[keds]

OK, I am 2 years in and just realized that my son is in pullback. It's not that he doesn't "answer", eventually when I text, call or e-mail him, he does (perhaps he keeps me at arm's length for his benefit) but it is the fact it takes some time. I think I have moved from the "high emotion" of the initial reunion and sharing with family and now, although I am wanting more, I realize that, hey, if you just want a "hi, who are you, this is me, see you later" I will accept that. I'm not sharing this because I think my reunion is "over" but rather to say to others, you can and will get through this - no matter what your expectations are, and the response, positive or negative, the hurt eventually does dissipate and, it never goes away but it does get easier. take care and I am hopeful that this time won't be too long. But if it is, there isn't anything I can do about it! I have so much love to give, but if he doesn't want it, I will find some other way to share.

[RavenSong]

Kate, it does sound like your son is in "pullback". And, as you point out, it doesn't signify the end of your relationship. I think the pain of pullback is entirely surmountable, as long as we don't put unrealistic expectations on each other and try not to feel sorry for ourselves.

It's "disengagement" that's really devastating for me. Looking back over the past 18 years, I can see where DS went thru a number of pullbacks. I always dealt with them pretty well, and didn't feel much pain around them. I've just always really been aware of his need for space, and my own too. Most of my family members have always given each other a lot of space when needed, so it wasn't so hard on me to give DS his space.

The disengagement, though ~ wow... To be told never to contact him again, with no explanation given, no chance of redemption, no hope ~ that hurts, believe me! I guess he really means it though. My brother tried a last-ditch effort with DS a couple weeks ago. They used to have a close relationship until my brother divorced his wife. (The ex-wife has an extremely close relationship with DS.) Anyway, my brother emailed DS a couple weeks ago, keeping it light and friendly and not mentioning me at all. DS won't even extend him the courtesy of replying to the email. So I guess he's severed their relationship also.

I've given my own outlook and response to the disengagement a lot of thought in the past couple months. Although I won't shut DS out of my life if and when he ever decides to come back, our relationship will never be the same again. Any trust I had with him is gone, and I really doubt it'll ever return. I know this kid like the back of my hand, and I know that one day he'll come back, expecting things to be as they were before. But he's gone too far this time. During the past 18 years, there was always a sense of hope in our relationship, and I don't think I'll ever have that same sense of hope again. The emotional pain has been diminishing somewhat lately for me, but the sadness and disappointment are still very much with me.

Thanks for letting me vent....

[Rose Ekerholm]

Originally Posted by keds

OK, I am 2 years in and just realized that my son is in pullback. It's not that he doesn't "answer", eventually when I text, call or e-mail him, he does (perhaps he keeps me at arm's length for his benefit) but it is the fact it takes some time. I think I have moved from the "high emotion" of the initial reunion and sharing with family and now, although I am wanting more, I realize that, hey, if you just want a "hi, who are you, this is me, see you later" I will accept that. I'm not sharing this because I think my reunion is "over" but rather to say to others, you can and will get through this - no matter what your expectations are, and the response, positive or negative, the hurt eventually does dissipate and, it never goes away but it does get easier. take care and I am hopeful that this time won't be too long. But if it is, there isn't anything I can do about it! I have so much love to give, but if he doesn't want it, I will find some other way to share.

I'm a little over 2 years in, and I don't seem to be able to cope very well when my DD pulls back. I'm so afraid that it's always going to be the last time, and I'm going to lose her again.

I don't know how all you other mothers deal with this. I'm trying, but it's SO hard! I cry a lot...then I get mad...then I think that I'm going to pull back to let her know how it feels, then.....and on, and on, and on, I go...around with myself...torturing myself. She has emotional problems and anger issues, so her stability isn't something that I can trust.

Thank you for your time. I just felt a need to respond.

[RavenSong]

There is one thing that I have learned during these past 36 years since I signed those adoption papers and that is patience. I can outwait just about anyone; it's kind of weird actually. I think about all the years I didn't even know if DS was alive or dead, and how I had to keep on putting one foot ahead of the other. And then I think of the five years I had to play along with his aparents' games, just to get one more photo...just to be able to send him one more gift or letter...just to make sure we'd meet when he turned 18.

So in the early years of reunion during periods of pullback, I just waited...patiently. It's a kind of mindset, but I have trouble verbalizing it. When it comes to my son, I have learned to "let go and let God". In fact, I think I've let go of him so many times that it has really helped me better develop my relationship with God, if that makes any sense...

