[wonderingkatie84]

I am a college aged adoptee studying family services. This semester I'm interning (for credit, but I'd do it even if it wasn't for credit) at a local adoption agency. My supervisor has encouraged me to come up with and proceed with a kind of pet project for the semester and after extensive discussions with my supervisor, I decided that I wanted to do what I could to start an informational packet or file that could be distributed to birthmothers post-relinquishment for the agency. Obviously, I want the literature I include in this to have an overall supportive and positive feel without downplaying or dismissing the loss and grief that occurs on the part of the birthmother. I'm especially interested in this kind of information because my younger sister (also adopted) is currently pregnant and making an adoption plan. So far, I've had a very hard time finding any books/articles that are directed toward or written by birthmothers who placed their babies since the late 70s but who have not yet begun to search or do not plan to try to reunite with the children they placed. Don't get me wrong-I think that taking the steps to search and contact are wonderful, but I also don't think that reunion stories or stories of birthmoms who were coerced into placing or just had an extremely negative experience on all counts are the kind of thing that will be helpful, healing, or comforting to a woman who has very recently placed a baby. Again, I'm interested in anything that anyone who has been through this in say, the past 25 years, came across shortly (within a year) after placement that they found comforting and not overwhelming or depressing without applying a blanket "everything will be ok" message. Sorry to come off so clinical, but in the interest of objectivity and "science" in a way, I have to. Having said that, I will be thrilled to get any feedback whatsoever because there is a truly woeful gap in adoption research when it comes to birthparents. I've been working on this for hours and hours and hours a week for almost half a semester now and only have a pitiful little handful of articles and books that I think are relevant and helpful, whereas if I had decided to work on anything involving parenting adopted children, I'd have a ridiculously large body of literature by now. As an adoptee, it really makes me indescribably sad that there seems to be so little formally published information and help for birthparents. I hate to think that my birthmother may have had to just suck it up or wing it when it came to feelings of grief and loss. I can only hope that she was comforted at least a little tiny bit by knowing that considering her age and where she was in life (she was only 15 when I was born and adopted and from the very little bit of info I have, wanted to finish high school and go on to college) she probably made the best decision for both me and her. I hope wherever she is that she accomplished those goals and any others that she had that I don't know about. Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. I would really, really, really appreciate anything any birthparents can tell me or point me to. Thanks!
~Katie

[KimEverson]

Well Katie...I don't know what I can offer but I am willing to try!!! Of course I am not "younger" I am now 37 but I remember that time in my life like it was yesterday!!! I remember EVERY emotion, feeling, & tear!!! First I want to start off by saying I was an 18 year old high school GRADUATE who found herself pregnant!! My mother is an AWESOME mother & did NOT coerce me into my decision...as a matter of fact she gave me NO feedback or opinions in the situation because she knew that I base the decisions of my life on her opinion so she stepped back & let me make the decision alone...I'm glad she did!!! I had no money & I did NOT feel it was my mother's place to raise my baby so I decided to look at adoption!!! Well...as you said there were NO resourses anywhere...I was lost & trying to make a life changing decision that would affect more than just me!!! A friend mentioned a lawyer that did adoptions so I went to talk with him!!! He didn't offer much advice but he did have a family that wanted to adopt my baby even though the baby was from a white mother & a black father they both being white didn't care. They wanted a closed adoption....so I went with the lawyer to the court house & signed the paperwork!! AFTER signing the papers I was told that I couldn't change my mind, I couldn't see her, & I could not contact her until she was 19 years old and she could not contact me until she was 18. On January 27, 1990 I gave birth to a baby girl!!! My mom was there the entire time & she LOVINGLY covered my face with a washcloth during the labor so I wouldn't see her...BUT I HEARD her cry & I cried!!!! Then they whisked her away!!! The next day the head nurse asked me if I wanted to see her & I said I wasn't allowed...she said "this is MY hospital & I make the rules on this floor" and so I said yes. Well, I thought she would wheel her into me in one of those little baby beds...WRONG she carried her to me, placed her in my arms & left me alone with her...SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!! I CRIED & CRIED as I spoke to her...I have NEVER regretted my decision & that is because the MINUTE I decided place her I detached myself from her...I knew she wasn't mine so to speak!!! BUT I NEVER stopped loving her, or wanting her!!! On January 27, 2008 (her 18th BD) I registered with this site....I had NO plans in searching for her until she was at least 25 because I didn't want to disrupt her life but I wanted to make it easy for her to search for me...well in March I noticed the "adoptee search" area on the home page & curiosity got to me!!! I thought to myself...if I fill it out what could happen??? They weren't going to arrest me...well March 15th I got an email from her!!!! She had been searching since she was 16 & she found me!!!!!! We know for a fact that I am her birthmom because I received a picture of her at the age of 7 months for Christmas that same year & I emailed it to her & she said "THAT'S ME"!!!! We haven't met yet but we do email often. Her parents aren't comfortable with the situation so I just have to wait but I have waited 18 years!!!! I have NO negative experiences and the only pain & saddness I had was just from missing her!!!! The hardest part of all of it was my son was born January 29, 1995 she was 5!!! I was admitted ON HER BIRTHDAY & all I did was cry & pray to God to not let it be that day!!! I hope this helps you because getting this out sure helped me in a way...I am having a hard time accepting her parents not being comfortable but I will get over it...lol If you need anything my email address is KimEverson@aol.com

