[josh1788smom]

Last night I was reading different threads on here. Some provoked some interesting thoughts in my head. So I wanted to expand on those with others. One (old and closed) thread had digressed from its original content of the expectant mother trying to deal with the thoughts that she would likely place her child because of a host of various reasons. One amom's comment was along the lines of adoption is a good way out - to paraphrase. Anyhow - that is where the thread digressed, and I imagine the negativity that followed that comment was what led to the threads closing. BUT it started me thinking - do any of you birthmoms that feel like your parents or others, that asserted WAY TOO MUCH of their thoughts and beliefs into your life, feel like they did so because adoption was the "out" they were looking for? They were not prepared or properly equipped to aid you in this situation so they needed an out?

I felt like I could relate to that. My parents shipped me off to my Aunts house because "she had a daughter that had placed and she knew what to do." When I begged to come home (it required a flight) they told me NO. I had to get another Aunt to get me a plane ticket and the bfather picked me up at the airport. Nice. Funny thing, as I think back on it, I don't know how I ended up at that Aunt's house. The younger sister of the cousin who placed had an abortion when she found out she was pregnant because she saw how hard it was on her sister. I went to one meeting at the agency and BEGGED to come home.

Does anyone else feel like it gave someone an "out" and they then forced it upon you?

[lahdh4]

I can relate. My ex allready had 2 kids when we were pregnant. He only talked about adoption. I can still hear him to this day.
He knew how to work me.

[Oceans]

do any of you birthmoms that feel like your parents or others, that asserted WAY TOO MUCH of their thoughts and beliefs into your life, feel like they did so because adoption was the "out" they were looking for? They were not prepared or properly equipped to aid you in this situation so they needed an out?

Absolutely 100% - I told them I was pregnant and wanted adoption in the same sentence. I felt it would defer my "punishment" as it were. Within 2 weeks, I was living at a family friend’s house with "my kidney infection" and the private adoption was set. My parents were relieved (they told me). To me it felt like an arranged marriage. I fantasized about parenting but never brought it up.

I had the opposite of what most have. I was constantly told how "proud" they were of me and what a "wonderful" thing I was doing - I was actually smothered in positive reinforcement which left me too scared to tell the truth.

Fast forward 25 years and my niece tells me she is pregnant and had chosen adoption - again, same sentence. I am embarrassed to say every fiber in my body was screaming at me HooRay!! Set it up for her as fast as you can!! She & I had been working at college planning for the past year. This was potentially the end of MY dream for her....

Thankfully, that thought was only momentary, I *knew* what she was only saying - "Please don't be disappointed in me."

I was no saint as the "parent" figure in all of this. She knew intuitively what I "wanted". All I knew was she needed to explore ALL of her options in depth which we did. By the time she had her baby, I wanted her to parent, she chose adoption. The day she signed those papers I thought I was going to have an aneurism (no lie). My head was about to explode.

I think it is very reasonable and probable that parents will immediately jump on the adoption train - For whatever reason - embarrassment, worry for their child, their dreams dashed etc. And, throughout history, this may have been reinforced in an emotionally violent manner – and also in the overly kind manner which was my situation.

IMO - Anyone with an unplanned pregnancy who is dependant on someone else (due to circumstances) is at the greatest risk for influence – for either parenting or adoption. In the case of teenagers, I firmly believe that their parents need the same amount of counseling (if not more). In my recent experience, I was told by many to “keep out of it” or “it’s not your choice”. I understand why parents push back negatively when they hear those words today – they are very un-empowering and un-supportive. I think, with greater focus on counseling for their support systems, we will come along way in preventing the mistakes our parents made with us.

Sorry for the looong post

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

BUT it started me thinking - do any of you birthmoms that feel like your parents or others, that asserted WAY TOO MUCH of their thoughts and beliefs into your life, feel like they did so because adoption was the "out" they were looking for? They were not prepared or properly equipped to aid you in this situation so they needed an out?

Does anyone else feel like it gave someone an "out" and they then forced it upon you?

Thanks for this thread. I think this is a very astute observation.

The pressure on me to place (in 1979) was never voiced directly to me, but was rather from a lifetime of indoctrination that every child needs to have two parents in order to grow up healthy and happy, and that if an unmarried woman got pregnant it was already a sign of her emotional and moral instability, both of which rendered her unfit to raise a child. There was the stigma of "illegitimacy," which was seen as a cruel thing to do to a child. And there was also strong pressure in my family to have adoption be considered a "loving choice" because it was an alternative to abortion.

When I learned I was pregnant, I heard all of these voices in my head. I couldn't even tell my parents until I was well into my second trimester (and I was 22 years old!) and when I did, like Oceans, told them I was pregnant and placing in the same sentence. I, too, felt it would ease the blow, deflect some of the judgment that was sure to come--and DID come--as soon as I told my mother. "I didn't think you were that stupid." "You are forbidden to talk to your brothers or sisters about this. I will handle my other children." "How selfish of you to do this when your (married) sister is having so much trouble conceiving. You should give the baby to her."

