[lady_taz_78]

I am a birth mother who has had a rough time accepting the adoption of my oldest child. My life has not been the greatest, and I made poor choices that lead to the adoption of my daughter, and I regret it everyday. Some days are better than others but there is still alot of pain.

I was 16 when I got pregnant and I had her 3 days before my 17th birthday. I was married and ready to take on the responsibility of having a family. I didn't know how rough it really was. My husband was abusive,my family turned their backs on me, and I had no-one to turn to and no-one to trust. I did my best to try to resolve the issues I was dealing with, after trips to the ER for being beat DHS was called in they were worried about the safety of my daughter. So I had them to contend with as well as problems at home. I left my husband and moved in with relatives, and things started to get better, but who knew I would be stupid enough to let my husband come back. I took him back in hopes that he would change fat chance, and one thing led to another and he not only beat me , but my daughter as well. I tried to rush to the hospital and he would not let me go he continued to beat me, and he took off with her. Needless to say somehow I managed to get her and take her to the hospital. Once we got there they started examining me and I told them to tend to her first. I had strangulation marks around my neck and she had no real visible trauma, and they still were tending to me. Well while I was in for x-rays the DHS worker went and got papers from a judge stating that the state was taking her. I was in shock and dismay. They took her. I have never been the same since.
I fought hard to get her back, but after being in foster care for 2 years they finally decided to set up an final hearing. At this hearing they were hearing testimony from me and my husband, on why we thought we should have custody of our daughter. (we were no longer a couple by this point)
My husband got on the stand and stated a load of BS,and It was my turn I basically said that neither one of us deserves to have her in our care, and I stated that I made mistakes and that she was better off with her foster family she bonded with them for over 2 years, and that if she were in my care I would be afraid that my ex and his family would torment me, and try to take her from me, and I could not do that to her again!
The court said I did the right thing but I feel the pain of that everyday.
I have thus moved on in my life I am remarried and have 2 children. I have had alot of therapy, and I am still not whole. I am scared about what she will think, I am scared that she will never want to have anything to do with me because of the choices I made. I know in my heart that I made the right choice,but I don't feel like I did because of having other children. I feel that that will be my biggest down fall when it comes time to meet her, and it scares me.
I just want to know if any of you have had a similar situation and what you do to ease your mind.

[jrainbow]

I'm an adoptee and not really what you asked for. Of course, I don't know what your daughter will think but I do know what I would think.

I would be grateful that you loved me enough to protect me. I would thank you for putting my needs and my well being above your own. And I would appreciate the sacrifice that you made for me. I would, also, understand that at 16, you weren't the same person you are today and that you didn't always make the best decisions. And, just as with my bmom, I would hope that sometime I would be able to tell you that.

In addition, I hope that your daughter would be able to add that she had a good life with parents who loved her and cared for her and that you did the right thing for her.

That is all that I told my bmom and I hope that someday your daughter can tell you that herself.

I wish you peace.

[lady_taz_78]

Thank You for your reply. It means alot.

[Jackiejdajda]

My husband got on the stand and stated a load of BS,and It was my turn I basically said that neither one of us deserves to have her in our care, and I stated that I made mistakes and that she was better off with her foster family she bonded with them for over 2 years, and that if she were in my care I would be afraid that my ex and his family would torment me, and try to take her from me, and I could not do that to her again!
The court said I did the right thing but I feel the pain of that everyday.

My goodness.. I am so sorry..

I believe that one of the main things us birthmoms need to do is forgive ourselves.. let go of the guilt..
I know I had places where I was lost when I was giving my son up for adoption.. but my son was my priority.. as was your daughter..
You husband was a ‘wrong’ person and you entered his world and you got hurt.. you got your baby out of it.. good for you.

I have thus moved on in my life I am remarried and have 2 children. I have had alot of therapy, and I am still not whole. I am scared about what she will think, I am scared that she will never want to have anything to do with me because of the choices I made.

Finding our kids and then reuniting with them is a process.. sometimes a very long process..
How old is she now? Can you find her?

Have you attempted a search?

I know in my heart that I made the right choice,but I don't feel like I did because of having other children. I feel that that will be my biggest down fall when it comes time to meet her, and it scares me.

But you did not have these kids with the man that abused you.. You got out of there.. You did a very brave thing and made sure your daughter was safe and okay.. My goodness what mother love is in that.. In my world its incredible mother love..

Change your mind.. turn it around.. look at the good that happened.. that is my suggestion..

I just want to know if any of you have had a similar situation and what you do to ease your mind.

I had conversations with myself.. I told myself I would never ever get into that kind of situation again. I promised myself that I would get strong.. and would learn how to put up boundaries.. and I promised myself that I would think good things about myself.. I would stop me when I was beating me up..

Talking about or writing about this stuff is so darn important.. No blame on you..

Jackie

[bajj]

I agree with what others have said. I also wanted to add that having other children is a sign (to me, at least) that you were able to get the help you needed to get out of that lifestyle. It shows you've grown.

I can't imagine your pain of losing your daughter, but I can feel your love in your post. You did what you felt you had to to protect her.

[Jackiejdajda]

bajj

I also wanted to add that having other children is a sign (to me, at least) that you were able to get the help you needed to get out of that lifestyle. It shows you've grown

Picking the wrong man is something I did when I was young.. I struggled my way out of making the wrong choice.. something to be proud of..

