[alinev]

Thanksgiving mom - I actually believe that there are still "many" aparents who tell their children very little. It makes me a bit nuts because I have seen the damage the lying and deceit have created up close. Additionally our culture has come to a point where childhood is extended until people are 30 - living at home and still having mom and dad foot the bills or even if the child/adult is living away - the parents are still involved in every aspect of the child/adults life. It has even been given a term "helicopter parenting" because parents are always "hovering". Obsviously, I am not a supporter of this school of child rearing.

That said, when contacting anyone for the purposes of a reunion, it is for them, or for ourselves? And although convinced that we will be bearing the gift of ourselves, it the possiblity of a negative impact on that persons life thought through. Assuming an aparent never tells an adoptee about their life - horrible in my book - is it really up to someone else, someone they don't even know, to break the news??

My dad belives he fathered a daughter years ago, and unfortunately and much to my devestated amazement, has not interest in contacting her. I have thought about it endlessly and have posted on the reunion board. My dad is easily googled but he has not been contacted, who am I, sister or not, to tell her about her life? I would love to meet her, I would love to belive that she wants to meet my sister and I but I HAVE NO IDEA what she knows or would want.

[Oceans]

CM: ((( HUGS ))) I know you'll find her eventually. If I come across any other sources, I'll let you know. Also, I’ll ask my niece for some input. She has the entire scoop on teen internet stuff... Way more "with it" than I am...

((( Scatterbrain ))) Your post was so bittersweet… It made my heart hurt a little.

TG Said...

And the adoptees that spoke out on this board were not all 18 year olds - are we not listening to them even now? I truly believe that not enough weight is given to what adoptees have to say.

I second, third and fourth this. We need to listen. As a person who has stepped into the Mom role of a teen, I can tell you they have their own opinions about their life. By 16, they want to make their own choices – think about yourself at 16 (I say to no one in particular). If you were adopted wouldn’t you have at least wanted to know there was an attempt at contact? Wouldn’t you have wanted to be a part of the decision? I know I would have…

Of course, prior to 18 the aparents need to be involved – I’m just saying I personally don’t think its right for the teen to be kept out of the loop indefinately.

But CM’s DD is 19 and I think her Mom has shot herself in the foot here. She may be right, DD is not ready for contact but CM wants to hear this first hand. This whole thing has become harder than it ever needed to be. All the Mom had to say was I spoke to DD and she said no… She should have asked.

By making the decision for DD, the Mom now runs the risk of being wrong about DD’s feelings, has lost control of the situation and is no longer a part of the process…. If I were an aparent, that’s not a position I would like to be in…

Alinev: I think reunion is for the person who initiates contact. My search is all about my desire to know my son. If he doesn't want this fine... We both have to want the same thing but I will never know what he wants until I reach out. I'm also willing to face a "No". I don't think by asking, I'll cause any damage to his self esteem or long term emotional health...

So is reunion always about the child? I would say no... Should it be? I don't know. Maybe, but I wouldn't mind a little sanity around my adoption experience as a birthmom. This might be controversial but TPR aside, I feel I deserve it after all these years.

Or at least the chance... kwim?

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by alinev

That said, when contacting anyone for the purposes of a reunion, it is for them, or for ourselves? And although convinced that we will be bearing the gift of ourselves, it the possiblity of a negative impact on that persons life thought through. Assuming an aparent never tells an adoptee about their life - horrible in my book - is it really up to someone else, someone they don't even know, to break the news??

Who is reunion for? I'm not sure and I hope I'll never have to live "reunion" as my DD's adoption is Open right now. However, I think that the reaching out and letting someone know that you're there if they ever have questions and want answers can most certainly be for both parties. If you have medical information to provide, that's certainly of benefit to the adoptee. And after two decades of being praised for our "selflessness" I think it's okay if birthmoms want information too.

With regards to the assuming aparents never tell adoptees, who's to say that now going through the aparents for reunion is going to change anything? Which is more bothersome: someone they don't know, but are biologically related to, breaking the news, or the adoptee never finding out and being lied to forever?

I would love to meet her, I would love to belive that she wants to meet my sister and I but I HAVE NO IDEA what she knows or would want.

I guess part of my concern is that who's to say that her parents would have any better idea? They may, and they may not.

Just like you questioned reunion "is it for them, or for ourselves" - who is the aparent protecting when they say the child isn't ready without talking to the child? Are they really protecting their child or could it be that they are the one's that aren't ready?

I'm not sure of the answer, just something else to think about.