[Oceans]

There is one thing that I have learned during these past 36 years since I signed those adoption papers and that is patience. I can outwait just about anyone; it's kind of weird actually.

Raven: I soooo get this but never associated it with adoption, I just thought it was maturity Adoption makes total sense!! Twenty-six years ago I committed to an 18 year wait. After that, a day, a week, a year seems like peanuts…. Example: my long term BF is getting ready to be deployed for a year. I’m not worried about the wait (will miss him like crazy but it’s only a year). I think my lack of worry, worries him!!

I am not in a reunion with my son but have thought about it much over the past month.
My experience with reunion was finding out that my gma was not my biological gma at age 25. Several years later I found her (for genealogy purposes). I didn’t look at it as a reunion since I had never met her (pretty insensitive for a first mom).

Eventually, I pulled back but didn’t think of it as pullback. I was just trying to integrate her into my life – figure out where she fit because my life was moving forward... I just couldn’t go on having these emotional conversations every day or week. The problem was, when she tried to lighten up, I wasn’t interested (i.e. talking about what her friends did, what her other gdaughter said, etc.). Sadly, we never did find common ground.

This isn’t so much a comment about “pullback” as it is a question… We (as humans) have a tough time operating at extremes for long periods of times and tend to migrate back to our comfort zones…

Do you find that pullback is more “settling-in” to give our self (or others) a break? Two steps forward, one step back…

[RavenSong]

Oceans, one of the adoptees here on the forums thinks that "pullback" is really an "emotional review", and that is the term she prefers. I agree with her ~ I think it's a time to look at our relationships, where they've been, and where they're going.

As far as patience goes, yep, I really truly believe that my patience levels are the direct result of relinquishment. I know I wasn't a very patient person as a teenager, and most of my family members are not very patient people. I decided in 1979, when DS was 7 years old, that I would search for him and reunite if possible. So I knew that meant at least another 11 years of waiting, one day at a time. I just got really good at waiting....

[Found at last]

How many years have to pass before a pullback is consider a disengagement? I waited 25 years for my daughter to find me. I have waited 5 more years for her to respond to my many different attempts to recontact. She hasn't told me why she pulled back. She just did it. She hasn't told me that she doesn't want contact YET. Is she stringing me along or has she blown me off?

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Found at last

How many years have to pass before a pullback is consider a disengagement?

Have you actually reunited with your daughter yet, or is it still at the "contact" stage? Disengagement is the term used when an established relationship is totally severed by one of the parties involved in the reunion. It sounds like your daughter hasn't decided whether she wants to establish a relationship with you yet. Have you two met each other yet, or talked on the phone? If it helps any, I've read that a lot of adoptees don't feel ready to establish a relationship with their bmoms until their middle-30's or so. During their 20's, they often feel too conflicted about loyalty to their aparents. Give her some more time... As long as she hasn't come right out and said that she doesn't want any contact with you, there's always a chance she'll decide to reach out to you.

[keds]

dear found, I agree with Raven, unless she has said "NO" she may still be working out her feelings. I know 5 years is a heck of a long time but if you look at your life span well, not so much (at least for me anyway!). How old is she? School, marriage, kids may have an impact on her coping skills. I know if my bson had contacted me 5 years ago I would have tried very hard but my life at that time was in turmoil. For me, I don't get a response 75% of the time but I keep sending letters, cards, e-mails. Why? Simply because I feel better for doing so. Unless my bson says "NO" or "leave me a alone" I think it's worthwhile. If he doesn't have the time, or the voice/emotions, to respond at the moment, well, I have to give him time to "get" where I am - after all, I had a 27 year headstart! My advice, for what it's worth, as long as you want to reach out, do so, if she asks you stop, you have to respect her wishes.

Stick with it, for me, I'd rather know that I did everything I could to make a relationship work than hold back and regret it the rest of my life. Ciao.

[rainmon]

yes it seems when the urgency of the reunion, or "honeymoon stage" sometimes stops way too abruptly instead of tapering off or slowing down gradually....
it really catches some of us off gaurd....
it's dealing with "rejection" really....and I'm wondering if this is what this "really" is all about....
so I'm now too learning the art of patience with all this.
I'm also learning to just accept the things I cannot change...live & let live...let it go... and just, let it be.

it sure helps to read these posts though and see how others cope with similar feelings & situations, I'm so glad you all are there.

[Found at last]

My daughter will be 30 next month. She found me in 2003. We met face to face twice. After two months of reunion, she pulled back without any explanation. I keep waiting for her to contact me again.