love your daughter. I love that you don't want to blindside her, and that you want to include her aparent. I hope you are able to build a wonderful relationship with your daughter, and who knows, maybe you and her aparent can be friends, too.

[SuddenlySusan]

I would encourage you to write a letter to your daughter. Let her guide you as to what kind of relationship she wants you to have with her parents.

When I found my son, my daughter acted as intermediary to make the initial contact and confirm identities. When I wrote to my son, I asked him about meeting/contacting his parents. He said he wanted to wait until he and I had established our relationship first. That was his request. I believe it is extremely important to allow our children to have control over how the reunion proceeds. They cannot do that if we assume control and contact the parents without their permission.

Everything had been decided for our children...they had no say in the matter of adoption. I believe that, especially if they are adults now, it is their inherent right to make decisions regarding reunion. If they want their parents involved, they should be allowed to make that decision now... it is their right to do so.

However, before making contact, you may benefit from a support group and counseling. Many first mothers did not receive support and counseling at the time of relinquishment, and are still in need of assistance for dealing with their buried grief and loss. Remember, the healthier you are, the healthier your reunion is likely to be -- no guarantees, though. Take things slow, slow, slow... follow your daughter's lead.

I wish you the best... take good care of yourself during this time.

Peace,
Susan

[One_Happy_Momma]

When one of my bio-uncles while speaking with me called my mom by her name instead of refferring to her as "your mom" it was the last time I spoke with him, he died about 10 years ago, I have to regrets of not ever speaking with him again, my mom was not a perpetual babysitter, she was and is my mom above all, and people who do not show her respect or consideration is unworthy of me or any relationship with me.

Whatever anyone has to say to me must be comfortable enough to say it in front of my mom.

[EZ2Luv]

I can honestly say that if my Bmom had contacted me, I probably would have ended up telling my Amom and including her too, However, that would have to be "my" choice. No one here is questioning the importance of Amm's. I love my Amom to the moon and back, no one could ever take her place as my mother. It is that very reason why I would want to be the one to tell her bBmom made conact with and if I was having any trouble with Bmom contacting me Amom would be the first person I would have gone to for guidance and to intervene.

The searcher I was involved with as well as a few other searcher all said that the never recommend going through the Aparents.

The same way a Bmom does not know how their child would react, is the same way they would not know how th Aparents would react. Sadly, the thruth is with the exception of those Aparent that participate in these forums a large majority of them are not too keen on Bparents contaction their Achildren.

I would be hard pressed to believe that many adoptees would want their Bparents calling their Aparents before contacting them.

Why not poll how many adoptees would want their Aparents called before contact. Many adoptees search without even telling their Aparents so why would they want Aparents contacted. Again, I would be mighty angry if Bmom did that to me. I would feel like more secrets, another conspiracy all about MY life.

Another thing too is what of the Aparents are contacted and they are not open to contact? There is more of a risk of that happpening than the adoptee refusing contact. Most of the Aparents I know IRL aare not too keen on reunions.

EZ

[MamaS]

EZ - Do you remember the scene in the movie "The Shining" where Jack Nicholson takes an ax to the door of his family's apartment and says "Here's Johnny!"?
Something about this sort of brings to mind some unknown person crashing through the door of a home screaming "Here's Mommy!"
This 18-year-old adult who can make all the decisions and is totally independent (legally) of anyone is probably still living at home. Maybe still in high school, or being sent to college by those unimportant, nervous, suspicious babysitters who have been posing as parents all these years. So forgive us if IRL the aparents are still concerned more for "the best interest" of their child instead of "what the bmother wants". A reunion like this is a triangle -- three sides are involved. But it seems to me that many people focus on amputating that third side -- sort of a "let's show them how much it hurts to lose a child" attitude. If I have misread your meaning, I apologize, but that is the feeling it gives.

[chunkmomma1]

well i sat here all day and i finally had my heart set on calling the phone number.but i could not do it. i think my husband got a little frustrated with me and my tears so he dialed the number and it rang once
then a recording
the number you dialed has been disconnected.
so maybe it is a sign from GOD that i am to write a letter. the bad thing about writing a letter is once i get started writing i dont seem to want to stop. i have been told when i write this letter it should only be one page.
but how can i do just one page and say everything i want to say. it is like putting me in a COACH store and saying i can only buy the change purse. what good is the change purse if you dont have the matching purse and wallet. i hope you all know what i mean maybe it would have been better to say it is like taking a child to a candy store and telling that child that they could only have one piece.
one page
what can i say in one page
i think one page is not to personal
i would like to tell her why she ended up where she did
family history
some medical backround
my contact information for when and if she ever chooses to get a hold of me
i hope you all know what i mean
but i dont want her to feel like i am pressuring her in any way.
I would like for her to be my NEW BEST FRIEND and see where that ends up

am i asking too much

sorry for rambling on but this is my only way to vent, my husband is a great man but i think through the 16 years of marriage and hearing about her and seeing how depressed i get when it comes to each one of her birthdays drives him crazy. i know he just want me to find her so that way our family will be complete. even if she doesnt want any part of me
just to know that she is happy and well would do us a lot of good.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by MamaS

EZ - Do you remember the scene in the movie "The Shining" where Jack Nicholson takes an ax to the door of his family's apartment and says "Here's Johnny!"? Something about this sort of brings to mind some unknown person crashing through the door of a home screaming "Here's Mommy!"

You know, most birthmothers are not demonically possessed. I can't honestly think of one birthmother I've ever met in my entire life who would barge through the adoptive family's door, screaming "Here's Mommy!" Most of us do put a lot of thought into the reunion process. And I think a lot of birthmothers would be more than willing to have a two-sided, respectful relationship with their children's parents.

Originally Posted by MamaS

Maybe still in high school, or being sent to college by those unimportant, nervous, suspicious babysitters who have been posing as parents all these years. So forgive us if IRL the aparents are still concerned more for "the best interest" of their child instead of "what the bmother wants".

Wow, why the facetious remark? I really doubt that any of the birthmothers here on the Birthparent Support forum believe that adoptive parents are "unimportant, nervous, suspicious babysitters", as you put it. I've never heard any adoptee here on the forums refer to their parents in this manner either. And the underlining of their child is really unnecessary. Believe me, we know that already...