[kakuehl]

Are there phrases that bug you? I was reading a thread and was once again struck by the phrase "your adoptive mother" when writing to a woman who has relinquished her child. I guess it bugs me because while the woman may be my child's adoptive mother, she is not my mother. She adopted my child not me. It's a small thing, really, and I think it really is intended as a shorthand meaning "my child's adoptive mother." Unfortunately, I hear it as I, the birth mother, am being adopted as well. I know this is a linguistic quirk, but I am bothered by the phrases "our birthmother" or "my adoptive mother or parents."

What are your pet peeves?

[Mommy24]

I think I have to many to list.......
But one that really bugs me is anytime someone mentions that I "gave away" my child.

I blogged about this once, my child is not a purse, a pair of shoes or a new blanket. I did not "give" my child away, I placed him into the arms of his mom and dad to love and cherish and raise as their own.

[lahdh4]

"our birthmother"

1) the woman is still pregnant so she isn't a birthmother
2) she is the childs (should she decide to place) birthmother, unless by some freak of nature she was in your past and gave birth to you, was frozen in time and then is pregnant again and considering adoption once more.

[kakuehl]

2) she is the childs (should she decide to place) birthmother, unless by some freak of nature she was in your past and gave birth to you, was frozen in time and then is pregnant again and considering adoption once more.

My thought exactly! Maybe, in addition, part of my problem with both "my/our birthmom... my adoptive mom" when so named by the parents, NOT the child is that I feel like I (the bmom of D) have been reduced to an object, a possession.

Also, I did not "give away" my child, I gave away the right to parent my child (not the right to love him.)

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy,

Hoping I'm following this right. Did D's mom send him a letter and sign it "your adoptive mom?" How come she didn't just sign it "mom" or something? I would be a little rattled by that too if I were you AND if I were D

I have to admit all these different titles and psuedo-names get confusing but I understand why they're in place.

Also, addressing the "give up" thing. I think for women like me when we first come into the forum, this is how we feel...like we "gave up". It takes some time to get over the guilt and start using terms like "relinquish". It is a whole new language coupled with a new way of thinking.

Also, that is the term that was often used by agencies and hospitals back when I reliquinshed my child.

I looked up the term relinquished in the Merriam-Webster. It says 3 things. Reliquish:

1. To withdraw or retreat from; leave behind.
2. Give Up (as in relinquish a title)
3. To stop holding physically; to give over possession or control of;

Interestingly, it goes on to give synonyms; one of which is surrender. Here is what it says about surrender:

Implies a giving up after a struggle to retain or resist.

I think I like that best. Surrender. Sounds closest to what we go through to me. I think that's the term I'll use from now on.

Have a good one!

Janey

[kakuehl]

Janey,
I must tell you that these terms have not been addressed to me personally. I read them in various threads throughout the forums and I have a visceral reaction to them.

[JustPeachy]

"Gave up" is one of my biggest pet peeves, too, that or someone saying I "abandoned" or "rejected" my baby. I try not to get too caught up in letting semantics bug me, but those words/phrases do get to me. I understand those were the terms used way back when, and even I used to say "I had a baby and I gave him up for adoption" but I much prefer now to say "I made an adoption plan" because that speaks to the truth of my situation. It required a lot of thought and careful planning over many months, and I don't feel I gave him up at all. If I gave him anything, it was the best start in life and the opportunity to have so much more.