[julie23]

i have been reading the adoptive parents forum a lot... we will be bringing home baby soon... and i totally respect and admire so many adoptive moms on the forums.... so many of them make me wish that i had placed my daughter with them... you know?

and then there are those.... the others... who are probably a lot like my daughters TIDNR* parents.... who just seem always on the verge of "cutting off" the birth mother... (as my daughters parents did without ever even knowing me!!!!)

they seem to always be waiting for her to do something wrong... say the wrong thing... post a picture on her myspace....

they list her "wrongs"... she is irresponsible... "we don't like her values"... we don't want our son exposed to her lifestyle.. .. we can't let him be disappointed if she doesn't show up... so let's just cut her off...

it's like these kind of parents who are all about "loving" the birthmother.. up until they get the baby... then turn into parents just waiting for the right moment to cut that birthmother out of their baby's life... totally forgetting that SHE is the reason they have a baby... and somehow rationalizing the breaking of promises they made in order to GET the baby...

and you rarely read a response to these posts that offers the idea of compassion... and kindness... more often than not, they fuel the fire... encouraging the fellow adoptive mother to cut the birthmother out of the baby's life...

it makes me so sad. you can almost feel the fear... and insecurity...

what makes one adoptive mom secure and confident... and full of love and compassion... and kindness... for the birthmother...

and yet, another is full of fear... and insecurities... and intolerance....

i wonder sometimes, if these mothers treat all the people in their life the same way they treat their childs birthmother...

the woman who chose them to parent her baby... who trusted them....

i don't know... just ranting, i guess... it's just something i don't understand... if all goes as planned for us, we will have a new baby boy in a couple weeks... and i've already planned visits... and i've bought a beautiful scrapbook that i will make for her for his first year.... and i talk to her on the phone... and email... and i just love her... i don't care what she ever does... i will always love her and treat her with compassion and kindness first.... i would pay a fortune for counseling... to mediate any issues.... i would go to any length to make sure she feels loved... respected... and honored....

why is the commitment to the birthmother so very very easy for some to toss away... ?

j

[bajj]

(((((julie))))))

I have no answers for you, just hugs.

[belleinblue1978]

Woudn't it be nice to have those answers?

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hang in there...

And contgratulations.

[RavenSong]

Julie, I totally get what you're saying. Many of the adoptive parents here on the forums are awesome, but a few do seem quite judgmental of birthmothers. It's sad... The few times I have piped in on a thread about closing down an adoption, I've ended up being branded an "annoying liberal" for suggesting that a little compassion and forgiveness goes a long way.

You're going to be an awesome amom. And I think that your own personal experience with grief and loss and relinquishment will help your new son's bmom immensely. Many hugs to you, my friend....

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Julie, I totally get what you're saying. Many of the adoptive parents here on the forums are awesome, but a few do seem quite judgmental of birthmothers. It's sad... The few times I have piped in on a thread about closing down an adoption, I've ended up being branded an "annoying liberal" for suggesting that a little compassion and forgiveness goes a long way.

You're going to be an awesome amom. And I think that your own personal experience with grief and loss and relinquishment will help your new son's bmom immensely. Many hugs to you, my friend....

I totally agree with Raven...I have my own rant about this but it'll only get me in trouble. I will say that I too have been disturbed at what I've read on some of those threads, but it only backs up what I have experienced in real life...it is the same way I am treated by my eldest daughters parents.

(((BIG HUGS))) for you Julie, you're not alone hun! Not that it makes it any better but I do understand what your saying and feeling...and it's why I don't even read those boards anymore. And as Raven said - I think you're going to be a awesome Mom!

[Oceans]

Julie - You and this emom are blessed to have found each other. You are going to me an awsome friend to her because you have already decided you will be... It's not a wait and see what happens.

I wonder (because I am not an amom) if many get caught up in the excitement of having a baby and forget that they are signing onto a lifelong commitment/relationship to the emom. I imagine it's tough when the emom has a lifestyle that is outside the boundaries of most, however, sometimes it's hard to believe there is no workable solution.

You are secure in who you are, know who you will be to her child, and look forward to building a realtionship with this childs mom. All of that adds up to what an OA should be...

BTW: As someone who just helped a loved one with an OA, for putting the dates on the calendar in advance. You can not believe how important that is for my niece. Everytime she is feeling blue, she counts her days, make plans for what she will bring or what she wants to do etc. This has helped immensly.. They also call her 3 or 4 times a week so she can *kiss* him goodnight. If she feels sad, it's at night but if she gets to say goodnight she is over the moon... I am so grateful for they way the aparents treat her, respect her and just plain LOVE her...

