[dvalentine]

Well, I spoke to my attorney yesterday regarding my concerns about the agency's rude comments about bmoms on their site, and ended up opening a whole new can of worms.... Here goes.

In short, he feels that my reaction towards the site was 'over-sensitive' and the most he recommends is writing them a letter. I then asked him what he thought about the PAP saying no to any contact other than one way e-mails/letters. He said he didn't think visits were a good idea, and that gifts were unimportant. I then e-mailed the PAP and asked them if they would like to get together for lunch/dinner so we could meet face to face before the baby's born (due march 28th). They said that they would 'love to, but here's the thing.' They're too busy, apparently. I'm considering the idea that these people, as nice as they are, are -not- the family for me. I've been speaking to them since october, and they've been buying baby stuff since november. I have no idea whatsoever as to how I should handle this... Anybody?

[bajj]

I think you need to go with your heart. Please remember you do not owe these people anything. It is ok to back out if that is what you need to do. Don't feel like you have to "settle" and please don't let the fact that they are nice make you feel obligated.

What does your gut tell you? That is what I think you need to listen to!

[ocracoke]

I will agree with Ani here. It is a big decision and you need to feel comfortable with it. If you are not then maybe your child isn't meant to be their child.

Samantha

[josh1788smom]

I agree. You do NOT owe them anything. Part of my son ending up where he did was because of the sense my parents and the adoptive parents tried to instill in me that I owed him to them. If your heart says RUN - then Run.

You'll find what you need!!! Best wishes!!

[lahdh4]

If you are not comfortable with them then I agree with the others. Move on. They are not the couple for you. You don not owe them a thing. It doesn't matter that they have been buying things since November.
good luck

[lovemy2boys]

My thing is that if they are "too busy" to meet you now before the baby is born, how is it going to be when they have a child and you're waiting for some pictures, an update, or possibly a visit?

I'd say go with your heart - this is a lifelong decision.

[alinev]

dvalentine, I am an amom and quite frankly horrified that any pap would not meet with you because "they are too busy". Meeting our son's first mom was, not just something "nice to do", for us it was a "had to do". How could we not do everything in our power to meet with the woman who has chosen us to raise her child? She needs to see our faces, assess who we really are, apart from the portfolio, letters and phone calls. I understand that for some pap's travel presents a financial hardship, but outside of that, what else are they doing that is more important?? There is no such thing as an inability to "make time" if something is really important enough

[Rondidondi]

I agree with the others...if it doesn't feel right anymore, RUN.
You owe them NOTHING! You didn't tell them to run out and buy things for a baby that is not theirs yet.
If they can't make time for you now, I only see that as a warning on how much time they will have for you once your baby is in their arms.
See the warning signs when they are given to you. Start searching out another family that would LOVE to meet you!
As far as your attorney feeling you are over sensitive-Obviously, he doesn't understand birth/first motherseither. HOW SAD!
Best wishes

[Oceans]

I agree, listen to your heart. If it says this isn't right, then my suggestion would be to run from all of them - the attorney, the family, this agency.

That said, I know it can be emotionally exhausting to start the process over, not to mention the stress of actually having to fire these folks. I am so sorry for that. You might want to Private Message (PM) Brenda Romanchik Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik for some direction on an ethical agency - and some less stressful ways to go about "firing" them.

Just know that whatever YOU want right now for you & your baby, is not only reasonable, it is your right and what you deserve. I don't care if you want expectant aparents with pink hair and live in a treehouse. If that's what you want, then settle for no less.

[keds]

Hi there, my 2 cents just from reading the lawyer's comments and the PAP comments - RUN as fast as you can. I have people in my life that, shall we say, use up a lot of my time and are 1-way relationships and yet I ALWAYS have time for them because it's important to them. Our relationship doesn't even come close to the type of relationship that you have with someone who is trusting you enough to place their child!

My mother went out and bought everything in preparation for me to bring my son home, even before I had made that decision. She tried to guilt me into not placing him for adoption because she had "everything". She made me take everything back. When I said that I wasn't sure she forced me to place him even though I was having second thoughts. In hindsight I feel it worked out for the best for him but you can't let the fact that they made purchases influence your decision. If it doesn't "feel" right, it isn't.

[happygmom]

I agree with Oceans that you need to get in touch with Adoption.com Forums - MyPage: bromanchik - today. She can direct to an ethical agency. The agency that you are working with gives me chills up and down my spine with some of the things that they are telling you. If they are questioning your requests now for openness, they are not going to support you if the couple cuts you off after you relinquish your child.

It is not right for me to second guess your opinion of the adoptive parents that you have selected - but I am going to do it anyway. If they do not have time for you now, I can guarantee that they will be too busy to send those pictures and emails once they are busy with your baby. Their refusal to meet you tells me that they have no idea what you are going through and that they don't want to be bothered with your agnst. I'm sorry, but they don't sound like very nice people to me. I apoligize. I know that sounds harsh, but I when went through my daughter's unplanned pregnancy I had to learn to be blunt. Am I forgiven?? Please?

Brenda will be able to get you in contact with an ethical organization. The family for you and your child is out there. There are wonderful adoptive families who make open adoption work. Don't rush into making a decision that you will regret forever. When my daughter was working with an agency, they pushed and pushed for an "early" match. The best decision that we made was to slow down and keep our options open. lovemy2boys hit the nail on the head - it is a lifelong decision.

I know that you are getting close to your due date and must be feeling VERY unsettled about this. But I really think that you need to walk away from this agency and the couple for the sake of you and your child. My Mom taught me that if it feels wrong in your "gut", it is wrong. Walk away. I never regret it when I follow that advice.

I wish I could give you a real hug! Here is a big cyber hug instead!

Happy G'Ma

[loveajax]

D, I agree with everything that has been said here....

Something sounds so strange to me, though. I cannot believe the PAPs would not want to meet you. I wonder if the agency has advised them against it because they think it would be "coercive" or something? In any event, you have every right to hammer out whatever open adoption arrangement you want and to meet face to face with PAPs....if these PAPs are not willing to do that, believe me, there are others who will.

I think your agency's "attitude" is disturbing. Mine never "confronted" openness at all and misled us into thinking DD's birth parents wanted a semi-open adoption. This is the kind of stuff that really "should" be addressed now. Also, I think the agency "matched" you waaaaaay too early. I personally think an agency should only "match" when a woman is in her final trimester. It's not "fair" either to you or to the PAPs (imo).

Also, I know you know this, but you have every right to re-think the whole adoption thing now and after the birth. Maybe your "problem" is not so much with the PAPs but with placing your child...that's your call, obviously.

Good luck to you!!!

[taramayrn]

RUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! Don't walk, run!!

[blessedbybug]

I also agree that this sounds like it isn't the right situation for you. Not the agency, who sounds so disrespectful. Not the lawyer, who sounds like he's working for the agency and the potential parents. And not the potential parents. If you want an open adoption, and they don't have time for you NOW, I can't imagine how it's gonna go after the adoption.

I'm so sorry this is happening, but I'm glad you are finding this out before anything else happens. That way, you can make the right decision for you and your child. THis is not about any of them and their feelings or anything. This is about you and your child and your choice (and yours alone) as your child's mother.

[fairydust159]

I just wanted to chime in and say I agree with everything that has been said so far. RUN away from these PAP's! I had a good relationship with the PAP's in my adoption and even WITH a good relationship before (they traveled across 3 states to meet me) things are harder after the adoption. Trust your feelings! My feelings were my best guide, so dont second guess them! Good luck, and keep us posted!