[Oceans]

But that's ok. She may not be ready but Courtney might be and that would be my next step to tell adoptive mom your thankful for her efforts and it's time for you to seek her out on your own if she isn't ready/willing to help.

But no she isn't a bad person or mother. Just scared. I don't think she had bad intentions.

Suz - I completely understand what you're saying and agree it's a possibility but there are also alot of other possibilities that aren't so nice.

C deserves a chance to tell her story to her DD without the amom's influence. Amom had an opportunity to be a participant in this reunion and has chosen not to. I don't think there is any reason that C should "show her hand" at this point with regards to her next move. She knows that amom is not open to the idea so honestly, I don't see an upside to C telling amom that she is going to pursue contact anyway.

In fact, it may end up worse than it needs to be for Courtney... kwim?

[dpen6]

chunkmomma,

Was this a closed, semi open or open adoption to begin with? (sorry if I have missed that info if its already been stated)

Were supoose to have gotten pictures right aong and never did?

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

I think she did the best she could, she tried to reach out to you. To share things with you (things she felt safe sharing). But it was all moving to fast for her and I can see how she felt pressured into talking to her daughter about it and talking abotu a re-union.(not that it was bad or anything) just that she wasn't ready for it.

Suzie, I'm curious as to whether you've read the entire thread. The email communications were carried out at the adoptive mother's pace. She asked some very inappropriate questions, such as what was the name of C's employer and how much money does she earn. I'm sorry, but those types of questions are pretty crass.

I've been dealing with search and reunion issues for many, many years now. And it was pretty obvious to me from the start that the amom had no intention whatsoever of allowing reunion to occur at this point, if ever.

The point here is that C acted with a lot of respect, just by contacting the amom first. C had every right to directly contact Courtney, since Courtney is legally an adult. But out of respect for the amom, she approached her instead. As I recall, before C even initiated the contact with the amom, she asked everyone's opinion here on the forum on how to handle it. And a lot of aparents responded that she should approach her daughter's amom first. So that is exactly what C did.

I don't think she's judging the amom harshly at all. She's hurting and angry, and I don't blame her at all. She did NOTHING wrong.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Amom had an opportunity to be a participant in this reunion and has chosen not to. I don't think there is any reason that C should "show her hand" at this point with regards to her next move. She knows that amom is not open to the idea so honestly, I don't see an upside to C telling amom that she is going to pursue contact anyway.

Oceans, I totally agree with you on this one. I do NOT think that there is any reason that C should tell the amom what her future intentions are about reuniting with her daughter. Courtney is an adult, plain and simple. The amom had the opportunity to help direct the reunion. She could have made it a thousand times easier on everybody by being part of the reunion, but instead she's choosing to be an obstacle.

[chunkmomma1]

this was my reply to her.

You may not be reading this but I want to let my feelings out on this whole situation.
I am very hurt by your decision. I have answered every question you have asked me. You have shared things about you and Courtney and I am very grateful to you for sharing with me.
I feel like I have not pressured you in anyway.

From your e-mail, My heart is breaking!!

I have waited 18 years to see what kind of young lady she has turned into. You've said before that you sent pictures of Courtney over the years to the agency for me to recieve.
Please send me some pictures of Courtney to me for my own peace of mind.
I will be looking forward to the day I get your call or email saying the time is right.
A Friend

so that was the email I sent her I did not want to be hateful. I did not want to seem angry. but I wanted her to know I was hurt by this.;
I am hoping she will email me some pictures, but I know in my heart she wont do that.
Now I am cooled down I will continue my search for Courtney. When I find her and she tells me that she does not want anything to do with me. I will tell her that it is okay, and I will try to understand. I want it to be her choice not her moms.
Now the only thing I have to worry about is the mom packing them up and moving to another country.

[rainmon]

if the women does not at least send childhood photo's... it does not mean she is scared....or pressured..... it means she is just selfish. (IMO)

[Archive]

"When I find her and she wants nothing to do with me..."

Chunkmomma--Don't do that to yourself. Right now you know that the a-mom can't handle this. That says nothing about how Courtney feels. Most likely she has not been told that you have had contact with her
a-mom. You WILL meet someday. At that time you can discuss how each of you feel and she can see your honesty and feel your heartfelt words and she will know that you have been waiting her whole life to see her again.