I read in one of my books that when we go into a difficult situation (like a reunion) we need to bring with us memories of when we are strong.. When we know we did the right thing..

Jackie

[Tudu]

My oldest just said to me in therapy last week that her parents didn't even care enough about her to better themselves after they were gone. She feels that if they made the effort to make better choices, she could be proud of them at least for that. Her situation is much different than your daughters but if this 11 yr old sees it this way, I am sure your dd will. We all make best decisions with the information we have, you are no exception. You did what you felt was best, she will see that and be proud of how far you have come.

[lady_taz_78]

My daughter will be 13 June 13th. I know what state she is in, and when the time comes I will find her, she has my address, phone #, email address, social security #, and all of my vital info, she even knows she has a brother and a sister. If any thing happens to me, or if I get into a situation that the kids are removed from my care her adoptive parents said they will take the kids in no questions asked.
Something I set up along time ago.

I know I have moved on and bettered my life, but a part of me feels like my daughter will never forgive me for those choices I made. I tried to do everything right, and I tried to be a better parent to her than what I had growing up, and while she was in my care I let her down, as well as letting myself down. I know I made the right choice by letting her go, but it still brings alot of pain to me, it has been 10 years, a long 10 years, but I feel as if it happened yesterday. I know I had to change my life around, make different choices, change my attitude about myself... Honestly after I lost my daughter I did not want any more children, because I failed her, but I ended up pregnant and I promised her adoptive family and myself that I would never put myself in a place where any harm would come to my other children. And here we are today and nothing is the same as it was then, I have a better outlook on me, life, and the kids. I know it makes a difference but I don't know how my daughter will react I guess its fear for the un-known.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I read in one of my books that when we go into a difficult situation (like a reunion) we need to bring with us memories of when we are strong.. When we know we did the right thing..

Jackie

Sounds like good advice! I'll have to try and remember that.

[Jackiejdajda]

Tudu wrote

You did what you felt was best, she will see that and be proud of how far you have come.

We get on with it.. don't we..
There was a time in my life when I was being very selfish and I was addicted to something that did me harm.. I can remember thinking (bson was in his twenties) that I had better watch out or I would meet him when I was a total loser..

I got my life in order..

bajj I use that a lot in my life.

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

lady_taz_78

I know I have moved on and bettered my life, but a part of me feels like my daughter will never forgive me for those choices I made. I tried to do everything right, and I tried to be a better parent to her than what I had growing up, and while she was in my care I let her down, as well as letting myself down.

You wrote in your first post.

I took him back in hopes that he would change fat chance, and one thing led to another and he not only beat me , but my daughter as well. I tried to rush to the hospital and he would not let me go he continued to beat me, and he took off with her. Needless to say somehow I managed to get her and take her to the hospital

.

What kind of life would that have been for the child.. Those years are the most important in forming all the most important things a person needs to form when growing up.. Her thoughts her emotions her ability to sort what we all need to sort.. would have been handicapped.. buried..

I think you are a hero.. I think you loved your daughter more than anything.. more than yourself..

I know I made the right choice by letting her go, but it still brings alot of pain to me, it has been 10 years, a long 10 years, but I feel as if it happened yesterday.

I think our grief keeps going till we are ready to find that very elusive acceptance.. Accepting what we could not.. can not change..
I know I was angry with myself when I finally grieved the loss of my first born.. And I was angry in buried part of me a part that I suppressed..
I needed to tell myself that I would never ever allow myself to be in a position like the one I was in.. when I relinquished.. again..

I know none of us are perfect and life happens.. but I made sure I was and am strong.. in my self..
An act of love..

I know I had to change my life around, make different choices, change my attitude about myself... Honestly after I lost my daughter I did not want any more children, because I failed her, but I ended up pregnant and I promised her adoptive family and myself that I would never put myself in a place where any harm would come to my other children. And here we are today and nothing is the same as it was then, I have a better outlook on me, life, and the kids. I know it makes a difference but I don't know how my daughter will react I guess its fear for the un-known.

Trust the journey.. and take care of you in case she is into some bitter thoughts..
I read the posts of the women that have had to deal with bitter adoptees.. I try and give them support but what I think is we all need to get solid with ourselves.. learn how to deal with all the guilt and all the pain around the relinquishment.. come to a place of acceptance in other words..
Accepting life as it happens.. and we do not have control..
You did the best you could and you know you have done the right thing.. finding a place in your body where you really understand that may help.. it helped me..

Jackie

[lady_taz_78]

I want to thank all of you for the replies. IT has been helping. The reason I put my story here is to try to start the healing process. I have kept all of this bottled up inside without telling any-one except for my now husband. It feels good to finally let it out and to share my story. I still have to come up with a way for me to deal with the tears, the pain, and the over all fears, but I feel that now the process has started. Thank you all so much for the advice and the kind words it is very much appreciated.

[stillhavehope]

I also gave up a child at 17,due to my life being a mess, and not wanting his to be the same. I had my son for 6 months. I waited almost 35 years for him to find me, fearing his thoughts about my decision to place him. Thankfully, he understood and has the life that I hoped he would have. Somewhere there will be a place for me in his life and his adopted children's lives, and his adoptive parents' lives. Fear is our own worst enemy. Good luck in your journey and keep positive thoughts.