[Mommy2131227]

Katie,

I applaud your for your efforts in putting together some resource information for moms considering adoption. I placed my son for adoption over 10 years ago through an agency and at that time there was little to no information for me to read up on and see how other girls in similar situations made their decisions and what the process was like for them.

I was barely 18 when I placed my son for adoption. I'd gotten involved with the wrong guy and knew that I wasn't ready to be a parent so adoption was the clear choice. The guy signed the papers relinquishing his parental rights.

I worked with a wonderful agency who not only houses pregnant teens that want to parent (and provides them with parenting classes) but those teens who want to place their child. When I was there the housing was full so I lived with one of the women from the adoption department. She herself was a birth mom in the 60's and had a much different experience than I but was a wonderful resource to help me through the process.

I was given the choice to have an open or closed adoption. I decided on a somewhat open adoption as I wanted to be able to have some type of contact with the adoptive parents after the birth. I then filled out a form that had all the things I was looking for in adoptive parents. This had everything from what state they lived into if they had pets. It was very extensive. I checked off only those things that were important to me.

Once that happened then I was given a stack of "Dear Birth mom" letters to read. There were so many and I happened to come across one and I just knew they were the perfect couple to adopt my baby. Once I'd chosen them they came to visit at the agency.

I asked them tons of questions and instantly felt at ease with them and loved them! They were so warm and had so many of the save values I had and grew up with. They even had a dog that was the same name as my childhood dog.

I was induced and at the last minute decided that the adoptive parents could be present in the room when our baby was born. They were so excited; they were jumping up and down and hugging me. I also decided that I wanted to have the adoptive mom hold him first and that I would hold him later. The labor was long and the adoptive father kept running to the bathroom to get me cold washcloths. He even let me hold his hand (which he swore I broke) during labor. Looking back it was wonderful having them and I wouldn't have changed it for anything!

After he was born we had some time together as a family and looking back I realize how important for us. We laughed, cried and really bonded. Then it came time to say good-bye. This was so incredibly hard I can't even being to explain it. They let me take as much time as I needed. The emotions ranged from happiness that it was finally all over to utter devastation that I wasn't going to see him until he'd had his 18th birthday. I told my son how much I loved him and that's why I made this decision. I told him I felt confident that we'd meet again someday soon. I gave him lots of kisses and wiped my tears from his face. His parents assured me that they'd send pictures and letters once a year around his birthday as we agreed. Just before I handed him back to his mom he opened his eyes for me and just stared at me. It was like he understood I was doing this because I loved him and it was all going to be ok - I know this sounds crazy but it's what got me through a lot of lonely nights later on.