Your letter to Courtney's mom was wonderful. I know you are hurting so terribly. I hope you get the photos and that the a-mom took time to reconsider communicating with you.

Please please take care of you right now!!

[Suziebearhugs]

Wow! I loved your letter. Hopefully it will touch her heart as it has touched mine and she will reconsider.

[browneyes0707]

Chunkmomma:

You did nothing wrong from what I see. You gave this woman a choice to be a part of this and she can't see past her own fears to do that. The questions she asked about your finances were highly inappropriate and judgemental. She probably didn't know how to handle things, but that's not an excuse to turn and run. Adults hang in and try to work through things for the sake of their children. I'm sorry that she is not acting like an adult. She put herself in a position where she may have to explain her behavior to Courtney one day, and it doesn't put her in a favorable light. You hold your head high and rememeber, YOU took the high road, and you behaved in an respectful and caring matter. That WILL count for something one day.

Suzie: I understand the scared feelings, but the child is 18. It doesn't matter if the mother is ready for this, or if it's moving to fast for HER, it's not about her. Chunkmomma adressed the envelope to both of them, and she chose to open the envelope knowing who it was from (she said she recognized the handwriting). She could have handed it to C, or told her about it, but she chose not to. If she wasn't ready, she should have passed it off to C in case she WAS ready. And if she felt that C wasn't able to handle this because of some extenuating circumstance, she should have said something to that effect and been honest with Chunkmomma, given that she has demonstrated her ability to be respectful.

It doesn't make her a bad mother. But it does make her self centered, and I would be suspicious of her intentions from here on in to act in an upfront manner.

[alinev]

Playing devils advocate for a second, best case, a child knows he/she is adopted, has always known, is 18 or 20 for that matter. Bmom or bdad, now wants contact but aparents are concerned because child has any number of other things going on in their life ie. social pressure, college pressure, things ANY parent, bio or amom, bmom with other kids, would be concerned about adding a "reunion" to. Eighteen to 25 can be a tough time for people, having a bmom make contact could be the best thing or a not so great thing. As an aparent, I think I would like to be given some consideration as to whether or not my child is in a place to deal with a reunion so that I could broach the subject and help them work through it if necessary.

I am reading a lot of "they are 18 so go ahead and make contact" with no worries about the aparents. Adoptees have also stated that they would not like to be contacted "via" their parents but how many 18 year olds feel like they can conquer the world. As a parent, it's not about me - only about my children. I would never assume that my children don't want or shouldn't have a reunion unless circumstances suggested otherwise. Why then would bmom's assume that a reunion is going to be a good thing for an adoptee - particularly if their life circumstances are unknown.

I guess what I am getting at is that I have read a lot about bmoms who want to get in touch, have been waiting to get in touch, but I am not seeing a lot of regard for where the adoptee might be in their lives or in their need or desire for reunion.

My DH and I are prepared for contact at any time and will do our best to prep our boys, but I am not sure, even with our help, when and if our son's will be ready. Why would it be so wrong for us to want to help postpone the process if they are not ready?

[Archive]

Alinev-I am an a-mom too and I think we should be preparing our children all along--not when their birthparent contacts. Your children may not be ready, or your children may be the first to reach out and want to contact their first-parents. Are you preparing them for that as well? Are they comfortable enough to share those thoughts with you? We talk about our children's first parents a lot. Sometimes I bring them up, sometimes the children do. We are in closed adoptions (not by our choice)--2 international and one domestic which was closed by her first-mom's decision. Our girls express a great interest in wanting to meet their first families. Our son did have interest when he was younger, but is now going through a very ANGRY phase and wants nothing to do with his first family. I think this may change later. He is struggling through grief and it always comes out as anger for him. I was the target for that anger for many years and now he is choosing to place that anger on his first-mom. I pray that he will work through that anger and can heal and will some day be ready for a healthy relationship with his first family.

[thanksgivingmom]

The problem becomes when the aparents make the decision on their own without talking to their child (no adult child) about it. At what point then do aparents get to stop deciding what's best and let their children make a decision for themselves?