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Oceans

I wonder (because I am not an amom) if many get caught up in the excitement of having a baby and forget that they are signing onto a lifelong commitment/relationship to the emom. I imagine it's tough when the emom has a lifestyle that is outside the boundaries of most, however, sometimes it's hard to believe there is no workable solution.

Oceans,

I think you might be right about the excitement and things.

But did you know that more and more women that place are in their 20's, well educated, and lead middle class lives?

My life was never that different from my kiddo's mom and dad's lives. I had a crappy boyfriend that refused to help, I believed that single parenting wasn't good enough for my son, and I wasn't willing to accept help from my parents.

[browneyes0707]

Julie:

The only way that you can mak it better IMO is to treat your potential child's b-mom the way you would want to be treated.

You get it from a b-mom's perspective. She is lucky to have an a mom that has your insight and genuine understanding of what she might feel. You may not change other's perspectives but you can make your own situation the best it can be.

Congrats

[crick]

I really can't speak for anyone obviously, since my kids were adopted from foster care and there is just no comparison there.

Just my perspective though, I think there are a lot of aparents who have every intention of keeping their promises and are not just "in it" to get a baby. I believe a lot of aparents truly do want a relationship with the bmom and for their child to have one too.

However...There is one huge thing that changes after you become a parent and that is your child becomes your utmost priority and you act according to their best interests, not anyone else's. The child is the main commitment, not the commitment to the bmom, imo. And yes, given some of your examples, I can see contact being limited if things become apparent that the child will be affected negatively in any way at all. Internet photos...that can be detrimental and there have been several situations that some have dealt with. A bmom not showing up for visits as planned...that DOES affect a child and if it's a pattern...well, I don't know that any of us would say "oh, just keep making plans and if she doesn't show up again, tell the kid "Sorry...maybe next time!" kwim? You never want to see your child hurt and I can see this type of situation really hurting a child. So as their parent, you do make them your priority first.

I think especially in the case of open adoption from what I see is that often no one has a true idea of what it'll be like or how much work it will take. There is no real preparation, imo, for so many of the emotions and rollercoaster rides they experience and over time, there's this "What the heck did I get myself into?" Not just for aparents, but bparents too, as you well know.

I'm not making excuses for anyone, just saying I think it's a lot more complicated or "grey" than just a "WHOO HOO! We are parents and the bmom can now just fade out." for so many people here. It's not simply a case of insecurity as I think a lot of people like to chalk it up to. Just like being a bmom is not simply a case of a woman not caring about her baby and "gave it away".

Lastly...I think it's important to remember too that just as you vent here, the aparents forum is also a place to do just that. Sure, there are always going to be posters who you can see have their head up their butts or do indeed fit the very thing you've discussed. But even those who are venting can have compassion in the midst of their anger or whatever it is.

I read here all the time and I read things that sometimes make me go "WHOA!" but then really try to remember it's not about me (even though some who know me here know that it is all about ME) and remember too where I'm reading. I know you know this too, because as you said, you do see a lot of great people on there...just as we see on here.

[simplyblessed]

I believe that all adoptive mothers (I, being one) have good intensions to keep the relationship with the birthmother going until she feels the need to protect her child from them. It is a lot more complicated than you think. You need to know the entire story. I was accused of breaking off contact after I got what I wanted. And that hurt. We were just protecting our child from someone who was not respectful of our parenting decisions. I pray you will not have to go through what I did and if so, I pray you will not have to defend yourself from people who think you are just after a baby and not respecting the birthmother.

[aallen25]