When I was done saying good-bye they wheeled me out of the delivery room into my own room. This is when it really hit me and the grief started to overcome me. The tears flowed and I'd never felt so alone in my life. My parents while they supported my decision didn't know how to be there for me so they chose not to. I had no-one there for me that I really needed. Thankfully the social workers for the agency were and helped me through a lot of it, but it just wasn't the same as having family there.

Going back to 'normal' life was hard but each day was a new day and each day I became stronger. I went back to college and felt out of place with my classmates, they were carefree and had little worries. I wondered constantly how he was doing and prayed he was ok. I tried to find books that would help me deal with all the emotions I was going through, but again, everything I found was from back in the 70's and wasn't remotely similar to my experience.

About a month after he was born my parents decided they wanted to meet him. Through the agency the adoptive parents were contacted to see if this was something that they would agree to, and they welcomed the opportunity. It was a wonderful day but so hard saying good-bye again. Since that was the case I decided that I couldn't go through that again.

The pain never goes away and I think about him each and every day. What DOES help is knowing that he's so happy and so loved. The letters and the pictures I get each year around his birthday assure me of all of this. I feel that without those I would drive myself insane wondering how he is and how's he's doing. There is no truer saying than a picture is worth a thousand words.

11 years later I'm married and have a 1 year old daughter. The life I have today wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't made the choice I made back then. My daughter, like my son has a wonderful life. If I'd chosen to parent I don't know that my son would have a wonderful life. He would be loved, but sometimes that's just not enough.

I hope this helps you and again, I'm glad you're putting together something that has updated information for moms considering adoption as an option. I hope that books on the topic become more readily available and I'd be happy to share my story for publication if someone felt it'd be useful!

[Isabo]

(((((Mommy2131227))))),

I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your child in the DELIVERY room. That was completely inappropriate. You should have, at the very least, had time alone with your child in your hospital room, if you were committed to leaving the hospital without your child. I hope that you were given the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as you wanted to, and that you were not rushed into saying goodbye. I am also sorry that your parents were not there for you, and that you only had an agency worker to support you. However, I am glad that the adoptive parents have honored their commitment to you to stay in contact.

Kim,

The attorney that you worked with had a conflict of interest and should have advised you that he could not represent both you and the adoptive parents unless you waved the conflict. If you waved the conflict, he did a terrible job of advising you and protecting your rights. Either way, it sounds like he was negligent and or unethical in his contact with or representation of you. From your story, it sounds like you signed the papers BEFORE you gave birth. Is that accurate? If so, I have never heard of any state where a mother can legally sign binding papers before birth. Also, I would love to see the statute that prevents you from searching for or having contact with your minor child simply because you relinquished your parental rights. The law simply does NOT provide that first parents are restrained from contacting or speaking with children they have conceived, unless there is a restraining order put in place due to dangerous or threatening behavior. The information you were given sounds like the typical misinformation campaign waged by many adoption agencies and adoption attorneys when dealing with first parents. Personally, I was told I had 6 MONTHS to change my mind, when actually I only had 3 weeks to file paperwork necessary to fight to reinstate my rights, with another 3 week appeal period provided. You were lied to, plain and simple, just as I was. I am sorry about that.


Wonderingkatie84,

I admire your project and your desire to help first parents. I would also like to see you investigate the information the adoption agency you are interning with provides to expectant parents BEFORE relinquishment and the amount of pro- relinquishment "coaching" these expectant parents receive versus how much time is spent exploring resources for them to parent. IMO, Expectant parents working with an agency generally expect the agency to provide them with all information necessary for them to make an informed decision. IMO, an adoption agency which fails to provide all information to expectant parents is acting coercively. The adoption agent who successfully worked to relieve me of my son spent exactly zero minutes discussing parenting with me. She was pro-relinquishment all the way, and there was no discussion with me about available parenting resources or any information about the grief and loss both my child and I would likely feel as the result of our separation. We need information before relinquishment, as well as after. In fact, I would have preferred information before relinquishment, if that was the only information given to me.