Fine, if not 18 and not 20 then when? I believe that there are some parents (NOT ALL, please don't misunderstand) that can always find a reason to postpone the process. There will always be a reason that the child might not be ready. It starts at 18 when they're starting college, and college is tough so that bumps us to at least 22...then grad school? First jobs? Can't interrupt that...Then they're in relationships and that's a lot of work, so we don't want to mess that up...Yay! They're getting married! They've got so much on their plates now....KIDS!! What a handful! Still no good opportunity for reunion....hmmm...

Now for some, maybe they don't want reunion until they've gone through life, but shouldn't they have the option without having to go through their aparents?

Scatterbrain also brings up a very good point: Even if you do talk to your children, the reality is that they may not be comfortable telling you how important reunion may be to them...they might not want to hurt you and therefore may not want to ask you questions or tell you all of thier feelings. I've seen this happen in situations as well and the aparents just take the "disinterst" to mean, "not ready" when in fact it's out of respect for the aparents and not wanting to upset them.

And the adoptees that spoke out on this board were not all 18 year olds - are we not listening to them even now? I truly believe that not enough weight is given to what adoptees have to say.

[chunkmomma1]

I have taken the weekend to think this whole thing out. I am still very hurt by the amoms choice.
There is nothing I can do to change her mind.
So since I can not change her mind I will keep looking all over the internet for Courtney and with a little luck I may find her.
But I will not let this whole thing bring me down.
The amom has every right to cut me off, but I think she should have shared the letter and the e-mails with Courtney.

so I am on myspace.com, myyearbook.com, hi5 , bebo, facebook, and now livejoural.com

If anyone has any other web sites that may be handy please let me know.
thanks for all your advice and help with my case. YOU ALL ARE AWESOME !!

[belleinblue1978]

My mom was pushing me to search at 18 because she felt a relationship would help me find myself. I think it would have and maybe I wouldn't have had some of the anger and grief and experiences that I have had down the road.

If a first mom chooses to contact adoptive parents out of respect, that's nice, but I certainly don't think it is necessary. And whether or not aparents think it is the right time.... legally that kid can do what they want

[Archive]

Chunkmomma--I hope that you and Courtney are able to reunite and I hope when that time comes that her a-mom will make a turn around and be supportive of your connection. Even if you and the a-mom do not see eye to eye I hope she can support Courtney. You have been very kind and respectful in your communications and it is clear that you have attempted to work things out and hoped for family support.

Thanksgiving Mom-- I hope hope HOPE that when the time comes that my children involve me, whether it be in supporting them through the process or just being there to lean on. I, of course, being a protective mom want to take control of the situation and read every communication and oversee the first meeting and probably every meeting after that....

Not that I don't trust their first-moms, it's just the mother-bear mentality. And yes, I realize that this is unrealistic and probably even unfair to my children and their first-mom because I also do not want to be a barricade or nuicense either.

On the other side, my two oldest children>ages 11 and 9 want to hear their story over and over again, but do not want to share their thoughts and very inner feelings about their firstmoms with me. They do talk to each other however. I don't think that it is as much not wanting to hurt me--at this age they don't get really concerned with that. I think it is more that they think I can't understand. They believe that my interest or care is infringing on their very personal connection with their firstmoms. It is secret to them--their thoughts, wishes, beliefs--and they do not want anyone to disprove the images they have in their minds of their firstmoms.

I hope that I can be supportive and understanding even when I am apprehensive. I also hope that outside of their reunion that my children's first-moms and I can sit down and share our dreams and wishes for our children and that we can have a friendship that grows and strengthens because of our mutual love for our children. I would love to share all of the ups and downs and to tell her of all of the proud moments and the exciting things that are happening with our children. I hope that their first moms know that they are loved and that our children are growing strong and independent and would love to squash the worries of "where are they...how are they...what do they look like..."

I want that for our children too. No one knows how many nights I have rocked my children and dried their tears because they are concerned about where their first mom is, do I think she is ok?, is she dead or alive?, do they have any birth-siblings?, who do they look like?.... and how many nights have they kept those thoughts and others to themselves and not shared with me or anyone else.

Open adoption has it's difficulties, but for the children especially I think it is a really good thing.