[Mommy24]

Just a quick reminder, venting is good! However, please remember that we do not want to bring issues from one thread to another. This means no quotes, no talking about specific posts from the other thread, etc...it is ok to vent about the frustration of the stuff from the thread, just not the thread topic itself. Any questions feel free to PM me.


Thanks!!

[mondk]

I am so sorry you all are feeling this way. Please do know that we love our bmom with all our hearts and I think all you gals have done was done very selflessly and putting the child's welfare first. I love you all and feel for you all.

I hope my "need advice" thread isn't the one you are referring to. I just wanted to say that as for me, an aparent, I totally love and respect you all.

Blessings, Michelle

[thanksgivingmom]

I just wanted to say also, as a break from the vent, that there are some AWESOME AWESOME ROCKSTAR aparents that I dig SO much and that I am proud to stand beside!

For me, this is not and never was an Us vs. Them thing.

I truly believe the only way there will BE adoption reform is if aparents advocate for it, I don't think the voices of bparents are strong enough and trusted enough to do it on thier own.

Oh, and adoptees are okay too I guess....JK Lonni! (And all the other awesome adoptees I'm buds with!!!! - oh! and those I'm not buds with yet )

[RavenSong]

I've been following that "other" thread, and it really makes me feel sick, too. I really admire the bmoms who are sticking to their guns on it, though! I just don't have the energy to post on it and risk being flamed.

I think society in general has always viewed birthmothers as "unfit". I come from the "closed era" of adoptions, and most of us were advised to never let our future husbands know that we had relinquished. The reason for social workers giving us that advise was simple: if we were to ever divorce, our husbands could easily gain custody of any children from the marriage on the grounds of "unfit mother." Judges in those years frequently ruled that if an woman had relinquished a child for adoption before she was married, then she obviously was an unfit mother.

Nowdays it seems that instead of being painted as a "scarlet woman" or promiscuous, bmoms are being painted as drug addicts, mentally ill, child abusers, or worse. There seems to be very little differentiation between mothers who place their children for adoption out of love and mothers who forcibly lose their children to the state.

Although adoption as a whole seems to have changed a great deal in the past 30 years or so, i.e., open adoptions, I think some basic societal assumptions and attitudes toward birthmothers still exist. In fact, I think some of those attitudes are much harsher in today's world, probably because so many people are adopting children out of foster care. It was pretty unusual in the "olden" days for the state to remove children from their homes. When I was growing up, most foster children were temporarily in the system because their parents were having financial problems. Most foster kids today, however, are being placed in the system because of child abuse, neglect, or parental drug addiction.

I, too, am sick and tired of always being the bad guy...

PS: To the aparents who have posted on this thread, you're AWESOME! I agree that the only way we'll ever get society to change attitudes toward bmoms is if we work together, both amoms and bmoms.

[belleinblue1978]

It will take all the members of the triad to effect true change on this matter. The looks I get when people find out I am both a first mom and an adopted adult are ridiculous. And the questions, lord the questions.

Part of the problem is that people have to see us as the "bad guy" because they have to have a way to justify our choices. I can't tell you how often I get I asked why I wasn't using birth control. I guess birth control never fails and why in the heck would you ask a casual acquaintance that? For some reason my life becomes something to pick apart once people find out my status.

So I'm a broken, scarlet, mentally ill, drug abusing, child abusing woman in some people's eyes. The hilariarity of that all is that I work where I have to pass regular drug tests and have my criminal background checked on a regular basis for CHILD ABUSE.

We have to be bad in order for adoptive parents to look good. There are tons of adoptive parents out there though that aren't such great people either, but that gets lost in them "saving" babies. Note that I am not referring to adoptive parents here, remember I have been active in adoption reform for alot of years. Lonni will vouch for that one

I figure if I change ONE person's mind about what and who a first mom is, then I have done the world a service. There is one person that is less ignorant walking around and hopefully they will tell one person and so on...

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Part of the problem is that people have to see us as the "bad guy" because they have to have a way to justify our choices.

Either that or we have to be seen as selfless angels. Either way we are "not like" them, because that is something they "could never do". We are set apart because it makes it easier than really understanding the pain and trauma involved in losing a child to adoption.

[belleinblue1978]

Oh the selfless angel thing is great too. My boyfriend thought that when he first met me. The longer we are together and the more he is confronted with my pain and anguish the more he realizes I am just a human being.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I just wanted to say also, as a break from the vent, that there are some AWESOME AWESOME ROCKSTAR aparents that I dig SO much and that I am proud to stand beside!