I'm not one to post on the birthparents side much but your post really hits home with me right now. I'm somewhat new to the adoption world....our adoption of DD (now only 4 1/2 months old) was extremely quick.
Anyway, DH and I have always had great relationship with K (DD's birthmom). Before DD was born I took K to all of her doctor's appts, we went shopping together, out to eat before appts, etc. We don't see eachother so much anymore (so far only during visits) but I also don't work near her home anymore (an hour from where we live) and with DD I find myself pretty busy. We've only had two visits so far but both have been wonderful...better than I could have imagined! However, I find myself getting so nervous hours before K arrives. I'm not one who is looking for a way to cut off or close our open adoption, but I do find myself experiencing the fear and insecurity you speak of.
I suppose the fear is mainly fear of the unknown. We are sort of going with the flow right now with the openness of our adoption...kind of finding our groove. I mean, we have a set amount of visits per year and all of that but I guess we're getting used to the emotions/feelings that come with basically not only adding our daughter to our family but also K, her boyfriend (not bdad), and her dad. It's very different. And of course growing up when I was dreaming of becoming a mom this is never what I pictured....as I'm sure most firstmoms never grew up dreaming of placing a child for adoption. I hope I'm expressing myself correctly with this...I've been trying to process all of my feelings lately so I'm not sure if i'm making sense so please bare with me.
As for the insecurities, I am also hoping that they will go away with time as we all fall into our "places" or "roles" in this adoption. But how can I not feel insecure when no matter what I ever give DD K has given her something I never could....life.....and that's a pretty big something! It's like one of you said...something along the lines of we couldn't have our children without their first parents. And, of course, I will forever respect and be thankful to K for my DD...I would never cut her off because of this feeling. That makes no sense to me. Plus, in all honesty, DH and I chose OA for our future child (we decided on an OA before we met K), not her firstmom. We felt it would be the best decision for whatever child was placed with us so I would never close our adoption unless it somehow became harmful for DD...which I could never imagine happening.
I don't know....I'm not sure if I even made a point here I guess I was just trying to give the POV of someone who is having some of those feelings. Again, though, I would never close our adoption over them. I look at them as feelings I need to deal with and over time I'm sure I will. Maybe I should have dealt with these feelings before DD was born but I suppose while K was pregnant it never occurred to me I would feel this way. We had a relationship more like that of friends rather than a emom/pbmom and a pamom.
Again, I hope this made sense and came out right. If not I apologize.

[keds]

I agree with Crick - the most important thing is the best interest of the child. Sometimes we all lose track of that, myself included.

I sincerely hope that any posts I have made on these forums (including my rants) are not judgmental to aparents. I feel that we all share the same insecurities. I too, find some posts make me say WHOA but, I hope that I am the kind of person that can see the "other sides" of the triad and temper my initial response to them with common sense.

I must say Julie, your post makes me believe that you truly care for others, not just in the context of adoption. I wish nothing but happiness for you and your family. I do hope that you can build a relationship with your son's bparents for everyone involved.

God bless.

[Oceans]

Crick: Great post...

Belle - Yes, I did know that and thank you for pointing out what could be considered a slant in what I posted. When I wrote that, I was thinking of the posts I have read here about closing an OA and the reasons for it. What I have seen here personally is the gap in lifestyles leads to misunderstandings.

I have real life experience with 2 OA's and both first mom's were in their 20's when they placed. In both OA's, everyone became great friends over time (one is 18 years in the making the other is 4 years).

However, I do have an emotional slant toward teenage pregnancy so I should keep that in mind when posting.

[loveajax]

Julie, first of all congratulations!

I would just echo mostly what Crick said better than I could.

I have had vents on the forums about things that DD's birth parents have done. But it really is just vents and sometimes it's easier to express it here, think about the other side, and "work it through" that way, etc.

Also, to be honest, from an a parent perspective, I have to say that open adoptions are still not really "supported." It took me a long time to tell my parents/my inlaws that we had visits with DD's birth parents. I know that's bad but it kind of freaked them out. I think we have explained well why it is important to us and to DD. And also, I have to say that I believe agencies are sort of presenting the "win-win" aspect of OA, and do little to prepare either parents for the hard work, the loss that still happens, etc.

Also, we have a very good relationship with DD's birth parents. They have always been loving, kind and respectful to us (and of course DD). We couldn't ask for better parents. But even we are having an "important" issue now in that DD's birth parents do not want to tell their other children that DD is their sister. We have a visit coming up and DD's birth mom has expressed this sort of fear of "spilling the beans." I have explained to DD's birth mom why it is important for us not to lie, not to "pretend" that her birth parents are just friends, etc. But am I a little "panicky" about the visit and bean-spilling, yes. DD will be 3 so I'm not that concerned, but what about when she is older, etc.? So I just point that out to say that even in really good situations, OA can get complicated. I definitely have compassion for DD's birth parents' situation and decision not to tell, but I also have to think about what I believe is best for DD. And frankly the only "solution" I see is for DD's birth parents to be honest to their kids and I obviously can't force that...

(Sorry to turn this into my own therapy thread....!)

I am glad things are going well in your situation and I do believe that your experiences will really help I'm sure in your OA.

[belleinblue1978]

Sadly though, not all adoptive parents are like the ones here. The ones here for the most part are trying to learn and want a good relationship.

Think about all the adoptive parents that don't post here. There are lots and lots. Sadly without good counseling and support they may not be able to or want to handle open adoption for whatever reason.

It also almost feels, and maybe I am just overly sensitive, that some adopt