[happygmom]

Icky, icky, icky!

These words may be a summary of your agency's experience with "birth" mothers. It you do not fit their profile, I think that you should quesiton whether or not you can trust them.

Yes, SOME adoptive parents do feel that they are more entitled to have children and this agency SEEMS to foster that idea. In their own words, “As a result, the natural mother of your child will, in all probability, not be as “together” as you are or as “stable” as your friends and neighbors. If they were, they would not consider placing their child for adoption. Keep this in mind; it is very important!” Smacks of entitlement to me! Another huge red flag for me is using the possessive pronoun, OUR birthmother. To me it implies ownership of the pregnant mother - ownership of her uterus and of her unborn child. I have been told that I read too much into the “OUR”, but, in this case, I do believe that its meaning is intentional.

When my daughter was trying to decide about adoption, the more we read about it, the more we did not see it as an alternative to our family situation. Take the case of this agency as an example:

What will our birthmother be like?
.... Some examples of motivating factors can include, but are not limited to,:

A strong conviction that this child must have a two parent, traditional family,- Nope, not the case. Anyway, adoptive parents divorce too so no guarantees there.

perhaps the mother is in school and is so ambitious that she will not sacrifice her career for child rearing.- Yes, in college, good career. But not ruthlessly ambitious to the point of not wanting to be a mom too.

More commonly, we have women who find it impossible to raise a child due to financial or emotional reasons. Perhaps the dysfunction is due to something that they themselves have endured or maybe they have several children already that they are raising on their own and they simply have nothing else to give. As a result, the natural mother of your child will, in all probability, not be as “together” as you are or as “stable” as your friends and neighbors. If they were, they would not consider placing their child for adoption. Keep this in mind; it is very important!- Some financial reasons, but they were short term. Stable? Yes. Together? For the most part. Not as mature, perhaps, but on the whole a good head on her shoulders.

So, the more she read, the more she could not see herself as a “birth” mother. She saw no need. Her dad and I agreed!


Happy G'Ma

[crick]

TGM - well DUH! Why else is the market so bad right now? You REALLY think it's the economy?

I'm thinking of writing bylines for agencies myself. I'll share just a sample..

The woman placing a child will be unstable, promiscuous and is in it for the money to continue her party lifestyle.

On the the aparent profile -

The woman adopting your child will be barren, incomplete and promise you anything you want in order to get your child.

In conclusion, please remember we are here for you and wish you the best in a successful transaction. If there is anything we can do, please call us and we promise to play both sides.

Brandy doesn't think they'll hire me. Hmph!

[loveajax]

This is wrong on so many levels...so many. And as an a mom (and the wife of an adoptee), I have to say I am totally insulted by it. I hated our agency for many reasons, but probably the "best" job they did was educating p a parents about the "sterotypes" of birth moms and how wrong they were.

I have a lot of a parent friends, and I don't think any would think like this. Honestly, and I seriously mean it, why would a parents WANT these kind of "unstable" or "heartless" people as their kids' birthparents? I love that I am able to tell DD how wonderful her birth parents are - - it's part of why DD is so wonderful and why I love her so much. Ack!

[browneyes0707]

crick: I don't know why they wouldn't hire you, that's just brilliant!! Just wondering if us birthmoms are a literate bunch and all...

And jeez, it's no wonder why the landlord wants me out

[Oceans]

Yea.... We have a home in foreclosure on my street as well. I am thinking of going over and apologizing tonight.

On the brighter side, NOW I understand why the home studies in our state require a statement (and possible interview) with the aparents neighbors.

[sstuart]

They obviously haven't met my neighbors. I have it so not together that I am getting my master's and have absolutely no debt. But of course I never did. I thought what I did was responsible!! And people wonder why adoption views have not changed and I have a fear they never will. You must just be an ogre to "give your child away" I am sure it was just the drugs.

[RavenSong]

I've been sitting here trying to think of something clever and witty to say, but I'm sorry to inform you all that my illiteracy and emotional instability are preventing me from doing so. Maybe another shot off the old crack pipe will help...

Has anybody read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale? A futuristic novel that may not be so futuristic after all...

Well, gotta go. I'm in the process of canvassing our neighborhood to find these "stable" and "together" neighbors. After all, we have a couple adoptive families living on our street. So logically that must mean that my neighbors are more stable than I. But wait a minute, I'm one of the neighbors, too!

[taramayrn]

I am honestly disgusted. I think it's a sad state of affairs that the agency has the nerve to put this on their website where expectant moms read.

I think you need to run away from this agency and tell them exactly why you left in a letter.

PM bromanchik for some ethical agencies.

[hollyhunter]

But Tara, your forgetting, expectant moms considering adoption probably can't read and they hocked their computer for drugs so its all cool!

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by hollyhunter

But Tara, your forgetting, expectant moms considering adoption probably can't read and they hocked their computer for drugs so its all cool!

Ah, shoot, I forgot, must be all the crack I'm smoking.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I left a reply on the blog that you originally left me. But I'll say it again:

Run, do not walk, away from this agency. If the family won't leave to work with you alone (based on finances they may have already paid into this agency) then they are NOT the family for you. Use this as a red flag and reevaluate your situation but do NOT place through this agency. It will only get worse. Trust me.

[lovemy2boys]

Reading things like that just send chills down my spine...Blech - it's like some creepy "How To" guides from the 1950's - it is so ridiculously misguided.

[Vogi2002]

WHAT!?! This isn't TRUE??? I assumed a homestudy was like a crowning...that we are SO much BETTER than bparents...and if this isn't so then I must say my visual of Tmom hanging out at her computer smoking somthing special just *might* be off base (I said might). hehehehe

Dang...do I have to take off my crown then?


Hehehehe Truely though it is sad...and while I do think many bparents DO place because of a temporary problem / turmoil in thier lives, there are just as many who don't.

Generalizations suck (and all I got was this lowsy crown).