For me, this is not and never was an Us vs. Them thing.

I truly believe the only way there will BE adoption reform is if aparents advocate for it, I don't think the voices of bparents are strong enough and trusted enough to do it on thier own.

Oh, and adoptees are okay too I guess....JK Lonni! (And all the other awesome adoptees I'm buds with!!!! - oh! and those I'm not buds with yet )

Yes, we have some great APs around whose children will grow up embracing their identity and not ashamed of it.

TGMOM- on another site, there was a private AP forum and they insisted nat.parents and adoptees be banned-even if they were also APS, because they can not be trusted-lol. We also had adoptee and natural parent's forums that were not private.Remember that Belle? So this is not new to us "scorned" before. There is a group of APS wanting reform, and I can PM you the link if you want. I have not read their mission statement though.

[Jackiejdajda]

sstuart wrote

But when I hear society make assumptions that I was irresponsible, probably with an addiction, or just plain lazy. It makes me mad. If I am such a lazy irresponsible idiot, why did they push so hard for me to place. Why would someone want the child of an idiot, who probably has an addiction anyway!!!!!!!

Dr Phil had some folks on that were totally blaming the other for all the problems in their relationship.. "She did this.. and he did that!"
No one actually seeing that what he or she is doing is what is causing all the strife..

I think society needs to do this as well when a thing like you must give up your baby is going down.. Needs to find a bad guy.. someone that should give up her baby because she is this or that.. did this or that..
I was bad because I had sex out of wedlock.. now days its okay.. heck on Big Brother this season the couples are being forced to sleep with each other.. and on Survivor.. the promo says.. “They should get a hotel room.”

So the blame game has to change.. IMO..
Worse things have to be thought up.. no help.. just pointing fingers.. and judgment..

I hate it..

Jackie

[belleinblue1978]

How could I forget that lonni...did you know I never got banned? She left me in there I just never said anything mwahahahahaha. We just couldn't get their pain and suffering could we?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I've been really feeling this lately. I'm tired of being labeled. And mislabeled at that. Physically and achingly tired.

[sstuart]

I guess I wasn't the only one feeling this yesterday. I so just want people to see me for who I am, Not what they think I am.
I wasn't referring to any thread in particular yesterday, I was reading many, although some were more disturbing than others.
I have never really been any kind of an activist, but maybe I need to start changing perceptions--like someone else stated-- even if it is just one person at a time.

[julie23]

I guess I wasn't the only one feeling this yesterday. I so just want people to see me for who I am, Not what they think I am.
I wasn't referring to any thread in particular yesterday, I was reading many, although some were more disturbing than others.
I have never really been any kind of an activist, but maybe I need to start changing perceptions--like someone else stated-- even if it is just one person at a time.

someone once pointed out to me that we all know another person who was adopted.... we know adults who were adopted.... we know children who were adopted....

but somehow, nobody every knows a first mother....

the point is, we all probably know more than one first mother, we just don't "know" her... because she hasn't shared her story....

as a first mother myself, who nobody knows as a first mother, because i do not publicly share .... this is who I am... and this is how people see me...

i am your kids sunday school teacher....

i am your kindergarten Art in the School Volunteer...

I am your sons volunteer math tudor....

i am your friend...

i am your neighbor...

I sit next to you in church on sunday...

i go out to breakfast with you...

i am your daughters Girl Scout Leader...

I sit in my lawn chair next to yours and watch our children play soccer...

I am in the line behind you at Disneyland...

I am in the line behind you at Wal-Mart...

I am someone you know and love.... you just don't know I'm a first mother, too.... because I am NOT all the things you imagine a first mother to be....

julie

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Of course we are wonderful amazing people until they get the baby. Then for some reason we become the enemy. I just don't understand this.

I'm not asking for gratefulness but man maybe a little bit of remembrance that I sacrificed my heart and soul and because I did that some other woman got to be a mother and another man got to be a father.

This is one of the great mysteries that aggravates me to no end...in a kingdom far, far, away I used to walk on water...until I was banished forever from the kingdom!

Some days it just makes it worse that I'm not all alone, it such a shame there are anymore than one of us going through this


Julie23 - you are right, there is no winning lap for us...I think I always thought that meeting my daughter as an adult would bring things full circle...but it hasn't been that way. Despite a near perfect reunion I know that no matter how close we come over the years there will always be that separation but I still look forward to the day that we’ve spent more years together than apart...22 years from now – luckily I’m young enough that I might actually get to see it...that will be my winning lap!