I am very sorry to hear that your sister is in the position where she feels that making an adoption plan is her best option. Where are your adoptive parents? Are they reaching out to her, offering her help? I hope that you are able to fully explore parenting and the grief and loss aspects of relinquishment with her BEFORE she signs any papers. I have lived with this loss for almost 30 years, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Finding out this information after relinquishment will do her little good, when it is too late to change her mind. Adoption works for some, but not all, by any means. My son says that some adoptees win the adoption lottery, but that he did not. Those are his words, not mine.

Thank you for the project you are doing. It is important.

Edited to add: I know I am not a younger first mom, but I thought it was important to point out how these moms who have given you their stories could have been treated much better and more fairly. In addition, please do not dismiss the stories of us older moms, even if we are not happy about our adoption experience. The fact that we are now speaking out about what happened to us is helping to "clean up" the industry a bit and keep agencies and adoption attorneys acting more honestly than they used to. It used to be that first parents had NO VOICE whatsoever. That is changing now, and that is a very good thing for younger moms and adoptees alike.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Actually, mothers from ALL generations, coerced or not, need to read the good and the bad. They DO help in healing. Trust me. Our stories may differ in specifics but the underlying grief and loss remains the same.

Books to read:
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Lifegivers by James L Gritter

[Mommy2131227]

[quote=Isabo][color="Blue"][font="Verdana"](((((Mommy2131227))))),

I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your child in the DELIVERY room. That was completely inappropriate. You should have, at the very least, had time alone with your child in your hospital room, if you were committed to leaving the hospital without your child. I hope that you were given the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as you wanted to, and that you were not rushed into saying goodbye.

Actually it was in the labor/delivery room. If you read the post again you can see that I had as much time as I needed and it was exactly as I had requested. Nothing about it was inappropriate in my eyes as it's the way I wanted. During my whole time working with the agency it was exactly as I and the adoptive parents wanted it. We worked together as a team to make each decision we made was not only right for us but for our baby. YOU made the assumption that it was inappropriate.


The adoptive parents are fantastic. We discoverd about 5 years later that we live in the same area. I've run into them a few times (each time they didn't have our son with them) and they were so gracious and wonderful to me. It was like they were seeing a long lost friend. They've even invited me to their house if I choose to. As I said before I don't know that I could see our son each time and then say good-bye again. Over 10 years later I'm probably at a place in my life where it wouldn't be so much of an issue.

[KimEverson]

Isabo

WOW....Isabo I did NOT know any of that...of course when you are young you only think you know things...lol I am 100% sure if I would have let my mom "in" on my decision I would have known all of the things you said because knowing my mom she would have researched everything!!!! Now just to clarify something...I DID make the decision alone when my mom stepped back...then I listened to the lawyer & went with him to the court house & signed papers without even telling my mom that I had made my decision...I just thought my lawyer was on my side I guess!!! My mom was soooooo hurt that I didn't discuss my decision with her first & years later my brother told me that my mom confided in him that if I would have told her of my decision she would have tried to talk me out of it because she wanted me to keep that precious baby girl...my mom is an amazing woman...EVERY year ON my daughter's birthday my mom called me...never once mentioning my daughter but just making sure I was okay!!! And sadly we really never mentioned her...when I received the email that my daughter found me of course my mom was the 1st person I called...man what emotions we went through & you know after 18 years I found out I wasn't the only one who missed her & hurt for her...my mom did too. She said she never discussed Jordan with me because she was afraid it would hurt me & I did the same for her...she did talk to my step-father often though you know just to ease her own hurt...but the most awful thing is...the GUILT my own mother experienced I never knew that....she told me that when I told her all of this guilt that she thought she put away came back. She said when we hung up she went to my step-father & cried!! She said one thing she always feared was Jordan showing up on her doorstep (she still lives in the house I did when I had her) & she said..."what was I going to say to her when she asked why" & she said she always pictured Jordan hating HER because she let me give her up....my poor mom...funny we as birth parents & probably adoptee don't realize it effects more than ourselves!!! Jordan herself eased my mom's fears & her guilt too!!! Trust me when I say to you Isabo...my mom won't be told of what you said...I will waller in that guilt alone!!!! Thank you for sharing it with me though you made me realize that I didn't really make my decision alone!!!!

Kim