[dvalentine]

I was looking at the website of the agency I found my potential a-f through, and I decided to take a look at the FAQ's for adoptive hopefuls, and found this:

What will our birthmother be like?
Carrying a child for nine months and then giving him/her to another family to be raised is a painful and difficult action. We have found that in order for a woman to plan this and then to carry through with her commitment, she must have some very motivating factors. Some examples of motivating factors can include, but are not limited to, a strong conviction that this child must have a two parent, traditional family, or perhaps the mother is in school and is so ambitious that she will not sacrifice her career for child rearing. More commonly, we have women who find it impossible to raise a child due to financial or emotional reasons. Perhaps the dysfunction is due to something that they themselves have endured or maybe they have several children already that they are raising on their own and they simply have nothing else to give. As a result, the natural mother of your child will, in all probability, not be as “together” as you are or as “stable” as your friends and neighbors. If they were, they would not consider placing their child for adoption. Keep this in mind; it is very important!

I thought it wa, to say the least, biased and rude. Do you think that the families adopting have the same feelings, even if they're deep down?

[Oceans]

Holy Moly!!!! I personally need a minute before I answer - am busy with work and answering will DEFINATELY put me in a wrong frame of mind!!!!! My first thought is how attached to your agency are you?? UNACCEPTABLE. You are not off track in your reaction IMHO.

[kelceesmom]

Yikes, I am an amom and I really do not like what that had to say. I personally wouldn't be staying with that agency.

They definately don't have your best interest at heart. This is a difficult time in your life and you have every right to change your mind and there is nothing wrong or dysfunctional about it.

I'm a little shocked by that statement.

[browneyes0707]

Wow. That's pretty bad.

But what do I know, I'm not nearly as together as an adoptive family would be, after all, I did place my daughter for adoption.

[bajj]

Sorry brown, I know it's not a laughing matter, but you did bring a smile to my face!

I agree, it is bad. I was never told anything like that before adopting. Wow, I also agree with the previous poster who asked if you are attached to the agency.

[browneyes0707]

No worries Bajj. I know you know what I mean

[geogdeb]

Yeah, that's kind of a sad commentary on bmoms. Good grief, I was 17!!!! Of course I was not as "stable" or "together" as my son's aparents! But I was one heck of a stable 17 year old. And going through what I went through hurt me emotionally, but didn't change my stability or togetherness. I agree with the sentiments already written. Screw that agency and the one who wrote that. Talk about judgmental!

I hope that you give this agency and adoption some thought. I know you think you are doing the best thing for you child, but I have read and experienced so much through my own "adoption experience" that I know it is a decision that is not for everyone. And it can be very hurtful for the bparents and child. I am also aware it can be a good experience for the child and maybe a better one for the bparents -- depending on how the aparents and agency handle the situation. Make sure that is the case for you and your baby.

Thank you for sharing that with us. It is discouraging, yet helpful to know that although many years have passed, the stigma attached to bparents still remains.

Good luck and if I can help let me know.

Deb

[belleinblue1978]

Well I have been accused of being dysfuntional, lol. No, not really, but I'm not surprised to read something like that. I knew it was going to be bad when I saw the "our" birthmother thing.

Ok, back to my unstable life, lol.

[Oceans]

Do you think that the families adopting have the same feelings, even if they're deep down? I have to say, I certainly hope not!!

However, some aparents rely on their agencies as their primary source of adoption education. I worry, that if this is how your agency is “educating” PAPs (potential adoptive parents), then yes, this may be the highly generalized view they have. Meeting you in person may change the PAPs mind but they now have a “box” that they can fit you into.

What gets my dander up is they didn’t answer their own question.

1 – Their answer is the REASONS a person places a child with the added bonus of a judgment statement. i.e. “perhaps the mother is in school (Fact) and is so ambitious that she will not sacrifice her career for child rearing (judgment).” This drives me bonkers!!!!

2 – What will our birthmother be like? The answer is quite simply YOUR birthmother will be remarkably similar to YOUR own mother because that's who YOUR birth mother is – Your eventual CHILD’s birth mother is someone who selected you AND signed the Consent to Adoption form. Until then, the person you match with is either an expectant Mom, or MOM. A little snarky but you get my drift

3 – If they truly want a valid question with a posted answer, it should be more like Who are the women considering placing their children for adoption?
Answer: They are woman who love their child enough to explore all of their options and have made a choice of adoption or parenting.
This is about the only generalization that is fair to make. IMHO

I wonder how many birth/first moms are on their staff?? My guess would be none.
Sorry to use your thread to vent but my #1 reason above is one of my hot buttons!

[hollyhunter]

My response "keep this in mind it is very important", Aparents are infertile and bparents are fertile. Aparents have made a place for a child. Bparents were caught off guard and didn't have a place ready. Why put one group down and raise the other one up?Bparents are no more or less disfunctional and unstable than the general population. Or adoptive parents for that matter. I've heard some stories of some pretty messed up aparents. I mean, no offense aparents because there are mostly great ones including my daughters but I'm just saying...there are some better adoption agencies that maybe aren't so ignorant.

[josh1788smom]

As rude as it is to see in print, it doesn't really surprise me. The adoption industry has to perpetuate that sort of propoganda - that is why so many have issues with the industry in the whole.

It is unfortunate because I would imagine many afamilies are having almost as much dis-service done to them as the bfamilies are having done to them with a statement like that.

Thank goodness there are good, educated, intuitive people both as birthparents and adoptive parents. I think whoever wrote that byline for the agency should be fired for the commentary and commend you for noticing it doesn't pass the "sniff" test.

[Saya]

Do you think that the families adopting have the same feelings, even if they're deep down?

I can't speak for all adoptive families - just for myself. But I found that statement not just insulting to all those women who make the difficult choice of placing their child for adoption, but insulting to adoptive families to think they would fall for such negative and biased assumptions. It is presumptuous and is part of what is wrong with adoptions today. I would NOT work with an agency that had this mindset.

Just also wanted to say, I've been thinking about you when I check this board. You've been in my thoughts, and I hope you've been doing OK.

[thanksgivingmom]

Personally, my favorite part is when it assumes that the NEIGHBORS are super stable. Which begs a VERY IMPORTANT question - what if your neighbor happens to be a birthmom???? Does the property value in the neighborhood decrease?

[BrandyHagz]

OMG!

TGM - there are TWO Bmom's on my street....! There are only 5 Houses!

I wonder if that's why 3 of them are in foreclosure...?

[zxczxcasdasd]

Wow.

Either:

A. I didn't realize I had so many unstable friends.

OR....

B. That's just wrong.


I'm going with option B.