[thanksgivingmom]

Scatterbrain, I also wanted to comment on your beautiful post. I think that a lot of us firstmoms truly do want our children's parents to be a part of the process and to be there for them in the way that only they, as parents, can do.

It only becomes frustrating when we want so badly for them to be a part of the process, and when they want to stop the possibility of the process even happening...

And I can certainly appreciate the Momma Bear desires of protecting her child. Even though I legally have no right to actually do those things, I can't help the instinct that kicks in on a visit to catch DD if she's stumbling, wipe the water away that splashes in her eyes, and to keep her from picking up yucky things she finds on the floor. (At 16 months old these are some of the memories of our most recent visit). When her Mom lets me participate in these moments it's so wonderful and special, but equally awesome is watching her Mom have those moments, because I know DD will be safe and protected.

[chunkmomma1]

After all the crap last week, and how I was feeling. I woke up this morning feeling at peace. Like I had to no longer worry about Courtney, well as much as I was. I no longer have to worry about pleasing her mother or worry about her feelings.
She did not send me any pictures, and I think I am grateful for her not doing so.
I guess I have come to realize that if and when Courtney wants to find me she can. Heck my ex-husband found me on the internet.And I have spoken to him in 19 years.
Wow this internet can be good for some things other than work.
So if I have to wait 10 to 50 years at least I know she is ready, and I most diffently can be found.
So now I want to Thank everyone for your susport. I will drop in from time to time, but for now I have other children and a granddaughter that needs my attention. I wish you all luck in your quests and I hope if any of you are in my shoes that you
will learn from my experience.
Hope to hear from you all.
I NO LONGER NEED ANYONE TO BE ME.

I am on myspace in case you are curious. I am (chunkmomma )

[Oceans]

((((( CM )))) So happy to hear this!! I think how you are feeling IS normal. We can't stay on the rollercoaster forever!! Take care of yourself, your kids, and your gbaby!! Your day with Courtney will come...

[loveajax]

I agree with Oceans...I also wanted to say that I am sorry this happened this way...Is Courtney in high school? I'm just wondering if she is heading off to college or out of the house next year, it may be time to just locate her/contact her directly then. It doesn't sound like Courtney has had any say in this at all yet.

Until then, I can see just sort of letting go and enjoying your other children/granddaughter. This stuff is so stressful.

[browneyes0707]

(((CM)))

You never needed anyone to be you

I hope you enjoy your time with your children and grandchildren, and don't take anything for granted!!!

We are here if you need us!

[chunkmomma1]

Well here we go again.

to begin now I know why I was at peace, the lord was preparing me for the news I was going to receive later that morning. My daughter - n - law is pregnant again, no I am not happy about this at all. she cant even take care of the first daughter let alone another, my oldest son has stress issues that he gets from his father and they get angry at the littlest things and things begin to fly.

This is my question.
I have found Courtney on myspace.com and she is also on facebook. But she uses the word Rama by her name
what is Rama??
does anyone know??
anyways she is gorgeous.
she has my eyes, my hair color, and my chin.
yea at least she ended up with the good parts of me, well most of them the chin thing is not to good.
but she seems to have my personality!
No I have not emailed her yet,
I can not seem to bring myself to do that. now that i see her i dont want to scare her off and then for her to close her accounts.
but i have saved the pictures she has posted on her pages
is this anything like stalking her??
oh i am so very happy about Courney, and then I am so disappointed about another grandbaby. what a life we live.

[quantum]

No, you are not stalking! I'm so glad you found her and know how to reach her when you are ready!!

Don't worry about the Rama, I use it too sometimes! I call myself Tam-a-rama! I'm guess it's just a cute thing or an in joke with friends. I think there was a Saturday night live sketch ages ago where someone stuck 'rama' on the end of everything.

Keep us updated!!

[Oceans]

Woo Hoo !!!

I am so HAPPY for you!!!! My answer... Don't worry about the Rama thing. Honestly, if that's the worst thing on her page you have it good (I cringe when I look at some!)

Oh CM.... I am just thrilled for you!!! Thanks for letting us know.

(Sorry about the DIL but your new gbaby will be a gift - just let yourself be happy you found Courtney for awhile!)

[sstuart]

I am so happy for you CM and I do not think it is stalking. What great news. I waited about a year after I found my daughter to contact her.

[agathaj]

welldone on finding her...I too have copied photos...I don't think it is stalking. If they didn't want to be seen then they should make their pages private. My bdaughter posted new photos today = wonderful. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy... I know so much about my bdaughter's life thanks to myspace.