[thanksgivingmom]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I have to adamantly agree with everyone else. Get out of this now!!! If they're not making time for you now, my gut says they're definitely not going to make time for you post-placement.

Find someone whose needs meet yours with regards to openess and how you see that. Best of luck to you and please keep us updated!

[belleinblue1978]

RUN do not walk... RUN from all of this. If they don't have time and aren't interested in meeting now... they aren't going to have time later....

[pwheatle]

They might seem nice now because you have something they want. If you are not considered 'important' enough to meet with when you are essentially holding their future in your uterus what will happen when they get what they want? I am an adoptive parent and I have to say meeting with the expectant mother or in my case the first mother as baby was all ready born meeting her was very important to me. Not only did I get to put a face and an actual account as described by her about the baby, her pregnancy and what brought her to adoption but I could also then let her know from my own lips that she owed me nothing and if at any point in the process she wanted to change her mind that was her right.
Run if this does not feel right.
Tricia

[RavenSong]

I agree with everyone else on this issue. If you do not feel comfortable, please RUN, DON'T WALK! This goes for the agency, the attorney, and the PAPs. You don't owe any of these people anything.

This is your child, and you have absolute control over where he or she is placed. If the PAPs can't even be bothered to meet you before the birth, it doesn't bode well at all for future contact. They'll always be "too busy".

[musemoon]

I'm chiming in here too....please look into your resources, each city has a website that lists their social services to help families. I would seriously consider parenting your child and RUN from this aweful agency, remember this is YOUR child!

[Oceans]

I find it interesting that they have had time to attend their own baby showers <inappropriate btw>, shop, and plan on parenting at some point <time zapper in itself> but no time to meet with you. I can't help agree that it sounds like the agencies fingerprints are on this - they may have *tainted* these PAP's opinion of adoption - which is sad but certainly not your problem to fix.

Honestly, OA is in the best interest of the CHILD. It sounds like no one is on board with that (don't they read?).

I think you have hit the trifecta of "bad adoption scenarios"! I am really very sorry!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Oceans

I find it interesting that they have had time to attend their own baby showers <inappropriate btw>, shop, and plan on parenting at some point <time zapper in itself> but no time to meet with you. I can't help agree that it sounds like the agencies fingerprints are on this - they may have *tainted* these PAP's opinion of adoption - which is sad but certainly not your problem to fix.

Honestly, OA is in the best interest of the CHILD. It sounds like no one is on board with that (don't they read?).

I think you have hit the trifecta of "bad adoption scenarios"! I am really very sorry!

I hate to be such a skeptic all the time (especially as an adoptive mom) but boy, I agree with you here...Our agency really impressed upon us the importance of open adoption - in fact, they spent most of their time showcasing how wonderful it could be...I'm not saying that open adoption is the "right" way for "everybody", but I am a bit surprised by some of the comments that were made to the OP

It just seems to me like this couple is already feeling "put upon" by the idea of contact - as well as the attorney.

It seems like the couple is ready to be parents - but not as prepared to be a parent of an adoptive child...

(But who knows what they have been told or are feeling - I'm sure they are genuinely nice people, but they seem very misguided)

[josh1788smom]

I had one other thought to add.

A lot of people will not have a shower until they are close to delivering because they want to ensure everything is ok. The entire support group of this potential adoptive family (WOW that was harsh, I took out a WHOLE GROUP of people) seems a little off to me. I understand wanting to show support for these people and show them you care, but having a child is WAY more than having all the fun of the showers and gifts. There is a natural order to things, and when you are adopting the natural order says you don't act like a callous person to the expectant mother. My fear would be whenever you wanted pics, updates, visits, or whatever PAP (then amom) would say to her friends _____ wants a visit, only to have them say "you don't owe her anything - why doesn't she leave you alone, etc, etc, etc". The whole thing does not pass the smell test.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

I had one other thought to add... The whole thing does not pass the smell test.

INDEED... IT STINKS!

Susan

[bromanchik]

DValentine? How are things going?

[dvalentine]

About and hour or so after my last post, PAP's said that they had an open day and time, and they they would love to meet my mom and I. Unfortunately, that open day and time was three days later, and I was unable to switch around various appointments and responsibilities to meet with them. :/ I'm in PA, and they were going to be in MD visiting family, so I asked them if they would prefer we go to MD and meet them, and they could meet the father as well. If all of us would be able to meet at one time, it seemed well worth the trip, and missed appts. They responded and didn't even acknowledge my questions regarding anything except for the date and time. I would have thought that they would want to meet both my self and the father? I have also spoken with a woman at my doctors office who's daughter lives much closer, and is looking to adopt. She was incredibly nice, and she and I spoke about her daughter, and am going to continue to explore my options with them as well. PAP's are still dictating the 'terms' that they're comfortable with as far as updates... Every 3 months for the first year, then every 6 months til grade school, and then once a year. When the agency asked if I wanted an open adoption with the chance to meet and speak with the PAP's, I (foolishly) assumed it would be just that...

[ocracoke]

I really have to say again that I don't think this is the family for you. You seem to be looking for a truly open adoption and the PAP seem to be looking for minimal contact and are not interested in you. As an adoptive mom I understand being focused on the child. However, if I had aopted for domestic infant open adoption then I would be expecting to have the birth mom and the birth mom's family as part of my family too. I have 5 birth siblings all adopted into different families, their siblings are also my siblings. Until you reliquish your rights this is your child alone. You get to pick and choose what you want. And make sure that the adoptive parents will honor that request. If you already feel like you are insignificant in their eyes then walk away -- fas5t. If this PAPs want what they want then they are really looking for a closed adoption. You need to make the best choice for you. Parent, stay with this couple, or pick another couple. This is your choice. Not theirs.

Samantha

[portlowski]

Another adoptive mom popping in here. If you want an open adoption I suggest finding a family that si excited about openness and sees it as a benefit, not something to be tolerated to "get" a child.

There are some good books out there about open adoption, like "The Open Adoption Experience" and "Making Room in Our Hearts". I would suggest asking this family (if you still really want to consider them) to read up on the idea beofre you meet.

If you sign the relinquishment papers, you will lose all the legal "power" but before you do so you still hold all the cards (I'm sorry, I hope that doesn't sound crass, I hope you know what I mean) and you should not feel guilty at all for asking them to do things on your terms. You are considering giving all your parenting rights to these people and if they are the right match for you they will be willing to do what you need to feel secure that you are making the right choice. You are the one who will have to live with this choice for the rest of your life so please take your time and don't do anthing that doesn't feel right. They'll get over it, and their feelings are not your responsiblity. You owe them nothing.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for the update!

Personally, I'm not a fan of calling sporadic updates an "open" adoption. It's semi-open at best. And if that's not what you're looking for then I think you really need to re-evaluate that decision. Stick to your guns and if that's open adoption, there IS a family out there for you!

[lahdh4]

This just isn't sounding kosher with me. If this is what they are talking about an open adoption being there are confused as that is a semi. You and your child deserve much more then that.
I get the "too busy" now and I am in an open adoption. You don't need this hassle.
Go with someone else.
hang in there.