I felt that my parents would see my pregnancy as a "mess" I had created, and felt that I had to prove that I could "clean it up." Of course, it wasn't a "mess;" he was a baby! But the shame I brought to my traditional Catholic family made me feel I had to do whatever they said so that I could make up for hurting all of them.

The speed with which my parents helped me with the closed, private adoption left my head spinning. My aunt was put on the job and found a "good family." And since I was going to relinquish anyway, there was "no need" to reveal the pregnancy to any more people than was absolutely necessary. We couldn't upset my grandparents, and we couldn't set such a bad example for my cousins, so I was basically "hidden" for the duration of my pregnancy.

The adoption happened; I saw my son in the delivery room, never touched him, never held him, and never saw him again until his 28th birthday last July. From the beginning of the reunion, I began to discover that my son had not had a happy childhood or adolescence. He had not been treated as a precious gift from God as I had been "promised." Little by little my son has revealed the details and at each visit I learn more of the horror that was his life. I recently found out that there was physical abuse in addition to the emotional abuse I had already learned about. As each visit approaches, I wonder what more there could be and I fear what I might learn next...

As the information about my son's life began to unfold and I shared it with my mother, it became clear that she was still so invested in this adoption being a success. One day she told me, "I know you don't think you made the right choice to give him up, but just before he was born I wrote you a letter telling you that if you changed your mind and decided to keep your baby, your father and I would help you in any way we could." I was speechless--I had no recollection of this letter. And then she told me that I had told her not to mention this again, or I wouldn't have the strength to go through with the adoption. I have no memory of that response, either. But I do know that the "mood" in my family, a family that absolutely adores its babies, was strongly biased towards giving this child a "good home" and I understood that that couldn't be with me, because I was single and "a sinner." What my mother offered was too little, too late. The damage was done. I couldn't believe or trust that her offer of support was sincere after years of having a different value drilled into me and months of "help" in placing my baby.

Since our reunion began it has often seemed that my mother has been more invested in wanting to prove that the adoption was the right thing to do because it would force her to face her own role in it. We all thought I made the "problem" go away. My son was a secret in my family all these years--only my siblings and their spouses knew. We kept the secret from the three children we raised and from their 23 cousins. Since the reunion began, my mother has constantly pressured me to encourage my son to reconcile with his aparents, from whom he is estranged. She has often made me feel as if I was responsible for that estrangement, even though it was going on before I came into the picture and even though I wasn't the one who did the searching! She constantly reminded me that they were his parents (and I wasn't?), as if I could forget that tragic fact if I tried...

However, most recently, things seem to be turning and my mother's attitude is changing. The change began after the most recent visit and I learned about the physical abuse, when I finally told her that if one-tenth of what my son had told me about his upbringing was true, it was more than a child should have to endure. And she asked, "Did she (amother) hurt him?" and I said, "Yes." My mother was very quiet, but since then we've had several conversations and I can sense a new attitude, a new understanding, and a strong effort to support me in this journey. She will finally question and critique the aparents' choices and actions. And she has stopped urging me to help him to rebuild his relationship with them. Last night she told me, "It's like they had no idea how to be parents!" Finally!!!

I have compassion for my mother. I know what it's like to live with the guilt and shame of making a wrong choice so huge that the human carnage continues for generations. My mother is a good woman who is having to face her part in this--her failure to support me as I needed my mother to do, to withhold judgment, to help me believe in myself as my own child's mother, to tell me that I could BE a good mother to him, to be strong enough to try to talk me out of it, or at least to open up that dialogue--all of which contributed to the suffering of my child, and her grandchild. I realize it's a fine line between saying that my parents didn't support me and that they are responsible for what came after. I know that the responsibility is mine. But it would be less than honest to say that the family climate had nothing to do with my choice. And in her heart, my mother, this very good woman who really just wanted to do the right thing (didn't we all?) knows this is true.

I've had to learn to forgive myself for the mistake I made in relinquishing my child and so I certainly forgive my parents for any role they played. And still, we all need to come to terms with what happened back then, tell the truth about it, and learn to live with what we did. This can be done; it's part of the healing process for all of us. My son's adoption was a "group project," for sure. The attitudinal groundwork was laid long before he was conceived. But I know that my parents have suffered greatly over the years. This was (IS!) their grandchild; they participated in the transfer; they always hoped that they would live long enough to see him again someday. I am so thankful that they have!

Ours is a family in need of healing, and I'm glad to be able to report that we're working on it...

Susanne

[SuddenlySusan]

Another awesome post, Susanne.

And, yes, I am glad that your parents lived long enough to meet their grandson. Unfortunately, my parents did not.

I love reading your posts, Susanne!

Peace,
Susan

[josh1788smom]

I am happy for the progress in your family Susanne. Sounds like a family of good women. Best of luck to you as your relationships and reunion progress.