[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

My personal frustration is the fact that I have, in fact, been an adoptee for (almost) 35 years...but the fact that I have been a birth parent for (almost) 12 seems to overshadow that - and I am never allowed to speak as or be identified as an adopted adult.

Even talking about OA (which I have experienced as both an adoptee and a birth parent) seems to be dismissed, because I am also a birth parent and I am clearly, biased.

That's really the only thing that bothers me - that people ignore who I am and how I chose to identify myself. So much so, that I've all but totally stopped participating in all/every adoptee topic on the forums...because after all, I'm a birth parent and that seems to nullify/void the more than 30 years of adoptee experience I have had…

This is, of course, something I also experience in the ‘real world’ which really chaps my hide!

Of course, this only proves to me how clearly defined the roles in the triad HAVE to be for most people. You can’t divide your ‘loyalties’ among many different sides. You either one defined side or the fact that you’re a combination, cancels each other out and you’re rarely heard by either side, both (or all three!) of which you can identify with.

We have a LOT of work to do, on our own, as an adoption community. We are the biggest offenders of adoption prejudice and stereotyping…and only we can stop that!

By ‘we’ I mean the adoption community, collectively. If we’re to busy fighting each other – there is no one left to fight the fight we should really be fighting

I have the same problem Brandy. The fact that I have been an adopted person for nearly 30 years means nothing since I placed my child nearly four years ago. I sometimes participate in adoptee conversations, but, I too, get the well you're a firstmom and I appreciate your opinion but... gah tear my hair out.

[Sniffles]

As an adoptee I love speaking to all the birth moms here. Y'all have helped me in many ways to understand what my b-mom went through and what she is going through now. She has refused contact with me, but y'all have helped me with understanding that. I do not see y'all as being the bad guy, because your not and I do wish that some people could understand/see that.

Brandy your statement just about floored me. You are a wealth of adoption information and you have helped me many times with my "adoptee problems". I know that you are also a b-mom, but to me when we have discussed the adoptee side I have always basically set that aside. It never crossed my mind that you were biased. In fact, just because you are both, it should add more insight. I am quite frankly appalled that adoptees have treated you this way.

[Blessed2x.]

but somehow, nobody everr knows a first mother....

This made me think for a while about any first moms I know of....I ended up counting three..my cousin's first mom, my husband's cousin, and an acquaintence from my teenage years. So maybe the things are opening up a little...? At least in my small world? (Or maybe I am extra interested as an adoptee so people tell me...? I'm a good listener )

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Blessed2x.

This made me think for a while about any first moms I know of....I ended up counting three..my cousin's first mom, my husband's cousin, and an acquaintence from my teenage years. So maybe the things are opening up a little...? At least in my small world? (Or maybe I am extra interested as an adoptee so people tell me...? I'm a good listener )

I always knew first moms too, even before I was one, but I think that is because I'm adopted and when you mention that people that are first moms are more likely to say something I think.

[Gwen72]

I was a firstmom 16 years ago and there are only 6 people that know it ever happened. People make assumptions about you that aren't true when they know you "gave up" your child. Now we are in the process of adopting and a friend of mine asked "why would you want to adopt instead of having children of your own?" After I had a seizure trying not to choke her I was depressed for days. My child will know his/her first mom loved them and is thinking about them everyday and waiting for them to reunite.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I have the same problem Brandy. The fact that I have been an adopted person for nearly 30 years means nothing since I placed my child nearly four years ago. I sometimes participate in adoptee conversations, but, I too, get the well you're a firstmom and I appreciate your opinion but... gah tear my hair out.

Do you notice if this happens with adoptees that go on to be adoptive parents also? That one of thier sides of the triad is more accentuated? Or that thier role as an adoptive parent in any way nullifies thier experience as an adoptee? Just curious.

And I'm sorry that your experiences as an adoptee aren't valued because of your experiences as a birthmom. (That goes for you too Brandy - and any other adoptees/birthmoms reading)

[lahdh4]

SS: I so agree with you!!! I know which thread you are referring to and I think that has helped to throw me into the complete angry mode I happen to be in.
I hate that there will always be a few people, if not a few then many, who will tell you one thing and then turn around and twist that knife and make it sound like they never said anything like that in the first place.
We are told how wonderful, selfless and noble we are for making this decision and then, once those papers are signed, we become: lazy, worthless, druggies and what not.


many days I am just about the whole dang thing.

[browneyes0707]

Adding my own GRRR!!! I've been really quiet around here until just recently, mainly becuse I am SOOOO over it! Things are well in my adoption situation, but lately I'm just so tired of it. Exhausted really.

(((HUGS))) I get it too

[Oceans]

LOL Hrs Hoot, That needs to be the first line of a book!!

Raven: I had to laugh as I had totally blocked it out. The attorney told me the same thing about divorce and being “unfit” when I placed.
To his credit, he told me to never let them get away with that argument – I was 17 at the time and thinking WHAT??? LOL….

I personally have never had anything negative said to my face but I have always “felt” the scarlet woman vibe OR (way more often) I get the “you are so wonderful; I could NEVER have done that.” I’m sure there’s a compliment in there somewhere.

Anyway, I was the reading comment sections of newspaper articles (about another thread). At one point, I began to feel panicky – I actually felt a mob mentality taking hold with regards to their opinions about first moms. Maybe things are worse than they were 20 or 30 years ago…

In the end, I am shocked that ANYONE would actually think that first moms are unloving, uncaring, unfit, and irresponsible, etc, etc. - at least without knowing them personally.

But the thing that I am most surprised at is, our babies are labeled as “unwanted”.

Anyway, it has made me sad that when one first mom falls off the pedestal (right or wrong) we all get thrown into the collective pot – at least in the social conscience.

[lonni]

"Or that thier role as an adoptive parent in any way nullifies thier experience as an adoptee? Just curious." TGMom asked

I think they nullify each other and make me invisible- :~))
lol
Wait, does that mean I am skinny?

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm sure your snarkiness will help keep you from being invisible!

haha!

[lonni]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I'm sure your snarkiness will help keep you from being invisible!

haha!

As long as I can still be skinny in my mind-no worries then;~))

[thanksgivingmom]

Fair enough!

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Do you notice if this happens with adoptees that go on to be adoptive parents also? That one of thier sides of the triad is more accentuated? Or that thier role as an adoptive parent in any way nullifies thier experience as an adoptee? Just curious.

And I'm sorry that your experiences as an adoptee aren't valued because of your experiences as a birthmom. (That goes for you too Brandy - and any other adoptees/birthmoms reading)

I've been thinking about this TG. I really don't know what to tell you. When I was posting on a mixed forum ANYONE who was an adoptee had their feelings discounted. It sometimes felt like everyone thought we were still children. This was before I had kiddo mind you.

I think one of the hardest things for me is that people think they know how we should feel. Either we should be angry or grateful. Heaven forbid we should feel anything outside of those feelings. I don't know how many times I got called the angry adoptee who hated her parents. Which is hilarious because I love my mom and dad to death and wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm almost thirty, YIKES, and still talk to mom on the phone almost every day.

It's strange how people